4 ms·

This is the typical advice by extroverts: “just go out and have fun . If I can do it why can’t you do it?”. Most lonely people know already what to do in theor

This is the typical advice by extroverts: “just go out and have fun . If I can do it why can’t you do it?”. Most lonely people know already what to do in theory but for whatever reason they can’t pull it off. That’s certainly the story of my life. I know what I should do but I can’t execute it correctly. I mess up small talk all the time and for some reason never get better. It seems some of my social circuits haven’t been wired correctly and are introducing errors. Advice giving is a dangerous thing if you haven’t experienced the problem. I don’t have eating problems so for me it’s really easy not to eat that donut or the bucket of ice cream but I have learned and accepted that for some overweight people it’s an almost insurmountable problem. I can’t really relate but I have learned enough over the years to stay away from giving ignorant or condescending advice.

schwartzworld 6y ago
You've pointed out the irony: it's not that easy and yet it is. I'd be skinnier if I skipped dessert more often, and while it isn't that simple, skipping dessert is the only sure way to get skinnier. There is no simpler or more effective measure I could take.
- spaetzleesser 6y ago
  Very true. Simple things can be extremely hard or impossible.
culopatin 6y ago
I don’t think you read the post very well or you’re picking on things just to say “No, I’m an introvert and so I can’t and that’s the end of that”. It doesn’t say just go out and do things. It says “whenever you do these things, just do this instead”. And it shows some clear suggestions to try. Put down phone and say yes to any opportunity are what stick out for me. None of them are very risky. Maybe you won’t talk to your neighbors, but you’ll have to want it to change it, it won’t come to you. And so it gives some suggestions of things that are potentially available to you. My life changed quite a bit after I watched Yes Man and decided to give it a try. It made me realize how much I would said no to things for reasons that were 100% made of negative assumptions. It was all in my head. I didn’t go as far as Jim Carey but I started saying yes or asking if I could join to things I would normally decline and just get FOMO at home. It’s a very introvert lonely person thing to say “I tried and I suck therefore I can’t” and now I answer to that “Can’t never could”. And I feel like I can say that because I was one of them. Yes I sucked too, I still think I’m not good at small talk, so what? I stay away from my phone in social gatherings and just observe, at some point just by being engaged you’ll have something to say. Some people might even like you because you’re not “the annoying one who wants to hear themselves talk”. All it takes is not “go out and do things” it takes saying yes and not sheltering yourself, it takes not running away from the opportunity. It all cascades after. It’s like compound interest if socialization. Once you open yourself to one thing and keep investing in that, lots of gatherings open. Right now I feel like I need to decline some because I get a bit socially exhausted at times, but 6 years ago i would get depressed on the weekends because I wanted to go do something and had no one to do it with.
deathlight 6y ago
Have you considered the possibility of autism spectrum disorder?
hardwaregeek 6y ago
This is a little left-field, but have you considered therapy? One underrated benefit of therapy is that it can help you analyze social situations and build the necessary skills to be more social. Therapists are professionals at talking to people and building a rapport after all.
- Leparamour 6y ago
  >This is a little left-field, but have you considered therapy? Your advice (as well-meant as it may be) is exactly as helpful as the extrovert, mentioned by the parent, who gives the advice to "just have more fun". It's not a lack of knowing what to do. It's a profound lack of "activation energy".
  - grae_QED 6y ago
    Completely the opposite. It's the difference between a non-medical doctor diagnosing someones medical condition and telling them to go see a real doctor. Sometimes people don't know when to go see a doctor and need some help knowing when they should go. Their advice was completely appropriate given the situation.
    - spaetzleesser 6y ago
      The advice “see a therapist “ is often valid but by itself pretty clueless. If you ever have dealt with therapists you know that a lot of them aren’t very good. And finding one you click with can be very exhausting and expensive expensive. I have done this for a few years and it was one of the most depressing things I have done in my life.
- golemiprague 6y ago
  Very true, knowing what to do is very different to bringing oneself to do it and dieting is a very good example. How many times therapists can actually change eating habits? From what I know the rates are low, similiar to any other coaching schemes of neutritionist or whoever is in the business of making people thin.
- 6y ago
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]

schwartzworld 6y ago

You've pointed out the irony: it's not that easy and yet it is. I'd be skinnier if I skipped dessert more often, and while it isn't that simple, skipping dessert is the only sure way to get skinnier. There is no simpler or more effective measure I could take.

spaetzleesser 6y ago
Very true. Simple things can be extremely hard or impossible.

culopatin 6y ago

I don’t think you read the post very well or you’re picking on things just to say “No, I’m an introvert and so I can’t and that’s the end of that”. It doesn’t say just go out and do things. It says “whenever you do these things, just do this instead”. And it shows some clear suggestions to try. Put down phone and say yes to any opportunity are what stick out for me. None of them are very risky. Maybe you won’t talk to your neighbors, but you’ll have to want it to change it, it won’t come to you. And so it gives some suggestions of things that are potentially available to you. My life changed quite a bit after I watched Yes Man and decided to give it a try. It made me realize how much I would said no to things for reasons that were 100% made of negative assumptions. It was all in my head. I didn’t go as far as Jim Carey but I started saying yes or asking if I could join to things I would normally decline and just get FOMO at home. It’s a very introvert lonely person thing to say “I tried and I suck therefore I can’t” and now I answer to that “Can’t never could”. And I feel like I can say that because I was one of them. Yes I sucked too, I still think I’m not good at small talk, so what? I stay away from my phone in social gatherings and just observe, at some point just by being engaged you’ll have something to say. Some people might even like you because you’re not “the annoying one who wants to hear themselves talk”. All it takes is not “go out and do things” it takes saying yes and not sheltering yourself, it takes not running away from the opportunity. It all cascades after. It’s like compound interest if socialization. Once you open yourself to one thing and keep investing in that, lots of gatherings open. Right now I feel like I need to decline some because I get a bit socially exhausted at times, but 6 years ago i would get depressed on the weekends because I wanted to go do something and had no one to do it with.

deathlight 6y ago

Have you considered the possibility of autism spectrum disorder?

hardwaregeek 6y ago

This is a little left-field, but have you considered therapy? One underrated benefit of therapy is that it can help you analyze social situations and build the necessary skills to be more social. Therapists are professionals at talking to people and building a rapport after all.

Leparamour 6y ago
>This is a little left-field, but have you considered therapy? Your advice (as well-meant as it may be) is exactly as helpful as the extrovert, mentioned by the parent, who gives the advice to "just have more fun". It's not a lack of knowing what to do. It's a profound lack of "activation energy".
- grae_QED 6y ago
  Completely the opposite. It's the difference between a non-medical doctor diagnosing someones medical condition and telling them to go see a real doctor. Sometimes people don't know when to go see a doctor and need some help knowing when they should go. Their advice was completely appropriate given the situation.
  - spaetzleesser 6y ago
    The advice “see a therapist “ is often valid but by itself pretty clueless. If you ever have dealt with therapists you know that a lot of them aren’t very good. And finding one you click with can be very exhausting and expensive expensive. I have done this for a few years and it was one of the most depressing things I have done in my life.
golemiprague 6y ago
Very true, knowing what to do is very different to bringing oneself to do it and dieting is a very good example. How many times therapists can actually change eating habits? From what I know the rates are low, similiar to any other coaching schemes of neutritionist or whoever is in the business of making people thin.
6y ago

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]