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Loving Someone with Depression

• victorbojica 5y ago
  Leaving this here as it may help some people in this position, but don't know what to do
  • mctt 5y ago
    Perfect timing as I was just wondering about my own, depressed, partner.
• stephenitis 5y ago
  I lacked a support group or understanding from my family and peers to talk about what I was going through as a partner of a depressed person. This was sort of helpful to know I wasn’t alone. https://reddit.com/r/depression_partners https://reddit.com/r/depression_partners
• roter 5y ago
  Living with someone with depression can be taxing on your own well-being, especially without a support group. Being supportive, always saying the right thing, etc. You absolutely need to find time for yourself. In my case, exploring new adventures on my own, always with an open invitation, sparked hope & excitement in my partner.
• deleted 5y ago
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• hunterb123 5y ago
  My wife and I both have our days, it helps we both understand the feeling. Key is to not get aggravated, communicate clearly, and don't try to fix it, just console and lighten the mood. It helps to call out what the irrational thoughts are, but don't try to force them past it. It's hard to put things in perspective when you're down. Keep reminding them it's just temporary and that hopeless feeling will go away, can't do anything other than weather it. Changing state like smoking a bowl helps. Smoke a bowl, binge a show, take it easy. Most of the time we both have it and we just chill and have a pizza in bed day, it's harder when only one of us has it. AMA, I'll reply but will prob be delayed.
• throwaway37427 5y ago
  It's a good article, but articles like these are usually at the level of "depression is a real thing." Which is obviously true, but here are some things that mental health experts probably won't (or can't) tell you. A depressed partner might not be able to give or receive love. The giving love part is understandable, but the not receiving love part is tricky. Your partner might feel that you don't love them, and might be angry or resentful that you aren't loving them, even though you are. They might think if you loved them their depression would end. Your partner might feel so bad about themselves that they don't feel they deserve love, and that by loving them you're just stressing them out the way it feels when people want you to eat when you're not hungry. Your partner might see a therapist, and because of the nature of therapy, might be nudged into blaming you for all their woes. Finally, there's the possibility that you're the reason your partner is depressed. You might be a huge disappointment, but they feel too guilty to leave you, and feel trapped and helpless by the situation. Your partner might have imagined their life would have been very different and is so frustrated that they just shut down. Your partner might feel that the love you give isn't worth anything because it's coming from a loser. Probably the best thing you can do is make a good life and hope your joy will spark something in them.
  • ffwacom 5y ago
    • beckman466 5y ago
  • jancsika 5y ago
    > Your partner might see a therapist, and because of the nature of therapy, might be nudged into blaming you for all their woes. What about the possibility that the depressed person might have suddenly stopped seeking help from their therapist/ stopped taking their medication? That seems important to mention in your list-- IIRC at least the latter is actually a symptom of some types of depression.
• okareaman 5y ago
  My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to love them, but that seemed a long time ago and there was no hope of ever feeling again. I thought about suicide often, but my inability to get motivated prevented me from carrying it out. I once had a bounce of energy so I started planning to kill myself and the weird thing was, that I felt the happiest I had ever felt in my life. It was such a feeling of peace and joy that it would soon be over. Fortunately for me, my family would not tolerate me in this condition and forced to me to get out of bed and dragged me to doctors and checked me into mental health units until we found the right doctor who perscribed the right medication that worked. Turns out typical anti-depressants don't work on me because I am bipolar and was experiencing bipolar depression. It's been three years of recovery now and I am very happy. I take my quatiepine every night and get the sleep I need so I don't relaspe into mania and then depression. My family is not sophisticated about mental illness. They would rather not think about it. But the one thing they did is to refuse to let me remain in that state and forced me to take action.
  • joflicu 5y ago
    How do you manage the side-effects (especially weight gain) from quatiepine? My best wishes to you.
    • okareaman 5y ago
      I'm lucky I only need a low dose (50 mg) but you're right, the weight gain is a drag. At least I have the energy now to excercise, so I have normal problems, thank god.
      • YXNjaGVyZWdlbgo 5y ago
        You must be bp2 and take it more for sedation because the anti psychotic effect only manifests on higher doses.
• deleted 5y ago
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• kayodelycaon 5y ago
  As someone who is bipolar, this hits the nail firmly on the head. Having to deal with people is just exhausting on top of everything else. All people need to do is listen and don’t try to fix things. But people want to fix things. If I don’t let them fix things, I’m the asshole. If they can’t fix things, it’s my job to absolve their guilt, or I’m the asshole. If I’m having suicidal thoughts, I’ve learned just say I’m “good” or “a bit tired” and change the topic. I don’t need people getting freaked out over every day problems I deal with. No one can do anything to help that isn’t already being done. I have a psychiatrist, medication, and multiple safety plans. I don’t need more help. What I need is understanding and no expectations.
  • fastball 5y ago
    I'm glad you've got everything taken care of, but I think part of the problem is that not everyone does. Some people don't need any more help, but some people do. Hard to tell from the outside.
    • kayodelycaon 5y ago
      It is hard to tell and most people don’t know what to look for. And I don’t expect them to. The problem is people do whatever they think will help instead of listening.
