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No, that doesn't seem to match what I'm dealing with. Specifically to my situation: I help someone I've known for awhile, and afterwards I expect that it will

No, that doesn't seem to match what I'm dealing with. Specifically to my situation: I help someone I've known for awhile, and afterwards I expect that it will develop a closer working relationship of some sort in the future because they'll remember that I helped them out and that we can work together to accomplish things. What really happens is that after I've helped them, they're not interested in any collaboration anymore unless it meets their immediate needs, and definitely aren't interested in helping out if I need it in future.

markozivanovic 5y ago
That's the whole point of the 'nice guy' shtick. Doing something and expecting something in return.
- kstenerud 5y ago
  That wasn't how Robert Glover described it. Quoted from his website: Who is a Nice Guy? * He is the relative who lets his wife run the show. * He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles. * He is the guy who frustrates his wife because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved. * He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else. * He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat. * He is the dependable guy at work who will never say “no,” but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him. * He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all. ---------------- This is very different from someone who does someone else a solid, and then that person "owes him one". Someone gets you free tickets to the game, and 3 months later you get them an introduction that helps them out. It's not a 1:1 thing obviously, but there's an expectation of loose reciprocity over the years. In all relationships you have to be on the giving part at least some of the time, otherwise you're just a user. And if you're on the giving part all of the time, you're a doormat. Both are unhealthy.
1123581321 5y ago
I think you’ll be happier, and possibly more charitable, if you overtly propose collaboration or quid pro quo up front with the people you tacitly hope will reciprocate, and do the giving in situations where you honestly do not expect or want reciprocation. In both situations you’re communicating more clearly what you are doing and wanting, which helps.

markozivanovic 5y ago

That's the whole point of the 'nice guy' shtick. Doing something and expecting something in return.

kstenerud 5y ago
That wasn't how Robert Glover described it. Quoted from his website: Who is a Nice Guy? * He is the relative who lets his wife run the show. * He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles. * He is the guy who frustrates his wife because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved. * He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else. * He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat. * He is the dependable guy at work who will never say “no,” but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him. * He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all. ---------------- This is very different from someone who does someone else a solid, and then that person "owes him one". Someone gets you free tickets to the game, and 3 months later you get them an introduction that helps them out. It's not a 1:1 thing obviously, but there's an expectation of loose reciprocity over the years. In all relationships you have to be on the giving part at least some of the time, otherwise you're just a user. And if you're on the giving part all of the time, you're a doormat. Both are unhealthy.

1123581321 5y ago

I think you’ll be happier, and possibly more charitable, if you overtly propose collaboration or quid pro quo up front with the people you tacitly hope will reciprocate, and do the giving in situations where you honestly do not expect or want reciprocation. In both situations you’re communicating more clearly what you are doing and wanting, which helps.