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You may care about someone but forget their birthday exact date one day ahead. But you care someone and forget to send a message any day during the month? That

You may care about someone but forget their birthday exact date one day ahead. But you care someone and forget to send a message any day during the month? That’s not possible, that means you don’t really care.

GrinningFool 5y ago
I've been hearing people equate forgetting with not caring for my entire life. It took me years to realize that they - and you - just can't conceive of someone who's mind operates in a way so fundamentally different from their own. So they put their values onto us, and blame us for not living up to them. I don't blame you - that level of empathy is a hard thing to find - but damn am I tired of hearing this.
- cco 5y ago
  Not trying to be judgmental here, just trying to get your take. But if one of your close friends got cancer and died a few months later, would you ever get to say goodbye to them? Given the other descriptions in this thread, it seems like you wouldn't unless they or someone they were close to reached out to you to let you know. If that was the case and I was your friend and I died with zero contact from you, I would have to strongly consider that you do not care about me and were not there for me as a friend when I needed it the most. That is how I would feel about it, but I'm curious if what I describe is a fair hypothetical and how you think about that situation.
  - kradeelav 5y ago
    Not the OP, but have forgotten birthdays, and am a classic introvert. That's a bit of an extreme take to pivot to; birthdays happen every year and if you have more than 5+ people to remember, that's a lot of days to keep in the head. Quite frankly, there's a lot of people out there (including myself) that see birthday greetings as rather meaningless - or simply not one of their love languages. (It strikes me this whole thread shows the rather diametrically different love languages of people.) Why send a card that's going to be read and tossed, realistically? I'd much rather have a meandringly long coffee chat out of the blue once every few years. Conversely, cancer is life altering enough to the point you're far more likely to hear through the grapevine of social contacts even if it's an acquaintance, let alone a close friend. There's workplace social circles, family social circles... Then you can adjust to the level of proper severity and be on hand for food assistance, longer chats knowing time is short, and so on.
  - GrinningFool 5y ago
    > That is how I would feel about it That's also an exceptional circumstance. If I had awareness of my friend's situation, I'd contact them; but that's because the urgency pushes it to the front of my mind making it something that I can't forget or postpone.
- czbond 5y ago
  I fully understand where you're coming from - there are others like you. I can fill every moment of my time usefully with learning, work, projects, hobbies, etc. I am high energy (not AD[H]D, etc] and excited about things constantly. I am task oriented first, but people oriented when they're in front of me (visually bc it causes me to focus). Heck, my parents, wife, best friends I wouldn't communicate with for weeks, months until we all learned that is my mode or if they just showed up.
czbond 5y ago
Disagree - I am an ambivert who is great when someone is visually within my sight. Terrible if that person is out of visual range. When you're out of sight, I don't know if that person exists. I have so much work, ideas, hobbies, an active mind, and things to do that the only way I can maintain a relationship is if THEY actually get a hold of me, or I see them. I noticed relationships suffering - and schedule some texts/calls... but calling is so constraining.

GrinningFool 5y ago

I've been hearing people equate forgetting with not caring for my entire life. It took me years to realize that they - and you - just can't conceive of someone who's mind operates in a way so fundamentally different from their own. So they put their values onto us, and blame us for not living up to them. I don't blame you - that level of empathy is a hard thing to find - but damn am I tired of hearing this.

cco 5y ago
Not trying to be judgmental here, just trying to get your take. But if one of your close friends got cancer and died a few months later, would you ever get to say goodbye to them? Given the other descriptions in this thread, it seems like you wouldn't unless they or someone they were close to reached out to you to let you know. If that was the case and I was your friend and I died with zero contact from you, I would have to strongly consider that you do not care about me and were not there for me as a friend when I needed it the most. That is how I would feel about it, but I'm curious if what I describe is a fair hypothetical and how you think about that situation.
- kradeelav 5y ago
  Not the OP, but have forgotten birthdays, and am a classic introvert. That's a bit of an extreme take to pivot to; birthdays happen every year and if you have more than 5+ people to remember, that's a lot of days to keep in the head. Quite frankly, there's a lot of people out there (including myself) that see birthday greetings as rather meaningless - or simply not one of their love languages. (It strikes me this whole thread shows the rather diametrically different love languages of people.) Why send a card that's going to be read and tossed, realistically? I'd much rather have a meandringly long coffee chat out of the blue once every few years. Conversely, cancer is life altering enough to the point you're far more likely to hear through the grapevine of social contacts even if it's an acquaintance, let alone a close friend. There's workplace social circles, family social circles... Then you can adjust to the level of proper severity and be on hand for food assistance, longer chats knowing time is short, and so on.
- GrinningFool 5y ago
  > That is how I would feel about it That's also an exceptional circumstance. If I had awareness of my friend's situation, I'd contact them; but that's because the urgency pushes it to the front of my mind making it something that I can't forget or postpone.
czbond 5y ago
I fully understand where you're coming from - there are others like you. I can fill every moment of my time usefully with learning, work, projects, hobbies, etc. I am high energy (not AD[H]D, etc] and excited about things constantly. I am task oriented first, but people oriented when they're in front of me (visually bc it causes me to focus). Heck, my parents, wife, best friends I wouldn't communicate with for weeks, months until we all learned that is my mode or if they just showed up.

czbond 5y ago

Disagree - I am an ambivert who is great when someone is visually within my sight. Terrible if that person is out of visual range. When you're out of sight, I don't know if that person exists. I have so much work, ideas, hobbies, an active mind, and things to do that the only way I can maintain a relationship is if THEY actually get a hold of me, or I see them. I noticed relationships suffering - and schedule some texts/calls... but calling is so constraining.