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A somewhat related approach that I’ve found incredibly useful in my career is repeating what -others- have told you back to them, a lot. It’s honestly amazing

A somewhat related approach that I’ve found incredibly useful in my career is repeating what -others- have told you back to them, a lot. It’s honestly amazing to me how much mileage I’ve gotten out of simply saying, “I heard you say X about Y. Does that sound right to you?” a couple of times during discussions just to make sure that everyone is clear that we’re all discussing the same thing. It seems like “common sense” to clarify your understanding of someone else’s communication but I haven’t run into very many people who actually take the time to do it.

SamPatt 5y ago
100% agree. This is not only useful for improving communication but for making other parties satisfied they are being heard. I do this too and it gives people an opportunity to clarify their views, which everyone appreciates, and often leads to them explaining broader motivations which helps develop trust.
__turbobrew__ 5y ago
Repeating what others said back to them is called “mirroring” and is an effective technique for not only confirming your understanding but also showing others that you are actively listening. I recommend reading “ Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It” by Chris Voss if you are interested in conversation tactics.
- kqr 5y ago
  Mirroring is different from what your parent comment talks about. Mirroring is simply about repeating, verbatim, the last part of what someone said. So as a response to your comment it might be something like "Conversation tactics." Your parent comment seems to be talking more about summarising someone else's point in your own words, which is a deeper reflection on what someone means, and an even stronger signal that you're actively listening. (That summary is what gets you a "that's right" in the terminology of Voss. Mirroring is used to get your counterparty to expand on what they're saying, not just go "that's right.")
  - bryan_w 5y ago
    If I'm understanding you correctly, Mirroring is simply about repeating, verbatim, the last part of what someone said, right?
    - trompetenaccoun 5y ago
      That's right. It's repeating the last part of what someone said.
      - tharkun__ 5y ago
        Or did. E.g. you are on a business meeting and your counterpart just took his glass of wine and sipped. Mirror it and sip your wine a few seconds later. Or do it with your hot date. Mirroring works. Most of the time. As apparently does using someone's name. Most (not all) people like hearing their name. Try to find out if they like or dislike hearing their name and either use their name a lot or very very seldomly. I.e. for most people even in a 1 to 1 conversation say "Thank you Brent" and not just "Thank you".
        andrei_says_ 5y ago
        I do like hearing my name but find salespeople repeating it incredibly annoying, mechanical and insulting. If you’re pitching me your new product you get one “that’s a great question” and one ridiculous insertion of my name before you get a hard no. Coincidentally these crappy tactics usually go with crappy products so it’s an easy win.
      - Karunamon 5y ago
        Entirely serious question; is this intended to work over text? It might just be me, but seeing the same text highly visible in two comments by two people makes it stick out in an awkward way.
        cutemonster 5y ago
        It wasn't about repeating the last part -- it was about repeating the important main things in what the other person said. I think that can work in text. (Or repeat the things you want to hear more about. And s/he will tend to understand and talk more about that.)
- scns 5y ago
  Robert Bolton dedicates three chapters to this technique in People Skills (1979), highly recommended.
- bartvk 5y ago
