6 ms·

Tinder drove me to freeze my eggs

32 points by NalNezumi 5y ago

NalNezumi 5y ago
https://archive.is/jGJoy https://archive.is/jGJoy
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
PretzelPirate 5y ago
The real details are about half way down: > Put simply, there aren’t enough highly educated men to go around. The author suggests that it’s best to have children with a college-educated man because they’ll earn more. This suggests that this isn’t a Tinder problem, but a problem of dating the wrong people and maybe thinking a bit too hard about what box a potential partner should fit into.
- captainredbeard 5y ago
  Sexual dimorphism at work
- maximus-decimus 5y ago
  It reminds me of those stats published from okcupid saying women found 80% of men to be below average.
  - chii 5y ago
    it's certainly possible for 80% of a cohort to be below average, if there's a huge skew in the metric such that it's no longer a normal distribution. The outliers can (the high achievers) pull the average way up. And as women tend to want to date "up", and they intuitively perceive that most of the men they meet are of average or below average, because they know of the existence of the outliers.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
janandonly 5y ago
I find the conclusion weird. My youth was quit a mess which made me unable to even get a bachelor degree. Then I found work and happiness in life and I realised I didn’t need the degrees to get decent work and decent pay. My girlfriend however, has a bachelor, master, and PhD. I don’t think she feels she dates “below” some paper/phony standard society made up … If anything, she feels she could have just gotten a nice job right after her bachelor or master’s degree.
rdtwo 5y ago
Women are all on the East coast men on the west. But really if you haven’t found love by your mid to late 30s you should probably evaluate life priorities. All my friends that are still single at This age are most single by choice or through failure to prioritize dating. A few are serial daters that just make terrible partners
blippage 5y ago
As a fairly blackpilled guy who isn't a feminist, I'll try to avoid being too controversial. "But I wonder if the dating apps, with their illusion of endless possibility, subtly encourage us to keep shooting for the best of all worlds" Ah yes: the paradox of choice. By having many more, and better, things to choose from you end up less satisfied than if you had fewer choices. "Today there are three men for every four women with degrees. Put simply, there aren’t enough highly educated men to go around." I'd argue that it's only a problem if you make it a problem, though. When the positions were reversed, men never argued that there were too few highly-educated women. Women want to date up. Now that they are achieving greater parity with men, men are seen as less attractive. I believe it was Germaine Greer who said this, which hits the nail on the head: If it wasn't for their looks, 90% of women would be of no interest to men. If it wasn't for their money, 90% of men would be of no interest to women. I'll leave things there for now.
- toomuchtodo 5y ago
  I don’t think you’ve said anything terribly controversial. Men weren’t picky (they date down, because they value other factors besides education and ambition), women are picky, and there just aren’t enough men they desire to go around. Expectations minus reality equals happiness. Adjust your expectations if that’s required to meet your happiness objectives, otherwise be comfortable being single.
- kar5pt 5y ago
  I never understood the hang-up around women with degrees not wanting to date men without degrees. I've met plenty of people with Psychology/Biology degrees who wait tables and I've met plenty of people with advanced degrees who were complete morons. I don't think the binary data point of degree/no degree is the best signal for intelligence or earning potential.
  - ravenstine 5y ago
    When evaluating popular media and especially that which is popular with women, it's not too surprising. How are "uneducated" men portrayed in the media? They're clumsy stupid goofballs. Even the fictional men with degrees are often portrayed as aloof and not knowing what a woman wants. Entertainment aside, growing up I was told that a college degree is the only way to make any real money, and I know for a fact that young people are still taught this. If her parents insist she go to university, why would she come home with some trade school bum when she believes her parents think she's better than that?
tuatoru 5y ago
The incentives of dating app companies are to keep you using the app. Actually matching people harms that.
kar5pt 5y ago
This is obviously anecdotal, but I have a college degree and I certainly don't feel "in demand" on dating apps. I'm sure I'm not alone in that on a tech-focused site. I think the mismatch in college education is just a small part of a much more complex phenomena.
- InvaderFizz 5y ago
  As a male on a dating app, you are a small fish in a big pond. Men typically outnumber women at least 2:1, often 10:1. For the average, not significantly overweight and unattractive woman, these sites are an endless queue of interested men. As a man, you have to stand out, significantly. If you want a chance at all, you need to be 6'0" at a minimum, be trim and fit, and generally be considered the top 20% of men by looks. Everything else comes after that, including your degree. That is life in the American dating markets. That is why a decade ago I decided to make myself a big fish in a small pond. I flipped the script by dating outside my country and culture. Instead of me being a commodity, when I go to places such as Colombia, Mexico, or Costa Rica, I then become the exotic and desirable luxury good. Now I'm married to a Mexican woman and live full time in Mexico, still working for US companies. COVID has kind of wrecked this advice, although it looks like that might be no longer a big issue in 2023.
  - cko 5y ago
    You gotta go where the people are. I grew up in a suburb of New Jersey. Aging population, gotta drive half an hour to just meet someone for a date. I happen to be slim and 6'3" and I'm sure 5% of the female population would find me decent looking, but it was far from a cakewalk. I moved a densely populated city in Europe. A student city with lots of grad students. Many of those students are female. Parks and coffee shops all in walking distance. Moved in with my second match on Tinder within two months of meeting. Now we are married. Sometimes it's just logistics.
    - kar5pt 5y ago
      This is interesting because I had the opposite experience. Moved from suburban New Jersey to a big city and my matches got worse, not better. But my city was an American one. Maybe this is a Europe vs America thing?
ivraatiems 5y ago
Here's my observation of online dating, from mine and many of my friends' experience, men and women both: It's just the law of large numbers. No given "match" is likely to work out. But if you give it enough time, _some_ match _will_ work out. Thus, the process sucks, but it tends to resolve somewhat favorably for most people. After three years of fairly continuous online dating on every platform that'd have me, dozens of dates, and probably four or five "seriously dating" episodes lasting a couple of months, I met my now-fiancé on Bumble. She was my first and only successful date from that app. I was days away from deleting it. I don't know why I didn't stop sooner. It was an awful, demoralizing, sometimes dehumanizing process. But I'm glad I didn't. Survivor's bias, I guess.