      • joshgrib 5y ago
        Something that's helped me in this situation is to explicitly tell people "I'm only looking for someone to listen please don't suggest anything to help". Otherwise as you said people want to help, and generally if someone is telling you an issue they are looking for a solution. It can feel weird sometimes, but I think you get way better outcomes when the person knows how you want them to respond. Then you don't have to worry about not letting them fix things or absolving guilt if they can't. If you don't expect them to know then that's a perfect reason to tell them, and you can be super nice about it and say something like "Hey I really appreciate you trying to help but the thing that will help me most right now is just listening and not suggesting anything". Edit: sorry in advance for the suggestion if it isn't what you're looking for haha, just sharing what's worked well for me
• ThinkBeat 5y ago
  Living with me is quite difficult since I am suicidal a lot. One of the biggest hells of depression for me is that I have been through more than enough therapy that I can "view myself" from the outside. I can rerun conversations in my head that I have had many times in therapy that are meant to enlighten me and show me that my reasoning and thoughts are abnormal and even what it should be instead. The hell is that I can establish this from an "objective" observer but I cannot change how I am. I cannot stop what goes inside my head. If I could, I would have done so a long f.. time ago. It all works out to torture me even more. My recommendations for people I interact with: 1. Dont give me advice on how to get better. Whatever you want to say, I have heard it a million times. If you were to produce a novel idea it wont help. (99,999999% sure). 2. Dont tell me to [grow up, get over myself, change my attitude, go for a walk,... etc] You are completely right in what you are saying. I know this. But like I said the hell is not being able to act o it. 3. Dont be condescending. I am not a 5 year old child I am not mentally retarded. Speaking slow or loud wont help. under all the layers my brain is still firing, dont presume I am a moron. {This actually happens a lot] 4. Dont ask if I want to talk about it. I dont. Because I know it does not make any rational sense. Thus confirming it is not and feeling judged by it. However, sometimes I really need to talk, rant, curse, So if you can take it, let me talk when I need to about it. Most people cannot take it. (Not their fault in any way) 5. Utterly loud music. For me something extremely aggressive. Headphones do not work. As Lemmy sings: --Only way to feel the noise is when it's good and loud --On your feet you feel the beat, it goes straight to your spine I have to be able to really feel it. I have the ability to do so. It is one of the few things that quiets down my brain a bit. Aligns it. However, I know my neighbors, people across the street, people above and below, do not at all feel the same way. So even though it helps, I cannot do that. Another f... me. I wish I lived in the woods, or I could afford to soundproof my living room. Given cheap apartment construction, I am not sure if it is possible, if it is, it would take up so much space that there is nothing left. All I need is to build a room inside my room and suspend it somehow and ensure that there is a layer of absolute vacuum encompassing it. Easy. 6. Sometimes I get locked in and I cannot make a decision one something. A subtle iteration of non-horrible possibilities is helpful when done right but it is asking a lot from another human being. I am hungry, but I dont know what to eat. Everything is bleak anyways and everything sucks. Then a few minutes out, I am hungry (rinse and repeat). I can get stuck in this for hours inside my head. Having someone who knows me go over some non-horrible ideas and helping me think they are plausible helps me. (but taxing for whoever does it). 7. When something eventually brings about the need for suicide as an imminent and positive idea. It is hell for everyone and its nearly impossible to handle. I mean I can again understand it. Seeing someone you care about potentially killing themselves in a couple of minutes puts a stress on anyone. "Dont do it, I love you, dont . " I dont have any general advice for it. I have pushed away the people in my life. I live alone. There is no one I can call, except the ambulance. See it has lasted for years. Decades. People get fed up, tired, and move on, as they should. Staying, esp over time is insane and not something you can ask of another human. I have dogs. Rescue dogs. They are the only reason I am still on the Internet. They impose a structure in my life. They need walks, they need food, they need .. etc. I still manage to think that they have a decent life with me. I dont have anyone who could take them where I knew they would have a better life. They never bullshit me. They dont get angry at my bullshit. They always appreciate interactions and can cuddle for hours.
• kindadepressing 5y ago
  I’ve been depressed for 6 or 7 years. I’m 23 now. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to end. I’ve been in a challenging episode for the past few weeks. I have been fortunate to be able to take a week and a half off work. I thought it would be relaxing, but all I’ve done is lay in bed. My girlfriend lives with me, and I feel so guilty and embarrassed. I wouldn’t want to be with me. I don’t think my problems are ever going away. It’s been years, and every aspect of my life is way better than when this all started. Except my mental health. I still feel just as shitty as I did 6 years ago. I’ve started to look at life like a party that I reluctantly agreed to attend. I’m at the party, and I’m having a bad time. I just want to go home. My vacation is over and I’ll be signing on to work in about 14 hours. I don’t think I’ll get much done. I’ve been thinking about checking myself into a hospital, but I’ve been there and didn’t find it very effective. Loving someone with depression is depressing. I’m sorry to all of you loving people like me. (posted on a throwaway because it’s too embarrassing to associate with my main, and I’ve actually had online comments like this used against me in the past)
  • breatheandfocus 5y ago
    You said something that I have experienced as well: > I don’t think my problems are ever going away. It’s been years, and every aspect of my life is way better than when this all started. Except my mental health. I still feel just as shitty as I did 6 years ago. I became very aware that my mental health was in very bad shape about 6 years ago. Ever since then I have been on a journey to try and understand why, because, as you stated, every aspect of my life (for the most part), expect my mental health, was better than when I became very aware of the problems. I don't know if this will apply to you, but, on the chance that it does or that it applies to someone else, I wanted to share some articles and videos that helped me better understand what I have been going through: 1. http://www.ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/ http://www.ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/ 2. That same website has a handful of other articles I found helpful: http://www.ocdspecialists.com/blog/ http://www.ocdspecialists.com/blog/ 3. Therapist Answers: "What is Congruent Depression?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDhqTf5eJH4 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDhqTf5eJH4 Take care everyone.
    • 5y ago
• GlenTheMachine 5y ago
  Depression can also manifest in different ways. One way is anger, frustration, and anxiety. My wife’s depression was like this. She would come home from work, find one thing wrong with our apartment - there were dirty dishes in the sink, the clothes hadn’t been folded - and get angry with me for not having taken care of it. The fact that I had cooked dinner and mopped the floors didn’t count. She was angry with me probably 33-50% of the time. For about a year I tried to get out ahead of all the chores. But that’s impossible. Finally I realized that this wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t a bad partner. This was something in her head. I could actually watch in real time as her own brain gaslit her. I’d pay her a compliment — “that dress looks nice” — and see a perceptible lag as her brain figured out how to turn it into an insult — “your other dresses aren’t nice.” Eventually she recognized something was wrong and got help, but it took a couple of years. She is a completely different person now. If you are the partner of a depressed person, your primary responsibility is to yourself. You have to stay sane. THEN, if you can, you can support and help your partner. But if you lose your own mental health you’re pretty much done.
  • bonoboTP 5y ago
    So was she diagnosed with depression or what? Main part is missing from the anecdote.
    • GlenTheMachine 5y ago
      Yes. Eventually. SSRIs saved our marriage.
    • albedoa 5y ago
      A major point is that a diagnosis is often missing from the anecdote because there is not one. The main part is the depression.
      • bonoboTP 5y ago
        Without a diagnosis, it wouldn't be clear that such irritability and being confrontational/angry is the result of depression and not something else.
• magpi3 5y ago
  I think the overarching message with this post is right on whenever you are talking to someone who is struggling: listen, love, and don't judge. A hug is much better than a suggestion on how the family member can "fix" themselves. I also want to put a plug in for dogs. I have struggled with depression on and off in my life, and two years ago I adopted a dog I saw being abused in the street. She was just a little puppy, and I absolutely did not want anything to do with raising a dog at the time, but I felt I had no choice. I picked her up and took her home. Since then I have not been able to sleep past 7am in the morning without these two little eyes staring me down. But it is wonderful. She gives me relentless love every day, and she gave my life a really healthy structure it desperately needed. We go on walks three times a day looking for her doggy friends. I spent a lot more time in nature, because she doesn't give a damn for computers or video games. I know even some people look down on me for how much I love my dog, but they have no idea what I was like before. This dog saved my ass. Now it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to just lie in bed, and that is a great thing, not a bad thing.
