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As someone who was also home schooled and had problems with social interactions in my early twenties the best advice I can give is join several clubs that does

As someone who was also home schooled and had problems with social interactions in my early twenties the best advice I can give is join several clubs that does things in person. You MUST learn how to make friends, how to not upset people, how to be comfortable in social situations and empathy. To do this I would recommend that you force yourself into social situations regularly. Afterwards spend some time thinking about how the interaction went, especially from the other persons viewpoint, practice empathizing (it is a skill that can be learned and will make you a better more considerate person). So join several clubs that meets and does something in person. You should have two scheduled social events every week. Try your best to be aware of peoples feelings and groups social structure so that you can try to not trample all over either. Going straight to upper management as you described is generally not well accepted and most definitely upsets middle management (the people who would actually hire you). Basically, realize that the problem is who you are and that you need to become someone else to succeed. Changing your own personality is one of the hardest things one can do, so expect it to take a few years.

snakedoctor 6y ago
I've tried out meetup.com and went to one meetup. It was ok. I felt a little uncomfortable though. They solicited for my name, and email to be added to the Slack. There was a lot of recreational clubs etc at my college. I tried rock climbing, and liked it. There wasn't a lot of social interaction with rock climbing though. I went to a party in Austin. Chatted with strangers etc. Wasn't really sure what else to talk about. I've read somewhere that asking strangers for the time might be a good exercise to become more comfortable talking with people. I asked people that for a while. Except when one guy responded "It's time to get a watch" lol, I became blushed and kinda embrassed. I saw a comment recommending How to Win Friend and Influence People which I definitely want to read.
- nl 6y ago
  > They solicited for my name, and email to be added to the Slack. Your terminology here says a lot, right? If you are going to a meetup to meet people, then the whole point is to get to know people. And yes, that will involve them knowing your name, and communicating with you. To open up your job prospects: realize this is normal and desirable.
  - deleted 6y ago
    [deleted]
  - serverholic 6y ago
    Yeah this guy is definitely on the spectrum.. And probably a little bit of a sociopath.
    - dang 6y ago
      Whoa, personal attacks like that will get you banned on HN. No more of this, please. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
      - serverholic 6y ago
        Wtf how is this any different than other people in the thread calling the OP creepy and autistic?
- culopatin 6y ago
  Sounds like you have Aspergers or something like that. At most. But you probably were handicapped by homeschooling, unless you were homeschooled because of these social issues. Obviously it’s not your technical qualifications but something in the way you approach people in interviews. The fact that you say you had to read how to talk to people at a party and couldn’t figure out how to diverge from doing exactly what you read over and over is what tipped me off to think you may be weirding people out. Honestly, if you were to say “hey I know I have some weirdness but I have the best intentions”... I personally would appreciate that. The first step is acknowledging that and trying to convince the people you’ll work with that it won’t get in the way. Also in the future, don’t quit a job if you don’t have a backup just because you wanted to get paid more.
- chillfox 6y ago
  So what you need to do in that situation is smile and happily give your name + email, then set aside an hour a week to chat with people in that slack channel. Parties are not really good places to learn social skills, people are generally partially drunk and behave differently than they would anywhere else. Look at this list of hobbies [1], pick two that you think looks interesting and has a club in your local area. Then join those clubs and show up at every opportunity. If you are asked to join a special event or help out with something or join a forum/chat room then smile and say "yes, I would love to". Try to stick with the same club for at least a year. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_hobbies https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_hobbies
- aceazzameen 6y ago
  Oh geez. Please don't let strangers on the internet diagnose you.
  - dack 6y ago
    They seem to be open to it, and pretty desperate for advice since they've already tried a lot of things. I'm sure a lot of advice is wrong but maybe some of it will help!
- bmdavi3 6y ago
  The secret to being a good conversationalist is to have the other person do most of the talking, and everyone's favorite thing to talk about is themselves. Being, and therefore appearing, genuinely interested in what the other person is saying about themselves creates the best feelings in the world for the other person, and you won't run out of things to talk about. "You just got a new dog? Cool!" Then you can ask any follow up question you like. What kind? What's their name? Where'd you get them from? Do you feed them "people food"?.. etc. One question at a time of course, and avoid queuing them up in your head. When the other person is talking, try very hard not to think of the next thing you're going to say. If you do that, you'll miss what they're actually saying and eventually say something that makes it clear you weren't listening. Similarly, you'll miss out on each new bit of the conversation, and those new bits are the basis of new, honest, follow up questions. You don't have to be interested in dogs generally, to be interested in them temporarily. "Being interested, intentionally" is a skill you can improve. Don't try to direct the flow of the conversation too much either. Go into your next conversation with friends, family, coworkers, or strangers with a truly open mind about what you're going to talk about, with no agenda, and be happy knowing it could change at any time. Your job is to listen and ask more. A lot of supposed "conversations" are just two people looking at each other, waiting for their turn to talk. If you're going to do that you might as well each write your sentences down beforehand, exchange them, and then throw them away without reading them. The truth is, nobody wants to hear what you have to say. They don't want to hear what I have to say. They want to tell you about what's going on in their lives and what's important to them.
