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I'm envious of people who have a kind of "best friend" relationship with their parents. My father, for example, I have almost nothing in common with. He's the p

I'm envious of people who have a kind of "best friend" relationship with their parents. My father, for example, I have almost nothing in common with. He's the political opposite of me, doesn't have any hobbies or share any of the same interests, and doesn't have the same sense of humour, so our conversation always falls flat. I bought him a laptop and introduced him to the internet because I thought he might find some new interests, but it just resulted in him watching radical YouTube videos and ranting about politics even more. For the people in this thread saying they call their parents every second day, is it because you genuinely like talking to them, or is it more out of a sense of obligation? Do I still have a duty to call my parents multiple times a week, despite us never having anything to talk about?

lopatin 6y ago
FWIW my dad and I are also political opposites. While being a gifted physicist, he also believes in some crazy crap like faked moon landings, 9-11 truth, etc.. We don't talk every day, or even every week, but when we meet up for coffee or drinks, our polarized opinions fuel interesting debates. We also both know when to pump the breaks when it seems we reach an impasse.
rb808 6y ago
Wait til you have kids then you'll have something in common. I hardly saw my parents for 15 years, now its weekly.
jshevek 6y ago
>Do I still have a duty to call my parents multiple times a week, despite us never having anything to talk about I don't think it's anyone else's place to decide what your duties are, here. On the one hand, feelings of duty can cause us to try too hard to do something which doesn't bring any goodness to anyone involved. On the other hand, cultivating emotional generosity is often deeply satisfying, and this could be (or not) an opportunity to place someone else happiness above your own interests. Every situation is different.
balfirevic 6y ago
> Do I still have a duty to call my parents multiple times a week, despite us never having anything to talk about? No, of course not.
oefrha 6y ago
I don’t have a best friend relationship with either of my parents so there’s not much to talk about that would genuinely interest both parties (in the topics alone). But I know my parents (especially my mom) are among the few people in the world who genuinely care about me no matter what, so we listen, and we share otherwise boring things like problems at work. It’s partially driven by a sense of obligation, but I think the human connection is worthwhile. P.S. Talking about politics is a recipe for disaster. There’s always something to disagree on, and in an unrestrained environment like between me and my parents it could easily escalate. I hardly ever came out of such a conversation unscathed.
EL_Loco 6y ago
I don't know if you have a duty or not, that's really not for me to say. What I will say is: don't think you should care for your father just because you get along well. Think about you growing up instead. Did he take care of you? Brought food to the table? Was a reasonably good father? Being your friend was not viewed as a father's role in many of past generation's fathers, and in many cultures in general. If I had nothing to talk about with my father, I'd still call him sometimes and thank him for having been a good one. After all, he could have just shunned all of it and said "Do I still have a duty to take care of my children, despite me not really wanting this burden?" Of, course, I'm saying this to people who had a distant dad, but one who was at least there, and was at least decent and stuck through it. Your upbringing may have been different.
dijit 6y ago
You're going to get a lot of replies because this is an easy thing to have an opinion about. But the reason it is so is because it's incredibly subjective. you mention that your father is the polar opposite of you politically. Well, so is my mum and she is my best friend for sure. She's ardently pro-brexit and I think it's stupid, we've even argued about it heatedly. (although often it can be quite "nice" to get an outside opinion, I am very aware of my own bubble and how the world has become this horrible polarising assortment of echo-chambers) you mention that you have no shared hobbies, but that's not a dealbreaker either, I also don't have any hobbies shared with my mum. The major difference might be that I have always had a "I trust you more than I trust myself" mentality, and I feel like I can tell her anything and not be judged. She doesn't have to give me solutions to every little problem but she will listen. The other thing is I generally enjoy being in her presence, yes, she's overly tightly wound, she yells and gets aggravated to an unusually high degree, but she's a decent person and wants everyone to be happy, and that goes a long way. What I'm trying to convey is that those things you mentioned don't matter as much as you might think they do, what matters is the kind of trust and enjoyment you both get out of each other generally. I'm very bad at keeping in touch with people so I'm the wrong person to say that society expects you to call your parents. I don't think anyone outside cares if you do or not- it's about you and how much you want them in your life.
- dorkwood 6y ago
  > The major difference might be that I have always had a "I trust you more than I trust myself" mentality, and I feel like I can tell her anything and not be judged. She doesn't have to give me solutions to every little problem but she will listen. When I said "best friend relationship", this is what I was referring to. My real-life best friends don't share all of my interests or politics, so I know that's not the dealbreaker I may have made it out to be in my original post. The difference is that I can share my thoughts and feelings openly with my friends without feeling like they're going to share what I said with other people, or judge me, or take it upon themselves to fix my situation -- and I can't say the same for my parents. I'm glad you're grateful for and recognise the special relationship you have with your Mother, as I think it's more rare than you may realize.
adrianmonk 6y ago