32 points by NalNezumi 5y ago

NalNezumi 5y ago

https://archive.is/jGJoy https://archive.is/jGJoy

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

PretzelPirate 5y ago

The real details are about half way down: > Put simply, there aren’t enough highly educated men to go around. The author suggests that it’s best to have children with a college-educated man because they’ll earn more. This suggests that this isn’t a Tinder problem, but a problem of dating the wrong people and maybe thinking a bit too hard about what box a potential partner should fit into.

captainredbeard 5y ago
Sexual dimorphism at work
maximus-decimus 5y ago
It reminds me of those stats published from okcupid saying women found 80% of men to be below average.
- chii 5y ago
  it's certainly possible for 80% of a cohort to be below average, if there's a huge skew in the metric such that it's no longer a normal distribution. The outliers can (the high achievers) pull the average way up. And as women tend to want to date "up", and they intuitively perceive that most of the men they meet are of average or below average, because they know of the existence of the outliers.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

janandonly 5y ago

I find the conclusion weird. My youth was quit a mess which made me unable to even get a bachelor degree. Then I found work and happiness in life and I realised I didn’t need the degrees to get decent work and decent pay. My girlfriend however, has a bachelor, master, and PhD. I don’t think she feels she dates “below” some paper/phony standard society made up … If anything, she feels she could have just gotten a nice job right after her bachelor or master’s degree.

rdtwo 5y ago

Women are all on the East coast men on the west. But really if you haven’t found love by your mid to late 30s you should probably evaluate life priorities. All my friends that are still single at This age are most single by choice or through failure to prioritize dating. A few are serial daters that just make terrible partners

blippage 5y ago

As a fairly blackpilled guy who isn't a feminist, I'll try to avoid being too controversial. "But I wonder if the dating apps, with their illusion of endless possibility, subtly encourage us to keep shooting for the best of all worlds" Ah yes: the paradox of choice. By having many more, and better, things to choose from you end up less satisfied than if you had fewer choices. "Today there are three men for every four women with degrees. Put simply, there aren’t enough highly educated men to go around." I'd argue that it's only a problem if you make it a problem, though. When the positions were reversed, men never argued that there were too few highly-educated women. Women want to date up. Now that they are achieving greater parity with men, men are seen as less attractive. I believe it was Germaine Greer who said this, which hits the nail on the head: If it wasn't for their looks, 90% of women would be of no interest to men. If it wasn't for their money, 90% of men would be of no interest to women. I'll leave things there for now.