  I found that book by Chris Voss only interesting because of his stories as a hostage negotiator. But I wasn't able to put any of his advice into practice, not anything whatsoever. Am I overlooking something?
  - bulbosaur123 5y ago
    "Am I overlooking something?" Oh, how clever. Using the "no" oriented questions already. I see what you are doing.
    - ignoramous 5y ago
      Things just got meta.
      - contingencies 5y ago
        All possible successor states of any state. - Leslie Lamport, via https://github.com/globalcitizen/taoup https://github.com/globalcitizen/taoup
      - Aeolun 5y ago
        God, I just realized how hard they’re going to claim how much their company is discussed on the web.
        lstamour 5y ago
        Right, they should have been inspired by something less generic… like the alphabet - it worked for Google and Amazon (the logo has an arrow from A to Z). Feels like Meta is just as generic in that it can be used to describe everything.
    - ZephyrBlu 5y ago
      What about "no" orientated questions? I tend to ask questions like this, but have never read Chris Voss' book.
- splitstud 5y ago
  In the context of a project, it also gives the 'mirrored' a chance to reconsider.
- codyb 5y ago
  Additionally, I feel like putting things into my own words can be helpful, or asking for further details. “Ah okay, so ingress hits our service named BigMouth, which… acts as a load balancer and proxy essentially?”
- strzibny 5y ago
  It's a good book. I wrote a little review + gist here: https://nts.strzibny.name/learning-negotiation-never-split-the-difference/ https://nts.strzibny.name/learning-negotiation-never-split-t...
SilasX 5y ago
Similarly, if you missed a part of what someone said, repeat back everything you did hear as part of the question. It confirms you were listening and avoids an excessively long or rephrased answered. For example, "We reviewed <garbled> and found the events hadn't been logged." -> "You reviewed what and found the events hadn't been logged?"
yurlungur 5y ago
Also it's not that rare that the other party forgets what their original stance on something is and in turn argue against you on that issue. Reminding them that hey this was your idea too can help you resolve that debate if it's unnecessary.
- whatshisface 5y ago
  How could you possibly distinguish that from your own misunderstanding of their position?
  - rahimnathwani 5y ago
    By repeating it early (soon after being said) and often.
    - whatshisface 5y ago
      Oh, well if that's what you're doing, they probably haven't forgotten their original position. People usually try to save face and it takes a very high character to directly admit a change of mind.
afarrell 5y ago
This is a part of a type of inquiry called Clean Language Questions and it is indeed useful.
austincheney 5y ago
Back brief. https://www.velaction.com/briefback/ https://www.velaction.com/briefback/
stepbeek 5y ago
Other than the social hinting that “yes, I am listening and value what you’re saying”, I’ve found this technique to result in uncovering sincere misunderstandings much earlier in conversation which is invaluable. It’s hard to clear the air after arguing about different things for 20 minutes.
davidjytang 5y ago
I worked as international sales for a while. I had to make a lot of phone calls and take a lot of phone calls often from all over the world with less than ideal sound quality and drastically different accents. When an angry customer called me to complain about shipment, product or what not, due to aforementioned difficulties associated with intl calls, I had to first make sure I understand what they were saying. I try my best to put together what the situation was and repeat back to them in my own words for them to confirm. I kid you not, angry customers always get much less angry once they realized that I understand their situation. The emotional change resulted from being merely understood was so amazing and the interaction was always precious to me like I made a new friend.

