5 ms·

I'm seeing a therapist. I had an abusive childhood. Not that it justifies anything. I was also homeschooled since the 6th grade, so I didn't really have any IRL

I'm seeing a therapist. I had an abusive childhood. Not that it justifies anything. I was also homeschooled since the 6th grade, so I didn't really have any IRL friends etc. I hope that I'm not a sociopath... I might be on the high functioning autisim scale. I've never been tested so I don't know.

klyrs 5y ago
Yeah, I'd guess that you're on the spectrum. To be quite honest, I see my younger self in your actions. It took me a long time and a lot of work to recognize bad ideas before acting on them, and I wish I could share notes... but I never could learn from other people's advice, only from years of deep reflection after fucking up repeatedly. But it's good to hear that you're seeing a therapist. I didn't figure that one out until my mid 30s Edit: I'm not one to crab about downvotes, but if y'all downvoting the parent post could kindly quit that. This person has shared some deep vulnerability here, they're asking for help and doing the work. This shit's a process
- kelnos 5y ago
  > I'm not one to crab about downvotes, but if y'all downvoting the parent post could kindly quit that. I upvoted parent/OP's post because I agree with you there. > Yeah, I'd guess that you're on the spectrum. Unless you are a psychiatrist who has met with OP in person (well, Zoom, these days, I guess), please don't armchair diagnose someone as being autistic. You have no basis or qualifications for this, and reading a couple posts on HN does not count.
  - eyelidlessness 5y ago
    > Unless you are a psychiatrist who has met with OP in person (well, Zoom, these days, I guess), please don't armchair diagnose someone as being autistic. You have no basis or qualifications for this, and reading a couple posts on HN does not count. I got the impression they were also on the spectrum and speaking from a place of familiarity. Sure, not a basis for diagnosis, but "I'd guess" isn't a diagnosis. It's a "yeah that seems to line up for me". People with neurodivergence spot each other whether we want to or mean to or not. It's incredibly delicate bringing it up, but it can be incredibly helpful when someone with like experience says "hey I see a familiar pattern".
dcolkitt 5y ago
A lot of decorum and etiquette is just practicing enough to learn unwritten rules. Maybe it would help have more casual social interaction. Might be tough in the age of covid, but there's lots of socializing and networking opportunities outside traditional interviewing. Meetups could be good, because you'd practice in the context of technical discussions and presenting your skillset, which is sorta like interviewing. My second piece of advice would be to read How to Win Friends and Influence People. It formally codifies a lot of the unspoken rules that charismatic people take for granted.
seppin 5y ago
No on minds someone that is weird and quiet. The weird and noisy is a problem. Try keeping to yourself (it's hard, I know) and let your work speak for you.
- saila 5y ago
  > No on minds someone that is weird and quiet In my experience, this has definitely not been true. People will assume you're being standoffish even though you're just minding your own business, just aren't a very talkative person, are focused on solving a problem, etc. If you're trying to "play the game," you'll probably be better off (in some sense) spending less time on work and more time being affable.
  - seppin 5y ago
    I just mean being quiet and off is always better than being vocal and odd. Looking arrogant > being disruptive.
AussieWog93 5y ago
You're also young. Plenty of well-adjusted people with jobs and families did idiotic things when they were 20, too.
chillfox 5y ago
As someone who was also home schooled and had problems with social interactions in my early twenties the best advice I can give is join several clubs that does things in person. You MUST learn how to make friends, how to not upset people, how to be comfortable in social situations and empathy. To do this I would recommend that you force yourself into social situations regularly. Afterwards spend some time thinking about how the interaction went, especially from the other persons viewpoint, practice empathizing (it is a skill that can be learned and will make you a better more considerate person). So join several clubs that meets and does something in person. You should have two scheduled social events every week. Try your best to be aware of peoples feelings and groups social structure so that you can try to not trample all over either. Going straight to upper management as you described is generally not well accepted and most definitely upsets middle management (the people who would actually hire you). Basically, realize that the problem is who you are and that you need to become someone else to succeed. Changing your own personality is one of the hardest things one can do, so expect it to take a few years.
- snakedoctor 5y ago
  I've tried out meetup.com and went to one meetup. It was ok. I felt a little uncomfortable though. They solicited for my name, and email to be added to the Slack. There was a lot of recreational clubs etc at my college. I tried rock climbing, and liked it. There wasn't a lot of social interaction with rock climbing though. I went to a party in Austin. Chatted with strangers etc. Wasn't really sure what else to talk about. I've read somewhere that asking strangers for the time might be a good exercise to become more comfortable talking with people. I asked people that for a while. Except when one guy responded "It's time to get a watch" lol, I became blushed and kinda embrassed. I saw a comment recommending How to Win Friend and Influence People which I definitely want to read.
  - nl 5y ago
    > They solicited for my name, and email to be added to the Slack. Your terminology here says a lot, right? If you are going to a meetup to meet people, then the whole point is to get to know people. And yes, that will involve them knowing your name, and communicating with you. To open up your job prospects: realize this is normal and desirable.
taabcd 5y ago
I've had struggles too. I'm now in a much better place. If you want some FANG interviewing advice or just a general career/life sounding board, feel free to email me at the email on my profile. this goes for anyone else struggling.
eyelidlessness 5y ago
Speaking from personal experience I think it’s a good possibility you’re on the spectrum. I can’t say for sure of course. But I can say taking some time to find resources that might help you understand if that’s part of what’s going on might help you navigate both the issues you’ve discussed here, and working with your therapist to determine any steps you might want to take toward diagnosis. I’ll also say I have been where you’re at as you describe. You sound very capable, but you haven’t had the opportunity to thrive. I also had an abusive childhood. I won’t say what’s important is overcoming all your obstacles and persevering. I’ll say this: you have shown you have a desire for more and you’ve shown you have a capacity for more. I believe you can do it. I’ll echo one thing other people said but in a different way. I don’t think you should set your sights lower. I think you should consider looking for smaller ponds and see how big a fish you turn out to be. Some of those smaller ponds are wonderful, might even be more wonderful for you than the big ones you’ve looked into.
barry-cotter 5y ago
Don’t apologize to people who give you abuse. Not on the Internet and not in real life.

