35 ms·

The art of not taking things personally

451 points by LoriP 5y ago

silicon2401 5y ago
I think the world would be better if more people practiced the suggestions in this page. Many humans lack compassion. People on all sides of all issues behave due to similar fundamental reasons: fear, uncertainty, anxiety. If people looked past the superficial and helped comfort people who are unlike them in addition to those who are similar, we might be able to find solutions to more issues.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
zwkrt 5y ago
As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the current state of affairs. If I see myself as a busy professional I might be much more aggravated by someone at the grocery store holding up the checkout line with EBT (since I am busy they must be lazy!). If I see myself as a social climber I will always be worrying if people are using me for something (since I am using them!). If I identify with my wealth I might develop some neurosis regarding the sight of the homeless (since they represent ultimate failure!). I don't believe in reincarnation but it is a helpful thought experiment to think about what benefits and drawbacks your particular incarnation of life holds and how those might be different if you were incarnated elsewhere.
- mcguire 5y ago
  That's interesting and well-put! I've thought for a long time that the world is, in a sense, a mirror: what you see out there is a reflection of yourself. A social climber worrying about being used is a part of that I hadn't considered before.
  - scns 5y ago
    In psychology it is called projection.
  - dQw4w9WgXcQ 5y ago
    There's many degrees of accuracy for truth that have nothing to do with ourselves. What you see and experience generally can reach a high level of accuracy -> "He is already an L6 by 30." It is the motives and reasons behind events that are most subject to gap filling with our personal experiences "He must be climbing the corporate ladder." When the Bible (via Jesus) speaks about judging, it is referring to being cautious with assessing motives, not drawing conclusions about factual happenings.
- SkipperCat 5y ago
  So true. I read an article ago where they studied aging and they found that everything about a person degrades, eyesight, strength, cognition, etc with the exception of impulse control and patience. As you age, you mellow out and are less tethered to knee jerk reactions. For me, as someone approaching 'early geezerdom', I see it in my work interactions. What used to bother me, I can now let pass.
  - scns 5y ago
    This progress can be be sped up with meditation.
    - datameta 5y ago
      Sans side-effects of aging, of course.
- foobiekr 5y ago
  I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization but instead I will identify as just being the thing that passes through different states of being. They're kind of the same thing, but I'd feel less weird saying it the way you did.
  - only_as_i_fall 5y ago
    You could just be depressed
  - packetlost 5y ago
    That's me, except I'm in my early-mid 20s and I've always been like that. I describe it as being 'the opposite of neurotic' in a psychological sense.
    - dennis_jeeves 5y ago
      You are way ahead of the crowd, take care.
    - deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
  - scns 5y ago
    Aristoteles wrote this is the goal IIRC. In buddhism they aim for something similar, neither being swayed by your desires nor fears, stay calm enables being able to act instead only reacting to external stimuli on autopilot. Nothing wrong with it IMSO.
    - jetrink 5y ago
      > IMSO In my stoic opinion?
- minikites 5y ago
  Your comment is very well put and reminds me of this quote from Boethius: >It's my belief that history is a wheel. "Inconsistency is my very essence" -says the wheel- "Rise up on my spokes if you like, but don't complain when you are cast back down into the depths. Good times pass away, but then so do the bad. Mutability is our tragedy, but it is also our hope. The worst of times, like the best, are always passing away".
- BurningFrog 5y ago
  This is a common development for men as we get older. I could write something similar. I'd like to think I'm maturing and becoming wise. But I suspect it's really the falling testosterone levels that come with age...
  - moneywoes 5y ago
    Have you considered supplementation
- annamargot 5y ago
  Self-awareness is how I look at it. And it is finally taking hold with age :) I can better manage my emotions by simply being able to recognize them almost from an outsider’s perspective. My inner monologue switches to 3rd person “Yeah you’re feeling super irritable right now, you better go chill out somewhere before you say something you don’t mean and then create a whole big thing for no reason” Younger me would have started some shit and created unnecessary problems
  - jasonladuke0311 5y ago
    This is similar to how I approach cognitive biases; I cannot prevent them, as they are innate to human nature. But I posit that if I try to make myself aware of the influence of bias, it might be more managable/less impactful when it affects me.
- gexla 5y ago
  Right, I work to keep my identity small and to be adaptable. Making things "always about you" is seeing the world through that identity tainted lens and positioning the world as if you are the center. I instead try to be observational and LARP into any situation as if I'm in an improv show.
- TedDoesntTalk 5y ago
  Whatever has the nature to arise will also pass away.
- maybevain 5y ago
  Aside, but for those like me who can't help but wonder: EBT (I believe) stands for electronic benefit transfer, apparently an electronic payment method issued by welfare departments in the USA.
  - MandieD 5y ago
    Yes - it is the successor of food stamps. Every time I’m back home and see someone ahead of me paying with it, I say a prayer of thanks that I’ve never had to make do with it and another prayer that I never will.
- roystonvassey 5y ago
  "What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the current state of affairs." Absolutely. It is definitely hard to cut through all the fluff when we are emotional but this realization has helped me so many times and, this applies not just at work. Just as we are going through these states and the self-awareness is important, it helps to also realize that others are transiting too through these different states. I'm reminded of an another thought that was shared here a while back that I try to remember often: “Life is mostly froth and bubble, Two things stand like stone. Kindness in another's trouble, Courage in your own.” ― Adam Lindsay Gordon
- aomobile 5y ago
  I think the homeless don’t scare people necessarily because they are a what-might-be but rather because of being a what-is. In the us you might get a bad conscience if you see a homeless person but hey at least your salary is good. In Europe we pay so many taxes that it feels a bit different.
  - OneTimePetes 5y ago
    In europe i feel anger on the state whos employees failed to rectify a situation i paid and worked hard so nobody has to experience it.
- V-2 5y ago
  "As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states." This sounds neat, but once you set the states aside - what's left? :) Who's that person? Our identity is a sum of these states. The rest (navigating through states) is an illusion. Just like movement in a video is an illusion created by consecutive frames. The sense of continuity is a magic trick. I could agree that some (perhaps most, who knows) self-identifications are unnecessary and burdening, toxic even. And possibly cost more than the value they bring into our life, especially since we tend to cling on to them for too long. "This too shall pass", if meant as a universal motto, isn't an attitude that would inevitably stem from this observation, though (in my view). Say, being a parent is also a phase, in a way, it's just a state of my life and personhood. Not the essence of myself. But I do care about my son nevertheless. This makes me more vulnerable and potentially frustrated, but well, that's what constitutes being a person. "What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the current state of affairs" That's no different from what we're happy about, etc. Without personhood all is just an enormous cloud of elementary particles floating in the dark
  - dr_dshiv 5y ago
    > Without personhood all is just an enormous cloud of elementary particles floating in the dark I don't understand. Dropping personhood and ego doesn't mean dropping feeling, wisdom or meaning. In fact, it is precisely when the ego is dissolved that we can feel most meaningfully connected to ultimate reality. Our personhood is not what makes raw matter ("elementary particles floating in the dark") vibrant, alive and coherent. Personhood is a very useful social-cognitive illusion but, when dropped, the world tends to become richer not more empty. Nah?
    - loopz 5y ago
      Your understanding is ultimately for you, an illusion, but also a convenient and necessary part of life.
