4 ms·

When I was in high school I was deeply afraid of death and thought about it daily. Then a few times over that period I got sick. Not unusually, or deathly sick,

When I was in high school I was deeply afraid of death and thought about it daily. Then a few times over that period I got sick. Not unusually, or deathly sick, but feeling like utter garbage and perhaps enough to wonder if there was a very remote chance that the illness could threaten my life. And everytime I wondered that I realized that I had no fear of death which struck me as really odd given that I would otherwise feel true terror at the thought of impending doom. This led me to the belief that fear of death is really just a biological impulse, and that pressing that mental button that says death is scary is just... not actually a reflection of your mentality but a biological response which can be dulled by physical circumstances like illness. By recognizing it wasn't really a rationally based thing, it became much easier to just not touch that biological scare button when contemplating death, and now it rarely bothers me (though it's still easy to trigger terror if I want to). I feel I arrived at a similar place to the author but on a much less romantic path. Not sure if I would have the same experience if the illness actually felt life threatening in an active way (e.g. breathing problems like the author experiences).

vanniv 7y ago
When I was younger, I was like you describe. I'd lay awake nights kinda freaked out that I would die some day. I remember looking up life expectancy and comforting myself that I had more than 75% or whatever left. When that wasn't enough, I'd think about how far away I was from graduation, and how, even after that, I'd have whatever-percent left. I knew it didn't work that way, and it was irrational, but it helped me sleep, so I did it. I'd absolutely panic if I had a fight with a family member at night and didn't have a chance to make up before bed -- what if I died before morning! But, illnesses never scared me much. Then one day. One day, I was at the doctor's office, having a minor outpatient surgery performed. Very minor, local anesthetic only, procedure takes 10 minutes. And the doc stuck me with the needle for the anesthetic, and it hurt just a little more than expected, and vasovagal reaction, and I fainted. Tunnel vision, echoing sound, sense of impending doom, blackness. I was awake again before I finished falling back on the exam table, but I had a major panic attack. Never happened before in my life, but suddenly I was in an unimaginable blind panic, hyperventilating like mad, hands and feet starting to tingle and feel like they were vibrating. Took two hours to calm down enough that they let me leave. From that day on, anxiety attacks were a part of my life. For awhile, they were uncontrollable, and I started down the path that leads to agoraphobia. Before I locked myself in my dorm room forever, I got the anxiety just barely enough under control to keep living. I learned to talk about my anxiety very frankly with anyone who would stand still long enough to listen. This might be awkward oversharing, but it prevented me from getting stuck in the feedback loop that keeps people locked at home -- fear of the embarrassment of a panic attack being enough to start one. I eventually learned to repeat my anxiety mantra aloud: "if every time I felt short of breath was really a heart attacks, I'd already have died long ago -- so these are not heart attacks" Anyway, long story, but the result is that 20 years later, I rarely have attacks anymore, though I'm still a bit of an anxious soul. I don't often have that existential angst that used to lead me to count lifespans as a teen. But I do get massively panicky when I'm sick, now. I'm not sure what you said that compelled me to write this, but... it needed to get out.
- dijit 7y ago
  That sounds rough. Thanks for sharing.
- op00to 7y ago
  And all of us with similar stories are all suffering now because everything we’ve worked up to control our panic is exactly the thing that triggers it. Fuck me.
- anon9001 7y ago
  I don't really have anything meaningful to add here, but thanks for sharing. I'm certain your story will be helpful to others here.
- cableshaft 7y ago
  I started getting what I now think are probably anxiety attacks a few years ago. I have asthma and now some GERD symptoms, so every once in awhile, I get symptoms that mirror the online warning symptoms for heart attack: numb left arm, tingles throughout my body, lightheadedness, skipped heart beats, chest tightness, chest is painful to the touch, etc. I'd go to urgent care and they'd always be like "well you have a normal EKG but you should go to the hospital to be sure" and then the emergency room will talk to me, take my blood, monitor me for a few hours and take my blood again (sometimes it takes awhile for the markers of a heart attack to show up), and then tell me it was probably just heartburn. I've gone five times in the last 2 years for this same song and dance (I skip urgent care now). I have had these feelings happen about 20 times besides that, so I'm not even going every single time, there's just some especially scary ones that make me go "It's probably nothing, but just in case!" Last time I was driving and could barely focus on the road, which was new. I was pretty close to an ER and even then I pulled off the side of the road and tried to calm down for 20 minutes before finally deciding to go in. I'm only in my 30s, but I have seeing more and more stories of people dying from heart attacks that young (I know it's still rare, but it can happen), so that doesn't help. And if for some reason it ever does become a heart attack, I probably won't tell the difference and might not go in for it, and end up dead. So yeah, anxiety over heart attacks can be no joke. I have real symptoms that manifest over it. Sorry you're going through this. I don't know if it'll ever go away for me, myself. Worried it might just be something I have to live with from now on. But I'm fine normally except for the rare attacks. Even this pandemic isn't really bothering me too much, although I'm doing my best to avoid getting it, especially since I have other issues that could lead to a bad outcome (like the already mentioned asthma).
JCharante 7y ago
It's interesting that you feared dying. I'm afraid of others I know dying, but if I were to die then I wouldn't know it, so I'm not necessarily afraid of dying (because from my perspective there's no difference between dying and going to sleep every night). I am afraid of pain or being permanently maimed however. If I were to be heavily sedated and intubated I'd be experiencing the same series of events that would happen if I were to recover from the ailment the next week. It's possible to die in my sleep but
- klmadfejno 7y ago
  That's more or less how I've always rationally felt, but thinking about permanently ever after being unable to even think triggers a sudden terror as if death were a looming predator. And the basic conclusion I have is that it's an unnecessary primal impulse that doesn't actually say anything about my views on death. It's just an introspective version of instinctively smelling something after someone tells you it smells bad. Just... don't and you'll be better off.