I look at family as its own type of relationship. Like friend or romantic or professional is a type of relationship. It's often worthwhile to have family that you stick together with. Partly to maintain some connection to where you come from but also because sometimes life throws some real nasty stuff at you, and it's good if someone has your back. I think we humans are wired for this to some extent, and it can often be beneficial. If so, then it's worth some effort to maintain that family relationship. So I think there's a third option, which is to call them not because you're best buds or because you're supposed to but because you've decided maintaining that family relationship is important to you. Can you have both a friend relationship and a family relationship with one person? Yes. It's great when people have that. But it's not a given, and if you can't (or don't, or don't yet), that doesn't necessarily prevent the family relationship from being there. Personally I think calling multiple times a week is probably only natural if you have the friends type of relationship with them. If you don't, I wouldn't feel bad about not forcing it that way.
werber 6y ago
I had a similar relationship with my mother. Political opposites, plus mental illness, yada yada yada. When I came home from college she told me she was done with me and I haven’t seen her in over a decade. It was incredibly hard for me at the time, I was a teenager, but in retrospect it was the best thing she could have done. We were only capable of hurting each other. I don’t believe you owe someone your time because you’re related. I know it’s not a popular opinion, and it wouldn’t have been my choice, but it worked out well long term for my mental health.
miguelmota 6y ago
I’m kind of in the same boat. My parents were very conservative as I was growing up and it resulting in me growing apart from them and not feeling comfortable talking to them.
deleted 6y ago
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kerkeslager 6y ago
It shouldn't be a surprise that the same culture that brought us deplatforming and canceling, would bring us cutting out your parents because you disagree with their politics. Do it for yourself. Your parents are a huge part of your psyche: they made you--100% in a genetic sense, and in most cases they made a lot of your personality traits by the way they raised you. And they made you in their image, because they could only give you what they had. In a sense, making peace with your parents is making peace with yourself. It's not comfortable but many things that are worthwhile aren't. Maybe set a boundary where you don't talk about politics. Or do talk about politics if you can keep it polite and productive: it's pretty fucked up that so many people just write off people because they hold radical political views. One of the most effective ways to change the political landscape is for people to talk to radicals and explain to them patiently why their views are wrong. And that's most effective when coming from loved ones, I think. Don't try to do it if you can't do it in a healthy way, but it's certainly a worthwhile endeavor if you can do it.
- deleted 6y ago
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- tempestn 6y ago
  > explain to them patiently why their views are wrong Good luck with that. Best I think is reasonable to hope for with that much of a gulf is to model the attitudes you believe in, and hope the other person eventually comes around. Don't think anyone with radical views has ever been convinced by someone explaining - calmly or otherwise - why they're wrong. As to the OP's question of whether he's obligated to talk to his father, with whom he shares no interests and disagrees on strongly-held beliefs, multiple times per week. My answer would be a hard no, but that's far from cutting him out of his life. I agree with you that it's emotionally beneficial to have a connection with your parents where possible, and that OP could try to have contact with his dad. But forcing it on a very regular basis when it's unpleasant and uncomfortable seems counter-productive.
  - kerkeslager 6y ago
    > Don't think anyone with radical views has ever been convinced by someone explaining - calmly or otherwise - why they're wrong. Well, I can disprove that: me. I grew up with some pretty homophobic views, and due to some very patient people in my life, I realized I was wrong. And I've had similar conversations with other people and seen their views change over time. > As to the OP's question of whether he's obligated to talk to his father, with whom he shares no interests and disagrees on strongly-held beliefs, multiple times per week. My answer would be a hard no, but that's far from cutting him out of his life. I don't think there's any obligation. > I agree with you that it's emotionally beneficial to have a connection with your parents where possible, and that OP could try to have contact with his dad. But forcing it on a very regular basis when it's unpleasant and uncomfortable seems counter-productive. There's a range of unpleasantness and discomfort, and I think some level of both is a necessary part of growth. If every conversation turns into a screaming match--sure that's counterproductive. But if you're at a point in your life when you can handle disagreement in a healthy way, disagreement doesn't need to be avoided.
rlt 6y ago
I don't think most people would describe their relationship with their parents as a "best friend" type relationship. It's not that surprising you don't have much in common with them. How many other friends do you have their age? If you don't actually enjoy talking to them, I wouldn't frame it as an "obligation" or "duty", but whether you care about them. Especially as they get older, they may need someone to look out for them. For example, I had to call my parents almost every day for two weeks to convince them to take COVID-19 seriously. Normally I call about once per week. Also, try putting yourself in their shoes and imagine what it's like to raise a child you love more than anything in the world, and have that child grow apart from you and want nothing to do you with you. I imagine it can be heartbreaking.
- dingaling 6y ago
  > imagine what it's like to raise a child you love more than anything in the world Not all parents feel like that though. I have very little in common with my children and can't wait to have my own life back. Once they've flown the nest I doubt I'd appreciate them hassling me on Hallmark days.
jklein11 6y ago
If you are the one choosing not to have a relationship with someone because of their political opinion you are the one who is wrong.
- dorkwood 6y ago
  I agree! My original post was about not having very many things to talk about with my parents, especially if I was to start calling them multiple times per week. I still talk to them, it's just more like once per month.