  • GreenWatermelon 5y ago
    I like down on people who look down on animal lovers. The love you get from animals (dogs, cats, etc...) is pure. These creatures are incapable of malice and wrong, and their desires are simple. Accordingly, Animals (and children) are the only creatures to which I can give unconditional love.
  • tartoran 5y ago
    I ‘borrowed’ my friends dog when I was going through some darker times in my life during a burnout. We went for long walks every day for a few weeks and feel that it helped out tremendously. Without that forced structure I would have prolonged my suffering, probably starring at the ceiling ruminating on the same thoughts all day long. It worked for me, it worked out for the dog and it worked out for my friends whose time and attention was largely taken by their child. Likewise, my mother was forced to adopt a dog in a similar fashion as you, she wasn’t eager to get a dog but in hindsight she’s benefitted greatly from it, phisically and emotionally.
  • stavros 5y ago
    Dogs are amazing. I found mine on the street too, though she would wait for me to get up before she came over to play, she never woke me up. Now she's an old lady with hearing problems, but she's still amazing and super smart. https://youtu.be/COIVkkHxNR0 https://youtu.be/COIVkkHxNR0
• khazhoux 5y ago
  A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.
  • bananamerica 5y ago
    I'd say: it is okay to leave your depressed partner as long as they're not suicidal at the moment. Staying just for their sake will be worse in the long run. I have bipolar depression.
  • azalemeth 5y ago
    I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a lot; sleeping on the sofa every night. I felt very, very bad about leaving, but I just could not cope and wondered what would happen for the rest of my life either. As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. I just wish someone would tell me that I did the right thing, and am not a monstrous human, failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need.
    • kingkawn 5y ago
      You did the right thing.
    • ciphol 5y ago
      You did the right thing, as the apparently unanimous consent of every you know indicates.
    • kayodelycaon 5y ago
• standardUser 5y ago
  Having helped a person through a severe depressive episode that lasted many months, I have to say there is a lot more to it than this article suggests. Sometimes I had to talk and not listen, because I needed my partner to eat for the first time that day, or needed to coerce them to keep their doctor or therapy appointments because if they didn't, they would rapidly end up disconnected from any professional care. I found that their disposition came in waves and would be worse for a few days and better for a few days, and during those better days we could work together on damage control from all the bedridden days, and discuss different treatment options to pursue. But even during the worst days, I still needed to get them to eat, or stop them from wandering off in the middle of the night, or get them to call back their panicked family member. It was hard work.
  • eloeffler 5y ago
    The biggest respect for your hard work (as well for the person that you helped, of course). This article kind of suggested that it contains advice for the people that provide care, but it still misses their personal perspective and what they can do to care for themselves. It is often also especially hard to find advice for people who become caregivers in a relationship that is not inherited / biological but rather voluntary. I hope you had a good network of people to support you during that time, as well.
  • top_sigrid 5y ago
    Thank you for pointing this out! I really appreciate people talking and being open about this topic and discussions/threads like these. But with this topic, generalization in general is pretty hard. With mental illnesses there are so much individual conditions, personal history/socialization, charachter etc. playing into it, that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to this. Coping with depression and similar with others is a very individual task and just like you said, different situations and characters call for dealing with it very specifically.
• orasis 5y ago
  Yeah sorry. I’m not going to just listen. A lot of the time you need to push them to take the next step because they are STUCK. Go exercise, eat some healthy food, take your damn meds, try new meds, try ketamine if suicidal, try psilocybin if treatment resistant. But coddling depression just drags it out longer and digs the spiral deeper. Yes, it is a disease which means it needs to be treated.
  • deleted 5y ago
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  • codeafin 5y ago
    Glad to see this, as someone who has almost only been with people with depression, this article was a very aggressive "You're not doing enough, you're doing it wrong, you're not trying hard enough, you should be doing better" which is hypocritical. The post did not come from a place of compassion or support, but entitlement. This article doesn't understand how hard it is to listen to hours, days, months, years of a person you care about constantly speaking of ending their life. "Just Listen" may be good advice for the first 50 hours or so, but after that is absolutely not a productive suggestion. All of those with depression who I have been with do a combination of: - Sleep small amounts of absurd hours - Eat junk foods - Spend all their time on video games, YouTube, TV shows, social media - No exercise - Take substances such as caffeine or other recreational drugs And it is indeed coddling that has gotten them to this point. The general response may be "It is so easy for you to say and do", but it really isn't easy for anyone. With an increase in people who either identify as or are diagnosed with depression, they have continued to claw at other aspects to blame, and it's now shifting to blaming "loved ones" for "failing" them.
    • laurent92 5y ago
      > - Eat junk foods Isn’t that a side effect of lazyness? > - Spend all their time on video games, YouTube, TV shows, social media And loneliness? > - Take substances such as caffeine or other recreational drugs Doesn’t everyone drink caffeine? Asking seriously. I am depressed but I believe computer addiction sucks my liveliness, fortunately with programming instead of gaming, so I was able to make a career out of it, but it’s been the bane of my life. I prefer caffeine because it bumps my mood and I can still do sports, as opposed to meds which cut my libido and break my will to do sports and make me want to eat fat (so basically cuts my manliness), but could caffeine be the cause of anything and do most people do without? After 39 years old, I just conclude people hate people who work and invent values to break our life (preferring some people to others, celebrating other people’s deeds (meanwhile I’ve donated thousands to charities, in hours and money, who cares?), now locking us down with covid psychosis, it sounds very fun to them), I’m done trying to better myself, ideology of favouring the weakest turns into hating the “rich” and plain bullying. If the world didn’t revolve around making our life difficult, people like me wouldn’t spend our life at work and they wouldn’t be able to fund their awful “social” (social but not me) projects. The economy of the nation revolves on stable bullying.
• cgearhart 5y ago
  I have been living with a bipolar/depressed spouse for the past ten years. About once every three or four years we have a major episode (often a depressive abyss immediately following a manic period). I feel deeply for anyone suffering this or similar diseases…but I’m also tired of articles like this one at this point. It feels like they all come at me from this perspective of what I need to do for my spouse while they completely ignore the insane burdens that I’m faced with every day. (I’m not interested in being told how I can help anymore, because the truth is that I can’t help; I can wait until time or adjusting meds makes the condition manageable again.) It’s *hard* to “just listen” without judging when your spouse can barely get out of bed or shower; when they don’t clean up after themselves in the bathroom, kitchen, or other shared areas; and they abandon or abdicate their part of any shared responsibilities in the family. I felt like any attempt that I made to pick up the slack just created room for them to retreat even more into their depression—and at times like that it feels like the stress and frustration is killing me. So to all the spouses, family, and friends who support bipolar or depressed folks: I see you. I feel what you feel—love, frustration, guilt, anger, resentment, and hope. You don’t owe anyone else anything, and it’s OK if you can’t do everything on your own.
