4 ms·

I have had this doubt for a very long time and I feel HN is the right place to possibly get some non-defensive / non-trolls response to it. I am an Indian and

I have had this doubt for a very long time and I feel HN is the right place to possibly get some non-defensive / non-trolls response to it. I am an Indian and here (I'd say most of Asia) we have a very strong culture of staying with parents, living together and everything. I mean unless absolutely required , kids do not live separately. What are your views on it, as a westerner? Except the financial angle.

zhoujianfu 6y ago
As a westerner (U.S., Caucasian) I’d say it’s not culturally the same... you’re sort of expected to move out, maybe stay near your parents (same metro)... but no social pressure/shame if you move three time zones away either. There’s more stigma for living with your parents than not. I guess if you own the house and your parents live with you, that’s fine. But if it’s their house, generally speaking after college “it’s time to leave the nest!“
- zanny 6y ago
  The irrationality of it really comes off as some subtle cultural manipulation by real estate moguls to profiteer off renters. I get the pressure is historic to the homesteading and rapid settlement of the country over the last 300 years but nowadays someone's got monetary interests in keeping the fire stoked.
socialdemocrat 6y ago
One thing I noticed when hanging around Indian friends in the past is that a lot of what they described as Indian culture has more to do with where a country is in terms of development. A lot of things they called “Indian“ is often just what it was in my country “Norway” during my grand parents generation or earlier. Staying with parents would be common here too in earlier times. A lot of western individualism grew as society transformed economically and technologically. As people got a lot fewer children, and children perhaps had to move further for work. Government had to start building out retirement homes as not all old people would have children who could take care of them. With more prosperity people also often want more independence and over time welfare services get better built out to help both the young and old. Over time your culture adapts to it. My mom would definitely not want to have me hanging around for long periods of time. But she likes that I bring the family over and stay in weekends and holidays. I know from Indian friends that you seem way more comfortable about being around a lot of people. As a Norwegian I hate being around too much people for a long time. I need plenty of alone time to feel well. But it can be too much. This COVID19 pandemic has been hard. I miss people from work. My family. Just walking in a crowded street.
- lotsofpulp 6y ago
  > With more prosperity people also often want more independence and over time welfare services get better built out to help both the young and old. Yes, people will almost always choose freedom if they can afford it (including parents who can take of themselves). Few would willingly choose to compromise unless they have to, which is shown in data. The super rich Indian kids I know live in flats in big cities by themselves.
chmod600 6y ago
At around 20-25 years old, I felt a strong need to be out making a life for myself. I moved around, met people, and started my career. Now that I have kids I can certainly see the appeal of living with or close to parents. I think having a clean break around 18 years old is a good idea for many people. See what it takes to be self-sufficient when you have lots of energy and no kids.
nsomaru 6y ago
My family left India 5 generations ago, in the late 1800s. We also had the “advantage” of being “separated” so our “Indian” culture was maintained. Most of us who made it here and stayed were probably not from upper castes. But there always was a strong link and loyalty to the motherland at least until my grandfather’s generation. You can probably guess where I’m from. The first thing our people lost here was the language. Amazingly, Tamillians speak English in the fast-merged way Tamil is spoken but they speak absolutely no Tamil. Same goes for north-Indian language speakers. Now even the accent is being lost as the most superior accent in this country is obviously the one maintained by the ruling class (white). Then, clothing. Our traditional dress became considered inferior for everyday use and only gaudy dress for weddings and other functions remain. Now, my grandmother who looked after her father in law and changed his diapers on his deathbed is completely abandoned. She is so distraught because the generation of my parents is the first to break a pact that I assume goes back millennia in Indian culture; that children will care directly for elders (no old age homes). It’s interesting however that the social-religious aspects of Indian culture from the late 1800s have been quite meticulously maintained, although there is little impetus for philosophy. It is, however, still uncommon for Indian unmarried children to live with anyone other than parents. The first time I visited India I was completely abhorred, for many reasons. I was extremely sure that I am not an Indian. But after living there for many years I can say that most differences between the west and India in this regard comes from the importance in India of the group over the individual, a situation which (seems to me) to be reversed in the west. And there are deep cultural values which exist in me to this day which emanate from India and I have been lucky enough to realise. I have acknowledged that a large part of my personal life will be reconciling these two men that meet within me, the westerner and the Indian...
- lotsofpulp 6y ago
  > But after living there for many years I can say that most differences between the west and India in this regard comes from the importance in India of the group over the individual, a situation which (seems to me) to be reversed in the west. This was due to economic circumstances. Given economic freedom by higher incomes, especially for women enabling them to be independent, makes all of those group over individual cultures change to individual over group. I see this in kids of Indians that moved from India to the US/UK and the kids still in India. If you’re financially able to you, you live in your own home. Parents might be nearby, or maybe move in once they need help due to their medical issues.
GeoAtreides 6y ago
Not all westerners kick their children out as soon as possible. Southern Europeans (Spanish, Italian, Greeks) and East-Europeans are very family oriented, and living with parents is seen as normal, expected and beneficial. Check this interesting reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskEurope/comments/giznbo/in_your_country_is_it_normal_for_parents_to/ https://www.reddit.com/r/AskEurope/comments/giznbo/in_your_c...
closeparen 6y ago
Americans do a lot of maturing, gaining life experience, building interpersonal skills, etc. during our twenties. I can't see much of that happening for me in front of my parents. I have some idea of the person I would be if I had simply replaced high school with work as my daytime activity, and I don't like it. I suspect that this process hsa a lot to do with society changing over time, and I don't think the overlap between traditional cultures and living at home is accidental. When parents maintain supervision and control over their children for their whole lives, rather than just the first 18 years, there is less room for the generation to drift into different norms.

