7 ms·

I'm 33, Ive got a fairly high IQ, make $340k in a STEM field and enough to retire tomorrow, I'm not unattractive, and put a huge amount of effort over many year

• pinot 5y ago
  If you're so smart to observe what the problem your facing is, and have the money to retire tomorrow and be a yoga teacher and find a partner, go do it?
  • xvector 5y ago
    Changing yourself so fundamentally to find a woman is the dumbest thing.
• adriand 5y ago
  > tell Women painfully stupid stuff they want to hear If you are looking for a reason for your travails, here it is. If you started out with this level of contempt, it’s no wonder you’ve been unsuccessful. If you became embittered due to your challenges, then I’m sorry. That is a hard path. But if you want it to change, I think you have some work to do. And I wish you luck with it.
  • antisthenes 5y ago
    The typical women are wonderful counterargument. Dime a dozen in threads like these. I suggest you take your own advice and work on your issues that make you respond in a knee-jerk manner, blaming them like that, instead of assuming that OP may be correct in their assessment about the dating scene.
    • PuppyTailWags 5y ago
    • deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
  • deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
  • yes_really 5y ago
    His full sentence was: > tell Women painfully stupid stuff they want to hear about their quantum vibrations matching and other new age nonsense. Do you think "quantum vibrations matching" and "other new age nonsense" are not painfully stupid? Or do you just want to attack the parent comment?
    • krageon 5y ago
      The core conceit of their post is that women want to hear stupid things, and won't partner with them because they will not say them. This is essentially a misogynistic point of view and there is nothing wrong with pointing that out. Refocusing the argument on some peripheral part of what was said is not useful, because it doesn't address the core issue.
      • xvector 5y ago
        It absolutely is not misogynistic to point out that many women love to hear that sort of stuff, it's simple fact. And no high-earning, rational male in a STEM career would ever want to be with a partner that values that sort of conversation.
  • bongoman37 5y ago
• mistrial9 5y ago
  screen time directly subtracts from useful relationship forming, for partners IMHO .. your profile implies massive screen time now
• LouisSayers 5y ago
  If online dating isn't working for you but bars did, then why not head back to the bars? (You can always drink soda water) I know it sounds a bit stupidly obvious, but do the stuff that works!
  • nicbou 5y ago
    Do bars really work? I keep seeing this advice, but I never see it happening when I'm in bars. People usually show up and leave as a group, especially now with social distancing measures.
    • dagw 5y ago
      Do bars really work? Depends on the bar. Certainly when I was young there where certain bars that where known as places you go to be social and meet girls and certain bars that where known as places where you sat and drank with your mates and got left alone. By selecting which bar you went to you could greatly influence how your evening went.
    • krageon 5y ago
      If you are attractive bars will work. Perhaps if you are attractive but not photogenic, bars will work but online dating will not :)
• mapcars 5y ago
  Please don't put yoga and crystals into the same category. While what most people in the west are doing has little to do with the actual thing it's still probably the most important discovery made by humanity.
  • slater 5y ago
    i'll grant you yoga, but crystals are nonsense
    • deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
• jiux 5y ago
  Have you tried fishing a different pond?
• mrjangles 5y ago
  >huge amount of effort over many years into online dating My god I hope you aren't talking about tinder are you? You are totally clueless about women and dating if that is what you are talking about. Go out to bars, talk to people, do activities and meet lots of people. stop doing 'online' dating (of any kind) Seriously, myself and everyone I know found that upon reaching 33 the interest from women in their 20s sky rockets. You are definitely doing something wrong, not society.
  • symlinkk 5y ago
    The majority of couples meet on Tinder these days. Your advice is outdated
    • foogazi 5y ago
      Source ?
      • lucaspm98 5y ago
        https://news.stanford.edu/2019/08/21/online-dating-popular-way-u-s-couples-meet/ https://news.stanford.edu/2019/08/21/online-dating-popular-w... 39% in 2017. I'd be very curious to know the numbers over the past two years as in 2017 bars/restaurants were at 27%, school/college at 9%, and work at 11%.
        • foogazi 5y ago
          Thanks - and that 39% only includes heterosexual couples
    • deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
    • mrjangles 5y ago
      17% of people under 30 have been in a committed relationship with someone they met online, ever (gets lower with age too) https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/02/06/the-virtues-and-downsides-of-online-dating/ https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/02/06/the-virtues-... of those with a partner, 21% said they met them online (gets lower with age too) https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-half-of-u-s-adults-say-dating-has-gotten-harder-for-most-people-in-the-last-10-years/ https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/nearly-... And note that this says "online dating" not specifically tinder. Statistics show that 80% of women sleep with 20% of men on Tinder. Tinder is a place women go when they are interested in having sex with men based on nothing other than their looks. That is fine, if you are in the top 20%, if you aren't, it is a real fools errand.
• BLKNSLVR 5y ago
  > tell Women painfully stupid stuff they want to hear about their quantum vibrations matching and other new age nonsense. These sound like the kind of partners you're trying to avoid anyway. Although I may be projecting. Also, are you wanting an easy time dating, or are you wanting a long-term relationship with kids on the horizon? They're two wildly different desires.
• 11101010001100 5y ago
  You are, to a very high probability, less interesting than you think you are. Same applies to everyone else.
• grvdrm 5y ago
  Something cliche but perhaps relevant: Is it instead that some of these folks who have an "easy" time actually don't care that much about the process? Not ignorance, but not spending much time over-analyzing everything. Instead, they're out and they're drawing people to them because they're not thinking about having a good time, but just doing it? It really is that simple in some ways. Focus on enjoying yourself throughout your day to day and especially in social situations and perhaps someone will find their way to you instead. PS: those crystal sellers don't sound to me (generalizing) like good long-term matches for most people. So, stop comparing yourself to them.