lopatin 6y ago

FWIW my dad and I are also political opposites. While being a gifted physicist, he also believes in some crazy crap like faked moon landings, 9-11 truth, etc.. We don't talk every day, or even every week, but when we meet up for coffee or drinks, our polarized opinions fuel interesting debates. We also both know when to pump the breaks when it seems we reach an impasse.

rb808 6y ago

Wait til you have kids then you'll have something in common. I hardly saw my parents for 15 years, now its weekly.

jshevek 6y ago

>Do I still have a duty to call my parents multiple times a week, despite us never having anything to talk about I don't think it's anyone else's place to decide what your duties are, here. On the one hand, feelings of duty can cause us to try too hard to do something which doesn't bring any goodness to anyone involved. On the other hand, cultivating emotional generosity is often deeply satisfying, and this could be (or not) an opportunity to place someone else happiness above your own interests. Every situation is different.

balfirevic 6y ago

> Do I still have a duty to call my parents multiple times a week, despite us never having anything to talk about? No, of course not.

oefrha 6y ago

I don’t have a best friend relationship with either of my parents so there’s not much to talk about that would genuinely interest both parties (in the topics alone). But I know my parents (especially my mom) are among the few people in the world who genuinely care about me no matter what, so we listen, and we share otherwise boring things like problems at work. It’s partially driven by a sense of obligation, but I think the human connection is worthwhile. P.S. Talking about politics is a recipe for disaster. There’s always something to disagree on, and in an unrestrained environment like between me and my parents it could easily escalate. I hardly ever came out of such a conversation unscathed.

