5 ms·

I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder, and aspergers. I was making $130,000 a year as a network engineer at Cisco in 1999 before I became too sick to work any

by podgaj 5y ago

I have schizoaffective bipolar disorder, and aspergers. I was making $130,000 a year as a network engineer at Cisco in 1999 before I became too sick to work anymore. Right now I am homeless living in my van with a transmission about to go. I have attempted suicide three times already. I keep thinking about doing it again. No one wants to provide me the best medicine, stable housing. I make $1700 on disability but I can never save enough for a deposit. So what is the point. The fact that I cannot get housing just proves no one cares. And through all this I keep up my research on my familial disease, pressuring doctors to at least do some tests. I am pretty sure, looking at my genetics, I actually have a mitochondrial disorder. This is an easy test, but they will never do it. They just keep focusing on the same old pathways and that is why there is no progress. The medications? They do nothing but make me worse. They usually give me drug induced lupus or just make me more suicidal the next day. The only one I can rely on is Klonopin, it works great but I do not take it everyday adn I only take a very low dose, the lowest that works. And every time I get a new doctor I face the stigma of being a drug seeker. Luckily, that is not so much of a problem anymore. Now iwth COVID, everyone thinks they haev a mood disoder but in reality it is just situational, but they take up all the appointments so now mine are getting pushed further apart. My nephew hung himself at 14 years old after a doctor thought he had ADHD and gave him ritalin. It was a misdiagnosis. If you do not have a serious mental illness you have no idea how bad the treatments are and how they ignore any other issues you have in your body. We are the garbage people in this age but we probably used to be the shaman. So all I can do now is drink a bit to escape, its a great drugs, an awesome calcium channel blocker. Oh well, that's enough of that. Just wanted to share.