klyrs 5y ago

Yeah, I'd guess that you're on the spectrum. To be quite honest, I see my younger self in your actions. It took me a long time and a lot of work to recognize bad ideas before acting on them, and I wish I could share notes... but I never could learn from other people's advice, only from years of deep reflection after fucking up repeatedly. But it's good to hear that you're seeing a therapist. I didn't figure that one out until my mid 30s Edit: I'm not one to crab about downvotes, but if y'all downvoting the parent post could kindly quit that. This person has shared some deep vulnerability here, they're asking for help and doing the work. This shit's a process

kelnos 5y ago
> I'm not one to crab about downvotes, but if y'all downvoting the parent post could kindly quit that. I upvoted parent/OP's post because I agree with you there. > Yeah, I'd guess that you're on the spectrum. Unless you are a psychiatrist who has met with OP in person (well, Zoom, these days, I guess), please don't armchair diagnose someone as being autistic. You have no basis or qualifications for this, and reading a couple posts on HN does not count.
- eyelidlessness 5y ago
  > Unless you are a psychiatrist who has met with OP in person (well, Zoom, these days, I guess), please don't armchair diagnose someone as being autistic. You have no basis or qualifications for this, and reading a couple posts on HN does not count. I got the impression they were also on the spectrum and speaking from a place of familiarity. Sure, not a basis for diagnosis, but "I'd guess" isn't a diagnosis. It's a "yeah that seems to line up for me". People with neurodivergence spot each other whether we want to or mean to or not. It's incredibly delicate bringing it up, but it can be incredibly helpful when someone with like experience says "hey I see a familiar pattern".

