3 ms·

It is up to the individual to realize that social relationships are something that need tending to and that it is an investment and not a waste of our resources

It is up to the individual to realize that social relationships are something that need tending to and that it is an investment and not a waste of our resources. It is also important to realize that social proxies like social media do not really replace real human interaction and connection even though at times it can feel like they do. In the past we lived in a community, we grew up in one place, we got a job in that place, we had friends or at least people who knew us all around us, due to the nature of the industrial modern world, we frequently move for opportunities, have ample choice in who to associate with and all that causes a need to put more effort into relationships, not less, yet for some reason most of us still have the mindset of relationships will continue naturally even without tending to. What to do about is go out and put effort to have more physical relationships, go out with friends and play a sport, drink beer, watch a movie, be open if your friends initiate and invite you somewhere, do the same once in a while. Take an interest in their lives and also be willing to share a bit about yours. I move around frequently but i always made good friends at work, i always invite people to go out for drinks and a good number respond, we always bond over drinks and this then turns into a friendship. You won't believe the amount of people I've met who feel lonely but don't initiate, don't come to events that are initiated on their behalf for whatever reason because the event is on a Tuesday and thats the day they have their weekly call of duty round, basically people who don't want to make any adjustments to their life to get out there and hopefully make a connection.

PaulHoule 5y ago
You're right but I see trouble operationalizing it. (1) I reached out to a guy who was interested in sci-fi movies and TV to watch at my house, he didn't do it, I ended up talking to him in between a suicide attempt and a suicide completion and didn't have the courage to speak up but I don't know if it would have gotten through. (2) The centering around alcohol is a problem. My doc doesn't want me drinking. Other people are recovered from alcohol addiction and can't be around other people who are drinking. (3) It is easy to say maintain but a lot of people have nothing to maintain and really need a fast answer to build up a circle of friends. (4) Intergenerational issues. People 10 years older than me just seem to want to drive buicks and go to the casino. I think I can relate to younger people better but maybe I am kidding myself. (5) The role of women in all this. Sometimes I find myself trying to avoid "sausage party" events but maybe that's a mistake. Hate to be the guy with objections.
- lystlaunt 5y ago
  I would operationalize it by simplifying it to habits: -Avoid declining invitations to go out, unless it's really necessary -Try to find other people who don't like drinking. Most of my work colleagues don't drink, and a couple old high school friends who I see occasionally also don't drink. Day activities, like lunch, are pretty good. -Martial arts is a good way to meet other guys. Volunteering, especially if you're in a unique role that interacts with lots of other people (e.g. help desk), is helpful. -Don't worry about age so much after a certain age. Lots of people like to hang out with others who are fun to hang out with, with age being not as relevant. -Try for a mix of both. In college, most of my organizational activities had majority women by a significant (writing, etc.; though I never dated anyone there), but I actually missed out with guys-only events. I didn't realize it until I met up with some old high school friends, and felt free to talk about relationships with them. I'm also sorry to hear about your friend. It was really kind of you to reach out to him; a lot of people don't when they see people are struggling. You were there and available for him, which is rare and can help so much.
- tsol 5y ago
  >(5) The role of women in all this. Sometimes I find myself trying to avoid "sausage party" events but maybe that's a mistake. (EDIT: I should mention I'm somewhat exaggerating the differences to highlight them in this post) As someone who's exposed to different cultures fairly regularly(im Indian American, and a Muslim) I feel this one is a odd American cultural quirk. Among many of my friends of a similar cultural background(Muslims, or just Indians) to me I see a large value placed on "chilling with your bros". It's generally a very open space, where even the quiet awkward member of the group has no reason to be judged. And it happens pretty often-- the reason for doing it is because that's what people do. But I find with my Caucasian American friends there usually has to be a _reason_ for men to hang out. I don't know if it's a culture just pushes the pursuit of women a little too hard, or fear of something. Even with the extroverts, you have to go to a bar, or a show or something. With my other friends we'll go out and eat, or even just sit on someone's couch and make jokes if there's nothing else to. There isn't as much friction. Keeping friends is easy. I don't mean any of this in a "superior" way-- in fact I feel like with every generation my culture grows more like the larger American culture-- a little more awkward and formal. So I'm not saying we have all the answers, these are just observations I've made. To me it feels like Americans used to really value "man time"-- going out and BBQing or going camping just to spend time with other men-- isn't really valued anymore. Sometimes it's even looked down upon as excessively masculine and unnecessary, or even gay(I've felt this when i told a friend who moved away that I missed him and made a joke about me being gay-- not saying it's universal). I'd say articles like this reimforce the value of men hanging out with men just to have someone who gets you

