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Most of the divorced parents around me in Australia do this week on week off thing with the kids which actually seems quite glorious. As a separated parent you

Most of the divorced parents around me in Australia do this week on week off thing with the kids which actually seems quite glorious. As a separated parent you get focussed time with the kids and in the off week you get a good bunch of me/adult time. Looking in it seems a great setup for mature ex’s.

ashtonkem 5y ago
I highly recommend this book called "if you're in my office it's too late" by a divorce attorney. One of the things he recommends is parenting a bit like you're separated, trading off long stretches of time looking after the kid just like a divorced couple might do, but without the separate houses and finances.
javajosh 5y ago
This sounds wonderful. But one argument used against 50/50 and in favor of asymmetric time is "kids need continuity". This inevitably favors the mother. "60/40" means the father gets every other weekend and one night a week. Numerically this works out to 80/20 and even young children are quite aware of who their real parent is. It is horrible but it is also SOP for most jurisdictions in the US, and I am not being hyperbolic when I say it's a real, first-world humanitarian crisis. Children do not fair well without fathers, and yet our system degrades the very notion of fatherhood every chance it gets. Furthermore, the bad actors that populate family courts - judges, lawyers, police, therapists, mediators, visitation center workers - they all know the score and as a father you are truly a second-class citizen. You see the children at the whim of your wife, and literally no-one gives a single shit. Why the system is not 50/50 is beyond me, because the argument for continuity is absolutely ridiculous on its face. The real reason it continues is that in family court mothers have far more rights than fathers. Full stop. It's sexist, it's harmful to the children, and yes, I'll even say it's harmful for the father (although you're not supposed to say that, and if you do the system assumes you're lying to be manipulative). This 60/40 aka 80/20 situation is the good outcome for most fathers. It really only gets worse from there. If you give the judge attitude, they will have no problem putting you on supervised visitation indefinitely.
- coredog64 5y ago
  50/50 usually means no child support, if you’re looking for reasons why it’s uncommon.
  - boppo1 5y ago
    Do you mean the mothers fight for more custody so they can nab an income?
    - Talanes 5y ago
      Or they don't trust the father to put in his fair share of doctor's visits, buying clothes, etc. The upside of paying child support is that the other party is assumedly taking point on all of those expenses.
  - Muromec 5y ago
    In the Netherlands you can still pay child support with 50/50 if there is difference in income, just less of it.
- jimbob45 5y ago
  My buddy used to do 80/20 but on alternating months. So he’s go to his dad’s on weekends on one month and then the next month he’d do weeks at his dad’s. Worked reasonably well IMHO. Guess I should ask him how he felt.
- kodah 5y ago
  > This 60/40 aka 80/20 situation is the good outcome for most fathers. It really only gets worse from there. If you give the judge attitude, they will have no problem putting you on supervised visitation indefinitely. This is incredibly sad. Edit: I was curious and I shouldn't have been: https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/research/dads-custody-time-2018.php https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/research/dads-custody-...
  - actually_a_dog 5y ago
minitoar 5y ago
Speaking as a child that grew up moving back and forth between two households at my parent’s convenience: it really sucks.
- danielheath 5y ago
  Given the parents are separated, how could that be made to suck less? Are there particular ages where it's especially disruptive (eg teen years where being physically distant from friends houses is more of a problem)?
  - astura 5y ago
    It's incredibly expensive but it's possible to have three homes and have the parents move around. Each parent gets their own home that they live in during their non-custodial time, and they move into the third home during their custodial time.
- jquery 5y ago
  Nothing about divorce is pleasant, per se. There's only bad and worse.
dexwiz 5y ago
My younger siblings had this and I had it for one summer before I left home. It really sucked. Maybe it would be better if the parent and living conditions were equal, but that was not the case. So one week you have a nice bed and your own room in a house you know, and the next you are in a bed with bad sheets, in a shared room with siblings in a house you hate. Friends have a whole summer together, but you are only around every other week. You have to readjust to a new routine every other week. One parent made significantly more than the other so one week would be middle class and the next week would be poor. I guess that is better than always, but it was really jarring.
rufus_foreman 5y ago