windock 5y ago
I’m sorry to hear it is so bad. Thank you for sharing
winrid 5y ago
Chevy van? Damn 4L60 transmissions suck. Sometimes it's just a solenoid, and sometimes shifting it manually might get some more life out of it. I hope you can get help. I have a few family members with schizophrenia / bipolar disorder and the way society treats them is like shit.
- podgaj 5y ago
  It is actually a 2001 Dodge Grand Caravan Sport with 175K miles on it. Trying to figure out the trigger but it's like when I come down from a gear doing around 45-55 the van jolts short and there is a loud cluck and then it slips into neutral and then catches back in gear. And yes, like shit is the right way to put the treatment. But I understand, it is so hard for people to not see my disorder as something I willfully express on the world. I know a better understanding is around the corner, but I am afraid treatments will take longer to appear. It is a slow process. And thanks.
BurningFrog 5y ago
> The fact that I cannot get housing just proves no one cares. All it proves is that there is a big housing shortage. Have you tried taking your van somewhere where housing is dirt cheap? I hear small poor towns are better at taking care of the downtrodden too. Walk into the church poor people go to, and see what happens.
- podgaj 5y ago
  Housing shortage? Probably, but why? In a town I lived in for a bit 50% of the houses were second houses, i would drive around and see them all dark, sitting there empty. Her where I am now, the housing has been moved over to AirBNB. It is all greed. And go to a poor town? And not have healthcare, be away from my friends and support? But yes, I have tried it. They ask me what I do and when I say I am on disability they deny me the rental. And many of these towns will not let you live in your van while you are looking. It is inequality, not a shortage. I am telling you, you have no idea what it is like.
  - bettysdiagnose 5y ago
    You're right, he doesn't. The idea that somehow it is sensible, when you're seriously ill, to just abandon your entire support network for financial reasons makes next to no sense whatsoever. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you all the best.
    - eggsmediumrare 5y ago
      Any pronouncement beginning with "they should just..." is almost always born of ignorance.
      - BingoAhoy 5y ago
        Yes. From personal experience I've found people who readily offer "you should" fail to adequately investigate and listen to comphrehend important contextual factors and differing values. These might determine what is situationally positive or negative. Advice that I've usually found more valuable was formatted as "here's an option and here are the possible pros and cons". These people also did more listening than 'should-ing'. They also didn't have the audacity to tell you what is best, which is implied by 'should', because they weren't in your shoes and neither completely informed of the context so how would they know what's best?
laurent92 5y ago
I hope my question won’t wake up anything, and please accept my apologies if they do. - What hopes did you have when you were younger? - What did it look like when you started failing? - Do you think a different turn of events would have avoided that? I feel like I was on the high path up to 25 years old, I’m earning now, but I’m getting inexorably rid of my friends, one after another. I’d like to know where I’m at…
wpietri 5y ago
Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry that you've been so poorly treated. You deserve better. Very many people do. I recently read Van Der Kolk's "The Body Keeps The Score", a book about trauma and its effects. It's a masterwork, and I'll be thinking about it for the next year. But one of the big themes for me is the extent to which he, a well-placed psychiatrist with a strong mix of clinical and research work, had trouble getting the medical establishment to go beyond outdated categories and marginally effective treatments. It's heartbreaking to think of all the patients so poorly supported by the existing system. It made me realize that as far as mental health goes, we're living in an age that people will later look at with horror. It makes me think of Semmelweis [1], who had the then-radical idea that surgeons should wash their hands before cutting people open. Many in the establishment mocked him. How dare he call them dirty! He ended up being committed to an asylum where he was beaten; he died 2 weeks later from a gangrenous wound. Eventually people realized he was right, but too late for him. And for who knows how many deaths. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignaz_Semmelweis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignaz_Semmelweis
gowld 5y ago
> I actually have a mitochondrial disorder. If you do, what treatment options does that offer? Can you pursue that treatment without an official diagnosis? https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15612-mitochondrial-diseases#diagnosis-and-tests https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15612-mitocho... mentions no prescription-restricted treatments, just vitamins, diet, exercise, and rest. It mentions therapy, but general skills therapy, nothing specific to mitochondrial disease.
sandgiant 5y ago
Thanks for sharing. Getting the right treatment is such a gamble. I wish we were better at talking about mental illness openly instead of stigmatizing it. Perhaps then we would realize the need for better treatments and funding. I have a close relative that's been all the way down the hole with life-threatening mental illness, but recovered due to doctors finding the right cocktail of medication and safe environment. Getting to know this person I'm humbled by how ignorant I've always been on issues of mental health. I shudder when I read comment sections like this one, or talk to friends and family, as I'm reminded how pervasive this ignorance still is in the general public, and even in professional healthcare. I have the deepest respect for people like you, that are hanging on in spite of the terrible circumstances you've been given. I hope you find some shivers of light in between all the darkness.
SapporoChris 5y ago
A difficult situation. I am impressed by your success at Cisco. If you had that capability, you still have that capability.You have significant hurdles to overcome, but you do have the opportunity to make it. I won't offer you platitudes, but I encourage you to keep trying.
jacquesm 5y ago
Can I spot you a transmission rebuild? If so please drop me an email (mail in profile).
- t0mbstone 5y ago
  Hero in the comments!
  - podgaj 5y ago
    Yes, 1,000,000%. You have no idea.
- podgaj 5y ago
  I do not know what to say. I can't even....emailing.
  - jacquesm 5y ago
    ok! replied
anon_nd 5y ago
New anon account for obvs reasons... > My nephew hung himself at 14 years old after a doctor thought he had ADHD and gave him ritalin. It was a misdiagnosis. I have ADHD and the first to get diagnosed in my family, and now that I'm dealing reasonably well with that, strongly suspect other ASD-related traits: obsessionality, sensory issues, social problems, but these lightly enough that I've been able to make it through life just being a bit "weird" and that's okay because I'm a successful software developer. (Crazy rich guys are just "eccentric", right?) My father definitely does have many of these too, and if you look back at the family history it's everywhere... from cousins with autism who can't live independently, to back generations with erratic behaviour for which this sort of neural difference is the best explanation. Now speaking to the quote... my 13 year old has terrible levels of anxiety and depression, and has an ADHD diagnosis. We very briefly tried a stimulant and just as quickly took him off it, whereas they have worked well for me (now, I was also suicidal as a teen.) Why? He struggles with focus and concentration, which the stimulants should help with, as they do for me. My best guess is that he has a deeper problem in finding life meaningless, a lot of "no point to anything" and "I don't want to live anymore". When he took the stimulants, he was able to focus... but on those thoughts since he had little else he was thinking about and that made the depression and anxiety so much worse. So I can absolutely see how Ritalin could result in suicide. :( The difference for me was that I knew what I loved, and I knew what I wanted to do with my life, yet I was constantly beset with intrusive thoughts that were telling me I should be doing something "better" with my time. And a fundamentalist religious upbringing had me thinking that was my conscience or God and therefore I should be paying attention to it. But then that almost shrank to nothing as soon as I started the amphetamines. So I view this as a similar situation to giving antidepressants to sufferers of bipolar and mania; you end up exacerbating the problem.
- nicoburns 5y ago
  How is your 13 year old with the social stuff? As someone who seems to be similar to your son (although I'm much older - and a software developer like you), I would comment that it is having strong social connections that brings purpose to my life, and the degree to which I've been integrated in a social community has correlated strongly with times of my life where I've been happy versus times in my life where I've felt like everything is meaningless.
howinteresting 5y ago
I'm so, so sorry life has treated you that way.

