5 ms·

It's certainly believable that women don't enjoy dating apps, but I think it's difficult to make the case that it's equally hard for them (in terms of successfu

It's certainly believable that women don't enjoy dating apps, but I think it's difficult to make the case that it's equally hard for them (in terms of successfully getting a date) when they have thousands of matches and many men I know have none.

k-mcgrady 5y ago
Thousands of matches isn’t a good thing. If you ever have the opportunity ask a female friend to show you the kind of messages they get on dating apps. They’re pretty appalling. It genuinely worries me that there are so many creeps out there. The men you know may not be getting many matches but at least the ones they get are more than likely from relatively normal people. If I had to sort through the garbage women do on dating apps I wouldn’t be on them.
- lelanthran 5y ago
  > Thousands of matches isn’t a good thing. He didn't say it was, he said it was preferable to having no matches. I recall seeing the OkCupid stats once (okstats?). The numbers pretty much said that although women were getting most of the messages, they were all only responding to the same 10% of males, while most men were sending messages to almost all the women. You've pretty much got 80% of the women competing for the top 10% of the males.
  - akomtu 5y ago
    That 80% number might give a false hope to readers. In fact it's 100%, but the bottom 20% give up without trying because they correctly assess their chances.
- machello13 5y ago
  But surely you can see how hopeless dating feels for many men when they swipe right on hundreds of women and get 0 matches? I'm not saying they aren't getting many — they're getting none (I know you just have my word on this, but trust me when I say they are not ugly or fat or anything, just nonwhite and without high paying jobs, but otherwise average-looking guys who have dated successfully in the past). The situation isn't great on either side, but plenty of statistics show it's mostly women having sex off these apps, so clearly there is an actual imbalance. And you can't write off the sheer hopelessness and isolation that the thought "there's not a single woman out there who would date me" induces in young men. I'm sure it's not fun for women but it is absolutely __brutal__ for many men.
  - commandlinefan 5y ago
    > nonwhite Uh, trust me, white men can easily accumulate zero matches too.
    - machello13 5y ago
      Oh certainly. Their experience is that there’s a huge racial factor in how many matches they get (e.g. having an Indian name seems to be a death sentence) — I was just reporting their experience and didn’t mean to imply anything else!
- guskel 5y ago
  If thousands of matches are not a good thing, why keep swiping? They could choose instead to talk to the matches they already have. The matches they have are already the ones they've screened for.
- esarbe 5y ago
  It's just numbers game. If you're interested in quick sex and you can send messages to dozens on women with very little effort, you do it. If just one percent signals interest, you already have a win. Why invest more time and energy than absolutely necessary?
treespace88 5y ago
Women are paying a high price in the online dating world. It’s preying on their weakness the same way porn does for men. Most women don’t want to sleep around and have a large number of partners. But tinder leads them to believe that they can find an unrealistic partner. And they get hurt by the small percentage of men that play the online dating game well. Women need a lot more data and time to evaluate a potential partner before initiating contact.
- guskel 5y ago
  I think a solution would be to limit the number of matches one could have at a time. This forces the user to sacrifice something (the opportunity cost of matching with someone else) to remain in contact with their match.
- watwut 5y ago
  Maybe women are paying the price, bit it is men on HN who complain and bitch constantly. Most women are not on tinder anyway.
  - symlinkk 5y ago
    That’s incorrect, online dating is the number one way couples meet
    - watwut 5y ago
      Which is not the same as "most women are on tinder".
      - symlinkk 5y ago
        Most women who are looking to date are on Tinder. No, your grandma isn’t on there. I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make.
        nashalo_nighly 5y ago

k-mcgrady 5y ago

Thousands of matches isn’t a good thing. If you ever have the opportunity ask a female friend to show you the kind of messages they get on dating apps. They’re pretty appalling. It genuinely worries me that there are so many creeps out there. The men you know may not be getting many matches but at least the ones they get are more than likely from relatively normal people. If I had to sort through the garbage women do on dating apps I wouldn’t be on them.

lelanthran 5y ago
> Thousands of matches isn’t a good thing. He didn't say it was, he said it was preferable to having no matches. I recall seeing the OkCupid stats once (okstats?). The numbers pretty much said that although women were getting most of the messages, they were all only responding to the same 10% of males, while most men were sending messages to almost all the women. You've pretty much got 80% of the women competing for the top 10% of the males.
- akomtu 5y ago
  That 80% number might give a false hope to readers. In fact it's 100%, but the bottom 20% give up without trying because they correctly assess their chances.
machello13 5y ago
But surely you can see how hopeless dating feels for many men when they swipe right on hundreds of women and get 0 matches? I'm not saying they aren't getting many — they're getting none (I know you just have my word on this, but trust me when I say they are not ugly or fat or anything, just nonwhite and without high paying jobs, but otherwise average-looking guys who have dated successfully in the past). The situation isn't great on either side, but plenty of statistics show it's mostly women having sex off these apps, so clearly there is an actual imbalance. And you can't write off the sheer hopelessness and isolation that the thought "there's not a single woman out there who would date me" induces in young men. I'm sure it's not fun for women but it is absolutely __brutal__ for many men.
- commandlinefan 5y ago
  > nonwhite Uh, trust me, white men can easily accumulate zero matches too.
  - machello13 5y ago
    Oh certainly. Their experience is that there’s a huge racial factor in how many matches they get (e.g. having an Indian name seems to be a death sentence) — I was just reporting their experience and didn’t mean to imply anything else!
guskel 5y ago
If thousands of matches are not a good thing, why keep swiping? They could choose instead to talk to the matches they already have. The matches they have are already the ones they've screened for.
esarbe 5y ago
It's just numbers game. If you're interested in quick sex and you can send messages to dozens on women with very little effort, you do it. If just one percent signals interest, you already have a win. Why invest more time and energy than absolutely necessary?

treespace88 5y ago

Women are paying a high price in the online dating world. It’s preying on their weakness the same way porn does for men. Most women don’t want to sleep around and have a large number of partners. But tinder leads them to believe that they can find an unrealistic partner. And they get hurt by the small percentage of men that play the online dating game well. Women need a lot more data and time to evaluate a potential partner before initiating contact.

guskel 5y ago
I think a solution would be to limit the number of matches one could have at a time. This forces the user to sacrifice something (the opportunity cost of matching with someone else) to remain in contact with their match.
watwut 5y ago
Maybe women are paying the price, bit it is men on HN who complain and bitch constantly. Most women are not on tinder anyway.
- symlinkk 5y ago
  That’s incorrect, online dating is the number one way couples meet
  - watwut 5y ago
    Which is not the same as "most women are on tinder".
    - symlinkk 5y ago
      Most women who are looking to date are on Tinder. No, your grandma isn’t on there. I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make.
      - nashalo_nighly 5y ago