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> Wife abusive from the beginning People who get into these relationships always paint themselves as victims when everyone around them knew it was a disaster f

> Wife abusive from the beginning People who get into these relationships always paint themselves as victims when everyone around them knew it was a disaster from the beginning. I just don't understand how they get there unless they willingly ignore signs of bad behavior or they think they can fix or change people. That or they're just stupid. I have a coworker in a bad relationship that seems to be headed towards marriage. He even jokes about how he cant stand her manipulation, control and social gatekeeping yet he's still with her. I don't get it. He is good looking, educated, and living independent with a career. He can easily find someone better. But no. He has to stand in the back of the venue with her pouting about how much his favorite band sucks while they play because he invited a single girl friend along for me to meet. You reap what you sew.

_albk 5y ago
Hindsight. I couldn’t see it until the relationship was severed. I’m not stupid, but I tried to save it up until the final day while those around us were taking bets on when it would end. 19 years of life are… poof. I missed out on doing things I think I would have liked to because of “love”. And I still care/worry for her.
55555 5y ago
He's in love, man. It makes you insane.
deleted 5y ago
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mensetmanusman 5y ago
It might be, but not always. Family member’s wife started experiencing gradually pronounced schizophrenia over a few years and she became abusive to her husband until it ended with a short stay in a mental institute and then medication. She still wonders who she was at that time… Some people suffer diabetes as they age, and more than you would guess start experiencing mental breakdown that can manifest as abuse to a partner.
- MisterTea 5y ago
  Those situations are certainly understandable and forgivable. But there are terrible people out there who for one reason or another desire to control and manipulate their partner. They may be sick but it does not excuse or justify continuous abusive behavior.
throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago
> ... as victims when everyone around them knew it was a disaster from the beginning. I just don't understand how they get there unless they willingly ignore signs of bad behavior It may also be the other way around where they saw the disaster from the beginning whereas the others around failed to but kept on applying peer pressure, where the system fails to provide a functional exit path, or when the welfare of the children points in another direction during the transition phase. Also, things can become worse gradually whereas the decision to walk out is discrete which makes the decision hard. At what point in time does one find themselves justified to flip. I see several other areas where the same conundrum applies. I have already written more in other comments. > You reap what you sew Never hold this against yourself or others without knowing the specifics and considering the entire picture. I tell this to everyone. People are genuinely victims at times for no fault of theirs. Of course, the other side is more common where people incorrectly keep blaming others.

_albk 5y ago

Hindsight. I couldn’t see it until the relationship was severed. I’m not stupid, but I tried to save it up until the final day while those around us were taking bets on when it would end. 19 years of life are… poof. I missed out on doing things I think I would have liked to because of “love”. And I still care/worry for her.

55555 5y ago

He's in love, man. It makes you insane.

deleted 5y ago

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mensetmanusman 5y ago

It might be, but not always. Family member’s wife started experiencing gradually pronounced schizophrenia over a few years and she became abusive to her husband until it ended with a short stay in a mental institute and then medication. She still wonders who she was at that time… Some people suffer diabetes as they age, and more than you would guess start experiencing mental breakdown that can manifest as abuse to a partner.

MisterTea 5y ago
Those situations are certainly understandable and forgivable. But there are terrible people out there who for one reason or another desire to control and manipulate their partner. They may be sick but it does not excuse or justify continuous abusive behavior.

throwaway_sjfgd 5y ago

> ... as victims when everyone around them knew it was a disaster from the beginning. I just don't understand how they get there unless they willingly ignore signs of bad behavior It may also be the other way around where they saw the disaster from the beginning whereas the others around failed to but kept on applying peer pressure, where the system fails to provide a functional exit path, or when the welfare of the children points in another direction during the transition phase. Also, things can become worse gradually whereas the decision to walk out is discrete which makes the decision hard. At what point in time does one find themselves justified to flip. I see several other areas where the same conundrum applies. I have already written more in other comments. > You reap what you sew Never hold this against yourself or others without knowing the specifics and considering the entire picture. I tell this to everyone. People are genuinely victims at times for no fault of theirs. Of course, the other side is more common where people incorrectly keep blaming others.