7 ms·

Without finishing, but just reacting to her _reacting_ to his refusal to admit an "office crush", to me, uneducated in this subject: what is a crush, an affect

Without finishing, but just reacting to her _reacting_ to his refusal to admit an "office crush", to me, uneducated in this subject: what is a crush, an affection about one thing about someone? many things? i might crush on many people, but i'm aware that these are just infatuations with a new thing. it happens with books and hobbies and etc, too so he had a cool coworker of the opposite sex. is there a "crush scale"? maybe you round down if the crush doesn't entertain future-fantasies, heh

dexwiz 6y ago
Depends on the person. In general American parlance you may “have a crush” as a teenager, and want to ask them to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people use it to refer to someone that they have unexpressed desires for throughout their life. Other people use the term similar to your usage where it is much more general. Communicative partners may say they have a crush on someone else with the implication that they would never act on it.
adkadskhj 6y ago
Yup. I've long said things somewhat similar to my wife. I expect her and I to both not only be attracted to other people, but to form bonds that if followed could ruin our relationship. It's imo in human nature, and perfectly valid. If you are in a monogamous relationship which you wish to retain i think you need to be aware of this. To internalize ones feelings and be aware when it's heading towards a threshold, and put in the work to prevent it from damaging your relationship if its worth fighting for. I've long thought that modern society fails to raise our children to self analyze. Tools to develop healthy mental habits do not seem discussed, let alone taught. So in this case people naturally "crush" on passers-by who perhaps on paper shouldn't ruin their primary relationship... but when left unchecked, do. Relationships need care, protection even. Sometimes, perhaps often, from your own self.
- throwaway9980 6y ago
  “Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.” Stephen Covey
- deleted 6y ago
  [deleted]
- cm2012 6y ago
  I think that any set-up with trust is fine and am glad your wife and you have harmony. In our relationship, it's definitely the opposite. We specifically, actively avoid bonds that could get romantic vibes.
  - adkadskhj 6y ago
    I think you and I are in agreement, my point was that our job is about being aware of where those bonds could exist, and where concern is warranted. The exact location of the line depends on the individuals and the relationship i'd imagine. Mine is pretty far back. I wear my heart on my sleeve (is that the right usage of that term?) and form bonds quite easily. Yet, i'm intensely devoted for various reasons - so i keep the opposite gender at a respectable distance.
    - saagarjha 6y ago
      > I wear my heart on my sleeve (is that the right usage of that term?) Maybe? It means "I make my emotions readily apparent", which might not be what you meant.
  - vorpalhex 6y ago
    Even if your goal is to be monogamus then you should be aware that humans form relationships a bit easier than we like to believe, and understanding infatuation goes a long ways to heading off that behavior when it becomes inappropriate to your situation.
- hexbinencoded 6y ago
  Combined with being unusual and not wired as everyone else, I take a different tact by accepting human nature and opening up the possibilities. From a young age, it became apparent that I did't experience jealousy in relation to a deep interest having close friends including ex's or infatuation clicks with other people. Not some sort of low self-worth thing, but the opposite. Therefore, mutually open relationships work better for me to dispense with dishonesty and limitations based on insecurities. Not in my face if it's with a dude, don't get pregnant, or diseases, and I don't care. Heck, I think it's extremely cute when a bi/pan woman I'm seeing hits on another woman, even right in front of me. Also, it's exhilarating when she feeds me her cool friends like proverbial bow-wrapped gifts, such as a row of lined-up puppy-dog eyes looking up as who will be chosen next. This makes her a potential keeper#. Partner guarding seems like a lot of pointless energy expended based on insecurity; one of my aims in relationship(s) is to constantly improve to remain the highest-value around without resorting to possessive capture. Plus, it's better to let people move freely and self-select voluntarily, rather than give them ultimatums or threatening "if you ever" speeches. I look at importance of relationships (love/friendship) based on the amount and sustainment of attention, mutual