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Summary: * Figure out a good way not to hire a 2-faced asshole, because it ain't easy to fix. * Making someone change their normal behavior may deplete their

Summary: * Figure out a good way not to hire a 2-faced asshole, because it ain't easy to fix. * Making someone change their normal behavior may deplete their energy in the short-term, and they'll come off as fake. So, if you're after that, go full on Pygmalion, and give it some time to set in; some crap two-week HR course won't cut it. * Be yourself. It's less work and you'll come off as more real.

arcticbull 6y ago
Be yourself is terrible advice! Be yourself unless you’re a dick, in which case seriously consider being someone else.
- warent 6y ago
  I'm not 100% certain but I think often times people who are the biggest assholes are usually that way precisely because they're afraid of being themselves
  - refulgentis 6y ago
    As someone who was occasionally afflicted by this for a while...yes, 1000x yes. My outcomes in complicated situations building over long time spans has completely changed the last year or two because now I choose to be an _incremental_ asshole. i.e. I speak up much earlier than I used to, when I thought it'd be 'mean', preventing things from deviating so far from my comfort zone that eventually I need to address everything I was uncomfortable with, all at once.
    - tertius 6y ago
      Yes, don't let people step on you from day 1. Boundaries. It's hard, you just want it to be a small infraction and then everything will be fine in the future. That's rare. At least it is in my experience.
  - roenxi 6y ago
    Fairly simple example, but assuming a little bit of nature in the nature vs. nurture argument there are probably a fair number of men out there who get a real kick out of being violent. I encourage them not to 'be yourself' except in some very specific circumstances. A much better strategy than 'be yourself' is 'try to understand why other people think you are wrong'. That is a strategy that can improve over time. 'Be yourself' literally locks in whatever mistakes a person is already making. Not going to judge anyone who goes with 'be yourself' but let the record show it is a bad way to approach life unless a body is very lucky in who their self is.
    - tertius 6y ago
      Do you really believe 'be yourself' is a suggestion to be a jerk if you are a jerk? Jerks don't have a problem being jerks in my experience...
      - roenxi 6y ago
        > Do you really believe 'be yourself' is a suggestion to be a jerk if you are a jerk? It is advice. There is a real risk that advice is going to be taken litearlly If "be yourself" is a metaphor of some sort that means "assess if your personality needs change and then change it if you are a jerk" then that needs to be what people say in the first place. And realistically even then 'jerk' is too abstract. This is advice that requires psychic powers to interpret and as such is bad advice.
        tertius 6y ago
        No, it means be honest. Don't pretend to know more than you do, be nicer, kinder, funnier, more generous etc. than you are... I thought "be yourself" was a little more universally understood. It's very good advice. Stop pretending so that you can accept where you are, deal with it and improve for the better.
        xwdv 6y ago
        Maybe it's better to say "Don't be someone you're not." instead.
- scotty79 6y ago
  Be yourself is a good advice even if you are a dick. Maybe not good for you persobally but for everyone else so they know early they should steer clear of you and never get attached to you.
  - treeman79 6y ago
    There are certainly groups were People are uncomfortable unless everyone is a dick.
- wolco2 6y ago
  Be who you want to become.
  - ytwySXpMbS 6y ago
    I think it’s more important to accept who you are. Just pretending isn’t going to change anything, maybe deep mental health therapy can change you in some ways, but just pretending is exhausting and people will be able to tell.
    - warent 6y ago
      It is very important to accept who you are, and you can simultaneously accept who you are capable of becoming because that is equally who you are. For example, if you feel deep inside that you want to be an athlete, well that's a part of who you are, even if you're obese. You can embrace that by working toward becoming an athlete. Start living like an athlete in ways that you can. In corporate situations this is a lot less ambiguous, where if you want to be promoted then you have to do the work of at least 1 rank above yourself before you're officially at that level. If you feel like you're pretending and it's exhausting, then it either means you're not being true to yourself (you're not meant to become that) or you're suffering from imposter syndrome.
- compiler-guy 6y ago
  There is an old saying: "Be yourself. But always be your better self." People are complex, with many facets. Sometimes they act one way, sometimes they act another, and both of those can be true to the good, flawed, and inconsistent being that we are. We have better sides, and they are just as a part of ourselves as our flawed sides.
- nullsense 6y ago
  Some people are just terrible and they can't fake being otherwise.
integrate-this 6y ago
What paper did you read? It wasn't the one that was linked which stated the opposite of what you just said.