EL_Loco 6y ago

I don't know if you have a duty or not, that's really not for me to say. What I will say is: don't think you should care for your father just because you get along well. Think about you growing up instead. Did he take care of you? Brought food to the table? Was a reasonably good father? Being your friend was not viewed as a father's role in many of past generation's fathers, and in many cultures in general. If I had nothing to talk about with my father, I'd still call him sometimes and thank him for having been a good one. After all, he could have just shunned all of it and said "Do I still have a duty to take care of my children, despite me not really wanting this burden?" Of, course, I'm saying this to people who had a distant dad, but one who was at least there, and was at least decent and stuck through it. Your upbringing may have been different.

dijit 6y ago

You're going to get a lot of replies because this is an easy thing to have an opinion about. But the reason it is so is because it's incredibly subjective. you mention that your father is the polar opposite of you politically. Well, so is my mum and she is my best friend for sure. She's ardently pro-brexit and I think it's stupid, we've even argued about it heatedly. (although often it can be quite "nice" to get an outside opinion, I am very aware of my own bubble and how the world has become this horrible polarising assortment of echo-chambers) you mention that you have no shared hobbies, but that's not a dealbreaker either, I also don't have any hobbies shared with my mum. The major difference might be that I have always had a "I trust you more than I trust myself" mentality, and I feel like I can tell her anything and not be judged. She doesn't have to give me solutions to every little problem but she will listen. The other thing is I generally enjoy being in her presence, yes, she's overly tightly wound, she yells and gets aggravated to an unusually high degree, but she's a decent person and wants everyone to be happy, and that goes a long way. What I'm trying to convey is that those things you mentioned don't matter as much as you might think they do, what matters is the kind of trust and enjoyment you both get out of each other generally. I'm very bad at keeping in touch with people so I'm the wrong person to say that society expects you to call your parents. I don't think anyone outside cares if you do or not- it's about you and how much you want them in your life.

dorkwood 6y ago
> The major difference might be that I have always had a "I trust you more than I trust myself" mentality, and I feel like I can tell her anything and not be judged. She doesn't have to give me solutions to every little problem but she will listen. When I said "best friend relationship", this is what I was referring to. My real-life best friends don't share all of my interests or politics, so I know that's not the dealbreaker I may have made it out to be in my original post. The difference is that I can share my thoughts and feelings openly with my friends without feeling like they're going to share what I said with other people, or judge me, or take it upon themselves to fix my situation -- and I can't say the same for my parents. I'm glad you're grateful for and recognise the special relationship you have with your Mother, as I think it's more rare than you may realize.

adrianmonk 6y ago

I look at family as its own type of relationship. Like friend or romantic or professional is a type of relationship. It's often worthwhile to have family that you stick together with. Partly to maintain some connection to where you come from but also because sometimes life throws some real nasty stuff at you, and it's good if someone has your back. I think we humans are wired for this to some extent, and it can often be beneficial. If so, then it's worth some effort to maintain that family relationship. So I think there's a third option, which is to call them not because you're best buds or because you're supposed to but because you've decided maintaining that family relationship is important to you. Can you have both a friend relationship and a family relationship with one person? Yes. It's great when people have that. But it's not a given, and if you can't (or don't, or don't yet), that doesn't necessarily prevent the family relationship from being there. Personally I think calling multiple times a week is probably only natural if you have the friends type of relationship with them. If you don't, I wouldn't feel bad about not forcing it that way.

werber 6y ago

I had a similar relationship with my mother. Political opposites, plus mental illness, yada yada yada. When I came home from college she told me she was done with me and I haven’t seen her in over a decade. It was incredibly hard for me at the time, I was a teenager, but in retrospect it was the best thing she could have done. We were only capable of hurting each other. I don’t believe you owe someone your time because you’re related. I know it’s not a popular opinion, and it wouldn’t have been my choice, but it worked out well long term for my mental health.

