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Nowhere else to post this so here it goes. I lost my job in January. From January - March I started looking for a job and then COVID hits at the height of my s

Nowhere else to post this so here it goes. I lost my job in January. From January - March I started looking for a job and then COVID hits at the height of my search, now suddenly no one is hiring and all the businesses are slowing down. My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday in June before I had a chance to propose to her, I had to return the ring, she had no idea and I never told her about it. I have been hardly able to keep it together from the summer until now. I have no one to rely on for support. Meanwhile all the politics and election stress has had an impact on everyone including me. I managed to find a job but I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from depression. I spend most of my time mindlessly browsing HN or Reddit, eating whatever I find and sleeping late. It has been an extremely stressful and emotionally exhausting time.

bananamerica 6y ago
Holy shit. Couldn’t she wait like a week or so? We’re things that bad? No disrespect, but good thing you’re not marrying her.
febed 6y ago
Congrats on the job! Hope things work out for you on the personal front too. Tip: I finally managed to overcome my multi year Reddit addiction using Cold Turkey on my PC and Adguard + Applock on my phone. Adguard blocks the URL and Applock restricts access to Adguard itself.
jmhwang7 6y ago
Hi swat535. I'm sorry that all happened to you this year. :( I really hope things take a turn for the better soon.
sharkweek 6y ago
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. To be blunt, it sounds like you’ve been tossed into a blender, and I can’t think of anyone in my life who could have gone through all of what you just described and not feel exhausted so please keep that in mind. It sounds like a lot. I don’t have any advice to give except, if you are able, find and speak to a professional therapist. I thought I was above that sort of thing until my own mental health got so bad it was basically one of my only options. One thing I wish someone had told me in my mental health journey - If you don’t connect with the first (or second, or third) therapist you meet with, fire them and look for a new one. You won’t offend the first (or second, or third) therapist because they have the same goal you do, which is to get you into a better place. It took me three tries to make the right connection with someone I spent about six months working with and it has made a big improvement in my well being. Sending positive vibes!
- avtar 6y ago
  > One thing I wish someone had told me in my mental health journey - If you don’t connect with the first (or second, or third) therapist you meet with, fire them and look for a new one. 100% this. I was thankful when someone gave me this advice and finally found a therapist that's been such a huge help in dealing with depression. If you (swat535, or anyone) need someone to talk to please hit me up, my email is in my profile.
- edem 6y ago
  I second this. A therapist can help _A LOT_. I spent 3 years in therapy and my life changed to the better.
  - Slaren 6y ago
    As for the therapist, I can give some recommendations, because many people have difficulties with this and I can understand them. It is just necessary to refer to professionals and without that there is no way. But by the way, you don't have to go somewhere, you can even sit at home and get the necessary help. I already know how to achieve this. You just need to always address to professionals. This is a good option in fact. I already know, I have found an excellent therapy here https://calmerry.com/text-therapy/ https://calmerry.com/text-therapy/ . They have helped me a lot and I am sincerely grateful to them. I hope that it will be the same in the future. These are real professionals who know what to do and how to do it.
- ilikeerp 6y ago
  I wish we could drop the word 'vulnerable'; that's what a gazelle is before a lion rips its head off. The OP was open and honest rather than vulnerable. If we want equality and open dialogue, we have to be careful to make our language inclusive. 'Vulnerable' is associated with being weak for some people and isn't an inclusive word. I don't consider myself vulnerable when I share something close to my heart. I would never share anything in a space where being 'vulnerable' was encouraged. Open and honest.. not vulerable.
  - Pokepokalypse 6y ago
antonzabirko 6y ago
Hey! Its me, minus the girlfriend, job, and career history :(. Sorry to hear about your gf tho
gricardo99 6y ago
That’s rough, sorry to hear that. You’ve been hanging in there, despite these very trying times, and managed to get a job. Keep it up. Keep hanging in there, things will get better.
samatman 6y ago
My condolences on a truly rough year, I hope things start to look up for you. I had a similar cataclysm in 2007, let me share one sliver of advice: what you're experiencing is grief, rather than depression. They feel similar but they come from different places. That's it; any attempt to try and tell you how to feel about it or what to do would be out of place. Good luck.
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
walty8 6y ago
Just some experiences of mine, I had been really stressful when trying to get a job, long time ago. And eventually I started the jogging at the time. To me, it's like sort of hedge, if I got my job later, I got a heathier body due to more work out. In other words, the destiny is not going to screw me up on both sides :) Actually, I kept on jogging even after I got the job later, I don't know why but that does make you feel a bit better about life.
- baoha 6y ago
  This! Your body will benefit from happy hormones produced after workout. I was in similar position and running 3-4 times a week helped a lot.
DangitBobby 6y ago
I find that Reddit sucks the joy out of my day. There's just something about that site.
- i5heu 6y ago
  The world is burning in a lot of ways. Am I think the content on Reddit represents the realisation and fears of that. I was getting super depressed lately and cut, as a result of that, almost all news, Reddit and Twitter out of my life. The situation is just to crazy to deal with it every day.
  - flightless 6y ago
    The world isn't burning, the media definitely is though. That's a dying animal doing everything it can to keep your eyes glued to the "latest disaster" and their ads of course. We are going to get a vaccine and slowly work back to normal. If you are concerned about the world, do something about your little slice of the world. Pick up some trash and drop some groceries off for an elderly neighbor.
    - caseyw 6y ago
      ^ I have a hard time being down when I’m helping others. The opportunity is all around us. Thanks for posting flightless!
    - Fumtumi 6y ago
      The world is burning. This summer was the third very dry summer in germany. A dryness i haven't seen before. A dryness which hurt the trees outside of my window as they did not get enough water, which i also have not seen. But don't get me wrong. Knowing whats going on is stressful, reading irrelevant drama and not reading about people who are changing and trying to change the world is frustrating. Instead of reading about new and less co2 producing stuff, i read about an idiot trump who plays kindergarden tantrum on the highest political level. The level which should give a direction and guidance. And yes i'm not from the USA but if 'not even' the USA can do it, i can't expect a lot more countries not to do it. At least my country is reasonable boring and smart (yes germany go germany :P)
