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You were right to hide behind a throwaway account. It's honestly quite easy to construct scenarios where cheating is entirely rational. But even the mere idea o

You were right to hide behind a throwaway account. It's honestly quite easy to construct scenarios where cheating is entirely rational. But even the mere idea of such things make people revel with disgust. I don't expect to change anyone's point of view, but I will provide a very simple example to at least frame the mindset of a potential cheater: "You are happily married to your partner but after a few years your sexual relationship has ceased to exist. What used to be causal, recurring sex has now become something of a burden. One partner constantly initiates, but the other is disinterested or even disgusted. This goes on for years. You discuss therapy, but your partner won't hear of it. Your marriage is entirely functional and even productive otherwise. You think about divorce. But you've really put in a lot in this house. You still love your partner, but they've changed. You have kids and responsibilities and a life together, and yet an emotional and biological part of you is ground down to a fucking pulp. It's very easy to just say "Divorce!" and clean your hands of the whole affair. But you're not stupid. You know your life could be ruined. Everything you've built can be taken away. The trust and relationships you've built could be destroyed. Your partner is almost an intimate part of your life, and ripping them out is like ripping your own heart out. You're not strong enough to do it. It's cowardly. But you're not perfect, and neither is your partner for putting you in this spot anyway. So what do you do? You risk it all, because you can't figure out any better. You're putting it all on the line for one little pity fuck that you don't even enjoy, that fills you with regret. You are ashamed of yourself. But deep down you still know that no matter how much love and affection and stability exists in your world, you cannot abandon that single, little fraction of your primate brain that just wants to fuck. You can lie and you can pretend all you want. Make whatever concessions exist in this world for the greater good and the happiness of all mankind and all that fuzzy stuff. And yet, at the end of it all, there's still just you. Alone." I can easily come up with a dozen scenarios. Relationships change. Power dynamics change. The role of sex in a relationship changes. People change. Sometimes it's not even about the sex, but the possibility of sex and the projection of one's own self worth and affirmation of their attractiveness and self-esteem as they battle life's hurdles. It's so easy to assume a puerile black and white opinion on the internet. The morally and ethically -Right.Thing.To.Do- stares at you proudly with their throbbing member. But people are not that simple, it's just not that easy.

colinb 5y ago
I don't know if you read TFA. HN etiquette says that I shouldn't question it. Assuming you have, then please be the person who actually writes a book. I think you have a lot more understanding of the abrasive wear of normal human relationships than most. And you can put words together. I also want to thank you for your comment that took a binary outlook on the world and introduced some small nuance. [only the wrong sort of people don't like nuance. Burn them all I say! /s]
fenderbluesjr 5y ago
I spent quite a bit of time exploring this topic some years back and have engaged with all of the nuances you have elaborated. However I still think you can reduce this part about the 'little primate brain that just wants to fuck' to a moral decision where the cheater is simply willing to put their own needs over those of everyone around them. The fact remains that maaany people _can_ ignore this part of their brain and after all the books and articles, I still feel they those who can't are just wimps when it comes down to it. We have words for people who are not willing to sustain pain for a greater good and we have words for those who can. Alain de Botton's book was the worst. It attempted to glorify it as being some necessary/indirectly selfless act done for the preservation of a marriage. Deluded
throwaway211116 5y ago
Your example showcases a relationship that is perfect in all aspects other than sexual. Many relationships are not that. In many relationships emotions may go sour, trust may fade, etc. before sex becomes dysfunctional (think about the existence of makeup sex), all while both partners choose to remain in the relationship for entirely rational reasons. And as time passes, making the choice of divorce becomes harder and harder. But indeed, the topic of is so very nuanced even in cases like the example. From an outside viewpoint, there theoretically might be better alternatives but people are complicated. A divorce, at least in the short term, is a lose-lose proposition, except: - cases where either one is in a life threatening situation (most usually women due to domestic violence - a death-lose situation) - cases where the law allows one to have net gains at the expense of the other and do so repeatedly (in this case marriage and divorce become a wealth transfer strategy - a win-lose situation) In the above example, theoretically, transitioning to an open relationship would be a better alternative, allowing both partners to compartmentalize the dysfunctional parts of the relationship. But this solution is not always plausible. Proposing such a solution is not plausible in many cases. Even pondering such a solution may not be plausible in many situations. Because, in many cases, simply having it known, that such an idea was given though, is enough to unravel relationships. See all the comments that vilify "emotional cheating".

colinb 5y ago

I don't know if you read TFA. HN etiquette says that I shouldn't question it. Assuming you have, then please be the person who actually writes a book. I think you have a lot more understanding of the abrasive wear of normal human relationships than most. And you can put words together. I also want to thank you for your comment that took a binary outlook on the world and introduced some small nuance. [only the wrong sort of people don't like nuance. Burn them all I say! /s]

fenderbluesjr 5y ago

I spent quite a bit of time exploring this topic some years back and have engaged with all of the nuances you have elaborated. However I still think you can reduce this part about the 'little primate brain that just wants to fuck' to a moral decision where the cheater is simply willing to put their own needs over those of everyone around them. The fact remains that maaany people _can_ ignore this part of their brain and after all the books and articles, I still feel they those who can't are just wimps when it comes down to it. We have words for people who are not willing to sustain pain for a greater good and we have words for those who can. Alain de Botton's book was the worst. It attempted to glorify it as being some necessary/indirectly selfless act done for the preservation of a marriage. Deluded

throwaway211116 5y ago

Your example showcases a relationship that is perfect in all aspects other than sexual. Many relationships are not that. In many relationships emotions may go sour, trust may fade, etc. before sex becomes dysfunctional (think about the existence of makeup sex), all while both partners choose to remain in the relationship for entirely rational reasons. And as time passes, making the choice of divorce becomes harder and harder. But indeed, the topic of is so very nuanced even in cases like the example. From an outside viewpoint, there theoretically might be better alternatives but people are complicated. A divorce, at least in the short term, is a lose-lose proposition, except: - cases where either one is in a life threatening situation (most usually women due to domestic violence - a death-lose situation) - cases where the law allows one to have net gains at the expense of the other and do so repeatedly (in this case marriage and divorce become a wealth transfer strategy - a win-lose situation) In the above example, theoretically, transitioning to an open relationship would be a better alternative, allowing both partners to compartmentalize the dysfunctional parts of the relationship. But this solution is not always plausible. Proposing such a solution is not plausible in many cases. Even pondering such a solution may not be plausible in many situations. Because, in many cases, simply having it known, that such an idea was given though, is enough to unravel relationships. See all the comments that vilify "emotional cheating".