4 ms·

When I was younger, I was like you describe. I'd lay awake nights kinda freaked out that I would die some day. I remember looking up life expectancy and comfo

by vanniv 7y ago

When I was younger, I was like you describe. I'd lay awake nights kinda freaked out that I would die some day. I remember looking up life expectancy and comforting myself that I had more than 75% or whatever left. When that wasn't enough, I'd think about how far away I was from graduation, and how, even after that, I'd have whatever-percent left. I knew it didn't work that way, and it was irrational, but it helped me sleep, so I did it. I'd absolutely panic if I had a fight with a family member at night and didn't have a chance to make up before bed -- what if I died before morning! But, illnesses never scared me much. Then one day. One day, I was at the doctor's office, having a minor outpatient surgery performed. Very minor, local anesthetic only, procedure takes 10 minutes. And the doc stuck me with the needle for the anesthetic, and it hurt just a little more than expected, and vasovagal reaction, and I fainted. Tunnel vision, echoing sound, sense of impending doom, blackness. I was awake again before I finished falling back on the exam table, but I had a major panic attack. Never happened before in my life, but suddenly I was in an unimaginable blind panic, hyperventilating like mad, hands and feet starting to tingle and feel like they were vibrating. Took two hours to calm down enough that they let me leave. From that day on, anxiety attacks were a part of my life. For awhile, they were uncontrollable, and I started down the path that leads to agoraphobia. Before I locked myself in my dorm room forever, I got the anxiety just barely enough under control to keep living. I learned to talk about my anxiety very frankly with anyone who would stand still long enough to listen. This might be awkward oversharing, but it prevented me from getting stuck in the feedback loop that keeps people locked at home -- fear of the embarrassment of a panic attack being enough to start one. I eventually learned to repeat my anxiety mantra aloud: "if every time I felt short of breath was really a heart attacks, I'd already have died long ago -- so these are not heart attacks" Anyway, long story, but the result is that 20 years later, I rarely have attacks anymore, though I'm still a bit of an anxious soul. I don't often have that existential angst that used to lead me to count lifespans as a teen. But I do get massively panicky when I'm sick, now. I'm not sure what you said that compelled me to write this, but... it needed to get out.