hutzlibu 6y ago
"My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday in June before I had a chance to propose to her" Well, there is a bright side to it. If you would have married and it was about to break soon after, you would have the joy of a legal divorce now on top of it. Instead you are free to find someone new. Possibly better fitting. The world is full of women and other awesome people, you can still connect with. A bit harder now, true, but nevertheless possible, once you manage to get out of that hole. So if you don't manage on your own, maybe stop wasting your time mindless browsing and seek professional help or find people, online or offline, to help you throuhg.
- regularjack 6y ago
  I think dismissing the end of a 13 year relationship with the "plenty of fish in the sea" argument and saying "stop wasting your time" is probably not what OP needs to hear right now.
  - OPchose88 6y ago
    OP can post on a therapy forum not an open forum where frank but non-caustic conversation is allowed. Connect with real mental health people. Not distant randos via text that doesn’t really help biological processes work themselves out. Everyone has issues, not just from covid. Someone is always losing a family member or separating. You may not know it and make all manner of comments. What Americans need to do really is get over the obvious failures of their culture and redirect their agency to fixing it concretely. I look forward to screen addicts doing the opposite.
    - wholinator2 6y ago
      Right, right. But come on man. This is literally a post entitled "Are you depressed". Did you really expect no one to come post a story? I understand the point about the hard logical instructions rather than the soft warm consolation but have some compassion, some empathy for your fellow human. Telling the guy he should just go to therapy instead of posting his story on a thread that's _literally asking for his story_ is the same kind of hard uncaring logicism as the parent comment. Please, I beg of all of you, do not forget what kindness and compassion can do for all of us, and that no matter where we are now, life and success is fragile and can be taken in an instant. Are we all anti-social corporate robots on here? So much so that the usual 'all business' crowd is now attempting to convert any 'human and not business' threads back into the corporate ethos? Why can't we just say something nice or leave and go back to toxifying about the latest Twitter gaff or apple device. As much as you can say that this forum is about silicon dreams, I can say this forum is equally about the human minds that have them. This forum and more its tone is what we make it, and the recent anti social push worries me and threatens to push any actual compassion away.
Fishysoup 6y ago
Try therapy and, if necessary, medication. Both of those have completely turned my life around. Things are still shitty sometimes (esp. during Covid), but way better than a few years ago.
pedro1976 6y ago
Thats tough. My usual strategy to cope with situations like this is to sign up as a part-time waiter. Its quite physical job, which is good, cause physical work is satisfying in itself, and you have a lot of positive social interactions. This usually distracts me enough and offers enough socialization to be emotionally stable. Maybe this helps. Good luck!
- f0ok 6y ago
  This is an interesting approach - you're going out of your comfort zone yet making it productive for yourself and helpful for others. I've recently started something similar to push bad moods away - decided to work as a nurse in an isolated community. I won't do it for long, but I feel good useful.
  - pedro1976 6y ago
    The interesting aspect in this particular case is that going out of the comfort zone is more comfortable than staying in it.
aspaviento 6y ago
> My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday This is something I'll never understand. How can someone be with another person for so long and be able to end up things in such drastic manner (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship)? I mean, if you hadn't any idea that this could happen then did your partner never try to fix whatever problem you had before taking that decision?
- mettamage 6y ago
  > (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship) That's a big assumption. Maybe it's me, but when I look around, I see a lot of hidden tensions in people who've been together for a long time. In most cases, I'd say it borders toxicity. Relationships are tough. IMO what predicts that people stay together is that they're capable of navigating it, it doesn't even matter if the navigation is unhealthy (i.e. like some of my family members, they'll stay together until death, but there are some painful sacrifices both parties are making).
  - Fumtumi 6y ago
    I'm very direct sometimes. Like it could be that my wife wants to be nice to me and buys something specific and i just say 'ah you shouldn't buy that, it produces so much garbage (lots of wrapping)' and she answers 'yeah i know but i thought you like it so i bought it for you'. Might not be the perfect example but whenever something similar happens, it feels to me that i took a little bit of 'fun' and 'nice gesture' out of our relationship by saying this kind of things. On the other hand, if i would never say something (and of course vice versa) we would be stuck but we would not have those small disappointments in our relationship. But i regret those things because it is much nicer to see your significant other being happy about making you happy. It is so much easier not to offend someone when you just follow your own set of rules for yourself. Like not telling someone, who just 'drooped' garbage that they just 'drooped' garbage. It is 100 times harder when it is your partner. Now we don't have any secrets between each other anymore. But that was a long long way and not easy. Now imagine a Relationship which wouldn't do that. You can easily start living next to each other over a longer period of time and then suddenly you realize that you crossed that border.
znpy 6y ago
If I may suggest something... Everybody hurts from time to time, hardships are part of life. In situations like this it's important to focus on things you can control instead of being sad about things you can't control. You might consider that now you life is again a blank canvas, and you can rebuild it. Everything's in discussion again, you're not encumbered by a relationship, the possibilities are endless! Your destiny looked like set in stone, and now it's yours again for designing and implementing :) Good luck!
- tasuki 6y ago
  I know I shouldn't, but I'm secretly a little envious of people who are starting from scratch with absolute freedom. I kind of have it all, except for total freedom. I really have nothing to complain about and my life is great. Still, there was this time when I had nothing but a bicycle with four panniers of things for several months, wasn't sure where I'd sleep next, had to withstand cold and rain, and it was easily the singular best experience of my life. I'm not in a situation to repeat that now. Also I fear I wouldn't have the right mindset to repeat that - I've become lazy and complacent.
