8 ms·

> 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly

• DoreenMichele 6y ago
  Yeah. When it goes like that my internal reaction is typically "Good riddance. Don't let the screen door hit you on your way out. Thank god I don't have to listen to one more minute of your whiny shit ever again because we are so done."
  • glouwbug 6y ago
    People don't like complainers. Plain matter of fact is your significant other sees you as the rock in the relationship, which is likely why the relationship works, and by complaining the foundation their attraction was built on was shaken.
    • DoreenMichele 6y ago
      I was actually thinking of the year when I was bedridden for several months and my life hung in the balance for the entire year and a female friend -- my best friend when I was a military wife stationed in Germany -- managed to get hold of me after not hearing from me for several months while I fought for my life and she went on for 45 minutes about her really minor whiny shit without so much as asking me how I was and I finally interrupted her and said something about how I didn't have the energy for this because I was fighting for my life. That was the end of that phone call and I never heard from her again. Good. Riddance. I absolutely didn't need another thing leeching away my limited energy that year.
      • glouwbug 6y ago
        I hope you're doing well now. Happiest of holidays to you, Doreen.
        • DoreenMichele 6y ago
          Other than my perpetually dicey finances, I am doing well. My health seems to have stabilized recently and, with that, I seem to no longer be suicidal. Happy holidays.
          • njdullea 6y ago
            Happy holidays
      • Brian_K_White 6y ago
        I sometimes do something essentially the same as your former friend because I think the person with the problem probably wants to be treated like a normal person to feel as normal as possible instead of as a charity pity case. And to take their mind off of their completely obvious problems of the moment. IE, "I know my leg is cut off, we don't need to go over it and over it ..." I figure everyone in the world is smothering them with that so I will not do that. However, I know that is a gamble and had I judged that wrong, and someone said "Hello can it be about me today instead of about you? just today? My leg... is gone... I'm not over it." I would NOT be hanging up and never call again. I might possibly if the way you said it didn't clue me in why you were saying it. If I felt you really didn't want to hear from me at a time like that, then I'd be gone. gone. I thought I would be there for someone when the chips were down and they apparently do not value that from me. What a dumbass I've been. I started this comment with the intention to say essentially "If you were worried at all that you did something wrong, don't." because even if there had been that initial mis-reading of intentions, that doesn't explain disappearing, so it's squarely on them. But right at the end there while actuallly writing this, I realized there is a responsibility for communication on everyone's part. I realized there is a plausible sequence of events where I had good intentions and you had good intentions and I had reasonable reactions and you had reasonable reactions and still we both came away thinking the other person is not great. So now I no longer know if I have a point. Well these worthless thoughts were free at least. :)
    • watermelon59 6y ago
      That sounds like something the likes of Jordan Peterson would say. One of the best things my therapist did to me this year was get me off of Jordan Peterson. I was spiraling down in self-doubt because I listened to him so much. It’s one hell of a miserable relationship if you can’t rely on your partner to have a receptive ear to listen to the things that bother you or make you sad.
      • bnjms 6y ago
        The most confusing thing about the Jordan Peterson popularity was how some people seemed to take the opposite meaning from what I heard him actually saying. I don’t mean his detractors which took uncharitable interpretations but his fans. It was really bizarre since I listened to him enough to realize he wasn’t saying much he was just saying it in a way some group listened.
      • fuckminster_b 6y ago
        My ex was secretly longing for the kind of man I could easily be by taking Jordan Peterson's advice. She knew I was not when we met. Her views changed and she expected mine to change with hers. I signalled as brightly as I could that my love for her was true, but that my convictions are not subject to my feelings. When she told me about "that guy from work" I knew immediately that it was more than mere sympathy on her part, but according to my convictions I did not pull a macho man to persuade her to stay with me, figuring if she loved me like I loved her, I had nothing to fear. I would have forgiven her having an affair, sometimes attraction can be overpowering. She apparently registered nothing of all this, cheated me and after finally telling me she now loved work guy, her last communication before blocking me was basically "I'm happy and don't care about the 10 years of us together any more". It took me a while to sort myself out after that, but the conclusion I arrived at: Fuck that bitch, good riddance. I already changed more about myself for her than she ever deserved. I don't blame Jordan Peterson.