I grew up with divorced parents, my mom was married for the third time by the time I was 10. It wasn't glorious. It was the furthest thing from glorious. They're all dead now and I'm old and I'm still pissed off about it. If you can't commit to bringing up a kid together then don't have a kid. I am so pissed off even writing this, I've just got to say it, fuck parents like you.
- throwaway675309 5y ago
  I understand where you're coming from, but the alternative to getting a divorce might be even worse, two adults constantly abusing each other within the household and the child in close proximity to it with no escape. We don't really know the situation and everyone's is different.
- DoreenMichele 5y ago
  Glorious perhaps for the parents. Reading some of the comments here, I'm reminded of a story I read about several couples renting a summer house, sending all the kids from all the families there for the summer and the parents taking turns spending their vacation there to supervise. Some outsider was like "Oh, God, spending my two weeks of vacation tending to so many children sounds like a nightmare." And then someone pointed out that for the parents, the vacation was the other six weeks or whatever getting to live like a childless couple. (Please don't aim your anger at me. I'm on your side here.)
  - ido 5y ago
    I guess it depends on the age of the children, but beyond a certain age wouldn't it be fun to spend a few weeks with a bunch of other kids in a summer home?
    - DoreenMichele 5y ago
      The kids apparently had a blast. I don't recall the age ranges. I think the only criticism was along the lines of "Well, that's great for the kids. But the poor parents! What in earth were they thinking?!" not realizing that the parents got a different kind of break in addition to doing something wonderful for the children who all got to spend like eight whole weeks at a lake house instead of just two and got to do it with lots of built-in friends to play with, rather than being lonely on an adult vacation away from their friends.
djrobstep 5y ago
Glorious for self-absorbed narcissistic parents, if they're wealthy enough for the divorce not to be ruinous. Not so glorious for kids who are constantly having to pack their bags and move between houses, never able to feel at home.
- scotty79 5y ago
  You could have kids stuff in both homes so they don't have to pack anything.
  - meepmorp 5y ago
    That's not really how kids stuff works, especially with school in the mix.
boppo1 5y ago
And your kids are more likely to grow up to have successful acting careers!
paxys 5y ago
Sounds terrible for the kids
scotty79 5y ago
I wonder if some married parents operate like that. Where they time share childcare. One spends a week in family home while the other lives some distance apart in a studio and they swap after a week. This way children get stable home while parents get rest and adult space for themselves and have a chance of missing their kids.
dpcan 5y ago
That’s what I do with my ex but I can’t escape the hurt, depression, and uncertainty during the weeks when they are with my ex. I think most parents fully expect to be parents 100% of the time once they have kids. I don’t want, don’t need, don’t enjoy the “me/adult” time at all. I just want to make dinner for my kids, help with homework, watch a show together, take them to practice, play games, watch them grow, have conversations, hear their voices. I coach everything just so I can see them on my off weeks. I am president of the pta so I can see them more often too. It’s awful in every way for me. I can’t stand it when they are gone. EDIT: Add in my ex bringing boyfriends around which makes me physically ill. I don’t sleep or eat. I feel miserable. I just hope my kids are getting through this okay, but it’s so hard to tell. I don’t want to ask if they feel bad because then they might think they are supposed to be feeling bad. So I just do what I can to make them feel happy and loved.
- randyrand 5y ago
  please date again and find someone that cares about you and makes you happy agai
- qzw 5y ago
  If you're not already getting help from a qualified therapist, please do so ASAP! They can really help you get through this dark period. I have no doubt the love you feel for your kids is 100% genuine, but the dynamic you describe tells me that you're also using them as an emotional crutch after the divorce. In the long run this will not be good for either them or you. Another reply suggested that you date again, which would be a good step eventually. But it does not sound like you'd be able to get into a healthy relationship yet. You don't have to commit to a therapist right away. Just look up a few near you, set up an initial appointment with each and treat it like interviews where you're the hiring manager. Go talk to them, and then maybe go back to the one you're most comfortable with. Things will get better for you, but you need a hand to pull you out of the ditch right now. Do it for yourself and your kids. They need you to show them what resilience looks like.
refurb 5y ago
Great for parents, devastating for kids often (some cope with a lot of therapy). The kids lose a family unit and now float between two where their place isn’t even certain. I’ve met many adult fucked up by that experience as a kid.

