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My wife passed this year from cancer. Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end, and in the last few weeks her beautiful mind was influenced by

• treyfitty 6y ago
  Thanks for sharing your personal story. I think it’s important for everyone to realize that we are all human. Nothing more, nothing less. The world has become super competitive to the point that we all seem to forget this simple fact.
  • jcims 6y ago
    For me it's a bit cathartic, if it helps anyone see through the blind spots I had it's worth it.
• 12xo 6y ago
  This is where faith steps in... There is wisdom in the ages that will help you and your daughter. Try and find a pathway of peace and guidance from the universe's deep pool of human experiences.
  • jacobush 6y ago
    Regardless of what you, downvoter, believes - thinking on something outside yourself is helpful, even empirically. You might not agree with the specific flavour, but even something as bare and nonspiritual as Seneca can help.
    • metiscus 6y ago
      Having a mental structure either exogenously adopted or of one's own construction to apply rationality to temporarily irrational losses seemingly is a very good thing for ones mental well-being. I've found great comfort in Epictetus and in the Bible although I follow neither dogmatically.
  • slivanes 6y ago
    Christian faith would have you believe it is God's will that you perish at His time of choosing. He also loves you.
    • metiscus 6y ago
      I'm not sure how to interpret what you have written but assuming good faith - there are things and states worse than death, particularly when analyzed from the point of view of the individual. It is widely considered humane to terminate the life of a suffering animal when no hope of recovery is possible. Such a thing could even be considered an act of love. Depending on a deeper analysis of free will and religion it is feasible that a God is both capable of controlling your death and simultaneously loving you. I'm not a serious believer so I will leave the free will discussion and points of doctrine to others.
    • jcims 6y ago
      My girls were raised Christian and I and my wife practiced and professed that faith our entire relationship. I haven't given up on the faith but I am so profoundly disappointed in the modern church that I need to go back to the root of it all and see how much it still resonates.
      • stjohnswarts 6y ago
        Have you been to a Unitarian Church? They tend to do away with a lot of the politics and dogma and stick to the core and have better camaraderie than any other church I've been to. I'm an agnostic, but I'm always up for hanging out with cool, chill people. I mean if you're actually a believer and such it might be cool. Bahai meetings were the only other one I've been to that rivaled. They're the polar opposite of the BS laden evangelical movement trying to bring in politics and money to everything.
        • jcims 6y ago
          No but i've heard good things. May give that a try. Thank you.
      • 6y ago
  • JKCalhoun 6y ago
    Agree. Not a religious person myself, but there are times in life when there are no answers, nothing that anyone can do, when fate is completely outside anyone's control. When everything else fails, you have left only your strength of will against reason. And spirituality may be the only thing to give you that strength.
  • fredmonroe 6y ago
    for me personally - the multiple times in my life when i have been in the process of putting someone in the ground - this kind of comment was right at the top of the list of the least helpful things people said.
  • gumby 6y ago
    Appropriate for some people, irrelevant or worse for others. I know you mean well and don’t intend to harsh on you, but I think your statement could much better have started “this is where religion might offer some solace”. Every person has to make a different journey, and no tool is appropriate to everyone.
    • 12xo 6y ago
      I am not religious. Never mentioned religion. Only faith and the deep pool of human experiences shared by all people. The fact that you cannot separate the two, is a problem for you and you alone to resolve. Think outside your parameters and you might find new knowledge and growth
  • jcims 6y ago
    I agree, I just need to recalibrate my perspective. There are certainly those that have gone through this and worse, and faith has helped them and their loved ones.
• war1025 6y ago
  > Looking back we had no idea how close we were to the end This rings very true for me. My dad died of brain cancer going on five years ago now. He was diagnosed in 2014. They were clear the prognosis was not good. One or two years at best. They removed the tumor as soon as they found it, and he returned basically to normal. There was a weird settling in of what it all meant and treatments that were meant to stall things a while. But since the tumor was small, he was able to function and be basically his old self. We had our first daughter in the fall of 2015. He was there to meet her. Everything felt like it was looking up. Three weeks later, on my first day back to work, I got a call at 10:30. "The cancer is back." I took the day off. At Christmas, he was definitely starting to act goofy and be more forgetful. We'd have to distract him so he didn't try to go plow the driveway or do things like that. It became a question of "do we go up every weekend, or can we take this weekend off?" And then at the beginning of February things started getting really bad and my mom moved him into a nursing home in town. That lasted for a little less than a week I think. Then it was clear this was the end. So we came up in the middle of the week. Sat by his bedside for hours on end. Held his hand. My dad had two things he'd always say about dying: 1. When someone comes to die, they need someone to hold their hand. 2. People need permission to die. Otherwise they will hang on way longer than they otherwise would. So I held his hand for a couple days. And then on maybe the third evening, it became pretty clear he was deteriorating. So I leaned over, kissed him on the head, told him that he'd done a great job raising me and my brother, and that it was okay and we'd be here till the end. And then we watched him die. I think it was about 4am when he finally passed. I never remember what day it was, but I do remember that Lent had just started and he died the morning of Transfiguration Sunday. Which the internet tells me was Feb 7, 2016. There's a Deathcab for Cutie song, "Love is watching someone die." It's the truth. You have to love someone a lot to be there through that. Anyway, to come back around, it all just went so much faster than you think it would. Especially towards the end. It took a little over a month for "Dad's acting funny again" to turn into "Dad died last night".