care, support, and trust. Sex is just sex to me without deeper affinity and common interests; a shared, social activity that is delightful without being black-and-white all-meaningful. It's also important to be sure other participants are truly on this same wavelength so that they don't end-up regretful or are otherwise left worse than before. In conclusion: open works best for me, with a consideration for Mff or Mfff poly where f are pan/bi. I think Mfff tetrad of ever-reconfiguring pairs is more stable because there's no third-wheel issue. And all disagreements must be followed by bedroom activities, and stalemate disputes are resolved by last one who gets there wins. # Keeper 1. You trust them with your life 2. Better together than apart 3. Good friends 4. Common goals 5. Complementary personalities
  - slimed 6y ago
    You are so obviously full of shit. This doesn't work. You do not now, nor have you ever, had a long term partner.
    - nurettin 6y ago
- logicchains 6y ago
  I think part of the problem is people being raised to believe that love, in the biochemical sense, is the most important part of a relationship. Hence when they start feeling similar feelings for others, their relationship can weaken. But a relationship can be about so much more than just the biochemical side: two people, with similar goals and values, working together to build a better life for themselves and their children, and to help each-other achieve their dreams. In that sense, the time spent building a relationship, time invested in growing trust, understanding and shared experiences, looks like building a business. And abandoning it just for biochemical experience with another looks like somebody with a successful five year old startup abandoning it to start another one because the code was written in Go and they've discovered they really love writing Elixir.
smoyer 6y ago
Well ... it's only a few paragraphs longer and she ends up believing that this incident has taught her empathy.
- zozbot234 6y ago
  If she has real sociopathic tendencies, even grokking empathy on a purely intellectual level would be very real progress for her. (Perhaps the clearest feasible progress for someone with that condition - sociopaths tend to intuitively assume that everyone they meet is just as selfish and self-serving as they are, which makes them very poor negotiators.) I'm not sure that she has those tendencies, though. She talks about having flat affect and about her sensation seeking in youth, but plenty of youths engage in mildly antisocial behavior (the brain doesn't fully develop until the mid-20s or so), and many sociopaths don't display flat affect - in fact, they may show rather volatile emotions, including angry jealousy triggered by perceived slights, which she apparently lacks.
  - rkuykendall-com 6y ago
    > If she has real sociopathic tendencies, [...] I'm not sure that she has those tendencies, though. She was medically diagnosed and then earned a Ph.D. in psychology. I don't know how you can reasonably question that.
seibelj 6y ago
I would obviously be upset if my wife cheated. But to me a one night stand with actual sex is less of a betrayal than months of texting, saying sweet things to each other, and establishing true emotional bonds without any physical element. Sex is something that happens, it’s an activity. Love is an emotion and using her time to love another person emotionally is much worse than a brief sexual act. My two cents.
- ludamad 6y ago
  "months of texting, saying sweet things to each other, and establishing true emotional bonds without any physical element" I do this with my non-romantic gender, where do you draw the line for betrayal?
  - hawski 6y ago
    Dishonesty. If one can keep it in the open and it's everything alright between them as a couple it's alright. But if one keeps it hidden, dismisses the other and lies about the activity it's a betrayal. Although rules are a bit different for non-romantic gender, because in general this relationship will not replace the romantic one, it still may apply. If one opens up to their buddy and keeps distance with their partner, isn't it a reason for partner's concern?
    - ludamad 6y ago
      Definitely, making a partner feel insecure is a cause for concern, but the amount it would be labelled a betrayal depends. Indeed, a friendly relationship with your romantic gender has a much higher chance of being seen the wrong way, and knowing how it would be perceived can certainly constitute betrayal
  - saagarjha 6y ago
    When you're clearly going beyond what is expected in a normal friendship and into what would be a relationship?
    - 6y ago
ajkjk 6y ago
Having a crush is a very distinctive feeling. If you don't know if you have one, you probably don't.