  - srinivgp 6y ago
    I hear people say this so much and it's so incredibly not true for me but I dunno if I'm different, they're all full of it, or both.
    - nl 6y ago
      Which part isn't true for you?
    - Talanes 6y ago
      Right? My conversation problems all stem from my own dislike of talking about myself.
- celim307 6y ago
  Hmm I would give rock climbing another shot, pandemic aside rock climbing especially at gyms is very social, I’ve even quit gyms because some are more akin to night clubs than climbing gyms. Bouldering? Ask for beta or work a problem with someone. Top rope or sport? The gym should have a program for people looking for belay partners. Give it another shot
- DetroitThrow 6y ago
  Try more meetups in person, even if they're awkward! Great way to both network for your next job and sharpen your social skills.
- mypalmike 6y ago
  How To Win Friends is a great book for fine tuning interpersonal skills in adversarial situations such as sales calls and job interviews. It's worth a read. But I wouldn't recommend it as something to internalize for actually making friends. It mostly teaches how to seem empathetic as leverage in negotiations. It's more important IMO to develop real empathy through routinely putting yourself in other people's shoes, both when interactimg with them and when passively observing situations.
  - throwaway79392 6y ago
    > How To Win Friends is a great book for fine tuning interpersonal skills ... I wouldn't recommend it as something to internalize for actually making friends. I would even argue this book can harm your friendships. Really, the whole book is only about friendships that you try to seek value from. That said, there are tons of books worth reading. The therapist can most likely recommend books that are really useful for "homework". FWIW at some point in my life I also realized I need to improve my social circle and went for asking for the time and all that. Please don't do that, consult with your therapist and just learn by doing otherwise. People tend to think there is one way a person has to be. Anyways, it's really bad with Covid right now but once that's over, there'll be plenty of opportunity to go to real Meetups, public events and all that.
- subjectsigma 6y ago
  As someone who has struggled their entire life with feeling like I don't understand people, I feel your pain. I don't know what kind of climbing you were doing, but I've found bouldering very social. Bouldering problems are short and very intense so you spend most of your time sitting on the mat resting, which inevitably leads to conversation. If you don't have a group to go with or haven't tried bouldering, but would like to continue climbing, I would recommend taking a group bouldering class or the like once COVID dies down. That's a good way to meet people who like the sport and are the same level as you. This might be a little presumptuous as I don't know anything about you, but since you're in Texas - church/temple/synagogueetc is also a great option if you want to meet people. People want you to join their church so they will be friendly and make an effort to welcome you. Many churches have coffee or small refreshments after the service just so people can socialize. There may even be programs, planned social activities, bible studies or whatnot for new members. This is my bias but I would go to a non-denominational Christian church, the crowd is likely to be younger, more diverse, more interesting, and the music will sound like it's from this century. If you don't like the people, the particular church, or just simply learn that you don't believe in God, you can always just leave, you have no obligation to stay. I myself don't attend church anymore but I must admit they are astoundingly effective social support structures. If you've ever been curious in any way about religion you might as well try it.
- e12e 6y ago
  Echoing another comment that you might be on the spectrum - and I hope the therapist you mentioned can help you relate to that. The above comment could almost be a quote from "The Speed of Dark" - a (science) fiction novel by Elizabeth Moon about autism (she has a child on the spectrum).
bawolff 6y ago
As someone who sometimes struggles with social stuff, join a club has never been useful advice for me. Its never worked out well, i'm not sure where y'all live where there are actually interesting clubs, and they're pretty awkward environments generally imo. I've had better luck with do something with a more structured environment. E.g. take an in person class (something not work related. Learn sign language or something) but that takes $$$ and ymmv.
- Larrikin 6y ago
  I think it used to be difficult to find decent clubs outside of school, but sites like meetup have tons of different groups. Language meetups are particularly plentiful. They are different from a class, but they are always open to people of various levels.
  - bawolff 6y ago
    Honestly, i found clubs to be uncomfortable social interactions, even in university (actually, even in high school, and grade school). Maybe they're just not for me. Anyhow i found other ways to fulfil my social needs.
- chillfox 6y ago
  Fair enough, not everyone learns in the same way. You are right that clubs will feel awkward, for the first 2-3 months anyway. But they will also challenge you to improve your social skills.