  - jtxx 6y ago
    grappling with this myself these days. I would happily choose music over food years back. but once i started making code money, i got so comfortable. built up a whole world and « lifestyle » that now I (feel like I) have to maintain. and it feels like that’s how life continues to go as you accumulate a partner, pet, kids... you keep building up this house of cards that gets harder and harder to prevent from it all falling down. i dunno, sometimes I just wanna stop and run in the other direction because it feels like i’m doing it all wrong despite these being « markers of success ».
    - shafyy 6y ago
      I recommend reading "To Have or to Be" by Erich Fromm. Great book that deals exactly with these types of questions.
swagtricker 6y ago
Nobody knows me on here, so I'll have to keep it that way after I post this. Get professional help. A combination of COVID-19, a high paying/high stress consulting job, and a history OCD related stress & paranoia pushed me into a VERY bad place. I was considering suicide. I didn't go outside for weeks if I could avoid it. I'd go 3-4 days w/o a shower (out of character for me). I started subconsciously punishing myself via starvation (Shitty Life Pro-Tip - drink a lot of water & you won't feel hungry! Eating disorders FTW!) because I wasn't hungry & didn't need to eat because I wasn't really doing anything all day. I cut off from people who reached out to me. I was fortunate to be well off financially after 5 months to walk away from the consulting job. My wife didn't see it because I hid it from her. I reached a braking point when I walked way from the consulting & was well supported by the engagement manager. I took two months off, I started seeing a counselor (virtually, thanks COVID-19), and I started on Prozac. I'm not "done" yet, but I'm an order of magnitude closer to who I was before all this happened. I've started to gain weight back. Suicide no longer holds its appeal. I can consider the idea that there might be a world after the year 2020, and that I should be a part of it. Sorry - I know this is rambling. Let me pull back to my point: getting help is the only thing that would help. If you could change yourself, by yourself, you would have by now. It takes the push of someone else's perspective to move you, because you simply can't move yourself. Your best bet is a professional - you have your own bias and trust issues with friends & family, no matter how much they mean to you. Hang in there. No matter how bad life gets, don't let anyone, let alone you, tell you that you don't deserve to be a part of it.
- delusional 6y ago
  Is drinking water to not feel hungry an eating disorder thing? I've used that for years when I feel like I've eaten too much.
  - swagtricker 6y ago
    I'm no expert, but from personal experience, when you only manage to eat toast and a hot dog at lunch, or a granola bar + yogurt and some pasta at dinner along with multiple liters of water for a day because "you just don't feel hungry" and you end up losing so much weight you need to buy new jeans and t-shirts (which you're too depressed to pick out, so your wife buys them for you)- there's something going on.
kowlo 6y ago
> I spend most of my time mindlessly browsing HN or Reddit, eating whatever I find and sleeping late. This sounds like my routine... What you’ve described is indeed extremely stressful and emotionally exhausting. It sounds like an expected response! You could consider this the valley before climbing back up to not feeling this way. Time helps - but it may take more than that. I would confide in friends if you have them, and consider talking with a professional...
edem 6y ago
This reminds me of that Wait but Why post [0] about picking your life partner. TL;DR: it is better to have no one than to be around people that you're not happy with. I know this sounds like a cliche but it is true. You're not at the bottom of the scale right now, but in the middle. The upside is that now you have the chance to pick whatever floats your boat without carrying the baggage around. [0]:https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html
purposeful 6y ago
Hey brother, I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this at once. I've been through the grinder a few times - still am - but not like this, so I can imagine it must be tough. When you're with somebody, especially for so long and on the road to marriage, they almost become your purpose in life. Losing someone like that means you also lose your sense of purpose, so everything else feels like you're just aimlessly passing time as you described. The important thing is to not let it continue to spiral down. Force yourself to stay away from the mindless browsing. Start doing things to stimulate yourself more and work towards something. For me, it was running. I hated running. I still hate running. But it gives you something to work towards, and you'll begin looking for other things to work on too. It's difficult at first, and it will initially seem like just a distraction, but if you stick to it you'll realise you still have a journey to go on. It doesn't just stop here, so don't let it. It's hard to believe it now, but it will get better. I know I'm just some random bloke on the internet, but if you do want someone to talk to, shoot me an email. I'm not a professional, but realise that you're not alone, and if it helps you reconnect to the world in some way then I'm happy to chat. And that goes for anyone. We'll all make it out stronger on the other side.
bogomipz 6y ago
Sorry to hear it. One technique that might be helpful is to imagine a point in the future where things will in fact be better and how you will look back on this as just a period that really sucked. It also helps to think of another difficult period in your life and how that one was also followed by a much better period. Also try to remember that the pandemic and the political rollercoaster are a shared burden. You are not alone in those. It's easy to get into a cycle where negative habits perpetuate themselves. Try to reorient your daily habits by setting one small goal a day and achieving it. This creates a positive feedback loop and reinforces the idea that you are in control and that you have agency and can effect change. Lastly I would recommend daily exercise of some sort if you are not doing so already. Anything that provides a bit of an endorphin blast can help break a negative thought cycle. Even if just for a few minutes to start. Small building blocks like these will reintroduce positive and optimistic thoughts back into your mind.
major505 6y ago
