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All I've found is that the more I help people, the more I get taken advantage of. It hasn't stopped me from helping others (although I probably should...), but

All I've found is that the more I help people, the more I get taken advantage of. It hasn't stopped me from helping others (although I probably should...), but it really galls me when they toss me aside after my usefulness to them has passed.

ehnto 5y ago
It can be tough no doubt. I like to view it as the cost of being the kind of person who helps. It takes an excess of strength to help, so you can see yourself as being strong because of that. You have an excess of capability in some dimension and you're willing to share it. Sometimes a person may take advantage of you, but that's a commentary on them, not on you.
stadium 5y ago
I can relate somewhat and found that when the foundation of the relationship is "helping," then after that need is gone, most of the time so is the relationship. I was hoping for some sort of deeper or more meaningful friendships, or sense of community. It's been hard to come by from those situations. From my side, I realized that the longing for something deeper and authentic actually made the relationship transactional and inauthentic.
jes 5y ago
For much of my life, I engaged in "Nice Guy" behavior. A common Nice Guy pattern is helping someone else with the (unstated) expectation that they will reciprocate. Glover calls it a "covert contract." I had to learn that I was doing this, and it was embarrassing to learn that I was, in fact, doing it. Google "Robert Glover" and "Nice Guy Syndrome" if you want to check whether this might have some applicability to your situation.
- kstenerud 5y ago
  No, that doesn't seem to match what I'm dealing with. Specifically to my situation: I help someone I've known for awhile, and afterwards I expect that it will develop a closer working relationship of some sort in the future because they'll remember that I helped them out and that we can work together to accomplish things. What really happens is that after I've helped them, they're not interested in any collaboration anymore unless it meets their immediate needs, and definitely aren't interested in helping out if I need it in future.
  - markozivanovic 5y ago
    That's the whole point of the 'nice guy' shtick. Doing something and expecting something in return.
    - kstenerud 5y ago
      That wasn't how Robert Glover described it. Quoted from his website: Who is a Nice Guy? * He is the relative who lets his wife run the show. * He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles. * He is the guy who frustrates his wife because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved. * He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else. * He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat. * He is the dependable guy at work who will never say “no,” but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him. * He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all. ---------------- This is very different from someone who does someone else a solid, and then that person "owes him one". Someone gets you free tickets to the game, and 3 months later you get them an introduction that helps them out. It's not a 1:1 thing obviously, but there's an expectation of loose reciprocity over the years. In all relationships you have to be on the giving part at least some of the time, otherwise you're just a user. And if you're on the giving part all of the time, you're a doormat. Both are unhealthy.
  - 1123581321 5y ago
    I think you’ll be happier, and possibly more charitable, if you overtly propose collaboration or quid pro quo up front with the people you tacitly hope will reciprocate, and do the giving in situations where you honestly do not expect or want reciprocation. In both situations you’re communicating more clearly what you are doing and wanting, which helps.
- BeetleB 5y ago
  There's not too much of a difference between what Keith Ferrazzi is saying and "Nice Guy". He's saying the more you help people, the more you'll get back. The only difference is that he's not saying that each person you help will help you back, and that you shouldn't expect they will. But the overall message in the book is that the more you help people, the more they'll help you in the long run. With that pointed out, the top comment in the parent cannot be dismissed by a mere labeling of "Nice Guy". His experience is a valid criticism of Keith's message, and it is a reality that the message is not universally applicable. You definitely will get people who'll take advantage of you. They'll see that you're willing to help them, and they'll keep coming to you for more and more help. There will even be folks who'll get upset when you don't help them. That you have to put barriers between yourself and such folk is not something the book handles well (read it years ago so I may be wrong).
- nicbou 5y ago
  His book was really interesting, although there is at least one decent online summary that should suffice to get the idea. Another one - I don't know if it's in that book - is that people generally feel the need to reciprocate nice gestures. Unwanted help can feel a lot like unwanted debt.
jlos 5y ago
Oddly enough, you'd have better results if you asked the person to help you out instead. I'm missing the research but hand-wavy explanation is that you justify having done something for someone by becoming more attached to them. I also think asking for help is a sign of vulnerability and signals trust
nicbou 5y ago
If you find yourself doing things for approval, rather than out of goodwill, you are bound to be disappointed. If you are disappointed that nothing came out of it, you might have been making covert contracts as someone else pointed out.

