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The problem is you guys are marrying the wrong person. My wife and I do everything together, including late night code sprints. Find a best friend and marry t

The problem is you guys are marrying the wrong person. My wife and I do everything together, including late night code sprints. Find a best friend and marry them when you have that feeling you had as a kid when you had to go home after a sleep over. Everyday feels like a sleepover. I'm a workaholic, but I work from home right beside my wife so we can still chat and hang out.

downerending 7y ago
You're very lucky. Unfortunately, IME it's almost impossible to tell whether someone is a right person until you've been together several years. And even more unfortunately, your perfect mate can turn into an evil menace right before your eyes. Been there.
- kjs3 7y ago
  IME it's almost impossible to tell whether someone is a right person until you've been together several years. Well...yeah. Don't get married until you've been together for several years, so you have some track record to know if they're the right person.
- s_y_n_t_a_x 7y ago
  > IME it's almost impossible to tell whether someone is a right person until you've been together several years. I disagree. My wife and I got married the year we met, engaged the first month we met. We had an instant connection of lust and similar interests. After two dates, I invited her to go overseas w/ me for two months. We knew we'd either hate or love each other by the end of it. It took 1 week for us to realize we were deeply in love. We got engaged 2 weeks later and married the same year. This was all after I had given up on finding anyone. You need to get to know yourself and what you want, then find someone that wants the same things. Straight up talk to them about the important things the first date. The important points for us were the things that had caused past relationship issues. Weed friendly, really sexual, introverted, dark humor, knows depression, same political belief, same religious belief. Yes it's good to be able to compromise, but ideally you don't want to. > And even more unfortunately, your perfect mate can turn into an evil menace right before your eyes. Been there. We know that neither of us could take that. We would kill ourselves if we didn't have each other, so propping each other up is actually propping ourselves up. Some might call that an unhealthy dependence, I call it being soulmates.
Supermancho 7y ago
I spent DECADES looking for a partner (not just a compatible female). Someone who had a similarly difficult upbringing (difficulty literally surviving it), which colors our standards for happiness or just what's "good enough" and what's qualified as beauty and peace. We are NOT similar in our professions or hobbies, but it works. We got married after 40, after dating increasingly over a decade (we knew each other for a long time) so there's that.
casion 7y ago
While I agree with this sentiment, not everyone's "right person" is someone you want always at your side.
- s_y_n_t_a_x 7y ago
  I disagree. I am an introvert and I hate socializing. I always wanted to be alone. With my wife though it's like being alone with myself because we're one person. A more social person I feel like would love the dynamic even more.
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
lulula 7y ago
Sure but your example illustrates the key point of the article, your marriage is much like a two-person island. Which is great, as long as you two each are happy and well-matched. But it becomes hell as soon as the match is unbalanced. Stresses once managed by a community are now loaded more and more on two-person islands. If everyone turns all their energy into their two-people island and leave no room to invest in community, marriage all of sudden becomes too necessary for survival. Again awesome when you're well matched but the very definition of hell if you aren't. Debatable if all that is true, but it does seem like the increasing atomization of society affects the nature of marriage.
- s_y_n_t_a_x 7y ago
  Groups are unstable IME, two person islands are a much better social dynamic and it's much easier to master 1 persons mind.
lonelappde 7y ago
Is your wife single? If not, your advice is unhelpful. How many men like to write code, and how many women do?
- s_y_n_t_a_x 7y ago
  I taught her

downerending 7y ago

You're very lucky. Unfortunately, IME it's almost impossible to tell whether someone is a right person until you've been together several years. And even more unfortunately, your perfect mate can turn into an evil menace right before your eyes. Been there.

kjs3 7y ago
IME it's almost impossible to tell whether someone is a right person until you've been together several years. Well...yeah. Don't get married until you've been together for several years, so you have some track record to know if they're the right person.
s_y_n_t_a_x 7y ago
> IME it's almost impossible to tell whether someone is a right person until you've been together several years. I disagree. My wife and I got married the year we met, engaged the first month we met. We had an instant connection of lust and similar interests. After two dates, I invited her to go overseas w/ me for two months. We knew we'd either hate or love each other by the end of it. It took 1 week for us to realize we were deeply in love. We got engaged 2 weeks later and married the same year. This was all after I had given up on finding anyone. You need to get to know yourself and what you want, then find someone that wants the same things. Straight up talk to them about the important things the first date. The important points for us were the things that had caused past relationship issues. Weed friendly, really sexual, introverted, dark humor, knows depression, same political belief, same religious belief. Yes it's good to be able to compromise, but ideally you don't want to. > And even more unfortunately, your perfect mate can turn into an evil menace right before your eyes. Been there. We know that neither of us could take that. We would kill ourselves if we didn't have each other, so propping each other up is actually propping ourselves up. Some might call that an unhealthy dependence, I call it being soulmates.

Supermancho 7y ago

I spent DECADES looking for a partner (not just a compatible female). Someone who had a similarly difficult upbringing (difficulty literally surviving it), which colors our standards for happiness or just what's "good enough" and what's qualified as beauty and peace. We are NOT similar in our professions or hobbies, but it works. We got married after 40, after dating increasingly over a decade (we knew each other for a long time) so there's that.

casion 7y ago

While I agree with this sentiment, not everyone's "right person" is someone you want always at your side.

s_y_n_t_a_x 7y ago
I disagree. I am an introvert and I hate socializing. I always wanted to be alone. With my wife though it's like being alone with myself because we're one person. A more social person I feel like would love the dynamic even more.

deleted 7y ago

[deleted]

lulula 7y ago

Sure but your example illustrates the key point of the article, your marriage is much like a two-person island. Which is great, as long as you two each are happy and well-matched. But it becomes hell as soon as the match is unbalanced. Stresses once managed by a community are now loaded more and more on two-person islands. If everyone turns all their energy into their two-people island and leave no room to invest in community, marriage all of sudden becomes too necessary for survival. Again awesome when you're well matched but the very definition of hell if you aren't. Debatable if all that is true, but it does seem like the increasing atomization of society affects the nature of marriage.

s_y_n_t_a_x 7y ago
Groups are unstable IME, two person islands are a much better social dynamic and it's much easier to master 1 persons mind.

lonelappde 7y ago

Is your wife single? If not, your advice is unhelpful. How many men like to write code, and how many women do?

s_y_n_t_a_x 7y ago
I taught her