Hey man, look the bright side... imagined if you had proposed before she left, and keped the ring? Yolu would be without a girl and the money of the ring. That said,the good thing of hitting rock botton is that theres no way, but up. 3 Years ago I was being underpaid, divorced a 6 years marriege, and was sunk in debit. I was really depresed,for the first time of my life I cried waching a movie, and was pretty sure I was in funcional side of alcholism. That said, I keepd it going by solving one problem at time. First, I organized all debites of my company, and made a rigid paying plan. Then I made a deal with my dad, that I would stay at his home for 1 year, while I paid some of the debt my ex wife left me. After that I put my company on hold for 1 and a half year, so I would not generate new taxes while paying the old ones. I found a shit soul sucking job, but with good payment, in the capital. For almost 2 years I would spend 4 to 5 hours in traffic, just to get to this job. But small things helped me going foward. I got close to my friends (before the pandemic). I checked out lots of books from my reading list, while I was in the bus, or train, going and back to work. I basically sold or donated most of my possessions, basically reduced my life to small things that really mattered. The thing is, don't try to fix everything wrong at the same time. Focus on small problems that you can solve, and after a while, even the big problems will appear to be less intimidating. Now, finally after 3 sucking years, I reoppened my company, I paid all my debts. I still got to deal with shit from my ex from time to time, but goddamm I love being free now. Well at least for a while. Now my ex appeared telling me shes pregnant, but shes pretty sure I'm not the father, but she's not 100% sure... well I will deal with that when the time came.
mindhash 6y ago
Hey man.. hope you feel better soon. I usually learn new stuff to get out of such phases. Learning gives me excitement and offers mis direction for busy mind, which other wise loops through stuff
cmsefton 6y ago
Hey,thanks for sharing, and I'm really so sorry you've had to experience this. I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you. It must have taken quite some courage to speak up, but that's a very good, positive step. It sounds like you may want to seek help, as you've identified you may be depressed. I really encourage you to take that step to speak to someone, and seek some assistance. I know you said you have no one to rely on support, depression can make you feel very alone and isolated. Try to speak to friends or family. I know it can be hard. Give it a try, you may be surprised. Also remember, there are organisations out there that can help. I don't know where you are geographically, but I strongly suggest, if you are able to, to go to your local GP if you have one, and tell them how you are feeling. Explore your options for what works best for you. If you don't have a GP, see if your workplace has an EAP program that you can call anonymously. If they don't, do some research locally and have a look at support groups dealing with depression. (I'm based in the UK and can recommend some organisations, and if you need some assistance, I'm happy to explore some options for where you are; I'm sure lots of people on here could help, too.) You are not alone, and people will be happy to help, and listen. Take that step. You mentioned politics and election stress. Have you considered turning off the news, and disconnecting from Reddit etc.? I'd also ask, do you do any exercise? Perhaps try going for a walk in a local park regularly, try doing jogging if possible? Try find an activity that suits you, physical exercise is a very good way of alleviating stress and depression. I know it's hard and daunting, just try some small steps at first. You've taken a good step sharing. Take another, and another. Good luck. If I can help at all, let me know.
uvic 6y ago
Do you think your gf leaving you was bcoz u lost your job and could contribute anymore...sorry for asking this...but I see this happen a few times these past years...friend loses job...months later gf leaves...I am beginning to think those incels are on to something..
stjohnswarts 6y ago
Sorry to hear that. Two things that I've seen help, I mean actually help, are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and for me reading great Stoic philosophers like Seneca and Marcus Aurelius. You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin and love yourself or you will always feel bad. You are as valuable, indeed more valuable to yourself, as anyone on this planet from your perspective. Learn to love what you have -now-. If you live in the past and the future all the time you will always be miserable in the now. It may be trite, but it's as true now as it was 2000 years ago. I had almost this same converation with a friend last night who is tearing himself apart trying to keep his relationship together along with a crazy work schedule. Walk it all back, shut it down, and take care of yourself and your means of supporting yourself during a recovery. Volunteering to help the homeless on the weekends, helping someone else with projects, anything to get yourself out of the rut. If I can do it anyone can.
noneeeed 6y ago
Ouch. I feel you. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me when I was considering proposing. It totally knocked me off the rails for some time. Suddenly all my ideas for what the future held turned to dust. I can't imagine how much more of a gut punch it must be after 13 years, especially in our current world. It's hard to suddenly have to try and define yourself, your life and your future without including that other person. It takes time, and effort, and a certain amount of deliberate action. Be kind to yourself, and take your time. Covid makes all this so much harder. One of the things that helped me was getting involved with a local theatre company (doing the tech side of things). Just being with other people really helped, and doing something new was invigorating. I'm guessing that sort of thing isn't an option right now, but perhaps consider something like that next year. In the meantime, anything you can do, join or take part in that can give you a bit of purpose and structure to life outside of work will help. But I know all that is easier said than done right now. If you need someone to unload on let me know. I didn't always have that and it sucked. The only other thing I'll say is watch out for the booze and food. I feel lucky to have not fallen into alcoholism, but looking back I was closer than I realised at the time. It always gives me the chills thinking about how things nights have turned out.
axetheone 6y ago
I'm really sorry for your situation, this year's been truly awful for me as well. Take solace on the fact that you're not the only one hurting.
kls 6y ago
Sorry buddy, throw the politics out, the reality is it's not worth investing your emotions in. Especially if you are in this state. On your girl sorry man pretty shitty to do it the day after your birthday. But the reality is she is gone, women rarely come back get it in your mind that she is gone and free yourself from it. I know that is easier said than done, but the point is to get back to happy and hanging onto that is not going to get you there. Shit if you have to hire escorts every damn day until it makes the though of her fade. Seriously you need to do something to make that fade, do not hold onto hope there. Focus on your job, make it the #1 priority, ensure that you have done a good job there before you move on to other things such as browsing the web. Finally find an interest, get involved in it, and meet people with similar interests, try to avoid sitting in the house alone until you feel like you have found balance and are comfortable in your own skin sitting alone at home. As I tell everyone in this situation, my contact info is in my HN profile, you can ping me if you just need someone to talk to, sometimes strangers are the best people to talk to.

