3 ms·

I came to realize at the age of 30 that I am actually an extrovert Being a Computer Science grad / software engineer and on the quieter side, I always labeled

I came to realize at the age of 30 that I am actually an extrovert Being a Computer Science grad / software engineer and on the quieter side, I always labeled myself as an introvert. But I more recently identified that I get a lot of energy from talking to the right people, even if I’m not loud and gregarious like your textbook extrovert. The main thing is I only get energy from talking to interesting people about interesting things, and I now see that as a positive, instead of hating myself for not meeting some unrealistic standard of being able to engage with boring people over small talk or trivial matters

siva7 5y ago
Thanks for pointing this out. I made the same realization at that age and have since then shifted my career more toward people instead of code.
throwaway4aday 5y ago
Is this the secret reality of extroversion/introversion? I'll have to think about this for a bit but looking back at the encounters I've had with extroverts, they're mostly just good at smalltalk, jokes and BS. They can sometimes be fun but can also be extremely tiring to be around if you're not in the mood for that type of engagement. On the other hand, I know a lot of introverts who are extremely talkative when discussing their area of interest or any other deep conversation. I'll have to be mindful about noticing if I actually do get tired of social interaction the same way with "introverts" and "extroverts". Thank you for this new perspective.
- HeyLaughingBoy 5y ago
  Are you sure those people were extroverts? I am most definitely not an extrovert, but I'm fine with "smalltalk, jokes and general BS" when I have to be. i.e., if I'm trying to be sociable, or to meet someone, or just not be a party pooper. It's not my normal state, it's just me trying to not be an asshole.
chousuke 5y ago
I suspect I'm similar; I think I actually like engaging with people whenever I get the chance to do so; I just have no idea how to get my anxiety out of the way so the opportunities are very rare.
jawns 5y ago
The definition of extraversion and introversion that has felt most accurate to me is that extraverts feel energized by social connection, while introverts feel energized by alone time. It does not necessarily correspond to how gregarious or outgoing you are or are perceived to be. I have never been or desired to be the life of the party. But I like being at the party, and I get bored and lonely quickly when I'm by myself. In contrast, I had a boss who truly was the gregarious, social butterfly type -- but it drained her, and she would need to withdraw and have extended alone time to feel rejuvenated. In the end, few of us are 100% either way. We all need periods of social time and alone time. But understanding these labels in terms of what energizes you has been very helpful to me.
amelius 5y ago
I think being extrovert is really being able to basically have all your internal communications happening on the outside. I.e., people who can (and will) think out loud all the time, no matter what. From that pov, I think most of us are not introvert or extrovert but in between, e.g. "normal".
prirun 5y ago
> The main thing is I only get energy from talking to interesting people about interesting things I can relate to this, but to me it's different than true extroversion. My mom was an extrovert. I took her to the grocery store once, waited for her at the front while she tooled around in a cart (she was elderly but wanted to shop by herself). She had to pick up maybe 5 things. After about 20 minutes, I called her and she didn't answer. After 10 more minutes I called, she answered, and said she was talking to a "friend" about her husband who had recently died. I said, "Who is this?", and she said "You don't know her, we just met." I actually got kinda mad that I had been waiting all this time, she hadn't finished her shopping, and had been (and still was!) talking to some stranger so long. Once we were in standing in line at the checkout, again at the grocery but when she was younger and getting around okay, and people would just start spontaneously talking to her, or she to them. Next thing you know they'd be telling her about their husband that cheated on them, they didn't get along with their kids, or who knows what! In the grocery store, no one talks to me - ever. I don't care, but it just doesn't happen. My mom told me once it's because I don't look at people. My sister asked why everyone talked to Mom and my mom said, "the secret is, don't ever talk about yourself. If someone tells you something, just act interested, say 'Really?', or ask them a question, but then wait for them to start talking again." My sister has tried it and said it's amazing how well it works. A big difference between me and my mom is that she was actually interested in the lives of complete strangers. She liked people on a level way above me. And not just for small talk: she talked with them about their lives, their problems, their goals, their careers - you name it. She was energized by talking to all kinds of people. To her, all people were interesting and energized her. A true extrovert.

siva7 5y ago

Thanks for pointing this out. I made the same realization at that age and have since then shifted my career more toward people instead of code.

throwaway4aday 5y ago

Is this the secret reality of extroversion/introversion? I'll have to think about this for a bit but looking back at the encounters I've had with extroverts, they're mostly just good at smalltalk, jokes and BS. They can sometimes be fun but can also be extremely tiring to be around if you're not in the mood for that type of engagement. On the other hand, I know a lot of introverts who are extremely talkative when discussing their area of interest or any other deep conversation. I'll have to be mindful about noticing if I actually do get tired of social interaction the same way with "introverts" and "extroverts". Thank you for this new perspective.

HeyLaughingBoy 5y ago
Are you sure those people were extroverts? I am most definitely not an extrovert, but I'm fine with "smalltalk, jokes and general BS" when I have to be. i.e., if I'm trying to be sociable, or to meet someone, or just not be a party pooper. It's not my normal state, it's just me trying to not be an asshole.

chousuke 5y ago

I suspect I'm similar; I think I actually like engaging with people whenever I get the chance to do so; I just have no idea how to get my anxiety out of the way so the opportunities are very rare.

jawns 5y ago

The definition of extraversion and introversion that has felt most accurate to me is that extraverts feel energized by social connection, while introverts feel energized by alone time. It does not necessarily correspond to how gregarious or outgoing you are or are perceived to be. I have never been or desired to be the life of the party. But I like being at the party, and I get bored and lonely quickly when I'm by myself. In contrast, I had a boss who truly was the gregarious, social butterfly type -- but it drained her, and she would need to withdraw and have extended alone time to feel rejuvenated. In the end, few of us are 100% either way. We all need periods of social time and alone time. But understanding these labels in terms of what energizes you has been very helpful to me.

amelius 5y ago

I think being extrovert is really being able to basically have all your internal communications happening on the outside. I.e., people who can (and will) think out loud all the time, no matter what. From that pov, I think most of us are not introvert or extrovert but in between, e.g. "normal".

prirun 5y ago

> The main thing is I only get energy from talking to interesting people about interesting things I can relate to this, but to me it's different than true extroversion. My mom was an extrovert. I took her to the grocery store once, waited for her at the front while she tooled around in a cart (she was elderly but wanted to shop by herself). She had to pick up maybe 5 things. After about 20 minutes, I called her and she didn't answer. After 10 more minutes I called, she answered, and said she was talking to a "friend" about her husband who had recently died. I said, "Who is this?", and she said "You don't know her, we just met." I actually got kinda mad that I had been waiting all this time, she hadn't finished her shopping, and had been (and still was!) talking to some stranger so long. Once we were in standing in line at the checkout, again at the grocery but when she was younger and getting around okay, and people would just start spontaneously talking to her, or she to them. Next thing you know they'd be telling her about their husband that cheated on them, they didn't get along with their kids, or who knows what! In the grocery store, no one talks to me - ever. I don't care, but it just doesn't happen. My mom told me once it's because I don't look at people. My sister asked why everyone talked to Mom and my mom said, "the secret is, don't ever talk about yourself. If someone tells you something, just act interested, say 'Really?', or ask them a question, but then wait for them to start talking again." My sister has tried it and said it's amazing how well it works. A big difference between me and my mom is that she was actually interested in the lives of complete strangers. She liked people on a level way above me. And not just for small talk: she talked with them about their lives, their problems, their goals, their careers - you name it. She was energized by talking to all kinds of people. To her, all people were interesting and energized her. A true extrovert.