  • cm2012 5y ago
    There was a time when I was caring for my spouse when I kind of wished I would have a heart attack that would hospitalize me but not kill me, so I wouldn't have to carry the burden for a bit. I don't know what I would have done if we didn't luck into finding a therapist who specialized in her problems.
  • kkjjkgjjgg 5y ago
    I don't think "just listening" is even an acknowledged treatment of depression. So they say nothing works, you can't tell them to do anything because their brain is just broken, but supposedly "just listening" works? I'd say the article is simply unfounded bullshit.
• ceedan 5y ago
  Listening is everything. Turn off the problem solver part of your brain and just experience their emotions and listen. Ask questions based on what they have said, try not to assume or think 2 steps ahead. Going through different medications with your partner is rough too. The side effects suck, and some medicine doesnt help or makes things worse. Trintellix helped my partner, after 2 or 3 others failed medications. Those were a tough few months. My recent 2 cents for partners, try taking a personality test on behalf of your partner. The results, may give you some better understanding of them... Especially if they are reserved and unwilling to open up and whatnot. I've done this recently and I'm quite surprised by the accuracy of a lot of the content that I read about different personality types. For some in my family, reading descriptions of their personalities has been comically accurate. Maybe reading about their personalities just helps me to think more objectively and clearly about their own emotions, rather than getting it all mixed up in my own emotions. You can search like "INTJ unhappiness" and read up on their perspective. Maybe this all sounds dumb to you, but just give it at shot. At the least it'll be kind of fun to take the test on their behalf and see what the results are like.
  • NicoJuicy 5y ago
    I suppose the situation is that your partner is INTJ and almost apathic to living in the now and focused on the future? Can i ask what improved the situation ?
    • ceedan 5y ago
      I'm so sorry, my partner was actually INFJ. I just put a random one there. My INFJ issues were related to perfectionism. We went to therapy together, and it helped.. would reccomend. Therapy is a great safe place to ask them "dumb" questions about their behavior and thoughts. If you're not at that point yet, keep researching about their brand of unhappiness and see if any suggestions come up.
  • joshgrib 5y ago
    Just want to add that I think these are useful to get general ideas of what different personality traits there are, but there's little to no science backing the Meyers-Briggs assessment. These type of tests can be nice framework for a starting point, but you should never rely on them to predict how someone will act in the future more than you would astrology. https://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article/does-the-myers-briggs-test-really-work/ https://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article/does-the-myers-b... For background - the test was created by a mother-daughter team who were authors but with no background in psychology. They were inspired to create the test, but they couldn't convince any psychologists it was legitimate so they instead sold it to businesses as a way to assess employee strengths and weaknesses. https://allthatsinteresting.com/myers-briggs-test https://allthatsinteresting.com/myers-briggs-test https://www.huffpost.com/entry/myers-briggs-personality-test-creators_n_5b97b145e4b0511db3e61e41 https://www.huffpost.com/entry/myers-briggs-personality-test... > As Emre explains, the test has become part of our neoliberal discourse about making yourself into a commodity, selling your personality, loving what you do > It seems their ideas about personality and gender made them blind to structural problems so that they saw gender inequality as an individual problem. Kinda unrelated to this discussion, but there's also this darker side to all these personality tests where they encourage people to fit into a certain role because it benefits a company and not because it's who they really are.
• pingsl 5y ago
  Just before my marriage, I knew my wife had depression. Now we have been together for more than 12 years. She has never recovered from depression thoroughly, so I have accepted this is a lifelong situation. I agree with the point "when they talk, listen." Because in my experience, the talk will become an argument finally. And that will hurt everyone in this family. So let's listen. My sincere advice is to think twice when you love someone with depression. It will be very hard. 1. As the partner, you will be in a dilemma. You can not force them to see the doctors or take the medicines, as it's irrespective. And you are not willing to do nothing, you want to help. 2. Sometimes it's a competition. Either you will help your partner out or your partner will destroy you. You might feel the only one you can help is yourself. So think twice. If you still decide to move on, you need to find out a way to take care of yourself. So that you can stay on this hard journey.
  • zwkrt 5y ago
    > Sometimes it's a competition. Either you will help your partner out or your partner will destroy you. I read this from after following a few links from a post the other day, and it was a real eye-opener regarding this very feeling. 1. http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html 2. http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems-whittling-yourself-away.html http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems-whittling-yo...
    • pingsl 5y ago
      Thanks for sharing. This is good.
• bachmeier 5y ago
  I found this podcast to be insightful: https://beyondthetodolist.com/374 https://beyondthetodolist.com/374 Julie Fast on Getting Things Done with Depression. The episode is probably more useful for someone that hasn't struggled with severe depression than for those that have.
• cm2012 5y ago
  My wife has something close to borderline personality disorder with the primary feature of fear of abandonment (she was abandoned as a child). As you can imagine, this has been stressful. Culminating in her attempting suicide when I had to go to work one morning. Luckily after three tries, the fourth therapist did the trick. He specialized in treating emotional regulation disorders with DBT therapy. My wife can now function in life, its incredible. People who interact with her now wouldn't recognize her from 3 years ago.
  • supernovae 5y ago
    DBT is what saved my kids life too
• deleted 5y ago
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• nus07 5y ago
  I suffer from depression and oscillate between days of high productivity and days of listlessness. I am a fairly decent programmer who has cracked FAANG interviews and got PIPed out of one in the past mostly due to my depression . I now work at a job which pays me well but is nowhere close to FAANG levels and I am fine with that because I need a job that allows me the 1-2 days in two weeks where I can barely do anything . My spouse has had to deal with all this and also my outbursts and lying on the couch doing nothing . I recognize how patient she has been and tried to help me. I tend to get critical of her and blame her. I have finally started seeing a therapist and know I am in the wrong . But it feels very hard to fight the bad feelings which has been worse since the death of a parent during Covid and another aging parent while I am stuck in another country unable to travel.
  • rancar2 5y ago
    I’ve know people to read or listen to Feeling Good in similar circumstances and find relief. Given that you are already seeing a therapist, this may help accelerate that transition from surviving to thriving. It’s a journey taken one step at a time, sometimes forward and sometimes backward. Being kind to yourself and giving yourself lots of time to go beyond the surviving state gives one the best chance. I wish you all the best in the journey.
  • ir123 5y ago
    Hi, I'm pretty much in the same situation. I have bursts of high productivity and then periods where I cant get out of bed. It's not bipolar because it's not random, there are things that trigger the change. I also had offers from FAANG but I purposely did not take it because I know myself and I know that these companies are not forgiving. I did something much more risky and moved to an ecommerce firm in Europe. I thought this company would be forgiving and the competition would be less. Boy was I wrong, people are competent here and I was already given a warning. I had one of my triggers and now I'm extremely tired all the time and cannot get out of bed. My mind is working at 30 percent and all the work I have done in last 4 months have been because of short 1-2 hours of productivity bursts. It gets sooo stressful to work, but I try really hard just to avoid an embarassing pip and avoid losing my visa. My family back at home depends on my money. I keep contemplating going back home but I cannot make up my mind. Any advice will be appreciated.