ehnto 5y ago

It can be tough no doubt. I like to view it as the cost of being the kind of person who helps. It takes an excess of strength to help, so you can see yourself as being strong because of that. You have an excess of capability in some dimension and you're willing to share it. Sometimes a person may take advantage of you, but that's a commentary on them, not on you.

stadium 5y ago

I can relate somewhat and found that when the foundation of the relationship is "helping," then after that need is gone, most of the time so is the relationship. I was hoping for some sort of deeper or more meaningful friendships, or sense of community. It's been hard to come by from those situations. From my side, I realized that the longing for something deeper and authentic actually made the relationship transactional and inauthentic.

jes 5y ago

For much of my life, I engaged in "Nice Guy" behavior. A common Nice Guy pattern is helping someone else with the (unstated) expectation that they will reciprocate. Glover calls it a "covert contract." I had to learn that I was doing this, and it was embarrassing to learn that I was, in fact, doing it. Google "Robert Glover" and "Nice Guy Syndrome" if you want to check whether this might have some applicability to your situation.

kstenerud 5y ago
No, that doesn't seem to match what I'm dealing with. Specifically to my situation: I help someone I've known for awhile, and afterwards I expect that it will develop a closer working relationship of some sort in the future because they'll remember that I helped them out and that we can work together to accomplish things. What really happens is that after I've helped them, they're not interested in any collaboration anymore unless it meets their immediate needs, and definitely aren't interested in helping out if I need it in future.
- markozivanovic 5y ago
  That's the whole point of the 'nice guy' shtick. Doing something and expecting something in return.
  - kstenerud 5y ago
    That wasn't how Robert Glover described it. Quoted from his website: Who is a Nice Guy? * He is the relative who lets his wife run the show. * He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles. * He is the guy who frustrates his wife because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved. * He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else. * He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat. * He is the dependable guy at work who will never say “no,” but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him. * He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all. ---------------- This is very different from someone who does someone else a solid, and then that person "owes him one". Someone gets you free tickets to the game, and 3 months later you get them an introduction that helps them out. It's not a 1:1 thing obviously, but there's an expectation of loose reciprocity over the years. In all relationships you have to be on the giving part at least some of the time, otherwise you're just a user. And if you're on the giving part all of the time, you're a doormat. Both are unhealthy.
- 1123581321 5y ago
  I think you’ll be happier, and possibly more charitable, if you overtly propose collaboration or quid pro quo up front with the people you tacitly hope will reciprocate, and do the giving in situations where you honestly do not expect or want reciprocation. In both situations you’re communicating more clearly what you are doing and wanting, which helps.
BeetleB 5y ago
There's not too much of a difference between what Keith Ferrazzi is saying and "Nice Guy". He's saying the more you help people, the more you'll get back. The only difference is that he's not saying that each person you help will help you back, and that you shouldn't expect they will. But the overall message in the book is that the more you help people, the more they'll help you in the long run. With that pointed out, the top comment in the parent cannot be dismissed by a mere labeling of "Nice Guy". His experience is a valid criticism of Keith's message, and it is a reality that the message is not universally applicable. You definitely will get people who'll take advantage of you. They'll see that you're willing to help them, and they'll keep coming to you for more and more help. There will even be folks who'll get upset when you don't help them. That you have to put barriers between yourself and such folk is not something the book handles well (read it years ago so I may be wrong).
nicbou 5y ago
His book was really interesting, although there is at least one decent online summary that should suffice to get the idea. Another one - I don't know if it's in that book - is that people generally feel the need to reciprocate nice gestures. Unwanted help can feel a lot like unwanted debt.

jlos 5y ago

Oddly enough, you'd have better results if you asked the person to help you out instead. I'm missing the research but hand-wavy explanation is that you justify having done something for someone by becoming more attached to them. I also think asking for help is a sign of vulnerability and signals trust

nicbou 5y ago

If you find yourself doing things for approval, rather than out of goodwill, you are bound to be disappointed. If you are disappointed that nothing came out of it, you might have been making covert contracts as someone else pointed out.