dexwiz 6y ago

Depends on the person. In general American parlance you may “have a crush” as a teenager, and want to ask them to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people use it to refer to someone that they have unexpressed desires for throughout their life. Other people use the term similar to your usage where it is much more general. Communicative partners may say they have a crush on someone else with the implication that they would never act on it.

adkadskhj 6y ago

Yup. I've long said things somewhat similar to my wife. I expect her and I to both not only be attracted to other people, but to form bonds that if followed could ruin our relationship. It's imo in human nature, and perfectly valid. If you are in a monogamous relationship which you wish to retain i think you need to be aware of this. To internalize ones feelings and be aware when it's heading towards a threshold, and put in the work to prevent it from damaging your relationship if its worth fighting for. I've long thought that modern society fails to raise our children to self analyze. Tools to develop healthy mental habits do not seem discussed, let alone taught. So in this case people naturally "crush" on passers-by who perhaps on paper shouldn't ruin their primary relationship... but when left unchecked, do. Relationships need care, protection even. Sometimes, perhaps often, from your own self.

throwaway9980 6y ago
“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.” Stephen Covey
deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
cm2012 6y ago
I think that any set-up with trust is fine and am glad your wife and you have harmony. In our relationship, it's definitely the opposite. We specifically, actively avoid bonds that could get romantic vibes.
- adkadskhj 6y ago
  I think you and I are in agreement, my point was that our job is about being aware of where those bonds could exist, and where concern is warranted. The exact location of the line depends on the individuals and the relationship i'd imagine. Mine is pretty far back. I wear my heart on my sleeve (is that the right usage of that term?) and form bonds quite easily. Yet, i'm intensely devoted for various reasons - so i keep the opposite gender at a respectable distance.
  - saagarjha 6y ago
    > I wear my heart on my sleeve (is that the right usage of that term?) Maybe? It means "I make my emotions readily apparent", which might not be what you meant.
- vorpalhex 6y ago
  Even if your goal is to be monogamus then you should be aware that humans form relationships a bit easier than we like to believe, and understanding infatuation goes a long ways to heading off that behavior when it becomes inappropriate to your situation.
hexbinencoded 6y ago
Combined with being unusual and not wired as everyone else, I take a different tact by accepting human nature and opening up the possibilities. From a young age, it became apparent that I did't experience jealousy in relation to a deep interest having close friends including ex's or infatuation clicks with other people. Not some sort of low self-worth thing, but the opposite. Therefore, mutually open relationships work better for me to dispense with dishonesty and limitations based on insecurities. Not in my face if it's with a dude, don't get pregnant, or diseases, and I don't care. Heck, I think it's extremely cute when a bi/pan woman I'm seeing hits on another woman, even right in front of me. Also, it's exhilarating when she feeds me her cool friends like proverbial bow-wrapped gifts, such as a row of lined-up puppy-dog eyes looking up as who will be chosen next. This makes her a potential keeper#. Partner guarding seems like a lot of pointless energy expended based on insecurity; one of my aims in relationship(s) is to constantly improve to remain the highest-value around without resorting to possessive capture. Plus, it's better to let people move freely and self-select voluntarily, rather than give them ultimatums or threatening "if you ever" speeches. I look at importance of relationships (love/friendship) based on the amount and sustainment of attention, mutual care, support, and trust. Sex is just sex to me without deeper affinity and common interests; a shared, social activity that is delightful without being black-and-white all-meaningful. It's also important to be sure other participants are truly on this same wavelength so that they don't end-up regretful or are otherwise left worse than before. In conclusion: open works best for me, with a consideration for Mff or Mfff poly where f are pan/bi. I think Mfff tetrad of ever-reconfiguring pairs is more stable because there's no third-wheel issue. And all disagreements must be followed by bedroom activities, and stalemate disputes are resolved by last one who gets there wins. # Keeper 1. You trust them with your life 2. Better together than apart 3. Good friends 4. Common goals 5. Complementary personalities
- slimed 6y ago
  You are so obviously full of shit. This doesn't work. You do not now, nor have you ever, had a long term partner.
  - nurettin 6y ago
logicchains 6y ago
I think part of the problem is people being raised to believe that love, in the biochemical sense, is the most important part of a relationship. Hence when they start feeling similar feelings for others, their relationship can weaken. But a relationship can be about so much more than just the biochemical side: two people, with similar goals and values, working together to build a better life for themselves and their children, and to help each-other achieve their dreams. In that sense, the time spent building a relationship, time invested in growing trust, understanding and shared experiences, looks like building a business. And abandoning it just for biochemical experience with another looks like somebody with a successful five year old startup abandoning it to start another one because the code was written in Go and they've discovered they really love writing Elixir.

smoyer 6y ago

Well ... it's only a few paragraphs longer and she ends up believing that this incident has taught her empathy.

zozbot234 6y ago
If she has real sociopathic tendencies, even grokking empathy on a purely intellectual level would be very real progress for her. (Perhaps the clearest feasible progress for someone with that condition - sociopaths tend to intuitively assume that everyone they meet is just as selfish and self-serving as they are, which makes them very poor negotiators.) I'm not sure that she has those tendencies, though. She talks about having flat affect and about her sensation seeking in youth, but plenty of youths engage in mildly antisocial behavior (the brain doesn't fully develop until the mid-20s or so), and many sociopaths don't display flat affect - in fact, they may show rather volatile emotions, including angry jealousy triggered by perceived slights, which she apparently lacks.
- rkuykendall-com 6y ago
  > If she has real sociopathic tendencies, [...] I'm not sure that she has those tendencies, though. She was medically diagnosed and then earned a Ph.D. in psychology. I don't know how you can reasonably question that.

seibelj 6y ago

I would obviously be upset if my wife cheated. But to me a one night stand with actual sex is less of a betrayal than months of texting, saying sweet things to each other, and establishing true emotional bonds without any physical element. Sex is something that happens, it’s an activity. Love is an emotion and using her time to love another person emotionally is much worse than a brief sexual act. My two cents.

ludamad 6y ago
"months of texting, saying sweet things to each other, and establishing true emotional bonds without any physical element" I do this with my non-romantic gender, where do you draw the line for betrayal?
- hawski 6y ago
  Dishonesty. If one can keep it in the open and it's everything alright between them as a couple it's alright. But if one keeps it hidden, dismisses the other and lies about the activity it's a betrayal. Although rules are a bit different for non-romantic gender, because in general this relationship will not replace the romantic one, it still may apply. If one opens up to their buddy and keeps distance with their partner, isn't it a reason for partner's concern?
  - ludamad 6y ago
    Definitely, making a partner feel insecure is a cause for concern, but the amount it would be labelled a betrayal depends. Indeed, a friendly relationship with your romantic gender has a much higher chance of being seen the wrong way, and knowing how it would be perceived can certainly constitute betrayal
- saagarjha 6y ago
  When you're clearly going beyond what is expected in a normal friendship and into what would be a relationship?
  - 6y ago

ajkjk 6y ago

Having a crush is a very distinctive feeling. If you don't know if you have one, you probably don't.