dijit 7y ago
That sounds rough. Thanks for sharing.
op00to 7y ago
And all of us with similar stories are all suffering now because everything we’ve worked up to control our panic is exactly the thing that triggers it. Fuck me.
anon9001 7y ago
I don't really have anything meaningful to add here, but thanks for sharing. I'm certain your story will be helpful to others here.
cableshaft 7y ago
I started getting what I now think are probably anxiety attacks a few years ago. I have asthma and now some GERD symptoms, so every once in awhile, I get symptoms that mirror the online warning symptoms for heart attack: numb left arm, tingles throughout my body, lightheadedness, skipped heart beats, chest tightness, chest is painful to the touch, etc. I'd go to urgent care and they'd always be like "well you have a normal EKG but you should go to the hospital to be sure" and then the emergency room will talk to me, take my blood, monitor me for a few hours and take my blood again (sometimes it takes awhile for the markers of a heart attack to show up), and then tell me it was probably just heartburn. I've gone five times in the last 2 years for this same song and dance (I skip urgent care now). I have had these feelings happen about 20 times besides that, so I'm not even going every single time, there's just some especially scary ones that make me go "It's probably nothing, but just in case!" Last time I was driving and could barely focus on the road, which was new. I was pretty close to an ER and even then I pulled off the side of the road and tried to calm down for 20 minutes before finally deciding to go in. I'm only in my 30s, but I have seeing more and more stories of people dying from heart attacks that young (I know it's still rare, but it can happen), so that doesn't help. And if for some reason it ever does become a heart attack, I probably won't tell the difference and might not go in for it, and end up dead. So yeah, anxiety over heart attacks can be no joke. I have real symptoms that manifest over it. Sorry you're going through this. I don't know if it'll ever go away for me, myself. Worried it might just be something I have to live with from now on. But I'm fine normally except for the rare attacks. Even this pandemic isn't really bothering me too much, although I'm doing my best to avoid getting it, especially since I have other issues that could lead to a bad outcome (like the already mentioned asthma).
- vanniv 7y ago
  Yeah, it can be hard, I know for sure. Real anxiety with potent physical symptoms is very much not "all in our heads" Anxiety can be debilitating when it strikes. On top, it can create these crushing feedback loops. I mentioned above the common-ish version in severe agoraphobia -- where fear of having an anxiety attack becomes powerful enough to cause them all by itself. That is the usual root cause of those stories you occasionally hear about people who lock themselves away for 10+ years, never going outside or being with anyone, except maybe one or two "safe people" It sounds like you ended up like me with a version where the feedback loop is anxiety -> palpitations -> health-anxiety -> major panic -> health panic. I have read hundreds of detailed descriptions of the symptoms of all manner of serious diseases over they years, looking for the clue that I might not be dying. Not because I "really thought" that I was, but because I was having self-perpetuating anxiety over it. It's not the same as hypochondria, because I don't really rationally think that I have the condition in question, I just persistently fear that I do. It's nice to talk to someone who understands. I'm glad you are coping OK for the moment. I am too. We will make it, somehow.
anonymous_panic 7y ago
I just wanted—anonymously, sadly, because mental health issues are still stigmatized—to let you know that you’re not alone on this one. I also had a combination of a vasovagal episode and a panic attack, and it has taken years to mostly get over the resulting panic disorder. (It wasn’t helped by the fact that, during one trip to the ER for panic, a nurse performed an EKG incorrectly and I was misdiagnosed with a heart condition and admitted to the cardiac ward for the night. I still can’t believe that one.) Being sick makes me panicky too. I have a host of coping techniques and it seems to get easier each year, but it still sucks. Having to mentally navigate the current pandemic seems to be adding some resilience, at least. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. It helped to read it. Best of luck.
- vanniv 7y ago
  Thank you for replying! It is good to hear from other people who really understand! It's hard sometimes, because even people who are sympathetic and want to help just sometimes really don't understand. It's like "I know I'm not dying. That doesn't have any bearing on the fact that I'm currently having a massive panic over feeling like I'm dying!" It's been 15 years since that first attack, now. I still have a few every year -- and things that used to scare me a bit sometimes now break me unexpectedly. I've just learned not to be too embarrassed by it, and I've learned how to explain it to whoever happens to be with me when I melt down, and I've learned (through experience) that those feelings are just my anxiety, and not impending doom. Most people who know me well know about my anxiety, but if you let me casually, you wouldn't know. Except when I get sick, I function quite well these days. When I had what I still think was the coronavirus back in February, I became a wreck again, (symptoms of shortness of breath are probably the top trigger, since they'll start the anxiety, which then makes the breathing worse, which is the anxiety spiral all over again) but I recovered after two weeks, and am actually holding up well in my locked-down world. I was probably no fun to talk to during my illness, so I owe thanks to all my friends who listened to my panicked whining for two solid weeks

by vanniv 7y ago

dijit 7y ago

That sounds rough. Thanks for sharing.

op00to 7y ago

And all of us with similar stories are all suffering now because everything we’ve worked up to control our panic is exactly the thing that triggers it. Fuck me.

anon9001 7y ago

I don't really have anything meaningful to add here, but thanks for sharing. I'm certain your story will be helpful to others here.