ashtonkem 5y ago

I highly recommend this book called "if you're in my office it's too late" by a divorce attorney. One of the things he recommends is parenting a bit like you're separated, trading off long stretches of time looking after the kid just like a divorced couple might do, but without the separate houses and finances.

javajosh 5y ago

This sounds wonderful. But one argument used against 50/50 and in favor of asymmetric time is "kids need continuity". This inevitably favors the mother. "60/40" means the father gets every other weekend and one night a week. Numerically this works out to 80/20 and even young children are quite aware of who their real parent is. It is horrible but it is also SOP for most jurisdictions in the US, and I am not being hyperbolic when I say it's a real, first-world humanitarian crisis. Children do not fair well without fathers, and yet our system degrades the very notion of fatherhood every chance it gets. Furthermore, the bad actors that populate family courts - judges, lawyers, police, therapists, mediators, visitation center workers - they all know the score and as a father you are truly a second-class citizen. You see the children at the whim of your wife, and literally no-one gives a single shit. Why the system is not 50/50 is beyond me, because the argument for continuity is absolutely ridiculous on its face. The real reason it continues is that in family court mothers have far more rights than fathers. Full stop. It's sexist, it's harmful to the children, and yes, I'll even say it's harmful for the father (although you're not supposed to say that, and if you do the system assumes you're lying to be manipulative). This 60/40 aka 80/20 situation is the good outcome for most fathers. It really only gets worse from there. If you give the judge attitude, they will have no problem putting you on supervised visitation indefinitely.

coredog64 5y ago
50/50 usually means no child support, if you’re looking for reasons why it’s uncommon.
- boppo1 5y ago
  Do you mean the mothers fight for more custody so they can nab an income?
  - Talanes 5y ago
    Or they don't trust the father to put in his fair share of doctor's visits, buying clothes, etc. The upside of paying child support is that the other party is assumedly taking point on all of those expenses.
- Muromec 5y ago
  In the Netherlands you can still pay child support with 50/50 if there is difference in income, just less of it.
jimbob45 5y ago
My buddy used to do 80/20 but on alternating months. So he’s go to his dad’s on weekends on one month and then the next month he’d do weeks at his dad’s. Worked reasonably well IMHO. Guess I should ask him how he felt.
kodah 5y ago
> This 60/40 aka 80/20 situation is the good outcome for most fathers. It really only gets worse from there. If you give the judge attitude, they will have no problem putting you on supervised visitation indefinitely. This is incredibly sad. Edit: I was curious and I shouldn't have been: https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/research/dads-custody-time-2018.php https://www.custodyxchange.com/topics/research/dads-custody-...
- actually_a_dog 5y ago

minitoar 5y ago

Speaking as a child that grew up moving back and forth between two households at my parent’s convenience: it really sucks.

danielheath 5y ago
Given the parents are separated, how could that be made to suck less? Are there particular ages where it's especially disruptive (eg teen years where being physically distant from friends houses is more of a problem)?
- astura 5y ago
  It's incredibly expensive but it's possible to have three homes and have the parents move around. Each parent gets their own home that they live in during their non-custodial time, and they move into the third home during their custodial time.
jquery 5y ago
Nothing about divorce is pleasant, per se. There's only bad and worse.

dexwiz 5y ago

My younger siblings had this and I had it for one summer before I left home. It really sucked. Maybe it would be better if the parent and living conditions were equal, but that was not the case. So one week you have a nice bed and your own room in a house you know, and the next you are in a bed with bad sheets, in a shared room with siblings in a house you hate. Friends have a whole summer together, but you are only around every other week. You have to readjust to a new routine every other week. One parent made significantly more than the other so one week would be middle class and the next week would be poor. I guess that is better than always, but it was really jarring.

rufus_foreman 5y ago

I grew up with divorced parents, my mom was married for the third time by the time I was 10. It wasn't glorious. It was the furthest thing from glorious. They're all dead now and I'm old and I'm still pissed off about it. If you can't commit to bringing up a kid together then don't have a kid. I am so pissed off even writing this, I've just got to say it, fuck parents like you.