  • nicbou 5y ago
    I don't know if that approach works better in terms of numbers, but it's a lot better for your own happiness.
    • grvdrm 5y ago
      Indeed, and that's an underlying point here - the numbers shouldn't be the goal.
• 01100011 5y ago
  > anyone I'm interested in that is interested in me. Perhaps this is your problem? I've seen this with folks at work. They're middle aged, successful, extremely bright and they want to find a mate. The problems as I see it: 1. They insist on living in "Man Jose" aka SiValley. There is a serious lack of demographic diversity here. 2. They want to find a bright, attractive woman with an amazing career, 10/10 body who is wowed by their lack of life balance, an obsession with career and status, and lack of fun/joy in their lives. If these guys would live practically anywhere but the valley and accept that, even though they make a lot of money and are great at their tech jobs, they are just average in terms of what a woman looks for in a mate, well, they might get somewhere. Lonely nerds: you've got to accept that in all likelihood your mate will disappoint you in some way and vice-versa. Don't just marry the first girl you find, but consider lowering your standards to match with reality. > I had plenty of attractive sexual partners. This sentence is a serious red flag. If you think your ability to bang hot women who hang out in bars bears any relation to your fitness as a mate then you need to check your beliefs about what women want in a relationship. I'd like to hope this is just an insensitive way of you telling us that you're not a hideous monster and hopefully that's all it is. If not, I don't know, maybe stop trying to date, take a break from the tech world, and just work on your social skills for a while. > tell Women painfully stupid stuff they want to hear Jesus... so many red flags. Really man, you have a condescending attitude towards women and you wonder why you can't find a mate?
  • syndacks 5y ago
    …but he makes $340k
    • xvector 5y ago
      Fairly average for mid-30s male in Man Jose
• rdtwo 5y ago
  You want a 1% female? I mean you sound like you are only 1% on income alone so that’s probably not enough. You probably have also gotten quite difficult at your age. At some point people get old and really set in their ways and are hard to merge into a marriage unit
• twayt 5y ago
  As a mid-20s male I can completely relate. Have spent way too much time trying to optimize the amount of matches I can get on these apps. You might feel like your achievements and positive qualities are not being valued by women and you've worked so hard to improve yourself for nothing. Trust me, this is not true. There are other factors at play that make online dating unreasonably unfair for you. 1. If you are in the Bay Area, you are at a distinct disadvantage. The male-female-ratio, homogeneity of interests and credentials make stand out far less than you would in the general population. It is also natural for women to form negative stereotypes about men in tech if they've been on bad dates. There's no way to tell that you won't be the same from your profile. I've experienced this first-hand where every woman I managed to go on a date with responded positively and complained to me that the guys they meet are immature, entitled or lack social skills. 2. If you are not white and live in the USA, your odds are slimmer even among your racial group. There are studies to confirm this and you can compare yourself to your peers. 3. Physical attributes like height, fitness and facial attractiveness matter but to a way lesser extent than people think. I've been skinny as a rail and ripped with a substantial amount of muscle and the number of matches were still about the same and women I met in person didn't seem to care either way though I would rate myself as considerably closer to the generally accepted male standards of attractiveness when jacked. 4. By far the quickest hack to get more matches on dating apps is to improve your pictures. Bite the bullet and do it, the bar is pitifully low. 5. No matter how many matches you get, the vast majority of them will act the same way. They'll not respond, stand you up and ghost. Most people are incapable of dealing with the pressures of interacting with other and will choose to do what's easiest for them instead of what's right. However, the more matches you get, the less you'll care about this. 6. Your point about appealing to the lowest common denominator sounds attractive when you feel like you have no prospects but you'll realize it is a sheer waste of time once you learn to value yourself appropriately and stop degrading yourself because of the feedback you're getting from the apps. This is difficult to do unless you really deeply understand the dynamics of these apps so the typical suggestion is to get off them and just date in person. 7. You were pretty much sold a lie growing up that everyone is entitled to love and the average guy will have an easy time finding a partner. When you understand the evolutionary pressures placed on women to select the best partner and today's world where women feel like there are many more high value men due to social media, it is easy to understand why they find it repulsive to settle for someone who's average. Most women grow out of this kind of thinking and seek real connection at some point though. TLDR; You're probably undervaluing yourself but its not really your fault. Move out of the Bay Area. Get better pictures for your dating apps. Don't expect to have an easy time dating if there is nothing extraordinarily exceptional about you.
• Dracophoenix 5y ago
  >When I was younger and I wanted to go to bars and get drunk and be an idiot I had plenty of attractive sexual partners. What changed for you?
• flippinburgers 5y ago
  The obvious problem is: what are you "interested in" when it comes to women? The way you are killing it in your career, I suspect that your female companionship objectives are a tad bit too demanding. At the least, you should try to find a women you can trust and enjoy in small moments of life. Start there.
• istorical 5y ago
  If you have 340k and have put huge efforts into online dating and failed, it would be trivial economically for you to hire a professional photographer to get you a better dating profile (most people have shit photos, and you likely do too), it would be trivial to book some sessions with a dating coach (mainstream, not red pill style / PUA stuff) to give you feedback on your profile or real world interactions. You could also afford a personal stylist to do a wardrobe revamp. Put those monetary resources your brain has afforded you to work. If you were able to get laid at bars in the past, you are good looking enough. Your profile is just likely bad / has poor photos. And I know that sucks but its the real world.