cableshaft 7y ago

I started getting what I now think are probably anxiety attacks a few years ago. I have asthma and now some GERD symptoms, so every once in awhile, I get symptoms that mirror the online warning symptoms for heart attack: numb left arm, tingles throughout my body, lightheadedness, skipped heart beats, chest tightness, chest is painful to the touch, etc. I'd go to urgent care and they'd always be like "well you have a normal EKG but you should go to the hospital to be sure" and then the emergency room will talk to me, take my blood, monitor me for a few hours and take my blood again (sometimes it takes awhile for the markers of a heart attack to show up), and then tell me it was probably just heartburn. I've gone five times in the last 2 years for this same song and dance (I skip urgent care now). I have had these feelings happen about 20 times besides that, so I'm not even going every single time, there's just some especially scary ones that make me go "It's probably nothing, but just in case!" Last time I was driving and could barely focus on the road, which was new. I was pretty close to an ER and even then I pulled off the side of the road and tried to calm down for 20 minutes before finally deciding to go in. I'm only in my 30s, but I have seeing more and more stories of people dying from heart attacks that young (I know it's still rare, but it can happen), so that doesn't help. And if for some reason it ever does become a heart attack, I probably won't tell the difference and might not go in for it, and end up dead. So yeah, anxiety over heart attacks can be no joke. I have real symptoms that manifest over it. Sorry you're going through this. I don't know if it'll ever go away for me, myself. Worried it might just be something I have to live with from now on. But I'm fine normally except for the rare attacks. Even this pandemic isn't really bothering me too much, although I'm doing my best to avoid getting it, especially since I have other issues that could lead to a bad outcome (like the already mentioned asthma).

vanniv 7y ago
Yeah, it can be hard, I know for sure. Real anxiety with potent physical symptoms is very much not "all in our heads" Anxiety can be debilitating when it strikes. On top, it can create these crushing feedback loops. I mentioned above the common-ish version in severe agoraphobia -- where fear of having an anxiety attack becomes powerful enough to cause them all by itself. That is the usual root cause of those stories you occasionally hear about people who lock themselves away for 10+ years, never going outside or being with anyone, except maybe one or two "safe people" It sounds like you ended up like me with a version where the feedback loop is anxiety -> palpitations -> health-anxiety -> major panic -> health panic. I have read hundreds of detailed descriptions of the symptoms of all manner of serious diseases over they years, looking for the clue that I might not be dying. Not because I "really thought" that I was, but because I was having self-perpetuating anxiety over it. It's not the same as hypochondria, because I don't really rationally think that I have the condition in question, I just persistently fear that I do. It's nice to talk to someone who understands. I'm glad you are coping OK for the moment. I am too. We will make it, somehow.

anonymous_panic 7y ago

I just wanted—anonymously, sadly, because mental health issues are still stigmatized—to let you know that you’re not alone on this one. I also had a combination of a vasovagal episode and a panic attack, and it has taken years to mostly get over the resulting panic disorder. (It wasn’t helped by the fact that, during one trip to the ER for panic, a nurse performed an EKG incorrectly and I was misdiagnosed with a heart condition and admitted to the cardiac ward for the night. I still can’t believe that one.) Being sick makes me panicky too. I have a host of coping techniques and it seems to get easier each year, but it still sucks. Having to mentally navigate the current pandemic seems to be adding some resilience, at least. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. It helped to read it. Best of luck.

vanniv 7y ago
Thank you for replying! It is good to hear from other people who really understand! It's hard sometimes, because even people who are sympathetic and want to help just sometimes really don't understand. It's like "I know I'm not dying. That doesn't have any bearing on the fact that I'm currently having a massive panic over feeling like I'm dying!" It's been 15 years since that first attack, now. I still have a few every year -- and things that used to scare me a bit sometimes now break me unexpectedly. I've just learned not to be too embarrassed by it, and I've learned how to explain it to whoever happens to be with me when I melt down, and I've learned (through experience) that those feelings are just my anxiety, and not impending doom. Most people who know me well know about my anxiety, but if you let me casually, you wouldn't know. Except when I get sick, I function quite well these days. When I had what I still think was the coronavirus back in February, I became a wreck again, (symptoms of shortness of breath are probably the top trigger, since they'll start the anxiety, which then makes the breathing worse, which is the anxiety spiral all over again) but I recovered after two weeks, and am actually holding up well in my locked-down world. I was probably no fun to talk to during my illness, so I owe thanks to all my friends who listened to my panicked whining for two solid weeks