• DoreenMichele 5y ago
  To whatever degree a thing is treatable with medication, I think it can be deemed to be a medical condition with somatopsychic side effects. And we should strive to embrace that idea and figure out how to heal whatever is wrong physically, in cases where that is one element of the issue. Mental health issues are hard in part because the person who has it can't trust their own judgement. If people around you don't understand or are trying to force a solution on you against your will that isn't actually in your best interest, that combo can help keep you stuck. I'm glad it's getting talked about. That's definitely a step in the right direction.
• istorical 5y ago
  I wonder when fecal microbiome transplant will be the next 'just try psilocybin / ketamine' and if it will work well. Find a happy friend and freeze some of their poop, put it in gelcap, swallow it. See if it fixes the eternal sad.
  • Datagenerator 5y ago
    This made me almost smile, thanks c:
  • redisman 5y ago
    You’re supposed to put it up your butt, not swallow it
    • onemoresoop 5y ago
      https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2014/10/11/good-news-you-can-take-your-fecal-transplants-orally/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2...
• lemiant 5y ago
  This is not constructive advice. It is a heck of a lot more complicated than this is making it out to be. You wouldn't leave your loved one with a broken leg until the "found their own way" to the doctor.
  • TranquilMarmot 5y ago
    Right- you would give them a lift or call them an ambulance!
  • Broken_Hippo 5y ago
    A broken leg is sometimes a bad metaphor. Sure, you'd take them to the doctor for a broken leg, and help them as they get better. I'd leave someone that didn't do this. But if the person refused to go to the doctor, what do you do then? How do you assess if they are bad enough to try to force them into hospitalisation if they aren't obviously a danger to anyone? What if the broken leg winds up causing abusive behavior (on repeated occasions) - do you stay? If their leg doesn't heal correctly and you have to care for them, can you handle the stress? What happens if you find out you aren't a good caregiver and it makes you hate your life? I know these examples seem extreme, but it is closer to what folks sometimes deal with when their loved one has a mental illness.
• nbardy 5y ago
  There is some good points in here, but the advice about not trying to drag someone out of the tunnel is off. Ive been very depressed and had very depressed friends. Getting then outside, on walks, with friends, and doing the things they like again is very useful. Even it it doesn't do anything that day going through the motions is useful. Depressed people don't feel like doing anything they'll have to do things they don't want to or they'll never leave the bed.
• _srec 5y ago
  I remember starting to dip into mental health issues several months ago. Sadly, unlike some of the commentators here, my family ignored my requests for help. It wasn’t a typical depression, and as I came to learn last month, had a neurological component. This news combined with my other symptoms makes me feel like I’m covid long hauling. If anything, I was/am depressed at my inability to do stuff like I used to be able to. Therapy is helping me a lot with the situation. My boyfriend also happens to be fighting depression right now. It’s been a very weird time for the both of us learning about our conditions and how to navigate them, but we’re making it through. Plus I know one thing for certain. He puts a smile on my face. c: Thank you for sharing this article, and thank you everyone else for your stories too!
• DrBoring 5y ago
  Are there any kind of financial support programs for people with depression? I feel like I'm stuck in this trap where I am not healthy enough to endure full time employment, but I don't have enough income to pay for treatment. I expect there might be government services available, but I'm dubious of their efficacy. What I'd love is some sort of grant program where the goal is to help intelligent semi-effective people improve themselves by healing their depression.
  • rancar2 5y ago
    There are programs, non-profits, and alternative treatments depending on the country/region/state/city. If you are able to send US text messages for free to/from the US, you can use X2AI’s chatbot for free by texting “YC” to (650) 825-9634. It will at least get you access to CBT coaching, which has shown to help. Medication (once one finds the right one for themselves) helps many, but here is a good TED talk on approaches without medication: https://youtu.be/drv3BP0Fdi8 https://youtu.be/drv3BP0Fdi8 Disclosure: I know the founder.
  • jjeaff 5y ago
    Depending on how much money you make, you should be able to get a subsidized marketplace health are plan (Obamacare). If you are single and make around $25k a year, your premiums would be near $0 in most states. And they have full mental health coverage.
• noduerme 5y ago
  At the beginning, I thought this was written by someone like me - i.e. the not clinically depressed person in a relationship. I'm impressed this person had the insight and compassion to understand what the people around him went through, and thought, and the strategies they composed, while trying to rescue him from it. For me, ten years of watching the love of my life struggle with severe manic/depressive episodes, there are a few more bits of advice I could add for the partner of someone with depression, but everything he says here is accurate. Specifically: * You can't just entertain them with novelty; it doesn't last * You can't drag them out of bed, or of the darkness * You can't argue or reason it out - you'll end up depressed yourself if you try. What you can do is internalize their reasoning and find that you don't accept the ultimate, inescapable negativity that they see everywhere. You can be unreasonably kind and forgiving. You can never lose your temper. You can see the things you know they would love to see in the world, if they got out of their hole, and you can gently try to put them in the orbit of those things and point those things out to them every day, to get their internal excitement and curiosity about the world spinning up again a little bit. There are so many things you shouldn't do, the list would be too long to write here. But the number one thing is not to try to out-depress the depressed. It's good to hug them and to be there and to go into the darkness with them. But if you take this on, you can never let it infect you. If you're in love with a clinically depressed person: * You can never have a bad day. * You can never tell them that you, too, question the reason we're alive or the meaning of the universe. * You can never respond the way you would with a normal, self-regulating person, when you shoot the shit about how fucked up everything is. Or even some specific thing. Like how fucked up some twitter thread is. You can never let something visibly get to you, because your depressed person will take that as a cue that it should really get to them. They aren't just depressed; they take cues from what's around them and they will be more depressed the more depressed other people are. For this reason, it's urgent that you pretend like everything is fine. You have to understand that clinically depressed people take more than they give. This is okay because they aren't doing it to gain power or to hurt anyone. Being able to give and adapt to them makes you a stronger person; it forces you to be a superhero, no matter how much you don't want to be. No matter how much you want to get depressed too, you know you just can't because someone's relying on you. It makes you better at coping with all the hard parts of life because, if she can't cope, someone has to cope, and the only someone is you. But it's hard. And you'll rarely or never hear a heartfelt moment of understanding / apology like the one in this post. You have to know that you're doing good, without anyone else ever telling you that you did a good job, or that it's going to be okay. And with most of your friends and family telling you to get away from the crazy person who you love more than anything. You'll be alright, person who loves and supports depressed person. It'll make you stronger in the end.