    - momirlan 5y ago
      Totally agree.
throwaway98797 5y ago
Fragility comes from insecurity. Insecurity is both objective and subjective. On different days you may feel more or less secure. To not care too much about yourself is the first step. The world is what it is and our desires are just that. Desires. Easy to forget that the world owes or cares. It does not. Luckily it does not care about anyone else. We only have this life to live. “We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.” —Confucius
- psychomugs 5y ago
  "Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now" - Victor Frankl
- drewcoo 5y ago
  Throw-away deepities. https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Deepity https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Deepity
  - abbub 5y ago
    I love that the 'deepities' wiki page has a link to the page on Deepak Chopra... lol
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
- yesenadam 5y ago
  I don't think that's Confucius. Doesn't sound like him, can't find any source mentioned online. It appears in a lot of places online, like fake quotes do, but no reputable places, and never with a source.
- andrewmcwatters 5y ago
  What do you mean by "fragility?"
  - dumpsterdiver 5y ago
drummer 5y ago
Interesting how the author avoided sex and intimacy in his "list of common universal needs".
- Swenrekcah 5y ago
  The list is “common” not “comprehensive”.
  - echlebek 5y ago
    The uncommon need for sex and intimacy?
    - panzagl 5y ago
      At work, yes.
      - echlebek 5y ago
        Fair enough!
    - EricE 5y ago
      In public or interacting with co workers? I would hope sex would be uncommon in those situations!
- mcguire 5y ago
  "Here’s a link of commonly unmet universal needs at work:" 1. Commonly unmet. 2. At work.
  - mensetmanusman 5y ago
    This reminds me of a conversation I overheard regarding legality of sex work. Apparently the individual was in favor of it, but when asked about hybrid options, where a administrative assistant would be available for office support and sex, they weren’t quite able to explain why that should be illegal.
courtf 5y ago
Counterpoint: enlightenment is overrated and life is meant to be taken personally. In some senses, it is a bit cowardly to run away from the current moment we live in by stepping back and viewing the big picture too often. "Negative" emotions and experiences are valid parts of life. Anger, anxiety, fear etc are all part of being a human being and have evolved over billions of years to reach their current forms. We may not always enjoy these parts of life, but avoiding them completely would mean stunting ourselves. Learning to observe and not react to the complex interplay of emotional states that constantly dance across our consciousness is a powerful tool, but you cannot survive inside the epiphany. We all must descend back into the messy day-to-day needs of maintaining our bodies, no one is actually the Buddha. I think we should all have more patience with inability to behave appropriately under all circumstances, because we will all fall short of grace. "Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."
- qqtt 5y ago
  I agree. A lot of discussion and these philosophical quotes about living tend to want to inspire you to rebel against your nature. Think abstractly. Think rationally. Make the right decisions (for some value of "right"). But people aren't really wired like this. Maybe rebelling against your nature is the "right" choice, but maybe just living your life isn't so bad either. Take things personally. Don't take things personally. Be angry, be frustrated. Get depressed. Also, be happy sometimes. You only have one life. The guy who never gets angry is going to the same place as the guy who fully feels those emotions. Maybe one will be less productive at a certain point in time than the other, but does it matter? These cosmic balance scale games are at the end of the day silly and superfluous.
  - courtf 5y ago
    It's always a bit fraught to bring up the upsides of irrationality and potentially dangerous/destructive emotions and impulses. Bukowski didn't win a lot of popularity contests. I agree with what you've said here though. We may be abstracting the conversation beyond the limits of what is appropriate in the workplace here, but I tend to think the workplace should and could be a more relaxed space if we were more patient with the negative emotions of others. At least for me, that starts with recognizing my own emotional states, and not always being afraid to experience them authentically.
mensetmanusman 5y ago
I don’t know if this is a mental hack or not, but I found years ago that if I mentally sing the comments (that I know would upset me otherwise), it totally removes the emotional impact of other people’s negative writing. When I was contemplating why this might be so effective, I was reminded that satire of old often involved singing to point out other peoples absurdity. When you think about how much the powerful fear humor and satire, there might be something there…
- mkaic 5y ago
  Wow, I've never heard of this before, I'm 100% trying this next time I'm in Twitter. Thanks for the tip!
- hammock 5y ago
  Love this. It reminds me of the whole "celebrities read mean tweets about themselves on Jimmy Kimmel" thing. Taking a comment out of context really blunts its power
- DangitBobby 5y ago
  Singing and speech are different processes in the brain. It has been observed that some people with a stutter can still sing without any hint of a stutter. So I wonder if your trick is a result of some sort of personality difference in left brain versus right brain. 1. https://www.stuttering.co.nz/news/why-dont-we-stutter-when-we-sing/ https://www.stuttering.co.nz/news/why-dont-we-stutter-when-w...
- bergerjac 5y ago
  When people try to insult me, sometimes instead of 'taking the insult & emotion in' ("personally")… I purposely hallucinate their words as text like closed captions.
- kubafu 5y ago
  This is exactly the kind of leverage I come to HN for, thanks!!
bittercynic 5y ago
Full article: https://outline.com/2wGcn2 https://outline.com/2wGcn2
- totaldude87 5y ago
  thanks, i hate medium paywall and paywalled posts here in HN
black_13 5y ago
I really dont want to understand your poor behaviors or empathize with an abuser.
- dwaltrip 5y ago
  Without understanding, we can’t take productive action. Of course, one can instead exit the situation, which may be the right move and doesn’t require much understanding. But that is often not an option.
  - watwut 5y ago
    > Without understanding, we can’t take productive action. That is not true. You can protect against abusers without understanding them. Whether making sure you respond (so that you are not attractive target) or leaving or going public or retaliating. But, victims who believe they need to understand and emphasize with them end up excusing abusers, blaming themselves and end up perpetual victims.
    - dwaltrip 5y ago
      That’s a good point. And for victims that may be the best way to move forward. However, beyond helping any victims — which is incredibly important and should be the first priority — the type of productive actions we can take are limited if we don’t have understanding of what is going on.
    - wnoise 5y ago
      > You can protect against abusers without understanding them. You can, but not as fully nor as well. > Whether making sure you respond (so that you are not attractive target) You have to know that responding indeed doesn't make you an attractive target. Which varies depending on the motives of the abuser. Some are looking for a response, where the cruelty is the point. > or leaving or going public or retaliating. All of these may or may not be helpful. The first two largely based on power relations and PR. But the last is vitally dependent on the reactions of the abuser -- and again understanding the abuser is needed to predict whether that's a useful response.
whoomp12342 5y ago
This article has a paywall. I will not take this personally and just not read it.
scns 5y ago
When i read the headline, i immediately thought of a talk [0] by a belgian actor who worked as a football (soccer) referee in an amateur league to learn this. Not a fan of videos but glad i watched it. [0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnJwH_PZXnM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnJwH_PZXnM
tomcooks 5y ago
I highly suggest books on stoicism by William B Irwine if you want to learn simple ways not to take things personally, a true gem of an author. https://www.williambirvine.com/books https://www.williambirvine.com/books
sammalloy 5y ago
> Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need > When you notice a negative emotion in someone, get curious about what that emotion might be — and try to uncover the unmet need that accompanies it. ‘Are you feeling X because you’re needing Y?’. I have a sense that this practice could change the world and make life better for everyone. I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it.
