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I'm not 100% certain but I think often times people who are the biggest assholes are usually that way precisely because they're afraid of being themselves

by warent 6y ago

refulgentis 6y ago
As someone who was occasionally afflicted by this for a while...yes, 1000x yes. My outcomes in complicated situations building over long time spans has completely changed the last year or two because now I choose to be an _incremental_ asshole. i.e. I speak up much earlier than I used to, when I thought it'd be 'mean', preventing things from deviating so far from my comfort zone that eventually I need to address everything I was uncomfortable with, all at once.
- tertius 6y ago
  Yes, don't let people step on you from day 1. Boundaries. It's hard, you just want it to be a small infraction and then everything will be fine in the future. That's rare. At least it is in my experience.
roenxi 6y ago
Fairly simple example, but assuming a little bit of nature in the nature vs. nurture argument there are probably a fair number of men out there who get a real kick out of being violent. I encourage them not to 'be yourself' except in some very specific circumstances. A much better strategy than 'be yourself' is 'try to understand why other people think you are wrong'. That is a strategy that can improve over time. 'Be yourself' literally locks in whatever mistakes a person is already making. Not going to judge anyone who goes with 'be yourself' but let the record show it is a bad way to approach life unless a body is very lucky in who their self is.
- tertius 6y ago
  Do you really believe 'be yourself' is a suggestion to be a jerk if you are a jerk? Jerks don't have a problem being jerks in my experience...
  - roenxi 6y ago
    > Do you really believe 'be yourself' is a suggestion to be a jerk if you are a jerk? It is advice. There is a real risk that advice is going to be taken litearlly If "be yourself" is a metaphor of some sort that means "assess if your personality needs change and then change it if you are a jerk" then that needs to be what people say in the first place. And realistically even then 'jerk' is too abstract. This is advice that requires psychic powers to interpret and as such is bad advice.
    - tertius 6y ago
      No, it means be honest. Don't pretend to know more than you do, be nicer, kinder, funnier, more generous etc. than you are... I thought "be yourself" was a little more universally understood. It's very good advice. Stop pretending so that you can accept where you are, deal with it and improve for the better.
      - xwdv 6y ago
        Maybe it's better to say "Don't be someone you're not." instead.

I'm not 100% certain but I think often times people who are the biggest assholes are usually that way precisely because they're afraid of being themselves

by warent 6y ago

I'm not 100% certain but I think often times people who are the biggest assholes are usually that way precisely because they're afraid of being themselves

refulgentis 6y ago

As someone who was occasionally afflicted by this for a while...yes, 1000x yes. My outcomes in complicated situations building over long time spans has completely changed the last year or two because now I choose to be an _incremental_ asshole. i.e. I speak up much earlier than I used to, when I thought it'd be 'mean', preventing things from deviating so far from my comfort zone that eventually I need to address everything I was uncomfortable with, all at once.

tertius 6y ago
Yes, don't let people step on you from day 1. Boundaries. It's hard, you just want it to be a small infraction and then everything will be fine in the future. That's rare. At least it is in my experience.

roenxi 6y ago

Fairly simple example, but assuming a little bit of nature in the nature vs. nurture argument there are probably a fair number of men out there who get a real kick out of being violent. I encourage them not to 'be yourself' except in some very specific circumstances. A much better strategy than 'be yourself' is 'try to understand why other people think you are wrong'. That is a strategy that can improve over time. 'Be yourself' literally locks in whatever mistakes a person is already making. Not going to judge anyone who goes with 'be yourself' but let the record show it is a bad way to approach life unless a body is very lucky in who their self is.

tertius 6y ago
Do you really believe 'be yourself' is a suggestion to be a jerk if you are a jerk? Jerks don't have a problem being jerks in my experience...
- roenxi 6y ago
  > Do you really believe 'be yourself' is a suggestion to be a jerk if you are a jerk? It is advice. There is a real risk that advice is going to be taken litearlly If "be yourself" is a metaphor of some sort that means "assess if your personality needs change and then change it if you are a jerk" then that needs to be what people say in the first place. And realistically even then 'jerk' is too abstract. This is advice that requires psychic powers to interpret and as such is bad advice.
  - tertius 6y ago
    No, it means be honest. Don't pretend to know more than you do, be nicer, kinder, funnier, more generous etc. than you are... I thought "be yourself" was a little more universally understood. It's very good advice. Stop pretending so that you can accept where you are, deal with it and improve for the better.
    - xwdv 6y ago
      Maybe it's better to say "Don't be someone you're not." instead.