• bojangleslover 5y ago
  Young folks take heed of these stories. The lesson is that, of the people you will truly love, you can't choose your kids or your parents but you can choose the spouse.
• thelittleone 5y ago
  I've previously been diagnosed with BP, ADHD and depression. Tried all sorts of meds. I was never debilitated by these conditions but felt it was holding me back. Several trips to South America, a lot of work on cleansing my body and diet, and I found love for life and a fire inside. I released all my past grievances, reformed new perspectives, let go of strong opinions and learned not to connect feelings with identity, observing them coming and going instead. Through this I have developed such a love and thirst for life. Each day I wake up and write what I am grateful for. Every day is a gift.... the simpler the thing that I can genuinely feel grateful for (example a glass of water) the great freedom and distance I feel from those conditions. I feel for those going through this and I wish you the very best.
• kkjjkgjjgg 5y ago
  Are there any citations to the claims she is making in her article about the nature of depression and the things people should do around depressed people? Like she claims "listening" is the correct thing to do, so supposedly it helps against depression? Tbh it sounds to me more like a power thing "see I am depressed, and you are treating me all wrong and you have to do this and that because I am depressed".
  • hackerfromthefu 5y ago
    It may be something that 'feels' better while not making much impact on the situation, however providing fleeting temporary relief in the moment of being heard and feeling connected. I guess if there's nothing that will help then temporary relief is good. However I also guess than in many situations there are things that can make lasting positive impact, if they can be found. Finding these positive impactful things requires action though not just listening. The art is in knowing when to listen and when to act
• tpoacher 5y ago
  I feel that this author falls for the exact same mistake with their intended audience that they accuse them of doing. From the wording I thought it would be an article on identifying and empathising with the less-visible curse of depression, that of being a carer. Instead it was just advice, intended to help not the carer, but the advice giver, to feel better that they've actively tried to 'fix' the problem.
• socialdemocrat 5y ago
  I can relate a lot to this having had mild depression over many years. All the advice and attempts at “fixing” the problem can just make you not want to talk about it. You just don’t want to hear the same damn advise over and over again. I think what I found hardest is the assumption that a person with depression in addition to doing their job has energy and motivation to do a multitude of activities which is supposed to make you well. One thing that helped me was to be on partial sick leave. I would go to work but spend less time there. The left over time I would spend on taking long walks. I would just walk through the city and look at old architecture. It was a sort of real low effort activity I could pull off. A lot of other stuff was just too hard to motivate myself to. You need stuff that is easy to do and be given the time to do it. With depression you don’t have energy and motivation to do all the normal chores. The worst is when absolutely nothing is fun or interesting. Everything is just a void. All the things you normally love means nothing to you. For me one of the most painful things was completely losing the joy of playing with my children. I had a lot of fun doing it before depression. But depression more or less permanently robbed me of that joy. You feel terrible when playing with your own kids become the worst chore possible. You so want to like it. But you cannot because something is broken in your head. Only positive I think has come out of it is a stronger ability to empathize with other people who struggle. It is easier to see how people are not necessarily living the life they want to live. They are just managing as best they can.
• izhak 5y ago
  This is so fucking desperate. This whole thing is so fucking fucked up. Somebody I love has been in depression for almost a year. I tried everything, including this suggested "stay with them in the dark until they are better, oh wait that time could never come, but you do stay there with them nevertheless". Thanks for the "advice". That's what I've been doing. It's draining and it's killing me. Burning out through such experience is a matter of months, unless you are fully well, physically and mentally happy and stable yourself w/ a lot of overage to give. Surprise - most people are not. The article doesn't mention that at all. Doesn't answer the question where the hell can we find the resource and support to sustain ourselves while also being in the somebody else's darkness. Doesn't even mention that as a fundamental question. And for many of us the situation of "can't leave my beloved one, can't live with them in the darkness" will result in a endless cycle of two depressed people locked up in the cave of mutual drowning. I'm still here and I'm not gonna go.
  • vishnumohandas 5y ago
    What you're going through sounds painful. Depression is perhaps contagious. I hope you are doing the best you can to take care of your own mental health. It could otherwise result in a negative feedback loop. Also, please think about seeing a therapist. It might help to talk to someone who can understand what you are dealing with.
  • fleddr 5y ago
    I couldn't agree more, the article is hopelessly naive and assumes that the partner simply has an unlimited amount of (mental) energy and patience to try and handle somebody with a mental illness. And worse, you're not "allowed" to actually help, you should leave them in the dark and absorb their negativity. The fact that this negativity reflects on yourself seems to be of no interest to the author.
    • izhak 5y ago
      exactly
• thenaturalist 5y ago
  For anyone struggling with depression or living with a partner who does, I highly recommend Johann Hari’s book “Lost Connections”. It’s a non-fiction journey through decades of research on depression, how the topic even surfaced on the academic horizon, and how we as deeply social creatures can unwind some of the environmental aspects which cause depression. As a depressed person myself the book is so well structured and has brought a level of clarity on the topic I haven’t seen elsewhere. Really helpful for getting into an actionable mindset.
• lsferreira42 5y ago
  I'm in a situation like that right now, well, my wife is, i suffer from a very strong depression that is destroying my life, relationships, jobs and hobby's, to be fair i don't know how she can endure that. My depression keeps me away from doctors, friends, it keep me in the same job position because i can't find forces to learn more things, i am still fighting this war and i hope to get well some time
• the-dude 5y ago
  Somehow I enjoy HN the most as threads such as this develop and lots of people express their struggles, doubts and their vulnerabilities. This is brave, and appreciated. I just want to add this to thread : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency I am surprised it hasn't come up yet.
  • Gene_Parmesan 5y ago
    I put this as a sub-sub-reply in a different chain, but this 100%. I know for me, when our couples therapist talked to me about codependency it felt like a full on attack. "How dare he suggest that I'M the one with a problem?? SHE'S the one that has to change!!" That sort of thing. It was very hard to overcome the defensiveness but remains the best thing I've ever done for my own mental wellbeing. It's important not to hear the word "codependent" as an attack. The book "Codependent No More" was a lifechanger for me. I highly recommend it to anyone struggling in a situation like this.
• throwaway7591 5y ago
  Something I’m curious about is how folks handle depression and its impacts with their employers/bosses. For context I am generally a high performer who is now on my second bout of below standard performance since the pandemic. A few thoughts I have: * I am getting help (again), it didn’t feel like the last therapist I had understood or empathized how this was affecting my work performance so trying elsewhere * I believe the job itself is both a cause and effect. I’m reevaluating what I want out of a job in terms of fulfillment. I also moved from a technical to more people facing role, good during good times but not good during down times. Finally I’ve come to terms with the job itself may not be a good fit for me, but finding a new one is especially exhausting when dealing with depression/anxiety * I’m not choosing to mention any of this to my manager - my below standard appears to be around average or at least acceptable for my position based on feedback/reviews, the biggest consequences are lack of new opportunities and slow erosion of trust over past couple of months It doesn’t seem like there’s a playbook on this so would love to hear others’ thoughts.