- BeetleB 5y ago
  > I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it. Short answer: Critical mass Long answer: Probably will never hit critical mass. This is very hard to do on the fly and requires a lot of practice.
- TameAntelope 5y ago
  I just don't know what to do once I feel I've figured out their unmet needs and it's something they shouldn't need...
  - sethammons 5y ago
    In non-violent communication, the needs (broadly) are: connection, physical well being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning. Hard to argue against someone needing those. https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
    - TameAntelope 5y ago
      Autonomy for an employee who makes bad decisions when left alone is hard to provide, for example.
      - sethammons 5y ago
        That's part of being a senior, leader, and/or manager. Their need doesn't go away. You work with the employee around how much of any of the following are appropriate: choice freedom, independence, space, and/or spontaneity. You help them grow. If the need can't be met because of mental issues, that is different.
kr15 5y ago
fuck this coach and his advices. i wont have any empathy to an angry shouting asshole. my anxiety and insecurity come not from my problems, but from working with such asshole. this is one big "forgive a sociopath" article. fuck sociopaths especially fucking narcissists, god i hate them.
zz865 5y ago
The problem I'm getting as I get older I'm starting to overshoot and not care about anyone's opinions, turning into a grumpy old man who doesnt care any more. :)
- nemo44x 5y ago
  I think that’s normal. You eventually get enough experience you can’t be bullshitted much anymore and bullshit is everywhere it turns out.
  - zz865 5y ago
    > bullshit is everywhere it turns out First true thing I've seen online in months. :)
- draw_down 5y ago
  It is what it is, as the old saying goes.
- cgtyoder 5y ago
  I have definitely seen that happen before. It's good that you are at least noticing it! If you want to move out of that mindset, talking to a counselor of some sort is probably going to be useful. Change is hard, but it can happen. Good luck.
ljm 5y ago
I scanned the page for 'empathy' and there was not a single mention of it. 'Emotional generosity', the thing at the start of the article, doesn't count. I don't know where that language came from but it doesn't sound empathetic, it sounds transactional. I don't really care for what else the author has to say, having understood that
- exo-pla-net 5y ago
  This article about a forest doesn't mention the word "tree". I'll be looking for lumber elsewhere, thank you very much.
- ogre_magi 5y ago
  The entire article is about empathizing with others...
  - smackeyacky 5y ago
    Its more a guide for pandering to the narcicissts who infect our lives and make us miserable. If you find yourself having to perform these rituals in the workspace, stop yourself. When dealing with emotionally damaged people who never made it to fully functional adult, speak to them in a monotone and don't engage with the emotional manipulation they are attempting. This will confuse them, then enrage them, then finally they will admit defeat. Do not pander to the emotionally manipulative person ever.
    - exo-pla-net 5y ago
      Do not empathize with people who are damaged or unsophisticated! Instead, enrage them. Exploit their weakness to break them and bend them to your will. -Jesus
      - smackeyacky 5y ago
        Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If I spent my life being a histrionic dick, I would fully expect to be treated in a way that minimised the damage I could do to other people. Containing and minimising the narcissist in the workplace is the only way to remain sane. Try working with one and use the principles in the thread article and see how it works out. I've tried it, the consequences were brutal.
dolores_tyrion 5y ago
My problem is taking things personally is what motivates me to do things, because of it I'm always stressed or anxious , the social points author mentioning is reasonable but for me its hard to separate things, which to take personally?, which not to take personally?, because the opposite party is commenting my o/p. The authors mind is what i imagine a peaceful mind look like, ``` yeah i want to be like that someday?```, but its hard to avoid the triggers, like if my manager arrange meeting with me for certain time, but always late for meeting, so i can imagine two things 1) he does not give enough important for the meeting with me (because on customer meeting he is on time) 2) he is lazy most of the time but on customer meetings he comes on time, so i have to imagine him being lazy so by the article's point i have to choose 2nd point so i don't take it personally, but my mind knows I'm a subordinate and not as important as client, or he is comfortable with me --------- above is how my mind try to reason to take it personally, :-) could someone suggest how to escape it?
- genezeta 5y ago
  I don't know if this may help you or not, but... Let's pick that example of the manager and arriving on time. You have built two scenarios. In the first one you are "less important", in the second they are "lazy". I can see a couple of problems here. The most immediate one is that there exist other possible scenarios. These may go from one extreme to another. I mean, I could imagine your manager being "evil", doing it on purpose to assert their authority over you, to make you feel who is the boss. I could also imagine some other extreme where your manager is giving you leeway for you to be the one who calls the meeting; they give you time to prepare or to tell them when you're ready. These scenarios may or may not apply, of course -I do not know your situation-. But they are not impossible. And in the same way there may be other possible scenarios. The second problem derives from the fact that you focused only on those two possible scenarios. What do those two have in common? Both are negative. They put the reason for what is happening either on your manager's character flaw or on your own lack of importance. One might guess that you arrived at these scenarios by "looking for a problem". Given that you were looking for something negative, you only arrived at negative scenarios. ---- What could be done? You could avoid arriving only to negative scenarios by avoiding looking for "a problem". Looking for a problem easily ends up finding one in yourself. And then as a defence mechanism some other scenario will appear by trying to "shift the blame". In fact, your second scenario almost feels like you came up with it as a response to find a reason so that the problem is not with you but with the manager. In any case, if you start by looking for a problem you will end up finding problems. Instead you may try two different approaches. In one you force yourself to consider that the originating reason for this situation is not -or at least may not be- a negative one. You force yourself to come up with scenarios where there is a good intention or a positive motive, even if the result is one that irritates you. You don't even have to believe these scenarios are real or correct, just allow that they might be possible at least as much as the negative ones. The second approach goes one step beyond this. The idea is this one: So there are a number of possible scenarios, but you don't really know which one is the "correct" one. Ask yourself: Do you need to care? That is, does it really matter what is the real reason this happens? Sometimes you may need to care, sometimes not really. This depends on you, mostly. I mean, the delay on the meetings may be important to you but not to me. Or vice-versa. One small piece of advice here: Sometimes you may think that you do care, that it is an important matter and that you want it solved/fixed, but if you give it some calm thought you will find that you actually don't care that much. So just spend some effort here identifying what is really important and what is not so much. Either way, you may care enough to want it fixed -or at least to go further- or you may not really care that much. Now, I focused on you caring about it, but there's a second factor you should consider: Can you actually do anything about it? That is, given the various scenarios and possible reasons, can you act on any of those to change them or are they all external/out of reach to you? Now you have four possible outcomes: - You don't care that much, and you can't act on it. Then just accept it as it is and go on. You can't do anything about it but you have also learned that you really didn't care so much, so this is something which shouldn't bother you. - You don't care that much, but you could fix it. Then it's mostly a question of "choosing your battles". you'd have to see how much effort would it take to fix it and balance it with the possible benefit. The benefit will be generally small, because it's not something you really care about. Either way, if it's worth it or not, the outcome