7 ms·

I've pointed out to close friends and family "there are people who walk into a room and look for something to complain about, and they will always find somethin

by oblib 5y ago

I've pointed out to close friends and family "there are people who walk into a room and look for something to complain about, and they will always find something because nothing is too small for them to complain about". That's a habit, and it's a pretty annoying one if you're living with someone who does that, and I have lived with a few who did. After dealing it with for a long time I finally came up with that response to clearly point it out but I added to it by telling them "Anyone can walk into a room and find something to bitch about but Shit flows both ways and I can do that to you, so you need to stop doing it to me or expect I'll return the favor." They always deny they do it and that anyone can do it to them. So then I'd wait a few days and when it was far from their thoughts I'd walk in and find something to bitch about them with. And after I did that I tell them "Now you see how easy that is." The immediate goal is to get them to see they're a chronic bitcher and it works at least to the point where they stop looking for shit to bitch at me about because they know I'll return the favor. The larger goal though is to get them to see that they have a choice in how they view the world around them. One can also walk into a room and look for what is good to be found there, and if you make a point to do that you're negativity will diminish pretty quickly. But you have to give yourself a kick in the ass when you find you're being negative and purposely look for something positive. And you'll almost always find something positive if you do that. After awhile that is what you start looking for first. I sincerely hope this helps.

300bps 5y ago
Anyone who thinks nothing of chronically pointing out your flaws will think nothing of berating you for pointing out their flaws. They'll readily recognize how rude you're being while simultaneously not recognizing you're doing to them once what they've done to you dozens or hundreds of times.
- jayceedenton 5y ago
  This is very accurate. I've come across a couple of people like this in my time. It's thankfully not that common but when you meet them, you'll know. If someone has this mindset then in my opinion there really is no way to enlighten them. It's a character trait that runs deep. I think best to accept that you don't want this kind of interaction in your life and minimise contact as much as possible. It's certainly better than stooping to the same level.
pronlover723 5y ago
I would find advice like this more helpful if I could figure out how to integrate it with the idea that somethings actually are bad and that pointing them out brings awareness. An HN example might be bug reports. Bug reports are not being negative, they're being positive, trying to help fix an issue by pointing out it. The same is true for feature requests. You might not like the request but it's arguably a positive thing to get the info and possibly be presented a new idea. I'm recently semi-addicted to the "Not Just Bikes" youtube channel and it is arguably all "bitching about stuff". But the goal is clearly to raise awareness of the what most in the USA take for granted. I often try to look for the positive, but it often feels like learning to accept shoddy quality. Hey, this food tastes nothing like the real dishes but at least I was able to afford to go out..... Doesn't help the fact that the food was bad. Hey, this item I got from amazon is bad quality, but at least I'm privileged enough to have been able to order??!? It's hard to see how not being negative here is a net positive.
- soco 5y ago
  Bugfixes are a professional thing and we are expected to open them. I don't think one should feel guilty for opening them, or feel guilty for doing their job in general. But to criticize my colleague's choice of shirt? They aren't wearing it to make me happy, so my criticism is totally uncalled for, even if, and I underline even if their shirt of choice is awful. This kind of criticism is overstepping. Now again, if what I received in the restaurant was bad gives me the right to complain as I was the one wronged, but again there's an inner debate which I'd hold: what was my expectation? Was it at a kebab stall or a Michelin restaurant? Did I pay for a fancy delicacy or for a cheap filling? Were my expectations actually warranted?
agumonkey 5y ago
> I've pointed out to close friends and family "there are people who walk into a room and look for something to complain about, and they will always find something because nothing is too small for them to complain about". Weak, frustrated and attention seekers ? I often view them as people in fear of something that enjoy the reflex of negative / toxic behavior just to get a reaction from their environment. It's not the easiest to come neutral and honest about how you feel, bored, lonely, scared, or to ask for friendly interactions taking others into account. (I did that too, now I try to stay relaxed and cool)
- raxxorrax 5y ago
  How do you differentiate someone bringing forward criticism from someone being frustrated and an attention seeker?
  - agumonkey 5y ago
    There are obvious signs: the lack of politeness, urgency of expressing themselves first, not giving you space to talk, tone, and also the adequacy of the issue at hand. When people go mad for small secondary issues you know. Or when there could be 100 different topics to discuss, some good, some bad, but only the bad gets mentioned.
    - raxxorrax 5y ago
      I can accept a lot of different tones. I have my problems with secondary theaters as well, but that is to be expected. Different people care for different topics. And while civility is a tool to prevent topics getting personal, I believe it needs to be balanced with directness in a discussion, which can be perceived as rough. I believe a lot of this comes when people contrast online and offline discussion. In the (classical) online world and pseudonymous users, interchanges are (theoretically) more detached an less personal. That make the tone seem pretty raw at times. But there are countless legitimately bad developments in tech, aside from giant corporations tying in the open source community and trying to make it more "professional". Huge advertising platforms indirectly threatening freedom of expression, scam artists selling NFTs and some crypto currencies. This is a fundamentally bad development that isn't really comparable to what we had only 10 years ago. At least if we are talking about tech, I believe there is quite some reason to be negative about developments so I don't mind it getting to people and I think acknowledging that you are disappointed is healthier than just to proclaim to be happy now. And in that case I don't expect people being friendly, that would be an unrealistic expectation.