  • joshgrib 5y ago
    Can't give any great advice here, but my intuition is that it's going to depend a lot on the company. I have friends that have worked retail jobs where they aren't going to care at all and will probably use it as an excuse to fire you. I work at a company where a coworker was fired and afterwards told some of us that they were dealing with mental health stuff causing it, and I think my company would have been more helpful if they brought it up earlier by perhaps helping to find a therapist through the insurance or changing their roles for a while. For example if the frustrating part of coding is tough to get into, maybe switch to building out documentation so you have something you can see tangible progress on daily/hourly, and would still let them add the same amount of value if not more.
  • InfiniteRand 5y ago
    The big rule on this is that you should not out-and-out lie about your condition, but that doesn't mean you need to explain things. Like I've taken days off and explained to my boss that I have a personal medical condition that needs taking care of. This is usually fine for an occasional absence or down day. For complex situations where your boss may want to know what's going on so that he can plan critical activities, there's not a simple answer.
• teekert 5y ago
  I think it is also very difficult to decide when enough is enough for the partner. Someone close to me went through this, and there comes a point where you have to be honest and ask yourself: "Do I want to live like this for another 5-10 years?", "Do I want my children to learn that this is the normal?". Or, is it time to look ahead, find a partner that adds energy to your and your children's life. Love can be strong but is it worth everything? What are you teaching your children when you stay, what do you offer them when you leave? Is leaving too much selfishness or are you just suffering with 3 instead of 1? I wonder how people with depression think about this? Do they themselves at some point think: "Please, go on without me?" Sure, they do when they want to commit suicide, that is their rationale, but can you also say: Go on, be happy while I work this out on my own? Or is the tunnel too dark? Are you really alone in there? The people I know parted ways but I feel that the depressed partner never forgave the other party, and I do get that feeling (after all, they promised "for better or for worse" in front of their entire family). Meanwhile most people I know are seeing the healthy partner blossom, and their child now having a positive environment again. No more hiding of knives, no more strangers over the floor taking mommy away. No more going to grandma in the middle of the night. Those are extremely difficult questions and they arouse a lot of guilt in partners and I feel that it is often overlooked. When is enough, enough?
  • tcgv 5y ago
    These are indeed though questions. In one hand we care for and have a responsibility for our partner, we wish them well, we try hard to help lift them up, to get them the adequate care they need. On the other hand how could we have known beforehand that this was how the relationship was going to be? How much are we willing to sacrifice for trying to improve things? The more time the couple spends together, the harder it will be to part ways. In the end I believe the answers to these questions will vary a lot depending on each specific situation, there's no "right" answer. Sometimes you will want to stick to it, and you'll be able to overcome these challenges together. Other times you might not be so luck. All in all if you decide to part ways do so peacefully and respectfully to your partner, and if possible check on him/her every once in a while if that's not too harsh for you.
• qnoid 5y ago
  I can attest that how the author felt is how I experienced anxiety and depression. https://qnoid.com/2018/11/23/Anxiety-and-Depression.html#main https://qnoid.com/2018/11/23/Anxiety-and-Depression.html#mai...
• amznbyebyebye 5y ago
  I won’t comment on the depression, but I do see a lot of marital struggles reading through the comments, and that resonates with me too. Marriage can be such a struggle sometimes. Last year I finally said enough is enough. I can’t recommend for everyone, and I’m not a doctor, so please take with a grain of salt. Some practical things that has helped little old me. Date nights once a week. Get a babysitter. For me and my wife we both grew up in very conservative families where it was taboo to get one and to leave the kids and go out for a date (heck even dating was taboo). But we found a nice babysitter and went out. It helped us a lot, just making space to talk and spend time away from the house. Couples psilocybin session. Again I’m not a doctor and there are risks here, so do your homework. But this is really good for coming closer. It helps unearth some of the possibly toxic dynamics that see poisoning the relationship and makes it apparent to both parties. But then you have to do the work of continuously staying conscious and integrating the lessons in your life. *Saying enough is enough and being the partner to initiate the above and do something about it.
• deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
• bbqmaster999 5y ago
  When I read these comments and see so many fellow HNers are in are in relationships with depressed partners it makes me wonder what’s going on. My ex wife was severely depressed for over a decade and so is my new partner of a couple years. I know leaving my ex was the right thing to do but now I’m back in a pretty similar situation. Having a partner who won’t get out of bed til after noon, won’t exercise, and eats only junk will drag you down no matter how hard you personally work on your own health.
  • supernovae 5y ago
    People cope differently. I know i gravitate towards doing more things (and used to buy more things) and i felt like "doing" was better than "not doing" but both were unhealthy sides of the same coin. I used to joke "man, if only there was a few months where i could sit at home and finish all the things i wanted to do" and 2 years into covid being at home i haven't done any of that shit i realized my extreme desire to stay busy and occupied was no different than my partners desire to not feel like do anything - i just "coped" differently. Once we got over that, we could realize what each other were doing and not feel like it was poisoning the relationship. My wife now gives me space and I give her space but we meet in the middle a lot more and things have gotten better. We practice the relaionship bits with intention now and that helps too.
• 2OEH8eoCRo0 5y ago
  My father dated somebody who was manic depressive and his life was a living hell but he wouldn't leave because he worried what might happen to her. I was living at his house after the service while in college and it was as if he himself were bipolar. She would treat him like shit so he would be sad/upset and difficult to be around. He would have a free schedule so we would plan a day and then he would get a call that she "needs" him so he would immediately leave. Then she'd kick him out and in two days "need" him again. Having depression or being bipolar doesn't give you the right to treat other humans like trash.
  • maxbond 5y ago
    Indeed. I dated someone who gaslighted me like this, treated me poorly and then held the specter of suicide over my head to keep me in line. Messed me up, let me tell you. It can be really difficult to see when you've crossed the invisible threshold between supporting someone you love who is in pain and being an enabler who is participating in your own abuse. I don't particularly like to talk about this, but for anyone who needs to hear it: If you find yourself in a situation where you are being hurt by someone you care about, and you can't get them to stop - do whatever it takes to leave, immediately. Destroy your phone if you have to. For me, I couldn't think clearly and make good decisions through the fog that they and I had erected. If they hurt themselves after you leave - that is not on you, it never was. You're in a burning building. Get out with your life. If you have friends and you see concerning behavior - don't stop telling them that it isn't okay. Remind them them that they deserve to be respected. Remind them that their mental health matters, too. ETA: I worry I came off as an ablest here, so I'd like to elaborate a little bit. I don't believe depression makes people behave this way. I believe narcissism is what makes people behave this way. Virtually everyone I know has struggled with depression at some point in there life, and to my knowledge, only 2 of them have behaved this way towards anybody. While one cannot allow themselves to be hurt like this, these people are of course in great pain and deserve empathy and respect. The advice in the article is great. What has helped me manage my own depression is accepting there is no solution, in the sense that nothing will permanently fix it and make it go away forever, and the strategies that work today won't work forever. But there is a lot that can be done. I've seen such amazing results in friends when they found the right therapist, right medication, whatever worked for them. It's incredible and life affirming, but it's also slow and subtle and hard and painful. So slow and subtle they might not notice it themselves. I've found the best way I can help is to be there for them consistently, and, when they're feeling lost, remind them of past conversations we've had and how far they've come. Ultimately you can only help yourself. But sometimes a friend can hold onto a nugget of your own wisdom, and give it back to you later.