bananamerica 6y ago

Holy shit. Couldn’t she wait like a week or so? We’re things that bad? No disrespect, but good thing you’re not marrying her.

febed 6y ago

Congrats on the job! Hope things work out for you on the personal front too. Tip: I finally managed to overcome my multi year Reddit addiction using Cold Turkey on my PC and Adguard + Applock on my phone. Adguard blocks the URL and Applock restricts access to Adguard itself.

jmhwang7 6y ago

Hi swat535. I'm sorry that all happened to you this year. :( I really hope things take a turn for the better soon.

sharkweek 6y ago

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. To be blunt, it sounds like you’ve been tossed into a blender, and I can’t think of anyone in my life who could have gone through all of what you just described and not feel exhausted so please keep that in mind. It sounds like a lot. I don’t have any advice to give except, if you are able, find and speak to a professional therapist. I thought I was above that sort of thing until my own mental health got so bad it was basically one of my only options. One thing I wish someone had told me in my mental health journey - If you don’t connect with the first (or second, or third) therapist you meet with, fire them and look for a new one. You won’t offend the first (or second, or third) therapist because they have the same goal you do, which is to get you into a better place. It took me three tries to make the right connection with someone I spent about six months working with and it has made a big improvement in my well being. Sending positive vibes!

avtar 6y ago
> One thing I wish someone had told me in my mental health journey - If you don’t connect with the first (or second, or third) therapist you meet with, fire them and look for a new one. 100% this. I was thankful when someone gave me this advice and finally found a therapist that's been such a huge help in dealing with depression. If you (swat535, or anyone) need someone to talk to please hit me up, my email is in my profile.
edem 6y ago
I second this. A therapist can help _A LOT_. I spent 3 years in therapy and my life changed to the better.
- Slaren 6y ago
  As for the therapist, I can give some recommendations, because many people have difficulties with this and I can understand them. It is just necessary to refer to professionals and without that there is no way. But by the way, you don't have to go somewhere, you can even sit at home and get the necessary help. I already know how to achieve this. You just need to always address to professionals. This is a good option in fact. I already know, I have found an excellent therapy here https://calmerry.com/text-therapy/ https://calmerry.com/text-therapy/ . They have helped me a lot and I am sincerely grateful to them. I hope that it will be the same in the future. These are real professionals who know what to do and how to do it.
ilikeerp 6y ago
I wish we could drop the word 'vulnerable'; that's what a gazelle is before a lion rips its head off. The OP was open and honest rather than vulnerable. If we want equality and open dialogue, we have to be careful to make our language inclusive. 'Vulnerable' is associated with being weak for some people and isn't an inclusive word. I don't consider myself vulnerable when I share something close to my heart. I would never share anything in a space where being 'vulnerable' was encouraged. Open and honest.. not vulerable.
- Pokepokalypse 6y ago

antonzabirko 6y ago

Hey! Its me, minus the girlfriend, job, and career history :(. Sorry to hear about your gf tho

gricardo99 6y ago

That’s rough, sorry to hear that. You’ve been hanging in there, despite these very trying times, and managed to get a job. Keep it up. Keep hanging in there, things will get better.

samatman 6y ago

My condolences on a truly rough year, I hope things start to look up for you. I had a similar cataclysm in 2007, let me share one sliver of advice: what you're experiencing is grief, rather than depression. They feel similar but they come from different places. That's it; any attempt to try and tell you how to feel about it or what to do would be out of place. Good luck.

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

walty8 6y ago

Just some experiences of mine, I had been really stressful when trying to get a job, long time ago. And eventually I started the jogging at the time. To me, it's like sort of hedge, if I got my job later, I got a heathier body due to more work out. In other words, the destiny is not going to screw me up on both sides :) Actually, I kept on jogging even after I got the job later, I don't know why but that does make you feel a bit better about life.

baoha 6y ago
This! Your body will benefit from happy hormones produced after workout. I was in similar position and running 3-4 times a week helped a lot.

DangitBobby 6y ago

I find that Reddit sucks the joy out of my day. There's just something about that site.

i5heu 6y ago
The world is burning in a lot of ways. Am I think the content on Reddit represents the realisation and fears of that. I was getting super depressed lately and cut, as a result of that, almost all news, Reddit and Twitter out of my life. The situation is just to crazy to deal with it every day.
- flightless 6y ago
  The world isn't burning, the media definitely is though. That's a dying animal doing everything it can to keep your eyes glued to the "latest disaster" and their ads of course. We are going to get a vaccine and slowly work back to normal. If you are concerned about the world, do something about your little slice of the world. Pick up some trash and drop some groceries off for an elderly neighbor.
  - caseyw 6y ago
    ^ I have a hard time being down when I’m helping others. The opportunity is all around us. Thanks for posting flightless!
  - Fumtumi 6y ago
    The world is burning. This summer was the third very dry summer in germany. A dryness i haven't seen before. A dryness which hurt the trees outside of my window as they did not get enough water, which i also have not seen. But don't get me wrong. Knowing whats going on is stressful, reading irrelevant drama and not reading about people who are changing and trying to change the world is frustrating. Instead of reading about new and less co2 producing stuff, i read about an idiot trump who plays kindergarden tantrum on the highest political level. The level which should give a direction and guidance. And yes i'm not from the USA but if 'not even' the USA can do it, i can't expect a lot more countries not to do it. At least my country is reasonable boring and smart (yes germany go germany :P)

hutzlibu 6y ago

"My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday in June before I had a chance to propose to her" Well, there is a bright side to it. If you would have married and it was about to break soon after, you would have the joy of a legal divorce now on top of it. Instead you are free to find someone new. Possibly better fitting. The world is full of women and other awesome people, you can still connect with. A bit harder now, true, but nevertheless possible, once you manage to get out of that hole. So if you don't manage on your own, maybe stop wasting your time mindless browsing and seek professional help or find people, online or offline, to help you throuhg.

