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Agreed. I suppose someone losing his dad at 22 is, by and large, an anomaly in the welfare society. My dad died when I was 26. We had a really good, warm relat
by marttt 5y ago
Agreed. I suppose someone losing his dad at 22 is, by and large, an anomaly in the welfare society.
My dad died when I was 26. We had a really good, warm relationship, though: driving in his car, sitting side by side, not talking a single word for 30-45 minutes, and both still feeling good.
(Occasionally, though, in the end, he would ask something like "So, ugh, have you considered who to become when you're an adult?" -- to which I replied, "Uh, I guess I have, yeah." In a few still seconds, he'd say, "Yeah. Good idea to think about that." Disclaimer: national stereotype of us, Estonian men, is that we speak around 6 sentences a year -- but even at that time, as a teenager, I liked this blissful silence a lot.)
Then again, losing dad at a young age has surely influenced my own parenting. Basically, I gave up all my career ambitions just to be with the kids when they were (are) preschoolers. Prior to his death, work stuff was really going uphill for the 20-something me; now, I admit really struggling to get back on track again (I may have missed the career train for good).
I have also noticed an internal mantra or meme: I need to raise my kids so they could cope (psychologically and in terms of hands-on survival skills) if one of their parents, or both of their parents, should die unexpectedly.
To the previous poster and GP: thanks a lot for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I sometimes think that maybe me and my dad had no principal misunderstandings simply because he died too early for these to develop.
- BigHatLogan 5y agoThanks for the reply, and for sharing your story. I smiled at the description of Estonian men--I know a few Eastern Europeans myself (I think Estonia falls under Eastern Europe?), and your description is completely accurate. I'm glad you and your father had a warm relationship. I have a question for you: Do you wish you had stayed on the career train? Maybe not completely, but at least not getting off of it entirely? I am on the career train right now (not married, no children) but am wondering if it is "best" to leave if/when I start a family. Part of me feels like that would be nice, but the other part of me worries about providing materially for my [future] family, including my parents, who are not so well off financially too. So I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this, whether you have any regrets over it.
- Aeolun 5y agoBased on my own experience, there is no need to do so. I have just set hard limits on what can be expected of me (e.g no work after 6), and by all appearances my boss is still very happy with my work (and corresponding promotions).
- BigHatLogan 5y agoThat makes sense. Are you at all concerned about not getting promotions as quickly in the future, or being more easily replaceable, etc.? I guess I'm under the "up or out" mindset, especially in tech with the ageism factor. I would love to do exactly what I'm doing right now for the next 30 years, but I don't know if that's possible--that mindset keeps me on the train, so to speak.
- Aeolun 5y agoNot really. It probably depends on the organisation you are working for, but where I’m at now I still feel valued. Of course I’ll get less promotions, but that’s mostly because I reached the highest IC level now (as far as I’m aware). I can’t tell you how to do that though. For me I used to do a lot of feature delivery, but now I’m more focused on team wide improvements (pipeline, CI/CD, guidelines, tooling). I’ve taken myself off the critical path, but make everyone’s life better (or aim to, anyway).