vanniv 7y ago

When I was younger, I was like you describe. I'd lay awake nights kinda freaked out that I would die some day. I remember looking up life expectancy and comforting myself that I had more than 75% or whatever left. When that wasn't enough, I'd think about how far away I was from graduation, and how, even after that, I'd have whatever-percent left. I knew it didn't work that way, and it was irrational, but it helped me sleep, so I did it. I'd absolutely panic if I had a fight with a family member at night and didn't have a chance to make up before bed -- what if I died before morning! But, illnesses never scared me much. Then one day. One day, I was at the doctor's office, having a minor outpatient surgery performed. Very minor, local anesthetic only, procedure takes 10 minutes. And the doc stuck me with the needle for the anesthetic, and it hurt just a little more than expected, and vasovagal reaction, and I fainted. Tunnel vision, echoing sound, sense of impending doom, blackness. I was awake again before I finished falling back on the exam table, but I had a major panic attack. Never happened before in my life, but suddenly I was in an unimaginable blind panic, hyperventilating like mad, hands and feet starting to tingle and feel like they were vibrating. Took two hours to calm down enough that they let me leave. From that day on, anxiety attacks were a part of my life. For awhile, they were uncontrollable, and I started down the path that leads to agoraphobia. Before I locked myself in my dorm room forever, I got the anxiety just barely enough under control to keep living. I learned to talk about my anxiety very frankly with anyone who would stand still long enough to listen. This might be awkward oversharing, but it prevented me from getting stuck in the feedback loop that keeps people locked at home -- fear of the embarrassment of a panic attack being enough to start one. I eventually learned to repeat my anxiety mantra aloud: "if every time I felt short of breath was really a heart attacks, I'd already have died long ago -- so these are not heart attacks" Anyway, long story, but the result is that 20 years later, I rarely have attacks anymore, though I'm still a bit of an anxious soul. I don't often have that existential angst that used to lead me to count lifespans as a teen. But I do get massively panicky when I'm sick, now. I'm not sure what you said that compelled me to write this, but... it needed to get out.

dijit 7y ago
That sounds rough. Thanks for sharing.
op00to 7y ago
And all of us with similar stories are all suffering now because everything we’ve worked up to control our panic is exactly the thing that triggers it. Fuck me.
anon9001 7y ago
I don't really have anything meaningful to add here, but thanks for sharing. I'm certain your story will be helpful to others here.
cableshaft 7y ago
I started getting what I now think are probably anxiety attacks a few years ago. I have asthma and now some GERD symptoms, so every once in awhile, I get symptoms that mirror the online warning symptoms for heart attack: numb left arm, tingles throughout my body, lightheadedness, skipped heart beats, chest tightness, chest is painful to the touch, etc. I'd go to urgent care and they'd always be like "well you have a normal EKG but you should go to the hospital to be sure" and then the emergency room will talk to me, take my blood, monitor me for a few hours and take my blood again (sometimes it takes awhile for the markers of a heart attack to show up), and then tell me it was probably just heartburn. I've gone five times in the last 2 years for this same song and dance (I skip urgent care now). I have had these feelings happen about 20 times besides that, so I'm not even going every single time, there's just some especially scary ones that make me go "It's probably nothing, but just in case!" Last time I was driving and could barely focus on the road, which was new. I was pretty close to an ER and even then I pulled off the side of the road and tried to calm down for 20 minutes before finally deciding to go in. I'm only in my 30s, but I have seeing more and more stories of people dying from heart attacks that young (I know it's still rare, but it can happen), so that doesn't help. And if for some reason it ever does become a heart attack, I probably won't tell the difference and might not go in for it, and end up dead. So yeah, anxiety over heart attacks can be no joke. I have real symptoms that manifest over it. Sorry you're going through this. I don't know if it'll ever go away for me, myself. Worried it might just be something I have to live with from now on. But I'm fine normally except for the rare attacks. Even this pandemic isn't really bothering me too much, although I'm doing my best to avoid getting it, especially since I have other issues that could lead to a bad outcome (like the already mentioned asthma).

JCharante 7y ago

It's interesting that you feared dying. I'm afraid of others I know dying, but if I were to die then I wouldn't know it, so I'm not necessarily afraid of dying (because from my perspective there's no difference between dying and going to sleep every night). I am afraid of pain or being permanently maimed however. If I were to be heavily sedated and intubated I'd be experiencing the same series of events that would happen if I were to recover from the ailment the next week. It's possible to die in my sleep but

klmadfejno 7y ago
That's more or less how I've always rationally felt, but thinking about permanently ever after being unable to even think triggers a sudden terror as if death were a looming predator. And the basic conclusion I have is that it's an unnecessary primal impulse that doesn't actually say anything about my views on death. It's just an introspective version of instinctively smelling something after someone tells you it smells bad. Just... don't and you'll be better off.