by oblib 5y ago

300bps 5y ago

Anyone who thinks nothing of chronically pointing out your flaws will think nothing of berating you for pointing out their flaws. They'll readily recognize how rude you're being while simultaneously not recognizing you're doing to them once what they've done to you dozens or hundreds of times.

jayceedenton 5y ago
This is very accurate. I've come across a couple of people like this in my time. It's thankfully not that common but when you meet them, you'll know. If someone has this mindset then in my opinion there really is no way to enlighten them. It's a character trait that runs deep. I think best to accept that you don't want this kind of interaction in your life and minimise contact as much as possible. It's certainly better than stooping to the same level.

pronlover723 5y ago

I would find advice like this more helpful if I could figure out how to integrate it with the idea that somethings actually are bad and that pointing them out brings awareness. An HN example might be bug reports. Bug reports are not being negative, they're being positive, trying to help fix an issue by pointing out it. The same is true for feature requests. You might not like the request but it's arguably a positive thing to get the info and possibly be presented a new idea. I'm recently semi-addicted to the "Not Just Bikes" youtube channel and it is arguably all "bitching about stuff". But the goal is clearly to raise awareness of the what most in the USA take for granted. I often try to look for the positive, but it often feels like learning to accept shoddy quality. Hey, this food tastes nothing like the real dishes but at least I was able to afford to go out..... Doesn't help the fact that the food was bad. Hey, this item I got from amazon is bad quality, but at least I'm privileged enough to have been able to order??!? It's hard to see how not being negative here is a net positive.

soco 5y ago
Bugfixes are a professional thing and we are expected to open them. I don't think one should feel guilty for opening them, or feel guilty for doing their job in general. But to criticize my colleague's choice of shirt? They aren't wearing it to make me happy, so my criticism is totally uncalled for, even if, and I underline even if their shirt of choice is awful. This kind of criticism is overstepping. Now again, if what I received in the restaurant was bad gives me the right to complain as I was the one wronged, but again there's an inner debate which I'd hold: what was my expectation? Was it at a kebab stall or a Michelin restaurant? Did I pay for a fancy delicacy or for a cheap filling? Were my expectations actually warranted?

agumonkey 5y ago

> I've pointed out to close friends and family "there are people who walk into a room and look for something to complain about, and they will always find something because nothing is too small for them to complain about". Weak, frustrated and attention seekers ? I often view them as people in fear of something that enjoy the reflex of negative / toxic behavior just to get a reaction from their environment. It's not the easiest to come neutral and honest about how you feel, bored, lonely, scared, or to ask for friendly interactions taking others into account. (I did that too, now I try to stay relaxed and cool)

raxxorrax 5y ago
How do you differentiate someone bringing forward criticism from someone being frustrated and an attention seeker?
- agumonkey 5y ago
  There are obvious signs: the lack of politeness, urgency of expressing themselves first, not giving you space to talk, tone, and also the adequacy of the issue at hand. When people go mad for small secondary issues you know. Or when there could be 100 different topics to discuss, some good, some bad, but only the bad gets mentioned.
  - raxxorrax 5y ago
    I can accept a lot of different tones. I have my problems with secondary theaters as well, but that is to be expected. Different people care for different topics. And while civility is a tool to prevent topics getting personal, I believe it needs to be balanced with directness in a discussion, which can be perceived as rough. I believe a lot of this comes when people contrast online and offline discussion. In the (classical) online world and pseudonymous users, interchanges are (theoretically) more detached an less personal. That make the tone seem pretty raw at times. But there are countless legitimately bad developments in tech, aside from giant corporations tying in the open source community and trying to make it more "professional". Huge advertising platforms indirectly threatening freedom of expression, scam artists selling NFTs and some crypto currencies. This is a fundamentally bad development that isn't really comparable to what we had only 10 years ago. At least if we are talking about tech, I believe there is quite some reason to be negative about developments so I don't mind it getting to people and I think acknowledging that you are disappointed is healthier than just to proclaim to be happy now. And in that case I don't expect people being friendly, that would be an unrealistic expectation.