toomuchtodo 5y ago
I don’t think you’ve said anything terribly controversial. Men weren’t picky (they date down, because they value other factors besides education and ambition), women are picky, and there just aren’t enough men they desire to go around. Expectations minus reality equals happiness. Adjust your expectations if that’s required to meet your happiness objectives, otherwise be comfortable being single.
kar5pt 5y ago
I never understood the hang-up around women with degrees not wanting to date men without degrees. I've met plenty of people with Psychology/Biology degrees who wait tables and I've met plenty of people with advanced degrees who were complete morons. I don't think the binary data point of degree/no degree is the best signal for intelligence or earning potential.
- ravenstine 5y ago
  When evaluating popular media and especially that which is popular with women, it's not too surprising. How are "uneducated" men portrayed in the media? They're clumsy stupid goofballs. Even the fictional men with degrees are often portrayed as aloof and not knowing what a woman wants. Entertainment aside, growing up I was told that a college degree is the only way to make any real money, and I know for a fact that young people are still taught this. If her parents insist she go to university, why would she come home with some trade school bum when she believes her parents think she's better than that?

tuatoru 5y ago

The incentives of dating app companies are to keep you using the app. Actually matching people harms that.

kar5pt 5y ago

This is obviously anecdotal, but I have a college degree and I certainly don't feel "in demand" on dating apps. I'm sure I'm not alone in that on a tech-focused site. I think the mismatch in college education is just a small part of a much more complex phenomena.

InvaderFizz 5y ago
As a male on a dating app, you are a small fish in a big pond. Men typically outnumber women at least 2:1, often 10:1. For the average, not significantly overweight and unattractive woman, these sites are an endless queue of interested men. As a man, you have to stand out, significantly. If you want a chance at all, you need to be 6'0" at a minimum, be trim and fit, and generally be considered the top 20% of men by looks. Everything else comes after that, including your degree. That is life in the American dating markets. That is why a decade ago I decided to make myself a big fish in a small pond. I flipped the script by dating outside my country and culture. Instead of me being a commodity, when I go to places such as Colombia, Mexico, or Costa Rica, I then become the exotic and desirable luxury good. Now I'm married to a Mexican woman and live full time in Mexico, still working for US companies. COVID has kind of wrecked this advice, although it looks like that might be no longer a big issue in 2023.
- cko 5y ago
  You gotta go where the people are. I grew up in a suburb of New Jersey. Aging population, gotta drive half an hour to just meet someone for a date. I happen to be slim and 6'3" and I'm sure 5% of the female population would find me decent looking, but it was far from a cakewalk. I moved a densely populated city in Europe. A student city with lots of grad students. Many of those students are female. Parks and coffee shops all in walking distance. Moved in with my second match on Tinder within two months of meeting. Now we are married. Sometimes it's just logistics.
  - kar5pt 5y ago
    This is interesting because I had the opposite experience. Moved from suburban New Jersey to a big city and my matches got worse, not better. But my city was an American one. Maybe this is a Europe vs America thing?

ivraatiems 5y ago

Here's my observation of online dating, from mine and many of my friends' experience, men and women both: It's just the law of large numbers. No given "match" is likely to work out. But if you give it enough time, _some_ match _will_ work out. Thus, the process sucks, but it tends to resolve somewhat favorably for most people. After three years of fairly continuous online dating on every platform that'd have me, dozens of dates, and probably four or five "seriously dating" episodes lasting a couple of months, I met my now-fiancé on Bumble. She was my first and only successful date from that app. I was days away from deleting it. I don't know why I didn't stop sooner. It was an awful, demoralizing, sometimes dehumanizing process. But I'm glad I didn't. Survivor's bias, I guess.