should be satisfactory. In one "you don't gain much but it didn't cost you much either", in the other "you don't fix it because it cost too much, but you didn't care so much about it anyway". - You do care and you can fix it. Then do fix it. It's all in you hands, right? - You do care but you can't fix it. This one is the problematic one. In a more stoic approach you may choose to "let it be". Accept that you can't fix it anyway so "learn to live with it". Sometimes this is enough. Thing about the meeting situation. You won't be able to change it, all the reasons you find for it are out of your control, there's nothing you can do... but you can still choose not to let it bother you. You might choose to use those minutes for something useful, like mentally preparing yourself for the meeting, or checking the list of things you want to address so you don't forget any, etc. The situation hasn't changed but you have changed what you make of it. Of course, this doesn't always work for everyone, so another approach is this: make it so you can actually fix the situation. I mean, all the possible scenarios you've thought of are... well, in your mind. So, a first step would be to investigate the situation. You may e.g. watch your manager's behaviour with other people: is it only when meeting you that he is late or is it with every co-worker/non-customer? May be it happens with some but not all? What do those do differently? Or maybe your manager is actually expecting you to remind them of the meeting? Maybe you could try doing that once and seeing how it goes? In any case, my advice would be a mixture of both approaches. Make an internal and honest effort to just accept that you cannot change some things and make the best of how things are. But still keep your attention on identifying things that you might actually be able to change. The background effect this approach has is that you learn to look for many more possible scenarios other than just "either it's a flaw with myself or I can blame it on someone else". You learn to accept that sometimes it doesn't matter that much why something is the way it is, and that you can still make something out of it, and you also learn to give "positive reasons" a change as the origin of a situation. ---- Im not really sure this can help you much, but I hope it does at least a little.
viach 5y ago
Some people can be aware of what you think their emitions are driven by and use it for manipulative reasons when you react accordingly. Probably it is a good idea to treat people as grown adults who can be responsible for their reactions whatever reasons are behind them.
d--b 5y ago
> Selfnesslessness is often driven by guilt Ugh, this is an article that tries to explain all human problems from basic formulae. While it may be interesting to know that in some cases, a variant of this may cause a variant of that, in the real world, don’t apply these blindly. There is nothing more irritating than someone telling you: “oh you’re so selfless, what do you feel guilty about?”
- jackbravo 5y ago
  It does say that this applies if they are damaging themselves by being selfless. If you only read the titles you may be missing some nice and nuanced commentary there.
qwerty456127 5y ago
Not taking anything personally is not an art, it's a basic (although not necessarily easy for everyone to develop) skill essential for healthy functioning in today society. There are so many morons and unfortunate incidents and tendencies taking place around, almost everyone is doomed to be exposed to a lot of toxicity regularly so a habit of taking everything seriously almost should be considered a disorder itself. Just switch it off. Imagine you are just seeing it on TV in a fiction movie or whatever. Stop caring about things you can't change and believing misbehaving people to be personally bad, they are just malfunctioning. Some experience of working in tech support, customer care or sales helps a lot.
hnarn 5y ago
Nothing trains you to not take things personally like being put through the ringer of modern day online dating. Forcing myself to deal with rejection hasn't been a very pleasant experience, but I'm absolutely sure I've improved because of it. As soon as you can truly and honestly accept that in the vast majority of cases, you do not have the power to change people's perception or attraction to you, it's not only liberating: you also realize that effort is better placed where you have a decent chance of actually changing the outcome. Once you understand and feel confident in what you have to offer other people, if they do not want it, what else is there to say? Nobody wants everything, and nobody can offer everything. A single human, or ten humans, is not representative of humanity. There's nothing to be sad about, it's just an interaction among millions, and you just need to find new interactions. It's based in insecurity, the need to affirm our value through other people. This is of course fundamentally human and is practically impossible to get rid of, but you don't have to assign the same value to every single human you come across in your life. You don't like every human being in the world, so why would you expect every human being to like you?
- mettamage 5y ago
  Back when I was dating (5 years ago) it was also a humbling experience. It does seem to be the case that online dating is a lot tougher. Then again, I’m old fashioned.
  - hnarn 5y ago
    I'm sure they're both humbling, it's just that I believe the massive difference in selection between men and women is exacerbated by the online experience. There are benefits and downsides to them both, I think.
- Lio 5y ago
  > Nothing trains you to not take things personally like being put through the ringer of modern day online dating. Back in the day this was worse believe me. At least you're not approaching a random stranger and their friends in a public place and then getting shot down in front of all of them. In online dating their is at least the chance that the person you approach is looking for a relationship with someone. That wasn't always the case back in the good ol' days. The conclusions are the same though. It's not personal, even when it is. Your personal worth is not predicated on what others think of you and weirdly once you know that you notice more people that do value you.
magicroot75 5y ago
I take criticism extremely personally, because I have such a internally critical view of everything that I do. I become extraordinarily hurt when someone rightly corrects me at work. Anyone have helpful tips on this?
- icelancer 5y ago
  Therapy, honestly. I can tell you the truth [0] but it's nothing you haven't heard or thought already - finding a professional that can explain it to you in a way you can connect with is what matters. [0]: Other peoples' unsolicited opinions are worth very little the overwhelming majority of the time.
tilolebo 5y ago
Notice how the way to react to all of these problems involves a mix of empathy and communication.
majkinetor 5y ago
> 10. Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need. Wow, lets completely avoid biology with that "every". Having high level of specific hormones (like parathyroid) that makes you feel negative is hardly "unmet need"...
- svat 5y ago
  They are just different perspectives, not mutually exclusive. Maybe biology means someone has a higher need for (say) security, or makes their need less easily met (resulting in more anxiety, say, than for other people in similar situations). I guess one could debate the word "driven"—if my phone fell and shattered, was this event driven by gravity, or by my dropping it, or by the fact that I were careless? Depending on the context and one's preferences one may prefer one explanations over the others, but they are not mutually exclusive; it's IMO helpful to be at least aware of these multiple perspectives.
MacroChip 5y ago
Everyone behaves the way they do because of their life experiences, the chemicals in their body, the sun radiating, etc. It's up to you to respond accordingly.
akst 5y ago
I feel a lot of this advice is only really actionable if there's trust on the other side for the other person to be comfortable with opening up to you, but also it automatically assumes the other person is in the wrong and this advice doesn't really encourage any kind of self reflection either. To know who is really in the wrong often requires readiness to self reflect and an external opinion who isn't likely to take sides. I feel it might be best to hold off before giving your coworker unsolicited advice and counselling otherwise you run the risk of making things worse by coming off tone deaf, and in worst cases as trying to gaslight them. A lot of the time you just need to accept you can't control how other people will react, most of the time you can't fix them, and it's not your job to (unless you're their manager lol). By that logic if you can't control their reactions, to the best of your ability don't let it dictate your mood too, otherwise you're letting them control your mood by proxy with their own behaviour