dcolkitt 5y ago

A lot of decorum and etiquette is just practicing enough to learn unwritten rules. Maybe it would help have more casual social interaction. Might be tough in the age of covid, but there's lots of socializing and networking opportunities outside traditional interviewing. Meetups could be good, because you'd practice in the context of technical discussions and presenting your skillset, which is sorta like interviewing. My second piece of advice would be to read How to Win Friends and Influence People. It formally codifies a lot of the unspoken rules that charismatic people take for granted.

seppin 5y ago

No on minds someone that is weird and quiet. The weird and noisy is a problem. Try keeping to yourself (it's hard, I know) and let your work speak for you.

saila 5y ago
> No on minds someone that is weird and quiet In my experience, this has definitely not been true. People will assume you're being standoffish even though you're just minding your own business, just aren't a very talkative person, are focused on solving a problem, etc. If you're trying to "play the game," you'll probably be better off (in some sense) spending less time on work and more time being affable.
- seppin 5y ago
  I just mean being quiet and off is always better than being vocal and odd. Looking arrogant > being disruptive.

AussieWog93 5y ago

You're also young. Plenty of well-adjusted people with jobs and families did idiotic things when they were 20, too.

chillfox 5y ago

As someone who was also home schooled and had problems with social interactions in my early twenties the best advice I can give is join several clubs that does things in person. You MUST learn how to make friends, how to not upset people, how to be comfortable in social situations and empathy. To do this I would recommend that you force yourself into social situations regularly. Afterwards spend some time thinking about how the interaction went, especially from the other persons viewpoint, practice empathizing (it is a skill that can be learned and will make you a better more considerate person). So join several clubs that meets and does something in person. You should have two scheduled social events every week. Try your best to be aware of peoples feelings and groups social structure so that you can try to not trample all over either. Going straight to upper management as you described is generally not well accepted and most definitely upsets middle management (the people who would actually hire you). Basically, realize that the problem is who you are and that you need to become someone else to succeed. Changing your own personality is one of the hardest things one can do, so expect it to take a few years.

snakedoctor 5y ago
I've tried out meetup.com and went to one meetup. It was ok. I felt a little uncomfortable though. They solicited for my name, and email to be added to the Slack. There was a lot of recreational clubs etc at my college. I tried rock climbing, and liked it. There wasn't a lot of social interaction with rock climbing though. I went to a party in Austin. Chatted with strangers etc. Wasn't really sure what else to talk about. I've read somewhere that asking strangers for the time might be a good exercise to become more comfortable talking with people. I asked people that for a while. Except when one guy responded "It's time to get a watch" lol, I became blushed and kinda embrassed. I saw a comment recommending How to Win Friend and Influence People which I definitely want to read.
- nl 5y ago
  > They solicited for my name, and email to be added to the Slack. Your terminology here says a lot, right? If you are going to a meetup to meet people, then the whole point is to get to know people. And yes, that will involve them knowing your name, and communicating with you. To open up your job prospects: realize this is normal and desirable.

taabcd 5y ago

I've had struggles too. I'm now in a much better place. If you want some FANG interviewing advice or just a general career/life sounding board, feel free to email me at the email on my profile. this goes for anyone else struggling.

eyelidlessness 5y ago

Speaking from personal experience I think it’s a good possibility you’re on the spectrum. I can’t say for sure of course. But I can say taking some time to find resources that might help you understand if that’s part of what’s going on might help you navigate both the issues you’ve discussed here, and working with your therapist to determine any steps you might want to take toward diagnosis. I’ll also say I have been where you’re at as you describe. You sound very capable, but you haven’t had the opportunity to thrive. I also had an abusive childhood. I won’t say what’s important is overcoming all your obstacles and persevering. I’ll say this: you have shown you have a desire for more and you’ve shown you have a capacity for more. I believe you can do it. I’ll echo one thing other people said but in a different way. I don’t think you should set your sights lower. I think you should consider looking for smaller ponds and see how big a fish you turn out to be. Some of those smaller ponds are wonderful, might even be more wonderful for you than the big ones you’ve looked into.

barry-cotter 5y ago

Don’t apologize to people who give you abuse. Not on the Internet and not in real life.