snakedoctor 6y ago

I've tried out meetup.com and went to one meetup. It was ok. I felt a little uncomfortable though. They solicited for my name, and email to be added to the Slack. There was a lot of recreational clubs etc at my college. I tried rock climbing, and liked it. There wasn't a lot of social interaction with rock climbing though. I went to a party in Austin. Chatted with strangers etc. Wasn't really sure what else to talk about. I've read somewhere that asking strangers for the time might be a good exercise to become more comfortable talking with people. I asked people that for a while. Except when one guy responded "It's time to get a watch" lol, I became blushed and kinda embrassed. I saw a comment recommending How to Win Friend and Influence People which I definitely want to read.

nl 6y ago
> They solicited for my name, and email to be added to the Slack. Your terminology here says a lot, right? If you are going to a meetup to meet people, then the whole point is to get to know people. And yes, that will involve them knowing your name, and communicating with you. To open up your job prospects: realize this is normal and desirable.
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
- serverholic 6y ago
  Yeah this guy is definitely on the spectrum.. And probably a little bit of a sociopath.
  - dang 6y ago
    Whoa, personal attacks like that will get you banned on HN. No more of this, please. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html
    - serverholic 6y ago
      Wtf how is this any different than other people in the thread calling the OP creepy and autistic?
culopatin 6y ago
Sounds like you have Aspergers or something like that. At most. But you probably were handicapped by homeschooling, unless you were homeschooled because of these social issues. Obviously it’s not your technical qualifications but something in the way you approach people in interviews. The fact that you say you had to read how to talk to people at a party and couldn’t figure out how to diverge from doing exactly what you read over and over is what tipped me off to think you may be weirding people out. Honestly, if you were to say “hey I know I have some weirdness but I have the best intentions”... I personally would appreciate that. The first step is acknowledging that and trying to convince the people you’ll work with that it won’t get in the way. Also in the future, don’t quit a job if you don’t have a backup just because you wanted to get paid more.
chillfox 6y ago
So what you need to do in that situation is smile and happily give your name + email, then set aside an hour a week to chat with people in that slack channel. Parties are not really good places to learn social skills, people are generally partially drunk and behave differently than they would anywhere else. Look at this list of hobbies [1], pick two that you think looks interesting and has a club in your local area. Then join those clubs and show up at every opportunity. If you are asked to join a special event or help out with something or join a forum/chat room then smile and say "yes, I would love to". Try to stick with the same club for at least a year. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_hobbies https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_hobbies
aceazzameen 6y ago
Oh geez. Please don't let strangers on the internet diagnose you.
- dack 6y ago
  They seem to be open to it, and pretty desperate for advice since they've already tried a lot of things. I'm sure a lot of advice is wrong but maybe some of it will help!
bmdavi3 6y ago
The secret to being a good conversationalist is to have the other person do most of the talking, and everyone's favorite thing to talk about is themselves. Being, and therefore appearing, genuinely interested in what the other person is saying about themselves creates the best feelings in the world for the other person, and you won't run out of things to talk about. "You just got a new dog? Cool!" Then you can ask any follow up question you like. What kind? What's their name? Where'd you get them from? Do you feed them "people food"?.. etc. One question at a time of course, and avoid queuing them up in your head. When the other person is talking, try very hard not to think of the next thing you're going to say. If you do that, you'll miss what they're actually saying and eventually say something that makes it clear you weren't listening. Similarly, you'll miss out on each new bit of the conversation, and those new bits are the basis of new, honest, follow up questions. You don't have to be interested in dogs generally, to be interested in them temporarily. "Being interested, intentionally" is a skill you can improve. Don't try to direct the flow of the conversation too much either. Go into your next conversation with friends, family, coworkers, or strangers with a truly open mind about what you're going to talk about, with no agenda, and be happy knowing it could change at any time. Your job is to listen and ask more. A lot of supposed "conversations" are just two people looking at each other, waiting for their turn to talk. If you're going to do that you might as well each write your sentences down beforehand, exchange them, and then throw them away without reading them. The truth is, nobody wants to hear what you have to say. They don't want to hear what I have to say. They want to tell you about what's going on in their lives and what's important to them.
