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> A few weeks ago, I was mailing my friend a gift for his upcoming birthday when I recalled that he got me nothing for my birthday. I experienced a flash of ang

> A few weeks ago, I was mailing my friend a gift for his upcoming birthday when I recalled that he got me nothing for my birthday. I experienced a flash of anger, and was tempted to trash the package instead of mailing it. This speaks more to the author’s selfishness (more accurately childishness) rather than anger. The need to be completely reciprocated in every gesture is selfish and speaks to a zero-sum mindset. I know first-hand: Like the author I have been prone to fly off the handle much of my life, and only recently (past year or so) have realized that I was equating reciprocity with justice, and that is an incredibly narrow view of the world. This was an eye-opener: If everyone gave only as much as they got, the world would be a significantly meaner place. Rather, it’s those who give without receiving that make the world a better place. Since then, I stopped keeping score, give what I can when I can, and receive happily whatever is given to me, without judgement, although I am still working on that last bit (You gave me what?!?..), but then I’ve also stopped trying to be perfect.

jancsika 6y ago
> This speaks more to the author’s selfishness (more accurately childishness) rather than anger. I think it speaks more to a lack of organizational skills. Have a single, low-impact moment of indignation on your birthday, then plan accordingly. :)
AlexandrB 6y ago
I think you're reading too much into the example. Later on the author expands on the event: > He was by my side as I experienced the flash of anger—which wasn’t so much about the fact that my friend hadn’t gotten me a gift, but the fact that he had endeavored to explain it away, to make excuses for himself, and the larger pattern of behavior that was embedded in…—and that was when my eyes darted in the direction of where I knew the trash can was. That's not even mentioning that we are not privy to all the details and history of the author's relationship with her friend.
coyotespike 6y ago
I disagree. There's nothing childish about "a flash of anger" - most people have many small impulses and feelings. I'd bet many people might make a small joke about the situation - but the joke depends on precisely that small unhappiness, even if they won't admit it (or can't, because they're not aware of it). "A flash of anger" (in the author's words) is very different from "fly[ing] off the handle" (in your words). Only the latter is childish. Being aware of the former sounds like your mature, balanced last sentence, where you still might have a little judgment about what you've been given but you're still responding with grace to the other person.
- patcon 6y ago
  I'm thinking deeply on your comment, and appreciate it. Aren't these just degrees of the same? I'm not sure the value of cultivating positive view of the small manifestation, but then scolding it when it becomes big. Imho, yes it's understandable, but not a perspective we should value as part of our growth -- we should just work to will it out of our minds, and maybe someday succeed? Yours seems like a perspective that's valorizing the control of the impulse, putting fault in "lack of control", but still aspiring to salvage a wisdom compass from the feeling...? Many would say the core feeling doesn't truly serve us in any way that something more positive couldn't equally stand in for. Regardless, I appreciate your sharing your perspective. I'm willing to consider we're both right, and mumble mumble "different strokes for different folks", and the world works out only when we can both push for it as we please :)
  - NortySpock 6y ago
    Not your parent poster, but I view the initial emotional reaction to an event as "an emotion that is to be observed, cannot be prevented, but must only reach the surface if the situation calls for it." Say you are talking in a small group of people. You perceive something that someone says to you as an implied insult. You _will_ feel a flash of anger, you should observe that you are angry as it bubbles up through you, but you MUST choose (a) whether or not they meant it as an insult , (b) whether or not to let it show on your face and (c) if you are going to call it out gently, call it out with a "Hey!", or turn into a pillar of rage in public (unwise, of course, but an option). But in that moment, when you feel that initial impulse of emotion, I assert (without evidence) that the emotion cannot be suppressed -- only your outward appearance can be modulated.
    - patcon 6y ago
      I think this is really thoughtful. In mindfulness practices, I've heard it mentioned as "noting without judgement". Maybe this is all just a matter of labels :)
      - clankyclanker 6y ago
agumonkey 6y ago
It's all wise but when you keep giving more than you receieve, you end up d[r]ying faster.
watwut 6y ago
The author did not flied ofd the handle and was not childish. The author experiences emotion which the author recognized, controlled, analyzed where it came from. The emotion itself helped the to realize long term pattern of behavior of the other person and think about it more and decide what to do about it. So it was both useful emotion and author succesfully controlled reaction to it. What is also good is that author does not pretend the emotion did not existed and is not trying to pretend that everything was pure logic whole time.
BurningFrog 6y ago
One thing to keep in mind is that we are all biased. If you ask people to divide something fairly between themselves and someone else, they'll probably do it 60/40 in their own favor, while being convinced it was a fair split. So it can make sense to apply an "I'm maybe being a jerk" discount in many situations. Or think that they probably can't see their own bias.