regularjack 6y ago
I think dismissing the end of a 13 year relationship with the "plenty of fish in the sea" argument and saying "stop wasting your time" is probably not what OP needs to hear right now.
- OPchose88 6y ago
  OP can post on a therapy forum not an open forum where frank but non-caustic conversation is allowed. Connect with real mental health people. Not distant randos via text that doesn’t really help biological processes work themselves out. Everyone has issues, not just from covid. Someone is always losing a family member or separating. You may not know it and make all manner of comments. What Americans need to do really is get over the obvious failures of their culture and redirect their agency to fixing it concretely. I look forward to screen addicts doing the opposite.
  - wholinator2 6y ago
    Right, right. But come on man. This is literally a post entitled "Are you depressed". Did you really expect no one to come post a story? I understand the point about the hard logical instructions rather than the soft warm consolation but have some compassion, some empathy for your fellow human. Telling the guy he should just go to therapy instead of posting his story on a thread that's _literally asking for his story_ is the same kind of hard uncaring logicism as the parent comment. Please, I beg of all of you, do not forget what kindness and compassion can do for all of us, and that no matter where we are now, life and success is fragile and can be taken in an instant. Are we all anti-social corporate robots on here? So much so that the usual 'all business' crowd is now attempting to convert any 'human and not business' threads back into the corporate ethos? Why can't we just say something nice or leave and go back to toxifying about the latest Twitter gaff or apple device. As much as you can say that this forum is about silicon dreams, I can say this forum is equally about the human minds that have them. This forum and more its tone is what we make it, and the recent anti social push worries me and threatens to push any actual compassion away.

Fishysoup 6y ago

Try therapy and, if necessary, medication. Both of those have completely turned my life around. Things are still shitty sometimes (esp. during Covid), but way better than a few years ago.

pedro1976 6y ago

Thats tough. My usual strategy to cope with situations like this is to sign up as a part-time waiter. Its quite physical job, which is good, cause physical work is satisfying in itself, and you have a lot of positive social interactions. This usually distracts me enough and offers enough socialization to be emotionally stable. Maybe this helps. Good luck!

f0ok 6y ago
This is an interesting approach - you're going out of your comfort zone yet making it productive for yourself and helpful for others. I've recently started something similar to push bad moods away - decided to work as a nurse in an isolated community. I won't do it for long, but I feel good useful.
- pedro1976 6y ago
  The interesting aspect in this particular case is that going out of the comfort zone is more comfortable than staying in it.

aspaviento 6y ago

> My girlfriend of 13 years left me the day after my birthday This is something I'll never understand. How can someone be with another person for so long and be able to end up things in such drastic manner (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship)? I mean, if you hadn't any idea that this could happen then did your partner never try to fix whatever problem you had before taking that decision?

mettamage 6y ago
> (assuming there wasn't any toxicity in the relationship) That's a big assumption. Maybe it's me, but when I look around, I see a lot of hidden tensions in people who've been together for a long time. In most cases, I'd say it borders toxicity. Relationships are tough. IMO what predicts that people stay together is that they're capable of navigating it, it doesn't even matter if the navigation is unhealthy (i.e. like some of my family members, they'll stay together until death, but there are some painful sacrifices both parties are making).
- Fumtumi 6y ago
  I'm very direct sometimes. Like it could be that my wife wants to be nice to me and buys something specific and i just say 'ah you shouldn't buy that, it produces so much garbage (lots of wrapping)' and she answers 'yeah i know but i thought you like it so i bought it for you'. Might not be the perfect example but whenever something similar happens, it feels to me that i took a little bit of 'fun' and 'nice gesture' out of our relationship by saying this kind of things. On the other hand, if i would never say something (and of course vice versa) we would be stuck but we would not have those small disappointments in our relationship. But i regret those things because it is much nicer to see your significant other being happy about making you happy. It is so much easier not to offend someone when you just follow your own set of rules for yourself. Like not telling someone, who just 'drooped' garbage that they just 'drooped' garbage. It is 100 times harder when it is your partner. Now we don't have any secrets between each other anymore. But that was a long long way and not easy. Now imagine a Relationship which wouldn't do that. You can easily start living next to each other over a longer period of time and then suddenly you realize that you crossed that border.

znpy 6y ago

If I may suggest something... Everybody hurts from time to time, hardships are part of life. In situations like this it's important to focus on things you can control instead of being sad about things you can't control. You might consider that now you life is again a blank canvas, and you can rebuild it. Everything's in discussion again, you're not encumbered by a relationship, the possibilities are endless! Your destiny looked like set in stone, and now it's yours again for designing and implementing :) Good luck!

