5 ms·

What you say sounds nice, but either I don't understand it, or I feel it just isn't true. For example, you want to watch a movie together, but neither of you h

What you say sounds nice, but either I don't understand it, or I feel it just isn't true. For example, you want to watch a movie together, but neither of you have the same tastes in movies. What do you do? Because both of you are self-giving, you both say that the other can pick, you're thus in a deadlock. At some point, there's going to need a compromise, because you can only pick one movie and neither of you happen to like the same movie. So best you can do is compromise by alternating, this time you watch your preferred movie, next time there's. Or you compromise by not watching movies together, but seperately.

agumonkey 5y ago
In a way in a good relationship the other person knows you won't like it, so either he will find something else to share for both pleasure, or he will make it enjoyable (don't just watch the movie with someone on the side, talk about the movie, make her part of the moment). The idea is that sharing together is more important than self pleasure. (as long as its reciprocal indeed)
oblio 5y ago
My guess? Have a relaxed, open attitude. Even if the movies you'll see are not what you'd watch, they are made for an audience and generally have some redeeming qualities. You try to find those and maybe even learn from them (about the actual movies or what they reveal about their target audience).
- didibus 5y ago
  That's the best case scenario, that you end up enjoying the movie. But I'm saying in a scenario where you don't. You simply have very different movie tastes. So if you want to watch a movie together, I just don't see how you could both enjoy it without any compromise.
  - tablespoon 5y ago
    > That's the best case scenario, that you end up enjoying the movie. But I'm saying in a scenario where you don't. You simply have very different movie tastes. > So if you want to watch a movie together, I just don't see how you could both enjoy it without any compromise. It kinda seems like you're setting up the scenario to force a particular result. If both your tastes are so fixed and incompatible that you can't like a movie without your partner disliking it, then maybe decide to do something else besides watch a movie?
    - thih9 5y ago
      > them maybe decide to do something else besides watch a movie? This solution is part of the original comment; i.e.: “Or you compromise by not watching movies together, but seperately.”[1]. [1]: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28659212 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28659212
      - krageon 5y ago
        The author of that comment is missing the idea that the entire question is beside the point.
  - redisman 5y ago
    I mean if your SO will only watch “Minions” straight to video movies then maybe you just need to find one of the other million activities out there to do together.
- watwut 5y ago
  I don't understand why this is so hard to accept. I used to love watching horrors. I watched them a lot and that made me less sensitive to them - I needed more scarier and badly looking to feel scared. And it is 100% legitimate for someone else to dislike horrors. To be sensitive to pain on the screen, to not be used to the tensions and anticipation of bad these movies create. It has nothing to do with whether that horror has redeeming qualities. It does not matter whether it has deep philosophical meaning. The experience of watching it is deeply uncomfortable for some people and that is fine. It does not says anything bad about them.
pfortuny 5y ago
That is the mistake: thinking of watching a movie as a personal act. In a good relationship the fact that the other one is enjoying a movie is most of the satisfaction. Otherwise a marriage is a union of two individuals, not a project for a single joint life. Of course the above is just a silly example but enlightening.
- didibus 5y ago
  So in your case, you suggest that you'd simply always let your partner choose the movie, even though you never enjoy the movies they pick? That means your partner is not self-giving. Assuming both of you are self-giving, I just don't see a resolution that doesn't involve a compromise.
  - smackeyacky 5y ago
    Perhaps they could simply take turns?
    - didibus 5y ago
      Exactly! That's my point, you've got to compromise like the author said: > Of course, we compromise: by taking turns
  - zpeti 5y ago
    What happens next time? In a decent relationship your spouse will want you to pick the movie next time. And so everyone is happy half the time, and you are mutually trying to make each other happy. That’s fair, supportive, and a good marriage basically.
    - didibus 5y ago
      The author says: > Of course, we compromise: by taking turns And the OP I replied to said that's not a self-giving attitude. So in my case, taking turn counts as a compromise. And so this is my point, I don't think compromising means that you're not in a self-giving relationship, in fact, I think it shows that you are, since both of you are considerate of the other and finding ways to please the other in turn.
bambax 5y ago
Tastes are not a fixed thing, and it's not certain they are even real. In many (most?) cases what we call "tastes" -- and especially distastes -- are a way for us to broadcast our identities to the world. In an intimate, functioning relationship those broadcasts shouldn't be necessary because we know they are, if not fake, at least a proxy for what we want others to think who we really are. Intimacy is about shedding masks. In a couple one should be able to appreciate, if not outright enjoy, what the other likes. (Not to say there aren't limits; but it would be a symptom of an abusive relationship if one would insist they always watch what the other truly hates.)
- watwut 5y ago
  This is just not true. Some people, many of them in fact, do have emotional reactions to movies and art in general. And that emotional reaction is either pleasant or not. People get bored watching movies and it is not a mask nor identity - it is feeling. Some people genuinely feel bad watching horrrors and it is not identity, it is genuinely feeling bad. I hate cringe in comic super heroes movie and thus dislike them. It is not a mask I wear it is genuinely unpleasant and if alone I would never ever watch that. The movies creators put a lot of work unto making you experience feelings while watching their movies in fact.
  - TheOtherHobbes 5y ago
    Yes - quite. I don't like gore and I think superhero movies are dumb. So if someone lived for both, there would be a problem. But it's not just about "taste", it's about values. I strongly suspect I won't have many shared values with someone who loves gore. And conflicting values are more likely to break a relationship than incompatible movie tastes.
    - i_cannot_hack 5y ago
      Of course "taste" does not exist if you define "superhero movies are dumb" as a value judgement that has nothing to do about taste. Simple calling it something else does not make it disappear, though. One person likes superhero movies, the other does not. Is seems that by your worldview it will be an insurmountable barrier to forming a healthy relationship unless someone changes their mind, which seems to be a rather bleak attitude to me. Are you sure we couldn't find countless couples with different movie tastes (or movie values) who, despite this obstacle, are in happy and loving relationships?
krageon 5y ago
> What do you do? You recognise that it's not about the movie, it's about the activity you do together. Really, the lengths the threads here are going through to facilitate poor interpersonal interaction are sort of mystifying. Perhaps being a good person (or even just a good friend) is not obvious to everyone, but the information on how to be one definitely is easy to find. How come nobody is finding it?
amanaplanacanal 5y ago
Or you do something else together that you both enjoy. Trying to be everything to your partner is simply impossible. Do neither of you have other friends that you do things with?