by podgaj 5y ago

windock 5y ago

I’m sorry to hear it is so bad. Thank you for sharing

winrid 5y ago

Chevy van? Damn 4L60 transmissions suck. Sometimes it's just a solenoid, and sometimes shifting it manually might get some more life out of it. I hope you can get help. I have a few family members with schizophrenia / bipolar disorder and the way society treats them is like shit.

podgaj 5y ago
It is actually a 2001 Dodge Grand Caravan Sport with 175K miles on it. Trying to figure out the trigger but it's like when I come down from a gear doing around 45-55 the van jolts short and there is a loud cluck and then it slips into neutral and then catches back in gear. And yes, like shit is the right way to put the treatment. But I understand, it is so hard for people to not see my disorder as something I willfully express on the world. I know a better understanding is around the corner, but I am afraid treatments will take longer to appear. It is a slow process. And thanks.

BurningFrog 5y ago

> The fact that I cannot get housing just proves no one cares. All it proves is that there is a big housing shortage. Have you tried taking your van somewhere where housing is dirt cheap? I hear small poor towns are better at taking care of the downtrodden too. Walk into the church poor people go to, and see what happens.

podgaj 5y ago
Housing shortage? Probably, but why? In a town I lived in for a bit 50% of the houses were second houses, i would drive around and see them all dark, sitting there empty. Her where I am now, the housing has been moved over to AirBNB. It is all greed. And go to a poor town? And not have healthcare, be away from my friends and support? But yes, I have tried it. They ask me what I do and when I say I am on disability they deny me the rental. And many of these towns will not let you live in your van while you are looking. It is inequality, not a shortage. I am telling you, you have no idea what it is like.
- bettysdiagnose 5y ago
  You're right, he doesn't. The idea that somehow it is sensible, when you're seriously ill, to just abandon your entire support network for financial reasons makes next to no sense whatsoever. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you all the best.
  - eggsmediumrare 5y ago
    Any pronouncement beginning with "they should just..." is almost always born of ignorance.
    - BingoAhoy 5y ago
      Yes. From personal experience I've found people who readily offer "you should" fail to adequately investigate and listen to comphrehend important contextual factors and differing values. These might determine what is situationally positive or negative. Advice that I've usually found more valuable was formatted as "here's an option and here are the possible pros and cons". These people also did more listening than 'should-ing'. They also didn't have the audacity to tell you what is best, which is implied by 'should', because they weren't in your shoes and neither completely informed of the context so how would they know what's best?

laurent92 5y ago

I hope my question won’t wake up anything, and please accept my apologies if they do. - What hopes did you have when you were younger? - What did it look like when you started failing? - Do you think a different turn of events would have avoided that? I feel like I was on the high path up to 25 years old, I’m earning now, but I’m getting inexorably rid of my friends, one after another. I’d like to know where I’m at…

wpietri 5y ago

Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry that you've been so poorly treated. You deserve better. Very many people do. I recently read Van Der Kolk's "The Body Keeps The Score", a book about trauma and its effects. It's a masterwork, and I'll be thinking about it for the next year. But one of the big themes for me is the extent to which he, a well-placed psychiatrist with a strong mix of clinical and research work, had trouble getting the medical establishment to go beyond outdated categories and marginally effective treatments. It's heartbreaking to think of all the patients so poorly supported by the existing system. It made me realize that as far as mental health goes, we're living in an age that people will later look at with horror. It makes me think of Semmelweis [1], who had the then-radical idea that surgeons should wash their hands before cutting people open. Many in the establishment mocked him. How dare he call them dirty! He ended up being committed to an asylum where he was beaten; he died 2 weeks later from a gangrenous wound. Eventually people realized he was right, but too late for him. And for who knows how many deaths. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignaz_Semmelweis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignaz_Semmelweis