451 points by LoriP 5y ago

I think the world would be better if more people practiced the suggestions in this page. Many humans lack compassion. People on all sides of all issues behave due to similar fundamental reasons: fear, uncertainty, anxiety. If people looked past the superficial and helped comfort people who are unlike them in addition to those who are similar, we might be able to find solutions to more issues.

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]

zwkrt 5y ago

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the current state of affairs. If I see myself as a busy professional I might be much more aggravated by someone at the grocery store holding up the checkout line with EBT (since I am busy they must be lazy!). If I see myself as a social climber I will always be worrying if people are using me for something (since I am using them!). If I identify with my wealth I might develop some neurosis regarding the sight of the homeless (since they represent ultimate failure!). I don't believe in reincarnation but it is a helpful thought experiment to think about what benefits and drawbacks your particular incarnation of life holds and how those might be different if you were incarnated elsewhere.

mcguire 5y ago
That's interesting and well-put! I've thought for a long time that the world is, in a sense, a mirror: what you see out there is a reflection of yourself. A social climber worrying about being used is a part of that I hadn't considered before.
- scns 5y ago
  In psychology it is called projection.
- dQw4w9WgXcQ 5y ago
  There's many degrees of accuracy for truth that have nothing to do with ourselves. What you see and experience generally can reach a high level of accuracy -> "He is already an L6 by 30." It is the motives and reasons behind events that are most subject to gap filling with our personal experiences "He must be climbing the corporate ladder." When the Bible (via Jesus) speaks about judging, it is referring to being cautious with assessing motives, not drawing conclusions about factual happenings.
SkipperCat 5y ago
So true. I read an article ago where they studied aging and they found that everything about a person degrades, eyesight, strength, cognition, etc with the exception of impulse control and patience. As you age, you mellow out and are less tethered to knee jerk reactions. For me, as someone approaching 'early geezerdom', I see it in my work interactions. What used to bother me, I can now let pass.
- scns 5y ago
  This progress can be be sped up with meditation.
  - datameta 5y ago
    Sans side-effects of aging, of course.
foobiekr 5y ago
I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization but instead I will identify as just being the thing that passes through different states of being. They're kind of the same thing, but I'd feel less weird saying it the way you did.
- only_as_i_fall 5y ago
  You could just be depressed
- packetlost 5y ago
  That's me, except I'm in my early-mid 20s and I've always been like that. I describe it as being 'the opposite of neurotic' in a psychological sense.
  - dennis_jeeves 5y ago
    You are way ahead of the crowd, take care.
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
- scns 5y ago
  Aristoteles wrote this is the goal IIRC. In buddhism they aim for something similar, neither being swayed by your desires nor fears, stay calm enables being able to act instead only reacting to external stimuli on autopilot. Nothing wrong with it IMSO.
  - jetrink 5y ago
    > IMSO In my stoic opinion?
minikites 5y ago
Your comment is very well put and reminds me of this quote from Boethius: >It's my belief that history is a wheel. "Inconsistency is my very essence" -says the wheel- "Rise up on my spokes if you like, but don't complain when you are cast back down into the depths. Good times pass away, but then so do the bad. Mutability is our tragedy, but it is also our hope. The worst of times, like the best, are always passing away".
BurningFrog 5y ago
This is a common development for men as we get older. I could write something similar. I'd like to think I'm maturing and becoming wise. But I suspect it's really the falling testosterone levels that come with age...
- moneywoes 5y ago
  Have you considered supplementation
annamargot 5y ago
Self-awareness is how I look at it. And it is finally taking hold with age :) I can better manage my emotions by simply being able to recognize them almost from an outsider’s perspective. My inner monologue switches to 3rd person “Yeah you’re feeling super irritable right now, you better go chill out somewhere before you say something you don’t mean and then create a whole big thing for no reason” Younger me would have started some shit and created unnecessary problems
- jasonladuke0311 5y ago
  This is similar to how I approach cognitive biases; I cannot prevent them, as they are innate to human nature. But I posit that if I try to make myself aware of the influence of bias, it might be more managable/less impactful when it affects me.
gexla 5y ago
Right, I work to keep my identity small and to be adaptable. Making things "always about you" is seeing the world through that identity tainted lens and positioning the world as if you are the center. I instead try to be observational and LARP into any situation as if I'm in an improv show.
TedDoesntTalk 5y ago
Whatever has the nature to arise will also pass away.
maybevain 5y ago
Aside, but for those like me who can't help but wonder: EBT (I believe) stands for electronic benefit transfer, apparently an electronic payment method issued by welfare departments in the USA.
- MandieD 5y ago
  Yes - it is the successor of food stamps. Every time I’m back home and see someone ahead of me paying with it, I say a prayer of thanks that I’ve never had to make do with it and another prayer that I never will.
roystonvassey 5y ago
"What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the current state of affairs." Absolutely. It is definitely hard to cut through all the fluff when we are emotional but this realization has helped me so many times and, this applies not just at work. Just as we are going through these states and the self-awareness is important, it helps to also realize that others are transiting too through these different states. I'm reminded of an another thought that was shared here a while back that I try to remember often: “Life is mostly froth and bubble, Two things stand like stone. Kindness in another's trouble, Courage in your own.” ― Adam Lindsay Gordon
aomobile 5y ago
I think the homeless don’t scare people necessarily because they are a what-might-be but rather because of being a what-is. In the us you might get a bad conscience if you see a homeless person but hey at least your salary is good. In Europe we pay so many taxes that it feels a bit different.
- OneTimePetes 5y ago
  In europe i feel anger on the state whos employees failed to rectify a situation i paid and worked hard so nobody has to experience it.
V-2 5y ago
"As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states." This sounds neat, but once you set the states aside - what's left? :) Who's that person? Our identity is a sum of these states. The rest (navigating through states) is an illusion. Just like movement in a video is an illusion created by consecutive frames. The sense of continuity is a magic trick. I could agree that some (perhaps most, who knows) self-identifications are unnecessary and burdening, toxic even. And possibly cost more than the value they bring into our life, especially since we tend to cling on to them for too long. "This too shall pass", if meant as a universal motto, isn't an attitude that would inevitably stem from this observation, though (in my view). Say, being a parent is also a phase, in a way, it's just a state of my life and personhood. Not the essence of myself. But I do care about my son nevertheless. This makes me more vulnerable and potentially frustrated, but well, that's what constitutes being a person. "What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the current state of affairs" That's no different from what we're happy about, etc. Without personhood all is just an enormous cloud of elementary particles floating in the dark
- dr_dshiv 5y ago
  > Without personhood all is just an enormous cloud of elementary particles floating in the dark I don't understand. Dropping personhood and ego doesn't mean dropping feeling, wisdom or meaning. In fact, it is precisely when the ego is dissolved that we can feel most meaningfully connected to ultimate reality. Our personhood is not what makes raw matter ("elementary particles floating in the dark") vibrant, alive and coherent. Personhood is a very useful social-cognitive illusion but, when dropped, the world tends to become richer not more empty. Nah?
  - loopz 5y ago
    Your understanding is ultimately for you, an illusion, but also a convenient and necessary part of life.
  - momirlan 5y ago
    Totally agree.