agumonkey 5y ago

In a way in a good relationship the other person knows you won't like it, so either he will find something else to share for both pleasure, or he will make it enjoyable (don't just watch the movie with someone on the side, talk about the movie, make her part of the moment). The idea is that sharing together is more important than self pleasure. (as long as its reciprocal indeed)

oblio 5y ago

My guess? Have a relaxed, open attitude. Even if the movies you'll see are not what you'd watch, they are made for an audience and generally have some redeeming qualities. You try to find those and maybe even learn from them (about the actual movies or what they reveal about their target audience).

didibus 5y ago
That's the best case scenario, that you end up enjoying the movie. But I'm saying in a scenario where you don't. You simply have very different movie tastes. So if you want to watch a movie together, I just don't see how you could both enjoy it without any compromise.
- tablespoon 5y ago
  > That's the best case scenario, that you end up enjoying the movie. But I'm saying in a scenario where you don't. You simply have very different movie tastes. > So if you want to watch a movie together, I just don't see how you could both enjoy it without any compromise. It kinda seems like you're setting up the scenario to force a particular result. If both your tastes are so fixed and incompatible that you can't like a movie without your partner disliking it, then maybe decide to do something else besides watch a movie?
  - thih9 5y ago
    > them maybe decide to do something else besides watch a movie? This solution is part of the original comment; i.e.: “Or you compromise by not watching movies together, but seperately.”[1]. [1]: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28659212 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28659212
    - krageon 5y ago
      The author of that comment is missing the idea that the entire question is beside the point.
- redisman 5y ago
  I mean if your SO will only watch “Minions” straight to video movies then maybe you just need to find one of the other million activities out there to do together.
watwut 5y ago
I don't understand why this is so hard to accept. I used to love watching horrors. I watched them a lot and that made me less sensitive to them - I needed more scarier and badly looking to feel scared. And it is 100% legitimate for someone else to dislike horrors. To be sensitive to pain on the screen, to not be used to the tensions and anticipation of bad these movies create. It has nothing to do with whether that horror has redeeming qualities. It does not matter whether it has deep philosophical meaning. The experience of watching it is deeply uncomfortable for some people and that is fine. It does not says anything bad about them.