gowld 5y ago

> I actually have a mitochondrial disorder. If you do, what treatment options does that offer? Can you pursue that treatment without an official diagnosis? https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15612-mitochondrial-diseases#diagnosis-and-tests https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15612-mitocho... mentions no prescription-restricted treatments, just vitamins, diet, exercise, and rest. It mentions therapy, but general skills therapy, nothing specific to mitochondrial disease.

sandgiant 5y ago

Thanks for sharing. Getting the right treatment is such a gamble. I wish we were better at talking about mental illness openly instead of stigmatizing it. Perhaps then we would realize the need for better treatments and funding. I have a close relative that's been all the way down the hole with life-threatening mental illness, but recovered due to doctors finding the right cocktail of medication and safe environment. Getting to know this person I'm humbled by how ignorant I've always been on issues of mental health. I shudder when I read comment sections like this one, or talk to friends and family, as I'm reminded how pervasive this ignorance still is in the general public, and even in professional healthcare. I have the deepest respect for people like you, that are hanging on in spite of the terrible circumstances you've been given. I hope you find some shivers of light in between all the darkness.

SapporoChris 5y ago

A difficult situation. I am impressed by your success at Cisco. If you had that capability, you still have that capability.You have significant hurdles to overcome, but you do have the opportunity to make it. I won't offer you platitudes, but I encourage you to keep trying.

jacquesm 5y ago

Can I spot you a transmission rebuild? If so please drop me an email (mail in profile).

t0mbstone 5y ago
Hero in the comments!
- podgaj 5y ago
  Yes, 1,000,000%. You have no idea.
podgaj 5y ago
I do not know what to say. I can't even....emailing.
- jacquesm 5y ago
  ok! replied

anon_nd 5y ago

New anon account for obvs reasons... > My nephew hung himself at 14 years old after a doctor thought he had ADHD and gave him ritalin. It was a misdiagnosis. I have ADHD and the first to get diagnosed in my family, and now that I'm dealing reasonably well with that, strongly suspect other ASD-related traits: obsessionality, sensory issues, social problems, but these lightly enough that I've been able to make it through life just being a bit "weird" and that's okay because I'm a successful software developer. (Crazy rich guys are just "eccentric", right?) My father definitely does have many of these too, and if you look back at the family history it's everywhere... from cousins with autism who can't live independently, to back generations with erratic behaviour for which this sort of neural difference is the best explanation. Now speaking to the quote... my 13 year old has terrible levels of anxiety and depression, and has an ADHD diagnosis. We very briefly tried a stimulant and just as quickly took him off it, whereas they have worked well for me (now, I was also suicidal as a teen.) Why? He struggles with focus and concentration, which the stimulants should help with, as they do for me. My best guess is that he has a deeper problem in finding life meaningless, a lot of "no point to anything" and "I don't want to live anymore". When he took the stimulants, he was able to focus... but on those thoughts since he had little else he was thinking about and that made the depression and anxiety so much worse. So I can absolutely see how Ritalin could result in suicide. :( The difference for me was that I knew what I loved, and I knew what I wanted to do with my life, yet I was constantly beset with intrusive thoughts that were telling me I should be doing something "better" with my time. And a fundamentalist religious upbringing had me thinking that was my conscience or God and therefore I should be paying attention to it. But then that almost shrank to nothing as soon as I started the amphetamines. So I view this as a similar situation to giving antidepressants to sufferers of bipolar and mania; you end up exacerbating the problem.

nicoburns 5y ago
How is your 13 year old with the social stuff? As someone who seems to be similar to your son (although I'm much older - and a software developer like you), I would comment that it is having strong social connections that brings purpose to my life, and the degree to which I've been integrated in a social community has correlated strongly with times of my life where I've been happy versus times in my life where I've felt like everything is meaningless.

howinteresting 5y ago

I'm so, so sorry life has treated you that way.