tasuki 6y ago
I know I shouldn't, but I'm secretly a little envious of people who are starting from scratch with absolute freedom. I kind of have it all, except for total freedom. I really have nothing to complain about and my life is great. Still, there was this time when I had nothing but a bicycle with four panniers of things for several months, wasn't sure where I'd sleep next, had to withstand cold and rain, and it was easily the singular best experience of my life. I'm not in a situation to repeat that now. Also I fear I wouldn't have the right mindset to repeat that - I've become lazy and complacent.
- jtxx 6y ago
  grappling with this myself these days. I would happily choose music over food years back. but once i started making code money, i got so comfortable. built up a whole world and « lifestyle » that now I (feel like I) have to maintain. and it feels like that’s how life continues to go as you accumulate a partner, pet, kids... you keep building up this house of cards that gets harder and harder to prevent from it all falling down. i dunno, sometimes I just wanna stop and run in the other direction because it feels like i’m doing it all wrong despite these being « markers of success ».
  - shafyy 6y ago
    I recommend reading "To Have or to Be" by Erich Fromm. Great book that deals exactly with these types of questions.

swagtricker 6y ago

Nobody knows me on here, so I'll have to keep it that way after I post this. Get professional help. A combination of COVID-19, a high paying/high stress consulting job, and a history OCD related stress & paranoia pushed me into a VERY bad place. I was considering suicide. I didn't go outside for weeks if I could avoid it. I'd go 3-4 days w/o a shower (out of character for me). I started subconsciously punishing myself via starvation (Shitty Life Pro-Tip - drink a lot of water & you won't feel hungry! Eating disorders FTW!) because I wasn't hungry & didn't need to eat because I wasn't really doing anything all day. I cut off from people who reached out to me. I was fortunate to be well off financially after 5 months to walk away from the consulting job. My wife didn't see it because I hid it from her. I reached a braking point when I walked way from the consulting & was well supported by the engagement manager. I took two months off, I started seeing a counselor (virtually, thanks COVID-19), and I started on Prozac. I'm not "done" yet, but I'm an order of magnitude closer to who I was before all this happened. I've started to gain weight back. Suicide no longer holds its appeal. I can consider the idea that there might be a world after the year 2020, and that I should be a part of it. Sorry - I know this is rambling. Let me pull back to my point: getting help is the only thing that would help. If you could change yourself, by yourself, you would have by now. It takes the push of someone else's perspective to move you, because you simply can't move yourself. Your best bet is a professional - you have your own bias and trust issues with friends & family, no matter how much they mean to you. Hang in there. No matter how bad life gets, don't let anyone, let alone you, tell you that you don't deserve to be a part of it.

delusional 6y ago
Is drinking water to not feel hungry an eating disorder thing? I've used that for years when I feel like I've eaten too much.
- swagtricker 6y ago
  I'm no expert, but from personal experience, when you only manage to eat toast and a hot dog at lunch, or a granola bar + yogurt and some pasta at dinner along with multiple liters of water for a day because "you just don't feel hungry" and you end up losing so much weight you need to buy new jeans and t-shirts (which you're too depressed to pick out, so your wife buys them for you)- there's something going on.

kowlo 6y ago

> I spend most of my time mindlessly browsing HN or Reddit, eating whatever I find and sleeping late. This sounds like my routine... What you’ve described is indeed extremely stressful and emotionally exhausting. It sounds like an expected response! You could consider this the valley before climbing back up to not feeling this way. Time helps - but it may take more than that. I would confide in friends if you have them, and consider talking with a professional...

edem 6y ago

This reminds me of that Wait but Why post [0] about picking your life partner. TL;DR: it is better to have no one than to be around people that you're not happy with. I know this sounds like a cliche but it is true. You're not at the bottom of the scale right now, but in the middle. The upside is that now you have the chance to pick whatever floats your boat without carrying the baggage around. [0]:https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html

purposeful 6y ago

Hey brother, I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this at once. I've been through the grinder a few times - still am - but not like this, so I can imagine it must be tough. When you're with somebody, especially for so long and on the road to marriage, they almost become your purpose in life. Losing someone like that means you also lose your sense of purpose, so everything else feels like you're just aimlessly passing time as you described. The important thing is to not let it continue to spiral down. Force yourself to stay away from the mindless browsing. Start doing things to stimulate yourself more and work towards something. For me, it was running. I hated running. I still hate running. But it gives you something to work towards, and you'll begin looking for other things to work on too. It's difficult at first, and it will initially seem like just a distraction, but if you stick to it you'll realise you still have a journey to go on. It doesn't just stop here, so don't let it. It's hard to believe it now, but it will get better. I know I'm just some random bloke on the internet, but if you do want someone to talk to, shoot me an email. I'm not a professional, but realise that you're not alone, and if it helps you reconnect to the world in some way then I'm happy to chat. And that goes for anyone. We'll all make it out stronger on the other side.

bogomipz 6y ago

Sorry to hear it. One technique that might be helpful is to imagine a point in the future where things will in fact be better and how you will look back on this as just a period that really sucked. It also helps to think of another difficult period in your life and how that one was also followed by a much better period. Also try to remember that the pandemic and the political rollercoaster are a shared burden. You are not alone in those. It's easy to get into a cycle where negative habits perpetuate themselves. Try to reorient your daily habits by setting one small goal a day and achieving it. This creates a positive feedback loop and reinforces the idea that you are in control and that you have agency and can effect change. Lastly I would recommend daily exercise of some sort if you are not doing so already. Anything that provides a bit of an endorphin blast can help break a negative thought cycle. Even if just for a few minutes to start. Small building blocks like these will reintroduce positive and optimistic thoughts back into your mind.