arcticbull 6y ago

Be yourself is terrible advice! Be yourself unless you’re a dick, in which case seriously consider being someone else.

warent 6y ago
I'm not 100% certain but I think often times people who are the biggest assholes are usually that way precisely because they're afraid of being themselves
- refulgentis 6y ago
  As someone who was occasionally afflicted by this for a while...yes, 1000x yes. My outcomes in complicated situations building over long time spans has completely changed the last year or two because now I choose to be an _incremental_ asshole. i.e. I speak up much earlier than I used to, when I thought it'd be 'mean', preventing things from deviating so far from my comfort zone that eventually I need to address everything I was uncomfortable with, all at once.
  - tertius 6y ago
    Yes, don't let people step on you from day 1. Boundaries. It's hard, you just want it to be a small infraction and then everything will be fine in the future. That's rare. At least it is in my experience.
- roenxi 6y ago
  Fairly simple example, but assuming a little bit of nature in the nature vs. nurture argument there are probably a fair number of men out there who get a real kick out of being violent. I encourage them not to 'be yourself' except in some very specific circumstances. A much better strategy than 'be yourself' is 'try to understand why other people think you are wrong'. That is a strategy that can improve over time. 'Be yourself' literally locks in whatever mistakes a person is already making. Not going to judge anyone who goes with 'be yourself' but let the record show it is a bad way to approach life unless a body is very lucky in who their self is.
  - tertius 6y ago
    Do you really believe 'be yourself' is a suggestion to be a jerk if you are a jerk? Jerks don't have a problem being jerks in my experience...
    - roenxi 6y ago
      > Do you really believe 'be yourself' is a suggestion to be a jerk if you are a jerk? It is advice. There is a real risk that advice is going to be taken litearlly If "be yourself" is a metaphor of some sort that means "assess if your personality needs change and then change it if you are a jerk" then that needs to be what people say in the first place. And realistically even then 'jerk' is too abstract. This is advice that requires psychic powers to interpret and as such is bad advice.
      - tertius 6y ago
        No, it means be honest. Don't pretend to know more than you do, be nicer, kinder, funnier, more generous etc. than you are... I thought "be yourself" was a little more universally understood. It's very good advice. Stop pretending so that you can accept where you are, deal with it and improve for the better.
        xwdv 6y ago
        Maybe it's better to say "Don't be someone you're not." instead.
scotty79 6y ago
Be yourself is a good advice even if you are a dick. Maybe not good for you persobally but for everyone else so they know early they should steer clear of you and never get attached to you.
- treeman79 6y ago
  There are certainly groups were People are uncomfortable unless everyone is a dick.
wolco2 6y ago
Be who you want to become.
- ytwySXpMbS 6y ago
  I think it’s more important to accept who you are. Just pretending isn’t going to change anything, maybe deep mental health therapy can change you in some ways, but just pretending is exhausting and people will be able to tell.
  - warent 6y ago
    It is very important to accept who you are, and you can simultaneously accept who you are capable of becoming because that is equally who you are. For example, if you feel deep inside that you want to be an athlete, well that's a part of who you are, even if you're obese. You can embrace that by working toward becoming an athlete. Start living like an athlete in ways that you can. In corporate situations this is a lot less ambiguous, where if you want to be promoted then you have to do the work of at least 1 rank above yourself before you're officially at that level. If you feel like you're pretending and it's exhausting, then it either means you're not being true to yourself (you're not meant to become that) or you're suffering from imposter syndrome.
compiler-guy 6y ago
There is an old saying: "Be yourself. But always be your better self." People are complex, with many facets. Sometimes they act one way, sometimes they act another, and both of those can be true to the good, flawed, and inconsistent being that we are. We have better sides, and they are just as a part of ourselves as our flawed sides.
nullsense 6y ago
Some people are just terrible and they can't fake being otherwise.

integrate-this 6y ago

What paper did you read? It wasn't the one that was linked which stated the opposite of what you just said.