throwaway675309 5y ago
I understand where you're coming from, but the alternative to getting a divorce might be even worse, two adults constantly abusing each other within the household and the child in close proximity to it with no escape. We don't really know the situation and everyone's is different.
DoreenMichele 5y ago
Glorious perhaps for the parents. Reading some of the comments here, I'm reminded of a story I read about several couples renting a summer house, sending all the kids from all the families there for the summer and the parents taking turns spending their vacation there to supervise. Some outsider was like "Oh, God, spending my two weeks of vacation tending to so many children sounds like a nightmare." And then someone pointed out that for the parents, the vacation was the other six weeks or whatever getting to live like a childless couple. (Please don't aim your anger at me. I'm on your side here.)
- ido 5y ago
  I guess it depends on the age of the children, but beyond a certain age wouldn't it be fun to spend a few weeks with a bunch of other kids in a summer home?
  - DoreenMichele 5y ago
    The kids apparently had a blast. I don't recall the age ranges. I think the only criticism was along the lines of "Well, that's great for the kids. But the poor parents! What in earth were they thinking?!" not realizing that the parents got a different kind of break in addition to doing something wonderful for the children who all got to spend like eight whole weeks at a lake house instead of just two and got to do it with lots of built-in friends to play with, rather than being lonely on an adult vacation away from their friends.

djrobstep 5y ago

Glorious for self-absorbed narcissistic parents, if they're wealthy enough for the divorce not to be ruinous. Not so glorious for kids who are constantly having to pack their bags and move between houses, never able to feel at home.

scotty79 5y ago
You could have kids stuff in both homes so they don't have to pack anything.
- meepmorp 5y ago
  That's not really how kids stuff works, especially with school in the mix.

boppo1 5y ago

And your kids are more likely to grow up to have successful acting careers!

paxys 5y ago

Sounds terrible for the kids

scotty79 5y ago

I wonder if some married parents operate like that. Where they time share childcare. One spends a week in family home while the other lives some distance apart in a studio and they swap after a week. This way children get stable home while parents get rest and adult space for themselves and have a chance of missing their kids.

dpcan 5y ago

That’s what I do with my ex but I can’t escape the hurt, depression, and uncertainty during the weeks when they are with my ex. I think most parents fully expect to be parents 100% of the time once they have kids. I don’t want, don’t need, don’t enjoy the “me/adult” time at all. I just want to make dinner for my kids, help with homework, watch a show together, take them to practice, play games, watch them grow, have conversations, hear their voices. I coach everything just so I can see them on my off weeks. I am president of the pta so I can see them more often too. It’s awful in every way for me. I can’t stand it when they are gone. EDIT: Add in my ex bringing boyfriends around which makes me physically ill. I don’t sleep or eat. I feel miserable. I just hope my kids are getting through this okay, but it’s so hard to tell. I don’t want to ask if they feel bad because then they might think they are supposed to be feeling bad. So I just do what I can to make them feel happy and loved.

randyrand 5y ago
please date again and find someone that cares about you and makes you happy agai
qzw 5y ago
If you're not already getting help from a qualified therapist, please do so ASAP! They can really help you get through this dark period. I have no doubt the love you feel for your kids is 100% genuine, but the dynamic you describe tells me that you're also using them as an emotional crutch after the divorce. In the long run this will not be good for either them or you. Another reply suggested that you date again, which would be a good step eventually. But it does not sound like you'd be able to get into a healthy relationship yet. You don't have to commit to a therapist right away. Just look up a few near you, set up an initial appointment with each and treat it like interviews where you're the hiring manager. Go talk to them, and then maybe go back to the one you're most comfortable with. Things will get better for you, but you need a hand to pull you out of the ditch right now. Do it for yourself and your kids. They need you to show them what resilience looks like.

refurb 5y ago

Great for parents, devastating for kids often (some cope with a lot of therapy). The kids lose a family unit and now float between two where their place isn’t even certain. I’ve met many adult fucked up by that experience as a kid.