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> It's wrong in a way that is stable as well, and that is why it takes effort to fight: people easily get anxious about rejection, and they easily get it in the

> It's wrong in a way that is stable as well, and that is why it takes effort to fight: people easily get anxious about rejection, and they easily get it in their heads that the other person doesn't want to hear from them. Anything from "we had a bad interaction" to "they didn't reply last time" seems to be an excuse to cut contact. I get that can happen with some relationships. But with all of them? I think that even accounting for some relationships where contact is one-sided, maintaining the "last contact" column is going to be a real hassle, and I find it weird it's not even mentioned. > Kinda like TCP, you can have an open connection even though nothing is sent over it. I honestly don't think so. A consistent lack of response usually indicates the other person doesn't care. > I have a number of friends who are super warm and chummy when I'm near them, but they never take it upon themselves to initiate anything. And I do think that the best thing to do in that case is to tell them that they should make an effort to initiate contact. I don't need them to be on a schedule, but I'd like to think that my friends won't forget about me completely if I stop contacting them. Again, I get that some relationships can be one-sided. But not all. That's why I find it weird that the system doesn't really plan for that.

lordnacho 5y ago
> maintaining the "last contact" column is going to be a real hassle, and I find it weird it's not even mentioned. This is one thing I thought about doing, but it seems like there's a lot of APIs that are now closed. But also, relationships are not like a tennis match, it's ok to write twice. > I honestly don't think so. A consistent lack of response usually indicates the other person doesn't care. I send out a load of mails over New Year's almost each year, and each year someone writes in April or July saying "OMG I forgot to write back" and then picks up the thread. There's no reason the people who never write back have decided not to, except in very obvious circumstances of relationship breakdown. > I'd like to think that my friends won't forget about me completely if I stop contacting them They won't forget you but they also won't contact you. A lot of people just feel weird about it. Mostly I guess I'm default-positive. Very few people have ever let it be known, directly or indirectly, not to write to them anymore.
- mettamage 5y ago
  > They won't forget you but they also won't contact you. A lot of people just feel weird about it. Or lazy, or forgetful, or they never thought this was a "thing" (basically 0 initiative). All three apply to me, and I need to change it. IMO, the system outlined by the author seems worth trying (or any other systems that I'm picking up in the comments).
- gjulianm 5y ago
  > This is one thing I thought about doing, but it seems like there's a lot of APIs that are now closed. But also, relationships are not like a tennis match, it's ok to write twice. I know, but if the tool stops being synced with reality, it loses value and in the end you can end up ignoring it because it's not up to date and then because it's not up to date it has even less value. > I send out a load of mails over New Year's almost each year, and each year someone writes in April or July saying "OMG I forgot to write back" and then picks up the thread. There's no reason the people who never write back have decided not to, except in very obvious circumstances of relationship breakdown. But that's not a consistent lack of response, it's just someone missing one interaction. I imagine that if you write someone on new years and they never answer, at some point you stop sending them messages, right? > They won't forget you but they also won't contact you. A lot of people just feel weird about it. I do not agree, people might get used to the other person contacting and not think about sending a message, but I don't think feeling weird is common. Of course this is personal experience, so I can't know the universal experience.

lordnacho 5y ago

> maintaining the "last contact" column is going to be a real hassle, and I find it weird it's not even mentioned. This is one thing I thought about doing, but it seems like there's a lot of APIs that are now closed. But also, relationships are not like a tennis match, it's ok to write twice. > I honestly don't think so. A consistent lack of response usually indicates the other person doesn't care. I send out a load of mails over New Year's almost each year, and each year someone writes in April or July saying "OMG I forgot to write back" and then picks up the thread. There's no reason the people who never write back have decided not to, except in very obvious circumstances of relationship breakdown. > I'd like to think that my friends won't forget about me completely if I stop contacting them They won't forget you but they also won't contact you. A lot of people just feel weird about it. Mostly I guess I'm default-positive. Very few people have ever let it be known, directly or indirectly, not to write to them anymore.

mettamage 5y ago
> They won't forget you but they also won't contact you. A lot of people just feel weird about it. Or lazy, or forgetful, or they never thought this was a "thing" (basically 0 initiative). All three apply to me, and I need to change it. IMO, the system outlined by the author seems worth trying (or any other systems that I'm picking up in the comments).
gjulianm 5y ago
> This is one thing I thought about doing, but it seems like there's a lot of APIs that are now closed. But also, relationships are not like a tennis match, it's ok to write twice. I know, but if the tool stops being synced with reality, it loses value and in the end you can end up ignoring it because it's not up to date and then because it's not up to date it has even less value. > I send out a load of mails over New Year's almost each year, and each year someone writes in April or July saying "OMG I forgot to write back" and then picks up the thread. There's no reason the people who never write back have decided not to, except in very obvious circumstances of relationship breakdown. But that's not a consistent lack of response, it's just someone missing one interaction. I imagine that if you write someone on new years and they never answer, at some point you stop sending them messages, right? > They won't forget you but they also won't contact you. A lot of people just feel weird about it. I do not agree, people might get used to the other person contacting and not think about sending a message, but I don't think feeling weird is common. Of course this is personal experience, so I can't know the universal experience.