• narraturgy 5y ago
  Due to my constant struggle with a worsening depression, 8 months ago my partner of 10 years left me. She couldn't handle it anymore. Everyone gives you advice on how to deal with breakups, and it feels like it's directed at people in 2 or 4 or 6 year relationships. Don't talk to your ex, work on yourself, find things that make you happy, reconnect with your friends... In my case my partner was the last thing keeping me above water. And that was too much of a struggle for her. I don't blame her for leaving. I just wish she didn't have to. But she did have to. I was bad for her. Part of depression, for me, is that you never feel like yourself. Your words and actions don't match with who you want to be. I think it's hard to describe to someone without depression what it means to NEVER feel happy. To see the look on someone's face when they turn to you full of joy and then they realize that you aren't. To live in a pit of constant self hatred and fear because one day you're afraid you're going to snap and kill yourself and hurt the people around you who made the stupid choice to value your presence. To watch yourself crumble away as things get worse inside of you because things outside of you are getting better, and you're terrified of that. I remember times that I would say mean-spirited, hurtful comments about things she liked or did for no reason. I would see the hurt in her eyes and feel ashamed, and I would hate myself more for lashing out at someone who didn't hurt me in the first place. When I wasn't being thoughtlessly mean, I tried to be open and explain the darkness inside me, and it was horrifying to explain that there's a void inside you that nothing--not even your beloved partner--can fill. Eventually, I began avoiding talking at all, because I couldn't trust the words that came out of my mouth to not cause harm, but when I did that, all she felt was me withdrawing even more. How could I tell her I loved her when I kept hurting her? My words felt empty, even to me. I became a husk of myself, and it scarred her beyond repair. The author of this article seems very kind, and maybe the person with depression in their life has a milder form than what I'm dealing with. The point I'm trying to make is that the author doesn't even make it sound half as terrible as it actually was for her. I was terribly emotionally abusive, not in the way that media portrays it where I'm a possessive, malicious actor trying to actively cause harm to my partner to keep them entangled with me, but in the sense that I was just an endless pit of unhappiness and no matter how much joy and love we tried to pour into me, it was never enough. Towards the end of things I began sabotaging our relationship, consciously or unconsciously I don't know, because I wanted her to be free of me. She ended up living with the torment that I live in because my emptiness can expand seemingly endlessly, and she deserved better. Maybe this post is more of a personal confession than actual advice, but if I had to think of advice, I would say seriously consider the psilocybin therapy option. I went on a few solo trips since my relationship ended and it has made significant headway into my headspace--at least enough headway to be able to recognize and understand the things I have talked about in this post (I wasn't nearly so clearheaded at the time and could never have explained any of these thoughts to her then!), And they have stopped the suicidal urges. I wish I had done it sooner, maybe I would have been able to save my budding family from falling apart. I had been scared of "drugs" prior to then due to my upbringing, but they aren't anything like how the media depicts them. If you're depressed and in a relationship: do anything you can to get help now, before you get worse. Don't make my mistake and think that traditional efforts will work "eventually." Eventually isn't good enough when you're hurting the people around you.
• soueuls 5y ago
  These articles have the tendency to just switch one narrative for another. We have one team who say "Depression does not really exist, it's a combination of laziness, time will simply heal, you need to summon some efforts and get over it. And then we have another team of : "You need to listen, be empathetic, depression is real, it can be devastating, don't try to solve problems, just be patient and listen." All in all, I am not learning anything. And neither address real questions. - Should you just listen when your partner want to end his/her life - What if you had enough? What if there are kids in the equation? - How other societies are coping up with it. Asian countries are addressing it very differently for example.
  • supernovae 5y ago
    Depression does exist, there is no question here. We should be empathatic to everyone, not conditional of having or not having depression. The lack of general empathy humans have towards one another is a leading cause of depression - such as people being anti-women, anti-gay, anti-trans, racist, classist or politically biased in such a way that they seek out the thrill of having their "happiness" be at the cost of others. If you're not learning anything, it sounds like you're just refusing to learn. Learning doesn't mean having all the answers, learning means trying working towards the best outcomes and adapting as necessary based out outputs. With humans/emotions - it's not going to be learning that is absolute or even based on region/culture/ethnicity but those can certainly play broad roles.
    • fleddr 5y ago
      "The lack of general empathy humans have towards one another is a leading cause of depression - such as people being anti-women, anti-gay, anti-trans, racist, classist or politically biased in such a way that they seek out the thrill of having their "happiness" be at the cost of others." You're just making things up and politicizing a well studied subject. The leading causes of depression are brain chemistry, family history, physical health issues, substance abuse and personality. Followed by less tangible causes like job loss, divorce, grieving, etc. Then there's hormonal changes as experienced by women that gave birth and finally, loneliness. Nothing about what you said is a leading cause at all. For sure those issues do not help, but they are in no way a leading cause.
• AtlasBarfed 5y ago
  Speaking as a parent with a job and a small kid who has to do childcare, job, housework, cooking, everything while my partner lies in bed playing video games on their phone.... it is phenomenally frustrating. What really sucks about depression is that it is functionally a very selfish disease from the perspective of the people providing support. The person won't do the bare minimum of their responsibilities, and will only exert effort, creativity, desire, and motivation to ... defend their depression and depressive activities. My health suffers, my fitness suffers, my stress suffers, my job suffers, my kid suffers. It's one of those mental "possessions/invasions" like addiction where communicating with a person about their specific problem becomes a strange otherworldly conversation with an isolated part of the brain specifically dedicated to perpetuating and defending that self-destructive cycle of behavior. It's basically like a disassociated alternate personality. Part of the tendency of human mental conditions to try to inflict themselves upon other people is that I think profoundly deep trauma makes someone lonely, and only the expression of disorders or inflicting the same wound on others alleviates that lonliness in a perverse cycle, which inflicts the same trauma on others. And thus there are classes of mental illness that I do think can be viewed as "infectious".