major505 6y ago

Hey man, look the bright side... imagined if you had proposed before she left, and keped the ring? Yolu would be without a girl and the money of the ring. That said,the good thing of hitting rock botton is that theres no way, but up. 3 Years ago I was being underpaid, divorced a 6 years marriege, and was sunk in debit. I was really depresed,for the first time of my life I cried waching a movie, and was pretty sure I was in funcional side of alcholism. That said, I keepd it going by solving one problem at time. First, I organized all debites of my company, and made a rigid paying plan. Then I made a deal with my dad, that I would stay at his home for 1 year, while I paid some of the debt my ex wife left me. After that I put my company on hold for 1 and a half year, so I would not generate new taxes while paying the old ones. I found a shit soul sucking job, but with good payment, in the capital. For almost 2 years I would spend 4 to 5 hours in traffic, just to get to this job. But small things helped me going foward. I got close to my friends (before the pandemic). I checked out lots of books from my reading list, while I was in the bus, or train, going and back to work. I basically sold or donated most of my possessions, basically reduced my life to small things that really mattered. The thing is, don't try to fix everything wrong at the same time. Focus on small problems that you can solve, and after a while, even the big problems will appear to be less intimidating. Now, finally after 3 sucking years, I reoppened my company, I paid all my debts. I still got to deal with shit from my ex from time to time, but goddamm I love being free now. Well at least for a while. Now my ex appeared telling me shes pregnant, but shes pretty sure I'm not the father, but she's not 100% sure... well I will deal with that when the time came.

mindhash 6y ago

Hey man.. hope you feel better soon. I usually learn new stuff to get out of such phases. Learning gives me excitement and offers mis direction for busy mind, which other wise loops through stuff

cmsefton 6y ago

Hey,thanks for sharing, and I'm really so sorry you've had to experience this. I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you. It must have taken quite some courage to speak up, but that's a very good, positive step. It sounds like you may want to seek help, as you've identified you may be depressed. I really encourage you to take that step to speak to someone, and seek some assistance. I know you said you have no one to rely on support, depression can make you feel very alone and isolated. Try to speak to friends or family. I know it can be hard. Give it a try, you may be surprised. Also remember, there are organisations out there that can help. I don't know where you are geographically, but I strongly suggest, if you are able to, to go to your local GP if you have one, and tell them how you are feeling. Explore your options for what works best for you. If you don't have a GP, see if your workplace has an EAP program that you can call anonymously. If they don't, do some research locally and have a look at support groups dealing with depression. (I'm based in the UK and can recommend some organisations, and if you need some assistance, I'm happy to explore some options for where you are; I'm sure lots of people on here could help, too.) You are not alone, and people will be happy to help, and listen. Take that step. You mentioned politics and election stress. Have you considered turning off the news, and disconnecting from Reddit etc.? I'd also ask, do you do any exercise? Perhaps try going for a walk in a local park regularly, try doing jogging if possible? Try find an activity that suits you, physical exercise is a very good way of alleviating stress and depression. I know it's hard and daunting, just try some small steps at first. You've taken a good step sharing. Take another, and another. Good luck. If I can help at all, let me know.

uvic 6y ago

Do you think your gf leaving you was bcoz u lost your job and could contribute anymore...sorry for asking this...but I see this happen a few times these past years...friend loses job...months later gf leaves...I am beginning to think those incels are on to something..

stjohnswarts 6y ago

Sorry to hear that. Two things that I've seen help, I mean actually help, are Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and for me reading great Stoic philosophers like Seneca and Marcus Aurelius. You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin and love yourself or you will always feel bad. You are as valuable, indeed more valuable to yourself, as anyone on this planet from your perspective. Learn to love what you have -now-. If you live in the past and the future all the time you will always be miserable in the now. It may be trite, but it's as true now as it was 2000 years ago. I had almost this same converation with a friend last night who is tearing himself apart trying to keep his relationship together along with a crazy work schedule. Walk it all back, shut it down, and take care of yourself and your means of supporting yourself during a recovery. Volunteering to help the homeless on the weekends, helping someone else with projects, anything to get yourself out of the rut. If I can do it anyone can.

noneeeed 6y ago

Ouch. I feel you. My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me when I was considering proposing. It totally knocked me off the rails for some time. Suddenly all my ideas for what the future held turned to dust. I can't imagine how much more of a gut punch it must be after 13 years, especially in our current world. It's hard to suddenly have to try and define yourself, your life and your future without including that other person. It takes time, and effort, and a certain amount of deliberate action. Be kind to yourself, and take your time. Covid makes all this so much harder. One of the things that helped me was getting involved with a local theatre company (doing the tech side of things). Just being with other people really helped, and doing something new was invigorating. I'm guessing that sort of thing isn't an option right now, but perhaps consider something like that next year. In the meantime, anything you can do, join or take part in that can give you a bit of purpose and structure to life outside of work will help. But I know all that is easier said than done right now. If you need someone to unload on let me know. I didn't always have that and it sucked. The only other thing I'll say is watch out for the booze and food. I feel lucky to have not fallen into alcoholism, but looking back I was closer than I realised at the time. It always gives me the chills thinking about how things nights have turned out.

axetheone 6y ago

I'm really sorry for your situation, this year's been truly awful for me as well. Take solace on the fact that you're not the only one hurting.

kls 6y ago

Sorry buddy, throw the politics out, the reality is it's not worth investing your emotions in. Especially if you are in this state. On your girl sorry man pretty shitty to do it the day after your birthday. But the reality is she is gone, women rarely come back get it in your mind that she is gone and free yourself from it. I know that is easier said than done, but the point is to get back to happy and hanging onto that is not going to get you there. Shit if you have to hire escorts every damn day until it makes the though of her fade. Seriously you need to do something to make that fade, do not hold onto hope there. Focus on your job, make it the #1 priority, ensure that you have done a good job there before you move on to other things such as browsing the web. Finally find an interest, get involved in it, and meet people with similar interests, try to avoid sitting in the house alone until you feel like you have found balance and are comfortable in your own skin sitting alone at home. As I tell everyone in this situation, my contact info is in my HN profile, you can ping me if you just need someone to talk to, sometimes strangers are the best people to talk to.