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> "several people have come up to us to say that you keep asking them to dance after they told you to stop asking them" I wonder if there's a better way to do

> "several people have come up to us to say that you keep asking them to dance after they told you to stop asking them" I wonder if there's a better way to do this. It seems to me that you should avoid bringing up -- even anonymously -- the existence of wronged parties who have complained.

saagarjha 7y ago
How else do you convey the fact that what they did was not appreciated by others?
- cainxinth 7y ago
  “Lisa’s on the can. Go away.”
  - saagarjha 7y ago
    Sorry?
    - grawprog 7y ago
      Pretty sure it's a reference to a Simpsons episode where Ralph becomes obssessed with Lisa after she gives him a valentine's card out of pity. He assumes they're dating and keeps harassing her. At one point he shows up at the house and Lisa tells homer to make up some excuse to get him to leave. The parent poster's comment was the excuse. I kind of hate that I remember that. I haven't watched the Simpsons for who knows how long but that shit's just burned into my brain from how many times I watched it as child.
- leftyted 7y ago
  That's what I'm asking. By mentioning "people who have complained," you're putting those people on the spot. The offender now probably knows who complained. I bring this up because I read a NYT article [0] yesterday. A highschooler was uncomfortable with the behavior of her classmates. She complained to her parents, who went to the principal. The principal dealt with it but, in the course of doing so, it became clear who had complained. This led to an even worse situation and she had to leave the school. Maybe it's unavoidable to mention that "people have complained" but I wouldn't lead with that. I think it's better for the authority figure to say "I noticed you were doing X" and take that on themselves, at least to start with. [0] https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/04/nyregion/new-jersey-antisemitism-high-school.html https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/04/nyregion/new-jersey-antis...
  - saagarjha 7y ago
    I can see the problem, but from the other side if you don’t really tell them that someone complained it can seem like you’re just unilaterally taking action. You’re just asking for “well, what does so-and-so think? Surely you’re just overreacting, they seemed fine to me…”
  - Zhyl 7y ago
    Another option (if possible) is to take the burden yourself. "I've seen when you've been behaving in this way and I don't feel that this is appropriate for the club". Rather than the implication of "someone has complained and I am following this through" it becomes "I, on behalf of the organisation, feel that this behaviour is inappropriate. If you're going to take an issue with that, you take it up with me first and foremost." In the case of the Higheschooler you mentioned, this is less possible due to the parents obviously being told by the daughter and obviously not being party to the grievances. In this situation your options are more limited.
    - jlokier 7y ago
      It was less possible for the parents to protect their daughter's identity, but it was eminently possible for the principal, who even went to the beach to see for himself. The photo was circulated to a large group after all. The principle had more than enough visibility on the harrassment and hostile environment, to apply discipline without identifying any particular target of hostility, and anyway it should have been treated as unacceptable behaviour regardless of whether there was anyone in particular targeted. There was certainly no need to identify the daughter, who was essentially a whistleblower. Now the school is being sued for failing to protect her identity, rightly in my view.
  - leetcrew 7y ago
    "I noticed you were doing X" is a better tactic, but it depends on whether it's actually plausible that you would have noticed. if the person doubts that you "noticed" of your own accord, it reduces to the original problem.
    - 7y ago
jefftk 7y ago
(author) When someone reports an issue, one thing you should find out from them is how public they're ok with you being. They may be ok with you sharing full details, they may (for their own safety, privacy, or other reasons) not be ok with you sharing anything, or they may be somewhere in between.

saagarjha 7y ago

How else do you convey the fact that what they did was not appreciated by others?

cainxinth 7y ago
“Lisa’s on the can. Go away.”
- saagarjha 7y ago
  Sorry?
  - grawprog 7y ago
    Pretty sure it's a reference to a Simpsons episode where Ralph becomes obssessed with Lisa after she gives him a valentine's card out of pity. He assumes they're dating and keeps harassing her. At one point he shows up at the house and Lisa tells homer to make up some excuse to get him to leave. The parent poster's comment was the excuse. I kind of hate that I remember that. I haven't watched the Simpsons for who knows how long but that shit's just burned into my brain from how many times I watched it as child.
leftyted 7y ago
That's what I'm asking. By mentioning "people who have complained," you're putting those people on the spot. The offender now probably knows who complained. I bring this up because I read a NYT article [0] yesterday. A highschooler was uncomfortable with the behavior of her classmates. She complained to her parents, who went to the principal. The principal dealt with it but, in the course of doing so, it became clear who had complained. This led to an even worse situation and she had to leave the school. Maybe it's unavoidable to mention that "people have complained" but I wouldn't lead with that. I think it's better for the authority figure to say "I noticed you were doing X" and take that on themselves, at least to start with. [0] https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/04/nyregion/new-jersey-antisemitism-high-school.html https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/04/nyregion/new-jersey-antis...
- saagarjha 7y ago
  I can see the problem, but from the other side if you don’t really tell them that someone complained it can seem like you’re just unilaterally taking action. You’re just asking for “well, what does so-and-so think? Surely you’re just overreacting, they seemed fine to me…”
- Zhyl 7y ago
  Another option (if possible) is to take the burden yourself. "I've seen when you've been behaving in this way and I don't feel that this is appropriate for the club". Rather than the implication of "someone has complained and I am following this through" it becomes "I, on behalf of the organisation, feel that this behaviour is inappropriate. If you're going to take an issue with that, you take it up with me first and foremost." In the case of the Higheschooler you mentioned, this is less possible due to the parents obviously being told by the daughter and obviously not being party to the grievances. In this situation your options are more limited.
  - jlokier 7y ago
    It was less possible for the parents to protect their daughter's identity, but it was eminently possible for the principal, who even went to the beach to see for himself. The photo was circulated to a large group after all. The principle had more than enough visibility on the harrassment and hostile environment, to apply discipline without identifying any particular target of hostility, and anyway it should have been treated as unacceptable behaviour regardless of whether there was anyone in particular targeted. There was certainly no need to identify the daughter, who was essentially a whistleblower. Now the school is being sued for failing to protect her identity, rightly in my view.
- leetcrew 7y ago
  "I noticed you were doing X" is a better tactic, but it depends on whether it's actually plausible that you would have noticed. if the person doubts that you "noticed" of your own accord, it reduces to the original problem.
  - 7y ago

jefftk 7y ago

(author) When someone reports an issue, one thing you should find out from them is how public they're ok with you being. They may be ok with you sharing full details, they may (for their own safety, privacy, or other reasons) not be ok with you sharing anything, or they may be somewhere in between.