    • closeparen 6y ago
      I like to hear about my friends' inner lives. Not all the time, and I have to already care about the person first, but it gives me a sense of intimacy and trust. It feels impersonal and dissatisfying when someone maintains a "crushing it!" front too well. Like we are just Facebook acquaintances.
• hoka-one-one 6y ago
  Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.
  • sweetheart 6y ago
    This seems like a very dangerous generalization.
    • hi5eyes 6y ago
      not really
    • damudel 6y ago
      It's an experience many men have had. It's pretty difficult to get real data on beyond the anecdotes of many men. Shouldn't matter really, but most men find that it stings when the women in their lives just don't look at them the same way anymore; they perceive that they are now less in their eyes. Men who stay aloof and emotionally distant enjoy women's attraction. Also an anecdote of many men. That said the truly powerful man will not care and is unconcerned with the loss of women.
  • Pfhreak 6y ago
    Citation needed. Complaining is one thing, sure, but expressing a wide range of emotions (including healthy expressions of sadness, frustration, fear, etc.) is considered pretty positive and good by the women I know. Crying is important, normal, and healthy.
    • damudel 6y ago
      Most men I know have experienced what he describes; why not believe it? I agree with the sentiment though that there should be research conducted so that it can be understood and be cited to back up men's experiences. Could also be false, but I'm inclined to believe men's experiences.
• gabereiser 6y ago
  This is how you separate fake friends from real ones. Sorry it's been so shitty.
• cosmodisk 6y ago
  The reality is that 99% of people don't really want to hear other people's problems. Most people want to have someone to tell their problems. The other 1% can be considered as very good friends.
• im3w1l 6y ago
  Everyone saying she was a shit friend but she may not even have realized how you perceived it or that you wanted to keep talking about it.
• nearbuy 6y ago
  In contrast to some of the other replies, I don't find your friend's response particularly unexpected. She probably didn't mean to be hurtful. People often don't know how to respond to hearing other people's problems. They don't always know how you're feeling. Sometimes they try to commiserate by relating about their own problems. I think most single guys are experiencing similar problems right now with online dating. It's tough. Your friend may have misjudged how much you wanted to talk about it. Often the best way to get the response you're looking for is to straight-up tell the person (politely) how you're feeling and what you want from them.
• scythe 6y ago
  I think this happened basically: https://youtube.com/watch?v=x81M3g3zjXc https://youtube.com/watch?v=x81M3g3zjXc
• apatters 6y ago
  > 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly wonderful to you because you did that but it's usually counterproductive. > 3. Signaling desperation attracts predators far more often than it attracts real friends. Yep, these are excellent and hugely valuable life lessons. There is a real and common tendency among humans to react to negativity by either running away or moving in for the kill. On the surface this is a depressing realization, as you get older you come to understand that nobody really gives a fuck (maybe a handful of people do if you're lucky, but I'm convinced that many don't even know how to care about someone else). Most relationships are only skin deep. However it's also a powerful revelation, it gives you a tool for understanding people and that tool can change your life. If you suspect someone may be involved with you simply to take advantage (emotionally, financially, sexually, socially, whatever), you can start asking them for things. The ones that care will give you what you ask for. The ones that don't will disappear almost immediately (which is one hell of a moment of clarity when you've known them for years). When you feel a relationship is one-sided and you ask the other person (nicely) to do something which will even out the score, the result is always a win. If they value the relationship you get what you want and the relationship is reaffirmed. If they don't then a toxic relationship ends and you can go focus on the healthy ones. This tool is so powerful that it's really on you to be fair and strike a balance. Once you start using it you'll find it's surprisingly easy to overuse, there are a lot of people who have problems with saying no. There are no rules but I try to strike a 50/50 balance of give and take even when the other person says they're happy. Aside from your innate sense of fairness the only other real check on your ability to use other people is your reputation (that's an enormous one over time, though).
  • fuckminster_b 6y ago
    I found setting up a situation that enables the "friend" in question to profit from your supposed bad luck or better yet, their "informational advantage" over your bumbling sorry ass a very reliable friend-o-Meter. Several times now, I have invested (and lost) a mere 200 bucks in exchange for certainty about someone I might have otherwise considered a true friend and lost much higher, had I relied on this belief. If you can convince someone that they're in a position to rip you off for handsome gain without you ever getting wise to it, you won't be left with any doubts about who's a friend. If only everything in life were this simple…