throwaway98797 5y ago

Fragility comes from insecurity. Insecurity is both objective and subjective. On different days you may feel more or less secure. To not care too much about yourself is the first step. The world is what it is and our desires are just that. Desires. Easy to forget that the world owes or cares. It does not. Luckily it does not care about anyone else. We only have this life to live. “We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.” —Confucius

psychomugs 5y ago
"Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now" - Victor Frankl
drewcoo 5y ago
Throw-away deepities. https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Deepity https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Deepity
- abbub 5y ago
  I love that the 'deepities' wiki page has a link to the page on Deepak Chopra... lol
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
yesenadam 5y ago
I don't think that's Confucius. Doesn't sound like him, can't find any source mentioned online. It appears in a lot of places online, like fake quotes do, but no reputable places, and never with a source.
andrewmcwatters 5y ago
What do you mean by "fragility?"
- dumpsterdiver 5y ago

drummer 5y ago

Interesting how the author avoided sex and intimacy in his "list of common universal needs".

Swenrekcah 5y ago
The list is “common” not “comprehensive”.
- echlebek 5y ago
  The uncommon need for sex and intimacy?
  - panzagl 5y ago
    At work, yes.
    - echlebek 5y ago
      Fair enough!
  - EricE 5y ago
    In public or interacting with co workers? I would hope sex would be uncommon in those situations!
mcguire 5y ago
"Here’s a link of commonly unmet universal needs at work:" 1. Commonly unmet. 2. At work.
- mensetmanusman 5y ago
  This reminds me of a conversation I overheard regarding legality of sex work. Apparently the individual was in favor of it, but when asked about hybrid options, where a administrative assistant would be available for office support and sex, they weren’t quite able to explain why that should be illegal.

courtf 5y ago

Counterpoint: enlightenment is overrated and life is meant to be taken personally. In some senses, it is a bit cowardly to run away from the current moment we live in by stepping back and viewing the big picture too often. "Negative" emotions and experiences are valid parts of life. Anger, anxiety, fear etc are all part of being a human being and have evolved over billions of years to reach their current forms. We may not always enjoy these parts of life, but avoiding them completely would mean stunting ourselves. Learning to observe and not react to the complex interplay of emotional states that constantly dance across our consciousness is a powerful tool, but you cannot survive inside the epiphany. We all must descend back into the messy day-to-day needs of maintaining our bodies, no one is actually the Buddha. I think we should all have more patience with inability to behave appropriately under all circumstances, because we will all fall short of grace. "Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."

qqtt 5y ago
I agree. A lot of discussion and these philosophical quotes about living tend to want to inspire you to rebel against your nature. Think abstractly. Think rationally. Make the right decisions (for some value of "right"). But people aren't really wired like this. Maybe rebelling against your nature is the "right" choice, but maybe just living your life isn't so bad either. Take things personally. Don't take things personally. Be angry, be frustrated. Get depressed. Also, be happy sometimes. You only have one life. The guy who never gets angry is going to the same place as the guy who fully feels those emotions. Maybe one will be less productive at a certain point in time than the other, but does it matter? These cosmic balance scale games are at the end of the day silly and superfluous.
- courtf 5y ago
  It's always a bit fraught to bring up the upsides of irrationality and potentially dangerous/destructive emotions and impulses. Bukowski didn't win a lot of popularity contests. I agree with what you've said here though. We may be abstracting the conversation beyond the limits of what is appropriate in the workplace here, but I tend to think the workplace should and could be a more relaxed space if we were more patient with the negative emotions of others. At least for me, that starts with recognizing my own emotional states, and not always being afraid to experience them authentically.

mensetmanusman 5y ago

I don’t know if this is a mental hack or not, but I found years ago that if I mentally sing the comments (that I know would upset me otherwise), it totally removes the emotional impact of other people’s negative writing. When I was contemplating why this might be so effective, I was reminded that satire of old often involved singing to point out other peoples absurdity. When you think about how much the powerful fear humor and satire, there might be something there…

mkaic 5y ago
Wow, I've never heard of this before, I'm 100% trying this next time I'm in Twitter. Thanks for the tip!
hammock 5y ago
Love this. It reminds me of the whole "celebrities read mean tweets about themselves on Jimmy Kimmel" thing. Taking a comment out of context really blunts its power
DangitBobby 5y ago
Singing and speech are different processes in the brain. It has been observed that some people with a stutter can still sing without any hint of a stutter. So I wonder if your trick is a result of some sort of personality difference in left brain versus right brain. 1. https://www.stuttering.co.nz/news/why-dont-we-stutter-when-we-sing/ https://www.stuttering.co.nz/news/why-dont-we-stutter-when-w...
bergerjac 5y ago
When people try to insult me, sometimes instead of 'taking the insult & emotion in' ("personally")… I purposely hallucinate their words as text like closed captions.
kubafu 5y ago
This is exactly the kind of leverage I come to HN for, thanks!!

bittercynic 5y ago

Full article: https://outline.com/2wGcn2 https://outline.com/2wGcn2

totaldude87 5y ago
thanks, i hate medium paywall and paywalled posts here in HN

black_13 5y ago

I really dont want to understand your poor behaviors or empathize with an abuser.

dwaltrip 5y ago
Without understanding, we can’t take productive action. Of course, one can instead exit the situation, which may be the right move and doesn’t require much understanding. But that is often not an option.
- watwut 5y ago
  > Without understanding, we can’t take productive action. That is not true. You can protect against abusers without understanding them. Whether making sure you respond (so that you are not attractive target) or leaving or going public or retaliating. But, victims who believe they need to understand and emphasize with them end up excusing abusers, blaming themselves and end up perpetual victims.
  - dwaltrip 5y ago
    That’s a good point. And for victims that may be the best way to move forward. However, beyond helping any victims — which is incredibly important and should be the first priority — the type of productive actions we can take are limited if we don’t have understanding of what is going on.
  - wnoise 5y ago
    > You can protect against abusers without understanding them. You can, but not as fully nor as well. > Whether making sure you respond (so that you are not attractive target) You have to know that responding indeed doesn't make you an attractive target. Which varies depending on the motives of the abuser. Some are looking for a response, where the cruelty is the point. > or leaving or going public or retaliating. All of these may or may not be helpful. The first two largely based on power relations and PR. But the last is vitally dependent on the reactions of the abuser -- and again understanding the abuser is needed to predict whether that's a useful response.

whoomp12342 5y ago

This article has a paywall. I will not take this personally and just not read it.

scns 5y ago

When i read the headline, i immediately thought of a talk [0] by a belgian actor who worked as a football (soccer) referee in an amateur league to learn this. Not a fan of videos but glad i watched it. [0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnJwH_PZXnM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnJwH_PZXnM

tomcooks 5y ago

I highly suggest books on stoicism by William B Irwine if you want to learn simple ways not to take things personally, a true gem of an author. https://www.williambirvine.com/books https://www.williambirvine.com/books

sammalloy 5y ago

> Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need > When you notice a negative emotion in someone, get curious about what that emotion might be — and try to uncover the unmet need that accompanies it. ‘Are you feeling X because you’re needing Y?’. I have a sense that this practice could change the world and make life better for everyone. I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it.