jancsika 6y ago

> This speaks more to the author’s selfishness (more accurately childishness) rather than anger. I think it speaks more to a lack of organizational skills. Have a single, low-impact moment of indignation on your birthday, then plan accordingly. :)

AlexandrB 6y ago

I think you're reading too much into the example. Later on the author expands on the event: > He was by my side as I experienced the flash of anger—which wasn’t so much about the fact that my friend hadn’t gotten me a gift, but the fact that he had endeavored to explain it away, to make excuses for himself, and the larger pattern of behavior that was embedded in…—and that was when my eyes darted in the direction of where I knew the trash can was. That's not even mentioning that we are not privy to all the details and history of the author's relationship with her friend.

coyotespike 6y ago

I disagree. There's nothing childish about "a flash of anger" - most people have many small impulses and feelings. I'd bet many people might make a small joke about the situation - but the joke depends on precisely that small unhappiness, even if they won't admit it (or can't, because they're not aware of it). "A flash of anger" (in the author's words) is very different from "fly[ing] off the handle" (in your words). Only the latter is childish. Being aware of the former sounds like your mature, balanced last sentence, where you still might have a little judgment about what you've been given but you're still responding with grace to the other person.

patcon 6y ago
I'm thinking deeply on your comment, and appreciate it. Aren't these just degrees of the same? I'm not sure the value of cultivating positive view of the small manifestation, but then scolding it when it becomes big. Imho, yes it's understandable, but not a perspective we should value as part of our growth -- we should just work to will it out of our minds, and maybe someday succeed? Yours seems like a perspective that's valorizing the control of the impulse, putting fault in "lack of control", but still aspiring to salvage a wisdom compass from the feeling...? Many would say the core feeling doesn't truly serve us in any way that something more positive couldn't equally stand in for. Regardless, I appreciate your sharing your perspective. I'm willing to consider we're both right, and mumble mumble "different strokes for different folks", and the world works out only when we can both push for it as we please :)
- NortySpock 6y ago
  Not your parent poster, but I view the initial emotional reaction to an event as "an emotion that is to be observed, cannot be prevented, but must only reach the surface if the situation calls for it." Say you are talking in a small group of people. You perceive something that someone says to you as an implied insult. You _will_ feel a flash of anger, you should observe that you are angry as it bubbles up through you, but you MUST choose (a) whether or not they meant it as an insult , (b) whether or not to let it show on your face and (c) if you are going to call it out gently, call it out with a "Hey!", or turn into a pillar of rage in public (unwise, of course, but an option). But in that moment, when you feel that initial impulse of emotion, I assert (without evidence) that the emotion cannot be suppressed -- only your outward appearance can be modulated.
  - patcon 6y ago
    I think this is really thoughtful. In mindfulness practices, I've heard it mentioned as "noting without judgement". Maybe this is all just a matter of labels :)
    - clankyclanker 6y ago

agumonkey 6y ago

It's all wise but when you keep giving more than you receieve, you end up d[r]ying faster.

watwut 6y ago

The author did not flied ofd the handle and was not childish. The author experiences emotion which the author recognized, controlled, analyzed where it came from. The emotion itself helped the to realize long term pattern of behavior of the other person and think about it more and decide what to do about it. So it was both useful emotion and author succesfully controlled reaction to it. What is also good is that author does not pretend the emotion did not existed and is not trying to pretend that everything was pure logic whole time.

BurningFrog 6y ago

One thing to keep in mind is that we are all biased. If you ask people to divide something fairly between themselves and someone else, they'll probably do it 60/40 in their own favor, while being convinced it was a fair split. So it can make sense to apply an "I'm maybe being a jerk" discount in many situations. Or think that they probably can't see their own bias.