miguelmota 6y ago

I’m kind of in the same boat. My parents were very conservative as I was growing up and it resulting in me growing apart from them and not feeling comfortable talking to them.

deleted 6y ago

[deleted]

kerkeslager 6y ago

It shouldn't be a surprise that the same culture that brought us deplatforming and canceling, would bring us cutting out your parents because you disagree with their politics. Do it for yourself. Your parents are a huge part of your psyche: they made you--100% in a genetic sense, and in most cases they made a lot of your personality traits by the way they raised you. And they made you in their image, because they could only give you what they had. In a sense, making peace with your parents is making peace with yourself. It's not comfortable but many things that are worthwhile aren't. Maybe set a boundary where you don't talk about politics. Or do talk about politics if you can keep it polite and productive: it's pretty fucked up that so many people just write off people because they hold radical political views. One of the most effective ways to change the political landscape is for people to talk to radicals and explain to them patiently why their views are wrong. And that's most effective when coming from loved ones, I think. Don't try to do it if you can't do it in a healthy way, but it's certainly a worthwhile endeavor if you can do it.

deleted 6y ago
[deleted]
tempestn 6y ago
> explain to them patiently why their views are wrong Good luck with that. Best I think is reasonable to hope for with that much of a gulf is to model the attitudes you believe in, and hope the other person eventually comes around. Don't think anyone with radical views has ever been convinced by someone explaining - calmly or otherwise - why they're wrong. As to the OP's question of whether he's obligated to talk to his father, with whom he shares no interests and disagrees on strongly-held beliefs, multiple times per week. My answer would be a hard no, but that's far from cutting him out of his life. I agree with you that it's emotionally beneficial to have a connection with your parents where possible, and that OP could try to have contact with his dad. But forcing it on a very regular basis when it's unpleasant and uncomfortable seems counter-productive.
- kerkeslager 6y ago
  > Don't think anyone with radical views has ever been convinced by someone explaining - calmly or otherwise - why they're wrong. Well, I can disprove that: me. I grew up with some pretty homophobic views, and due to some very patient people in my life, I realized I was wrong. And I've had similar conversations with other people and seen their views change over time. > As to the OP's question of whether he's obligated to talk to his father, with whom he shares no interests and disagrees on strongly-held beliefs, multiple times per week. My answer would be a hard no, but that's far from cutting him out of his life. I don't think there's any obligation. > I agree with you that it's emotionally beneficial to have a connection with your parents where possible, and that OP could try to have contact with his dad. But forcing it on a very regular basis when it's unpleasant and uncomfortable seems counter-productive. There's a range of unpleasantness and discomfort, and I think some level of both is a necessary part of growth. If every conversation turns into a screaming match--sure that's counterproductive. But if you're at a point in your life when you can handle disagreement in a healthy way, disagreement doesn't need to be avoided.

rlt 6y ago

I don't think most people would describe their relationship with their parents as a "best friend" type relationship. It's not that surprising you don't have much in common with them. How many other friends do you have their age? If you don't actually enjoy talking to them, I wouldn't frame it as an "obligation" or "duty", but whether you care about them. Especially as they get older, they may need someone to look out for them. For example, I had to call my parents almost every day for two weeks to convince them to take COVID-19 seriously. Normally I call about once per week. Also, try putting yourself in their shoes and imagine what it's like to raise a child you love more than anything in the world, and have that child grow apart from you and want nothing to do you with you. I imagine it can be heartbreaking.

dingaling 6y ago
> imagine what it's like to raise a child you love more than anything in the world Not all parents feel like that though. I have very little in common with my children and can't wait to have my own life back. Once they've flown the nest I doubt I'd appreciate them hassling me on Hallmark days.

jklein11 6y ago

If you are the one choosing not to have a relationship with someone because of their political opinion you are the one who is wrong.

dorkwood 6y ago
I agree! My original post was about not having very many things to talk about with my parents, especially if I was to start calling them multiple times per week. I still talk to them, it's just more like once per month.