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My favorite technique is to let the other person talk and just ask why repeatedly. It’s incredible how often people will repeat a stance without being able to e

My favorite technique is to let the other person talk and just ask why repeatedly. It’s incredible how often people will repeat a stance without being able to explain why they believe in that stance. The embarrassment of not being able to justify it usually ends the debate quickly. This also often works in tech when people tell you high level advice and you ask them for specifics.

tgv 5y ago
First, I don't think the other conversation partner will particularly like you for doing that. Second, it's not constructive. Why do you think people have to underpin a specific stance more and more?
watwut 5y ago
This way, you don't have to defend or argue for you stance at all - or even define it. So, another reason why they end debate quickly is that you created highly asymmetrical situation, in which you don't do the work of "being able to explain why". And of course with enough of why you will reach their limit at some point without exposing yours. People who are not experienced negotiators will realize what is going on, but wont be able to turn the situation around.
Gadiguibou 5y ago
I understand this must reveal areas where the other person is less knowledgeable. However, don't you think it's alienating for them?
orwin 5y ago
I think asking "how" is a better idea. "How do you think it work", "Don't you think X have more impact than Y?", "How do that work in your mind?". Because if you're wrong, asking why doesn't really help you, You will highlight blindspot and that's all. Why is a trap.
erdo 5y ago
I think asking why is a great way to quickly find out if the person I'm talking to doesn't know what they're talking about (I'm thinking specifically of developer discussions here). You don't have to be rude about it, there are plenty of ways to gently probe (feigning ignorance for example) but if it only takes a single "why" to get to some software "rule" or an immediate reference to a higher authority and nothing else, then you can move on with your day. If the conversation leads to specific examples, lessons learned or a deeper explanation then it can be a great learning experience.

tgv 5y ago

First, I don't think the other conversation partner will particularly like you for doing that. Second, it's not constructive. Why do you think people have to underpin a specific stance more and more?

watwut 5y ago

This way, you don't have to defend or argue for you stance at all - or even define it. So, another reason why they end debate quickly is that you created highly asymmetrical situation, in which you don't do the work of "being able to explain why". And of course with enough of why you will reach their limit at some point without exposing yours. People who are not experienced negotiators will realize what is going on, but wont be able to turn the situation around.

Gadiguibou 5y ago

I understand this must reveal areas where the other person is less knowledgeable. However, don't you think it's alienating for them?

orwin 5y ago

I think asking "how" is a better idea. "How do you think it work", "Don't you think X have more impact than Y?", "How do that work in your mind?". Because if you're wrong, asking why doesn't really help you, You will highlight blindspot and that's all. Why is a trap.

erdo 5y ago

I think asking why is a great way to quickly find out if the person I'm talking to doesn't know what they're talking about (I'm thinking specifically of developer discussions here). You don't have to be rude about it, there are plenty of ways to gently probe (feigning ignorance for example) but if it only takes a single "why" to get to some software "rule" or an immediate reference to a higher authority and nothing else, then you can move on with your day. If the conversation leads to specific examples, lessons learned or a deeper explanation then it can be a great learning experience.