BeetleB 5y ago
> I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it. Short answer: Critical mass Long answer: Probably will never hit critical mass. This is very hard to do on the fly and requires a lot of practice.
TameAntelope 5y ago
I just don't know what to do once I feel I've figured out their unmet needs and it's something they shouldn't need...
- sethammons 5y ago
  In non-violent communication, the needs (broadly) are: connection, physical well being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning. Hard to argue against someone needing those. https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
  - TameAntelope 5y ago
    Autonomy for an employee who makes bad decisions when left alone is hard to provide, for example.
    - sethammons 5y ago
      That's part of being a senior, leader, and/or manager. Their need doesn't go away. You work with the employee around how much of any of the following are appropriate: choice freedom, independence, space, and/or spontaneity. You help them grow. If the need can't be met because of mental issues, that is different.

kr15 5y ago

fuck this coach and his advices. i wont have any empathy to an angry shouting asshole. my anxiety and insecurity come not from my problems, but from working with such asshole. this is one big "forgive a sociopath" article. fuck sociopaths especially fucking narcissists, god i hate them.

zz865 5y ago

The problem I'm getting as I get older I'm starting to overshoot and not care about anyone's opinions, turning into a grumpy old man who doesnt care any more. :)

nemo44x 5y ago
I think that’s normal. You eventually get enough experience you can’t be bullshitted much anymore and bullshit is everywhere it turns out.
- zz865 5y ago
  > bullshit is everywhere it turns out First true thing I've seen online in months. :)
draw_down 5y ago
It is what it is, as the old saying goes.
cgtyoder 5y ago
I have definitely seen that happen before. It's good that you are at least noticing it! If you want to move out of that mindset, talking to a counselor of some sort is probably going to be useful. Change is hard, but it can happen. Good luck.

ljm 5y ago

I scanned the page for 'empathy' and there was not a single mention of it. 'Emotional generosity', the thing at the start of the article, doesn't count. I don't know where that language came from but it doesn't sound empathetic, it sounds transactional. I don't really care for what else the author has to say, having understood that

exo-pla-net 5y ago
This article about a forest doesn't mention the word "tree". I'll be looking for lumber elsewhere, thank you very much.
ogre_magi 5y ago
The entire article is about empathizing with others...
- smackeyacky 5y ago
  Its more a guide for pandering to the narcicissts who infect our lives and make us miserable. If you find yourself having to perform these rituals in the workspace, stop yourself. When dealing with emotionally damaged people who never made it to fully functional adult, speak to them in a monotone and don't engage with the emotional manipulation they are attempting. This will confuse them, then enrage them, then finally they will admit defeat. Do not pander to the emotionally manipulative person ever.
  - exo-pla-net 5y ago
    Do not empathize with people who are damaged or unsophisticated! Instead, enrage them. Exploit their weakness to break them and bend them to your will. -Jesus
    - smackeyacky 5y ago
      Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If I spent my life being a histrionic dick, I would fully expect to be treated in a way that minimised the damage I could do to other people. Containing and minimising the narcissist in the workplace is the only way to remain sane. Try working with one and use the principles in the thread article and see how it works out. I've tried it, the consequences were brutal.

dolores_tyrion 5y ago

My problem is taking things personally is what motivates me to do things, because of it I'm always stressed or anxious , the social points author mentioning is reasonable but for me its hard to separate things, which to take personally?, which not to take personally?, because the opposite party is commenting my o/p. The authors mind is what i imagine a peaceful mind look like, ``` yeah i want to be like that someday?```, but its hard to avoid the triggers, like if my manager arrange meeting with me for certain time, but always late for meeting, so i can imagine two things 1) he does not give enough important for the meeting with me (because on customer meeting he is on time) 2) he is lazy most of the time but on customer meetings he comes on time, so i have to imagine him being lazy so by the article's point i have to choose 2nd point so i don't take it personally, but my mind knows I'm a subordinate and not as important as client, or he is comfortable with me --------- above is how my mind try to reason to take it personally, :-) could someone suggest how to escape it?

genezeta 5y ago
I don't know if this may help you or not, but... Let's pick that example of the manager and arriving on time. You have built two scenarios. In the first one you are "less important", in the second they are "lazy". I can see a couple of problems here. The most immediate one is that there exist other possible scenarios. These may go from one extreme to another. I mean, I could imagine your manager being "evil", doing it on purpose to assert their authority over you, to make you feel who is the boss. I could also imagine some other extreme where your manager is giving you leeway for you to be the one who calls the meeting; they give you time to prepare or to tell them when you're ready. These scenarios may or may not apply, of course -I do not know your situation-. But they are not impossible. And in the same way there may be other possible scenarios. The second problem derives from the fact that you focused only on those two possible scenarios. What do those two have in common? Both are negative. They put the reason for what is happening either on your manager's character flaw or on your own lack of importance. One might guess that you arrived at these scenarios by "looking for a problem". Given that you were looking for something negative, you only arrived at negative scenarios. ---- What could be done? You could avoid arriving only to negative scenarios by avoiding looking for "a problem". Looking for a problem easily ends up finding one in yourself. And then as a defence mechanism some other scenario will appear by trying to "shift the blame". In fact, your second scenario almost feels like you came up with it as a response to find a reason so that the problem is not with you but with the manager. In any case, if you start by looking for a problem you will end up finding problems. Instead you may try two different approaches. In one you force yourself to consider that the originating reason for this situation is not -or at least may not be- a negative one. You force yourself to come up with scenarios where there is a good intention or a positive motive, even if the result is one that irritates you. You don't even have to believe these scenarios are real or correct, just allow that they might be possible at least as much as the negative ones. The second approach goes one step beyond this. The idea is this one: So there are a number of possible scenarios, but you don't really know which one is the "correct" one. Ask yourself: Do you need to care? That is, does it really matter what is the real reason this happens? Sometimes you may need to care, sometimes not really. This depends on you, mostly. I mean, the delay on the meetings may be important to you but not to me. Or vice-versa. One small piece of advice here: Sometimes you may think that you do care, that it is an important matter and that you want it solved/fixed, but if you give it some calm thought you will find that you actually don't care that much. So just spend some effort here identifying what is really important and what is not so much. Either way, you may care enough to want it fixed -or at least to go further- or you may not really care that much. Now, I focused on you caring about it, but there's a second factor you should consider: Can you actually do anything about it? That is, given the various scenarios and possible reasons, can you act on any of those to change them or are they all external/out of reach to you? Now you have four possible outcomes: - You don't care that much, and you can't act on it. Then just accept it as it is and go on. You can't do anything about it but you have also learned that you really didn't care so much, so this is something which shouldn't bother you. - You don't care that much, but you could fix it. Then it's mostly a question of "choosing your battles". you'd have to see how much effort would it take to fix it and balance it with the possible benefit. The benefit will be generally small, because it's not something you really care about. Either way, if it's worth it or not, the outcome should be satisfactory. In one "you don't gain much but it didn't cost you much either", in the other "you don't fix it because it cost too much, but you didn't care so much about it anyway". - You do care and you can fix it. Then do fix it. It's all in you hands, right? - You do care but you can't fix it. This one is the problematic one. In a more stoic approach you may choose to "let it be". Accept that you can't fix it anyway so "learn to live with it". Sometimes this is enough. Thing about the meeting situation. You won't be able to change it, all the reasons you find for it are out of your control, there's nothing you can do... but you can still choose not to let it bother you. You might choose to use those minutes for something useful, like mentally preparing yourself for the meeting, or checking the list of things you want to address so you don't forget any, etc. The situation hasn't changed but you have changed what you make of it. Of course, this doesn't always work for everyone, so another approach is this: make it so you can actually fix the situation. I mean, all the possible scenarios you've thought of are... well, in your mind. So, a first step would be to investigate the situation. You may e.g. watch your manager's behaviour with other people: is it only when meeting you that he is late or is it with every co-worker/non-customer? May be it happens with some but not all? What do those do differently? Or maybe your manager is actually expecting you to remind them of the meeting? Maybe you could try doing that once and seeing how it goes? In any case, my advice would be a mixture of both approaches. Make an internal and honest effort to just accept that you cannot change some things and make the best of how things are. But still keep your attention on identifying things that you might actually be able to change. The background effect this approach has is that you learn to look for many more possible scenarios other than just "either it's a flaw with myself or I can blame it on someone else". You learn to accept that sometimes it doesn't matter that much why something is the way it is, and that you can still make something out of it, and you also learn to give "positive reasons" a change as the origin of a situation. ---- Im not really sure this can help you much, but I hope it does at least a little.