PaulHoule 5y ago

You're right but I see trouble operationalizing it. (1) I reached out to a guy who was interested in sci-fi movies and TV to watch at my house, he didn't do it, I ended up talking to him in between a suicide attempt and a suicide completion and didn't have the courage to speak up but I don't know if it would have gotten through. (2) The centering around alcohol is a problem. My doc doesn't want me drinking. Other people are recovered from alcohol addiction and can't be around other people who are drinking. (3) It is easy to say maintain but a lot of people have nothing to maintain and really need a fast answer to build up a circle of friends. (4) Intergenerational issues. People 10 years older than me just seem to want to drive buicks and go to the casino. I think I can relate to younger people better but maybe I am kidding myself. (5) The role of women in all this. Sometimes I find myself trying to avoid "sausage party" events but maybe that's a mistake. Hate to be the guy with objections.

lystlaunt 5y ago
I would operationalize it by simplifying it to habits: -Avoid declining invitations to go out, unless it's really necessary -Try to find other people who don't like drinking. Most of my work colleagues don't drink, and a couple old high school friends who I see occasionally also don't drink. Day activities, like lunch, are pretty good. -Martial arts is a good way to meet other guys. Volunteering, especially if you're in a unique role that interacts with lots of other people (e.g. help desk), is helpful. -Don't worry about age so much after a certain age. Lots of people like to hang out with others who are fun to hang out with, with age being not as relevant. -Try for a mix of both. In college, most of my organizational activities had majority women by a significant (writing, etc.; though I never dated anyone there), but I actually missed out with guys-only events. I didn't realize it until I met up with some old high school friends, and felt free to talk about relationships with them. I'm also sorry to hear about your friend. It was really kind of you to reach out to him; a lot of people don't when they see people are struggling. You were there and available for him, which is rare and can help so much.
tsol 5y ago
>(5) The role of women in all this. Sometimes I find myself trying to avoid "sausage party" events but maybe that's a mistake. (EDIT: I should mention I'm somewhat exaggerating the differences to highlight them in this post) As someone who's exposed to different cultures fairly regularly(im Indian American, and a Muslim) I feel this one is a odd American cultural quirk. Among many of my friends of a similar cultural background(Muslims, or just Indians) to me I see a large value placed on "chilling with your bros". It's generally a very open space, where even the quiet awkward member of the group has no reason to be judged. And it happens pretty often-- the reason for doing it is because that's what people do. But I find with my Caucasian American friends there usually has to be a _reason_ for men to hang out. I don't know if it's a culture just pushes the pursuit of women a little too hard, or fear of something. Even with the extroverts, you have to go to a bar, or a show or something. With my other friends we'll go out and eat, or even just sit on someone's couch and make jokes if there's nothing else to. There isn't as much friction. Keeping friends is easy. I don't mean any of this in a "superior" way-- in fact I feel like with every generation my culture grows more like the larger American culture-- a little more awkward and formal. So I'm not saying we have all the answers, these are just observations I've made. To me it feels like Americans used to really value "man time"-- going out and BBQing or going camping just to spend time with other men-- isn't really valued anymore. Sometimes it's even looked down upon as excessively masculine and unnecessary, or even gay(I've felt this when i told a friend who moved away that I missed him and made a joke about me being gay-- not saying it's universal). I'd say articles like this reimforce the value of men hanging out with men just to have someone who gets you