zhoujianfu 6y ago

As a westerner (U.S., Caucasian) I’d say it’s not culturally the same... you’re sort of expected to move out, maybe stay near your parents (same metro)... but no social pressure/shame if you move three time zones away either. There’s more stigma for living with your parents than not. I guess if you own the house and your parents live with you, that’s fine. But if it’s their house, generally speaking after college “it’s time to leave the nest!“

zanny 6y ago
The irrationality of it really comes off as some subtle cultural manipulation by real estate moguls to profiteer off renters. I get the pressure is historic to the homesteading and rapid settlement of the country over the last 300 years but nowadays someone's got monetary interests in keeping the fire stoked.

socialdemocrat 6y ago

One thing I noticed when hanging around Indian friends in the past is that a lot of what they described as Indian culture has more to do with where a country is in terms of development. A lot of things they called “Indian“ is often just what it was in my country “Norway” during my grand parents generation or earlier. Staying with parents would be common here too in earlier times. A lot of western individualism grew as society transformed economically and technologically. As people got a lot fewer children, and children perhaps had to move further for work. Government had to start building out retirement homes as not all old people would have children who could take care of them. With more prosperity people also often want more independence and over time welfare services get better built out to help both the young and old. Over time your culture adapts to it. My mom would definitely not want to have me hanging around for long periods of time. But she likes that I bring the family over and stay in weekends and holidays. I know from Indian friends that you seem way more comfortable about being around a lot of people. As a Norwegian I hate being around too much people for a long time. I need plenty of alone time to feel well. But it can be too much. This COVID19 pandemic has been hard. I miss people from work. My family. Just walking in a crowded street.

lotsofpulp 6y ago
> With more prosperity people also often want more independence and over time welfare services get better built out to help both the young and old. Yes, people will almost always choose freedom if they can afford it (including parents who can take of themselves). Few would willingly choose to compromise unless they have to, which is shown in data. The super rich Indian kids I know live in flats in big cities by themselves.

chmod600 6y ago

At around 20-25 years old, I felt a strong need to be out making a life for myself. I moved around, met people, and started my career. Now that I have kids I can certainly see the appeal of living with or close to parents. I think having a clean break around 18 years old is a good idea for many people. See what it takes to be self-sufficient when you have lots of energy and no kids.

nsomaru 6y ago

My family left India 5 generations ago, in the late 1800s. We also had the “advantage” of being “separated” so our “Indian” culture was maintained. Most of us who made it here and stayed were probably not from upper castes. But there always was a strong link and loyalty to the motherland at least until my grandfather’s generation. You can probably guess where I’m from. The first thing our people lost here was the language. Amazingly, Tamillians speak English in the fast-merged way Tamil is spoken but they speak absolutely no Tamil. Same goes for north-Indian language speakers. Now even the accent is being lost as the most superior accent in this country is obviously the one maintained by the ruling class (white). Then, clothing. Our traditional dress became considered inferior for everyday use and only gaudy dress for weddings and other functions remain. Now, my grandmother who looked after her father in law and changed his diapers on his deathbed is completely abandoned. She is so distraught because the generation of my parents is the first to break a pact that I assume goes back millennia in Indian culture; that children will care directly for elders (no old age homes). It’s interesting however that the social-religious aspects of Indian culture from the late 1800s have been quite meticulously maintained, although there is little impetus for philosophy. It is, however, still uncommon for Indian unmarried children to live with anyone other than parents. The first time I visited India I was completely abhorred, for many reasons. I was extremely sure that I am not an Indian. But after living there for many years I can say that most differences between the west and India in this regard comes from the importance in India of the group over the individual, a situation which (seems to me) to be reversed in the west. And there are deep cultural values which exist in me to this day which emanate from India and I have been lucky enough to realise. I have acknowledged that a large part of my personal life will be reconciling these two men that meet within me, the westerner and the Indian...

lotsofpulp 6y ago
> But after living there for many years I can say that most differences between the west and India in this regard comes from the importance in India of the group over the individual, a situation which (seems to me) to be reversed in the west. This was due to economic circumstances. Given economic freedom by higher incomes, especially for women enabling them to be independent, makes all of those group over individual cultures change to individual over group. I see this in kids of Indians that moved from India to the US/UK and the kids still in India. If you’re financially able to you, you live in your own home. Parents might be nearby, or maybe move in once they need help due to their medical issues.

GeoAtreides 6y ago

Not all westerners kick their children out as soon as possible. Southern Europeans (Spanish, Italian, Greeks) and East-Europeans are very family oriented, and living with parents is seen as normal, expected and beneficial. Check this interesting reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskEurope/comments/giznbo/in_your_country_is_it_normal_for_parents_to/ https://www.reddit.com/r/AskEurope/comments/giznbo/in_your_c...

closeparen 6y ago

Americans do a lot of maturing, gaining life experience, building interpersonal skills, etc. during our twenties. I can't see much of that happening for me in front of my parents. I have some idea of the person I would be if I had simply replaced high school with work as my daytime activity, and I don't like it. I suspect that this process hsa a lot to do with society changing over time, and I don't think the overlap between traditional cultures and living at home is accidental. When parents maintain supervision and control over their children for their whole lives, rather than just the first 18 years, there is less room for the generation to drift into different norms.