viach 5y ago

Some people can be aware of what you think their emitions are driven by and use it for manipulative reasons when you react accordingly. Probably it is a good idea to treat people as grown adults who can be responsible for their reactions whatever reasons are behind them.

d--b 5y ago

> Selfnesslessness is often driven by guilt Ugh, this is an article that tries to explain all human problems from basic formulae. While it may be interesting to know that in some cases, a variant of this may cause a variant of that, in the real world, don’t apply these blindly. There is nothing more irritating than someone telling you: “oh you’re so selfless, what do you feel guilty about?”

jackbravo 5y ago
It does say that this applies if they are damaging themselves by being selfless. If you only read the titles you may be missing some nice and nuanced commentary there.

qwerty456127 5y ago

Not taking anything personally is not an art, it's a basic (although not necessarily easy for everyone to develop) skill essential for healthy functioning in today society. There are so many morons and unfortunate incidents and tendencies taking place around, almost everyone is doomed to be exposed to a lot of toxicity regularly so a habit of taking everything seriously almost should be considered a disorder itself. Just switch it off. Imagine you are just seeing it on TV in a fiction movie or whatever. Stop caring about things you can't change and believing misbehaving people to be personally bad, they are just malfunctioning. Some experience of working in tech support, customer care or sales helps a lot.

hnarn 5y ago

Nothing trains you to not take things personally like being put through the ringer of modern day online dating. Forcing myself to deal with rejection hasn't been a very pleasant experience, but I'm absolutely sure I've improved because of it. As soon as you can truly and honestly accept that in the vast majority of cases, you do not have the power to change people's perception or attraction to you, it's not only liberating: you also realize that effort is better placed where you have a decent chance of actually changing the outcome. Once you understand and feel confident in what you have to offer other people, if they do not want it, what else is there to say? Nobody wants everything, and nobody can offer everything. A single human, or ten humans, is not representative of humanity. There's nothing to be sad about, it's just an interaction among millions, and you just need to find new interactions. It's based in insecurity, the need to affirm our value through other people. This is of course fundamentally human and is practically impossible to get rid of, but you don't have to assign the same value to every single human you come across in your life. You don't like every human being in the world, so why would you expect every human being to like you?

mettamage 5y ago
Back when I was dating (5 years ago) it was also a humbling experience. It does seem to be the case that online dating is a lot tougher. Then again, I’m old fashioned.
- hnarn 5y ago
  I'm sure they're both humbling, it's just that I believe the massive difference in selection between men and women is exacerbated by the online experience. There are benefits and downsides to them both, I think.
Lio 5y ago
> Nothing trains you to not take things personally like being put through the ringer of modern day online dating. Back in the day this was worse believe me. At least you're not approaching a random stranger and their friends in a public place and then getting shot down in front of all of them. In online dating their is at least the chance that the person you approach is looking for a relationship with someone. That wasn't always the case back in the good ol' days. The conclusions are the same though. It's not personal, even when it is. Your personal worth is not predicated on what others think of you and weirdly once you know that you notice more people that do value you.

magicroot75 5y ago

I take criticism extremely personally, because I have such a internally critical view of everything that I do. I become extraordinarily hurt when someone rightly corrects me at work. Anyone have helpful tips on this?

icelancer 5y ago
Therapy, honestly. I can tell you the truth [0] but it's nothing you haven't heard or thought already - finding a professional that can explain it to you in a way you can connect with is what matters. [0]: Other peoples' unsolicited opinions are worth very little the overwhelming majority of the time.

tilolebo 5y ago

Notice how the way to react to all of these problems involves a mix of empathy and communication.

majkinetor 5y ago

> 10. Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need. Wow, lets completely avoid biology with that "every". Having high level of specific hormones (like parathyroid) that makes you feel negative is hardly "unmet need"...

svat 5y ago
They are just different perspectives, not mutually exclusive. Maybe biology means someone has a higher need for (say) security, or makes their need less easily met (resulting in more anxiety, say, than for other people in similar situations). I guess one could debate the word "driven"—if my phone fell and shattered, was this event driven by gravity, or by my dropping it, or by the fact that I were careless? Depending on the context and one's preferences one may prefer one explanations over the others, but they are not mutually exclusive; it's IMO helpful to be at least aware of these multiple perspectives.

MacroChip 5y ago

Everyone behaves the way they do because of their life experiences, the chemicals in their body, the sun radiating, etc. It's up to you to respond accordingly.

akst 5y ago

I feel a lot of this advice is only really actionable if there's trust on the other side for the other person to be comfortable with opening up to you, but also it automatically assumes the other person is in the wrong and this advice doesn't really encourage any kind of self reflection either. To know who is really in the wrong often requires readiness to self reflect and an external opinion who isn't likely to take sides. I feel it might be best to hold off before giving your coworker unsolicited advice and counselling otherwise you run the risk of making things worse by coming off tone deaf, and in worst cases as trying to gaslight them. A lot of the time you just need to accept you can't control how other people will react, most of the time you can't fix them, and it's not your job to (unless you're their manager lol). By that logic if you can't control their reactions, to the best of your ability don't let it dictate your mood too, otherwise you're letting them control your mood by proxy with their own behaviour