SamPatt 5y ago

100% agree. This is not only useful for improving communication but for making other parties satisfied they are being heard. I do this too and it gives people an opportunity to clarify their views, which everyone appreciates, and often leads to them explaining broader motivations which helps develop trust.

__turbobrew__ 5y ago

Repeating what others said back to them is called “mirroring” and is an effective technique for not only confirming your understanding but also showing others that you are actively listening. I recommend reading “ Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It” by Chris Voss if you are interested in conversation tactics.

kqr 5y ago
Mirroring is different from what your parent comment talks about. Mirroring is simply about repeating, verbatim, the last part of what someone said. So as a response to your comment it might be something like "Conversation tactics." Your parent comment seems to be talking more about summarising someone else's point in your own words, which is a deeper reflection on what someone means, and an even stronger signal that you're actively listening. (That summary is what gets you a "that's right" in the terminology of Voss. Mirroring is used to get your counterparty to expand on what they're saying, not just go "that's right.")
- bryan_w 5y ago
  If I'm understanding you correctly, Mirroring is simply about repeating, verbatim, the last part of what someone said, right?
  - trompetenaccoun 5y ago
    That's right. It's repeating the last part of what someone said.
    - tharkun__ 5y ago
      Or did. E.g. you are on a business meeting and your counterpart just took his glass of wine and sipped. Mirror it and sip your wine a few seconds later. Or do it with your hot date. Mirroring works. Most of the time. As apparently does using someone's name. Most (not all) people like hearing their name. Try to find out if they like or dislike hearing their name and either use their name a lot or very very seldomly. I.e. for most people even in a 1 to 1 conversation say "Thank you Brent" and not just "Thank you".
      - andrei_says_ 5y ago
        I do like hearing my name but find salespeople repeating it incredibly annoying, mechanical and insulting. If you’re pitching me your new product you get one “that’s a great question” and one ridiculous insertion of my name before you get a hard no. Coincidentally these crappy tactics usually go with crappy products so it’s an easy win.
    - Karunamon 5y ago
      Entirely serious question; is this intended to work over text? It might just be me, but seeing the same text highly visible in two comments by two people makes it stick out in an awkward way.
      - cutemonster 5y ago
        It wasn't about repeating the last part -- it was about repeating the important main things in what the other person said. I think that can work in text. (Or repeat the things you want to hear more about. And s/he will tend to understand and talk more about that.)
scns 5y ago
Robert Bolton dedicates three chapters to this technique in People Skills (1979), highly recommended.
bartvk 5y ago
I found that book by Chris Voss only interesting because of his stories as a hostage negotiator. But I wasn't able to put any of his advice into practice, not anything whatsoever. Am I overlooking something?
- bulbosaur123 5y ago
  "Am I overlooking something?" Oh, how clever. Using the "no" oriented questions already. I see what you are doing.
  - ignoramous 5y ago
    Things just got meta.
    - contingencies 5y ago
      All possible successor states of any state. - Leslie Lamport, via https://github.com/globalcitizen/taoup https://github.com/globalcitizen/taoup
    - Aeolun 5y ago
      God, I just realized how hard they’re going to claim how much their company is discussed on the web.
      - lstamour 5y ago
        Right, they should have been inspired by something less generic… like the alphabet - it worked for Google and Amazon (the logo has an arrow from A to Z). Feels like Meta is just as generic in that it can be used to describe everything.
  - ZephyrBlu 5y ago
    What about "no" orientated questions? I tend to ask questions like this, but have never read Chris Voss' book.
splitstud 5y ago
In the context of a project, it also gives the 'mirrored' a chance to reconsider.
codyb 5y ago
Additionally, I feel like putting things into my own words can be helpful, or asking for further details. “Ah okay, so ingress hits our service named BigMouth, which… acts as a load balancer and proxy essentially?”
strzibny 5y ago
It's a good book. I wrote a little review + gist here: https://nts.strzibny.name/learning-negotiation-never-split-the-difference/ https://nts.strzibny.name/learning-negotiation-never-split-t...

SilasX 5y ago

Similarly, if you missed a part of what someone said, repeat back everything you did hear as part of the question. It confirms you were listening and avoids an excessively long or rephrased answered. For example, "We reviewed <garbled> and found the events hadn't been logged." -> "You reviewed what and found the events hadn't been logged?"

yurlungur 5y ago

Also it's not that rare that the other party forgets what their original stance on something is and in turn argue against you on that issue. Reminding them that hey this was your idea too can help you resolve that debate if it's unnecessary.

whatshisface 5y ago
How could you possibly distinguish that from your own misunderstanding of their position?
- rahimnathwani 5y ago
  By repeating it early (soon after being said) and often.
  - whatshisface 5y ago
    Oh, well if that's what you're doing, they probably haven't forgotten their original position. People usually try to save face and it takes a very high character to directly admit a change of mind.

afarrell 5y ago

This is a part of a type of inquiry called Clean Language Questions and it is indeed useful.

austincheney 5y ago

Back brief. https://www.velaction.com/briefback/ https://www.velaction.com/briefback/

stepbeek 5y ago

Other than the social hinting that “yes, I am listening and value what you’re saying”, I’ve found this technique to result in uncovering sincere misunderstandings much earlier in conversation which is invaluable. It’s hard to clear the air after arguing about different things for 20 minutes.

davidjytang 5y ago

I worked as international sales for a while. I had to make a lot of phone calls and take a lot of phone calls often from all over the world with less than ideal sound quality and drastically different accents. When an angry customer called me to complain about shipment, product or what not, due to aforementioned difficulties associated with intl calls, I had to first make sure I understand what they were saying. I try my best to put together what the situation was and repeat back to them in my own words for them to confirm. I kid you not, angry customers always get much less angry once they realized that I understand their situation. The emotional change resulted from being merely understood was so amazing and the interaction was always precious to me like I made a new friend.