- srinivgp 6y ago
  I hear people say this so much and it's so incredibly not true for me but I dunno if I'm different, they're all full of it, or both.
  - nl 6y ago
    Which part isn't true for you?
  - Talanes 6y ago
    Right? My conversation problems all stem from my own dislike of talking about myself.
celim307 6y ago
Hmm I would give rock climbing another shot, pandemic aside rock climbing especially at gyms is very social, I’ve even quit gyms because some are more akin to night clubs than climbing gyms. Bouldering? Ask for beta or work a problem with someone. Top rope or sport? The gym should have a program for people looking for belay partners. Give it another shot
DetroitThrow 6y ago
Try more meetups in person, even if they're awkward! Great way to both network for your next job and sharpen your social skills.
mypalmike 6y ago
How To Win Friends is a great book for fine tuning interpersonal skills in adversarial situations such as sales calls and job interviews. It's worth a read. But I wouldn't recommend it as something to internalize for actually making friends. It mostly teaches how to seem empathetic as leverage in negotiations. It's more important IMO to develop real empathy through routinely putting yourself in other people's shoes, both when interactimg with them and when passively observing situations.
- throwaway79392 6y ago
  > How To Win Friends is a great book for fine tuning interpersonal skills ... I wouldn't recommend it as something to internalize for actually making friends. I would even argue this book can harm your friendships. Really, the whole book is only about friendships that you try to seek value from. That said, there are tons of books worth reading. The therapist can most likely recommend books that are really useful for "homework". FWIW at some point in my life I also realized I need to improve my social circle and went for asking for the time and all that. Please don't do that, consult with your therapist and just learn by doing otherwise. People tend to think there is one way a person has to be. Anyways, it's really bad with Covid right now but once that's over, there'll be plenty of opportunity to go to real Meetups, public events and all that.
subjectsigma 6y ago
As someone who has struggled their entire life with feeling like I don't understand people, I feel your pain. I don't know what kind of climbing you were doing, but I've found bouldering very social. Bouldering problems are short and very intense so you spend most of your time sitting on the mat resting, which inevitably leads to conversation. If you don't have a group to go with or haven't tried bouldering, but would like to continue climbing, I would recommend taking a group bouldering class or the like once COVID dies down. That's a good way to meet people who like the sport and are the same level as you. This might be a little presumptuous as I don't know anything about you, but since you're in Texas - church/temple/synagogueetc is also a great option if you want to meet people. People want you to join their church so they will be friendly and make an effort to welcome you. Many churches have coffee or small refreshments after the service just so people can socialize. There may even be programs, planned social activities, bible studies or whatnot for new members. This is my bias but I would go to a non-denominational Christian church, the crowd is likely to be younger, more diverse, more interesting, and the music will sound like it's from this century. If you don't like the people, the particular church, or just simply learn that you don't believe in God, you can always just leave, you have no obligation to stay. I myself don't attend church anymore but I must admit they are astoundingly effective social support structures. If you've ever been curious in any way about religion you might as well try it.
e12e 6y ago
Echoing another comment that you might be on the spectrum - and I hope the therapist you mentioned can help you relate to that. The above comment could almost be a quote from "The Speed of Dark" - a (science) fiction novel by Elizabeth Moon about autism (she has a child on the spectrum).

bawolff 6y ago

As someone who sometimes struggles with social stuff, join a club has never been useful advice for me. Its never worked out well, i'm not sure where y'all live where there are actually interesting clubs, and they're pretty awkward environments generally imo. I've had better luck with do something with a more structured environment. E.g. take an in person class (something not work related. Learn sign language or something) but that takes $$$ and ymmv.

Larrikin 6y ago
I think it used to be difficult to find decent clubs outside of school, but sites like meetup have tons of different groups. Language meetups are particularly plentiful. They are different from a class, but they are always open to people of various levels.
- bawolff 6y ago
  Honestly, i found clubs to be uncomfortable social interactions, even in university (actually, even in high school, and grade school). Maybe they're just not for me. Anyhow i found other ways to fulfil my social needs.
chillfox 6y ago
Fair enough, not everyone learns in the same way. You are right that clubs will feel awkward, for the first 2-3 months anyway. But they will also challenge you to improve your social skills.