  • alexpetralia 6y ago
    Thanks for sharing.
  • lordnacho 6y ago
• gumby 6y ago
  Seeing your child dealing with loss is the hardest. In my case it overrode my ability to deal with my own grief. Eventually (glossing over the irrelevant details) he came out the other side, and is doing fine. And once I didn’t have to spend all my emotional energy on him I could look after myself. Your daughter is 17 which may give you additional concern. My child was a few years younger but he missed all of that stressful middle-class “get the right classes, right prep and right scores”. It was simply not possible except a bit of going through the motions. But in the end none of that mattered and he ended up in a place where he probably would have been had he gone through those stressful gyrations. So my unsolicited advice is: if you can manage to support her in stepping off the treadmill and dealing with whatever is the highest priorities for her, she’ll probably ultimately be fine. There are unfortunately no guarantees, but many people do make it to the other side, however horrible the path may be. A friend of mine lost his wife a few months ago (she had really stepped up to help me). His three kids each reacted completely differently and I am amazed at his ability to accept the needs of each one.
  • jcims 6y ago
    >Seeing your child dealing with loss is the hardest. In my case it overrode my ability to deal with my own grief. It really is the most difficult part of this process. If there's a silver lining it obliterated any remaining hubris I had over being able to explain the world to them. I do it when I can of course, I'm still dad, but I have also found a way to just be with them in the human experience. Both of my girls are incredibly strong in their own ways. They are different, though, and are working through the process of recognizing those differences in each other and how it affects their response to grief and the world in general. My one remaining hope in life is that they find a way to strengthen their bond with each other and remain ride or die for the rest of their time on this plane.
• metiscus 6y ago
  I have found that in my own times of trouble and profound sadness that two books have helped me cope. The first one, which is admittedly hard to read when you are very close to a loss (better to inculcate yourself with it ahead of time if possible) is the Enchiridion of Epictetus [1]. The second is Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. What works for me will probably not work for you but I thought sharing my experiences with you might open a path of exploration. You will overcome this. Your child will too. On a long enough timeline even the most profound grief reduces to an instance. Be well my friend. [1] http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html
  • jcims 6y ago
    Thank you, I will definitely take a look at these.
• amoorthy 6y ago
  I'm sorry to hear of your family's struggles. Your advice is spot on and something I discovered during a 10-day Vipassana retreat. I wish I could say something to help your daughter or you. Maybe that beauty and happiness are possible in the smallest of everyday things even as we deal with horrific pain. It gets better somehow.
  • jcims 6y ago
    Thank you.
• benwills 6y ago
  As someone without much of a relationship with my father, it really makes me really glad to see another father with a child who loves their dad enough to cry to them. It sounds like you've been taking a lot of care of others. I don't see anyone else mentioning this in replies, but please make sure you're taking good care of yourself, too. If you haven't in a while and are able to, consider getting a good meal, taking a night off, or just doing something you enjoy doing for a couple days. Hang in there.
  • jcims 6y ago
    Thanks buddy. Our relationship is good but on a few occasions I've heard each of them refer to it as some variation of distant. It breaks my heart because even if I did everything again I don't really know how I would fix it. It's possible I tried too hard to let them find their own way without undue influence from me, maybe a little bit of both is good there. I don't know, but if they choose to have their own kids I'm going to apply whatever I have learned along the way to be the best damn grandpa I can be. Appreciate the well wishes. I am on a road of trying to take better care of myself as well, hopefully they will see that and be encouraged that the old man is here for the long haul.
• danielovichdk 6y ago
  Shit! I cried reading this. Take care and all the best of everything from me to you.
• fnord77 6y ago
  > It’s hard to know exactly what to say in those moments often just being there for her is more important than saying anything.
• kilroy123 6y ago
  I don't have anything to say other than I'm very sorry. I know it's not enough but I really feel for you.
  • jcims 6y ago
    Thank you, i really do appreciate it.
• chunky1994 6y ago
  This made me cry, very suddenly and unexpectedly. I know it will probably not mean anything tangible but I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your daughter are able to come out of this ordeal stronger than you went in.
  • jcims 6y ago
    It actually means everything. Thank you.
• profinger 6y ago
  I just want to say I'm really sorry for everything you're going through. Life sucks overall right now so I can't imagine adding what you and your family are going through. I assume you and your daughter have a good relationship based on the situation but, if not, I'd try to be as vulnerable with each other as you can manage. It'll really help turn you guys into support structures for each other which is really helpful when things are as rough as they are right now. Good luck to you and your family.
  • jcims 6y ago
    Thank you for the kind thoughts and words, and I totally agree with your recommendation. It’s going to take some time, but we’re moving in the right direction.
• deleted 6y ago
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• apple4ever 6y ago
  My mom died from Frontotemporal Dementia. She was diagnosed and was dead with in a year. But she experienced symptoms for at least a year before. For about 1.5 years I don't think she really understood much of what we said to her, and of course the last 6 months she was basically a child. Near the end I told her I loved her and she was a great mom, but I really should have told her that 2 years before. Its one of my biggest regrets. Don't wait. Say it now.