pfortuny 5y ago

That is the mistake: thinking of watching a movie as a personal act. In a good relationship the fact that the other one is enjoying a movie is most of the satisfaction. Otherwise a marriage is a union of two individuals, not a project for a single joint life. Of course the above is just a silly example but enlightening.

didibus 5y ago
So in your case, you suggest that you'd simply always let your partner choose the movie, even though you never enjoy the movies they pick? That means your partner is not self-giving. Assuming both of you are self-giving, I just don't see a resolution that doesn't involve a compromise.
- smackeyacky 5y ago
  Perhaps they could simply take turns?
  - didibus 5y ago
    Exactly! That's my point, you've got to compromise like the author said: > Of course, we compromise: by taking turns
- zpeti 5y ago
  What happens next time? In a decent relationship your spouse will want you to pick the movie next time. And so everyone is happy half the time, and you are mutually trying to make each other happy. That’s fair, supportive, and a good marriage basically.
  - didibus 5y ago
    The author says: > Of course, we compromise: by taking turns And the OP I replied to said that's not a self-giving attitude. So in my case, taking turn counts as a compromise. And so this is my point, I don't think compromising means that you're not in a self-giving relationship, in fact, I think it shows that you are, since both of you are considerate of the other and finding ways to please the other in turn.

bambax 5y ago

Tastes are not a fixed thing, and it's not certain they are even real. In many (most?) cases what we call "tastes" -- and especially distastes -- are a way for us to broadcast our identities to the world. In an intimate, functioning relationship those broadcasts shouldn't be necessary because we know they are, if not fake, at least a proxy for what we want others to think who we really are. Intimacy is about shedding masks. In a couple one should be able to appreciate, if not outright enjoy, what the other likes. (Not to say there aren't limits; but it would be a symptom of an abusive relationship if one would insist they always watch what the other truly hates.)

watwut 5y ago
This is just not true. Some people, many of them in fact, do have emotional reactions to movies and art in general. And that emotional reaction is either pleasant or not. People get bored watching movies and it is not a mask nor identity - it is feeling. Some people genuinely feel bad watching horrrors and it is not identity, it is genuinely feeling bad. I hate cringe in comic super heroes movie and thus dislike them. It is not a mask I wear it is genuinely unpleasant and if alone I would never ever watch that. The movies creators put a lot of work unto making you experience feelings while watching their movies in fact.
- TheOtherHobbes 5y ago
  Yes - quite. I don't like gore and I think superhero movies are dumb. So if someone lived for both, there would be a problem. But it's not just about "taste", it's about values. I strongly suspect I won't have many shared values with someone who loves gore. And conflicting values are more likely to break a relationship than incompatible movie tastes.
  - i_cannot_hack 5y ago
    Of course "taste" does not exist if you define "superhero movies are dumb" as a value judgement that has nothing to do about taste. Simple calling it something else does not make it disappear, though. One person likes superhero movies, the other does not. Is seems that by your worldview it will be an insurmountable barrier to forming a healthy relationship unless someone changes their mind, which seems to be a rather bleak attitude to me. Are you sure we couldn't find countless couples with different movie tastes (or movie values) who, despite this obstacle, are in happy and loving relationships?

krageon 5y ago

> What do you do? You recognise that it's not about the movie, it's about the activity you do together. Really, the lengths the threads here are going through to facilitate poor interpersonal interaction are sort of mystifying. Perhaps being a good person (or even just a good friend) is not obvious to everyone, but the information on how to be one definitely is easy to find. How come nobody is finding it?

amanaplanacanal 5y ago

Or you do something else together that you both enjoy. Trying to be everything to your partner is simply impossible. Do neither of you have other friends that you do things with?