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I think some of the advice is pretty good. Especially the bits about using questions rather than assertions to resolve conflict, and asking people for help (ask

I think some of the advice is pretty good. Especially the bits about using questions rather than assertions to resolve conflict, and asking people for help (asking somebody who doesn’t like you for help can be very disarming). But I think the root of the problem comes from caring about things you probably shouldn’t care about all that much. If somebody at work doesn’t like you for some stupid/immature/political reason, the natural reaction is to not like them back. But a better reaction is to not care. I’ve never had much trouble working with people who didn’t like me, because I’ve never been particularly bothered by it. If your work is so full of those people that you really don’t like turning up every day, then finding a different job is a better reaction than getting too wound up about it. It’s the company’s problem more than it is yours, and there not much reason to care about that either, if that’s the kind of working environment they’ve chosen to create.

BlargMcLarg 7y ago
>If your work is so full of those people that you really don’t like turning up every day, then finding a different job is a better reaction than getting too wound up about it. Honestly, I'm approaching this point myself. The problem isn't chemistry or letting go or whatever. The problem is when the other side is extremely inflexible and has a position of power over you. They get to comfortably sit in an ivory tower and tell you what's wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it. Its extremely soul-crushing and trying to fight it with their higher-ups is generally a waste of time for a myriad of reason (cargo cults, echo chambers or simply pride aka "surely this senior knows better than his subordinate!"). And 9 out of 10 times, these discussions are absolutely trivial in nature and only break the flow of the person waving at the ivory tower along with incurring the cost of switching contexts. Rarely, if ever, do I get a discussion which results into an actual new insight or actual transfer of knowledge. And at the end of the day, the company wonders why they can't keep any employees or why their workforce is burned out, yet somehow they still manage to survive despite making these poor choices. Of course, this is just personal experience and is by no means a generalization.
- AmericanChopper 7y ago
  If you can leave a situation like that, you absolutely should (unless there’s some other major benefit that would make you want to stay). > yet somehow they still manage to survive despite making these poor choices. Sometimes when you leave a company like that, you’ll get the pleasure of watching them go down in flames. But usually not. The thing to keep in mind is that all companies have an incredibly broad set of responsibilities to maintain. To be a successful company, they really only have to be actually good at a few of those things (even less to just survive). Most companies are actually quite bad at most of the things they do. So I wouldn’t get upset when you see a company with terrible practices continue to tick along. The only thing it really means is that those practices haven’t completely obstructed them from delivering whatever value they do deliver to their customers (yet). In any case. The more important thing to worry about is your own happiness.
  - BlargMcLarg 7y ago
    > To be a successful company, they really only have to be actually good at a few of those things (even less to just survive). Most companies are actually quite bad at most of the things they do Yeah, laws and the nature of the job in particular protect the company I work at really well. Specifically, no international players see reason to compete which helps their position (any American startup with an ounce of competence would steamroll our feature set within a year), as well as the customers themselves putting massive emphasis on security over quality. A case of sunken cost fallacy from the customers and first-mover advantage. > If you can leave a situation like that, you absolutely should (unless there’s some other major benefit that would make you want to stay). You're right. Case of risk-adversity kicking in and laziness, along with lack of opportunities presented, but those are personal obstacles and to a large degree, poor excuses.
matwood 7y ago
> But a better reaction is to not care. I’ve never had much trouble working with people who didn’t like me, because I’ve never been particularly bothered by it. If your work is so full of those people that you really don’t like turning up every day, then finding a different job is a better reaction than getting too wound up about it. I would think in this case some self-reflection would be useful. Not caring may cause someone to gloss over the why they are not liked by so many. Obviously not everyone will like everyone. That's just how the world works. But, if there are a large amount of people at a workplace who actively do not like someone, that person should think about why that is.
- AmericanChopper 7y ago
  Anytime somebody doesn’t like you, there’ll be some reason for it, even if it’s a bad reason or completely without merit. There’s usually something to learn in taking an interest why that is. But you can only have so much influence over what people think about you, so not being bothered by their opinions is all I’m advocating for. If somebody disliking you causes you to notice a character flaw in yourself, or an instance where you’ve legitimately wronged somebody, that is something you should care about irrespective of their opinions.

BlargMcLarg 7y ago

>If your work is so full of those people that you really don’t like turning up every day, then finding a different job is a better reaction than getting too wound up about it. Honestly, I'm approaching this point myself. The problem isn't chemistry or letting go or whatever. The problem is when the other side is extremely inflexible and has a position of power over you. They get to comfortably sit in an ivory tower and tell you what's wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it. Its extremely soul-crushing and trying to fight it with their higher-ups is generally a waste of time for a myriad of reason (cargo cults, echo chambers or simply pride aka "surely this senior knows better than his subordinate!"). And 9 out of 10 times, these discussions are absolutely trivial in nature and only break the flow of the person waving at the ivory tower along with incurring the cost of switching contexts. Rarely, if ever, do I get a discussion which results into an actual new insight or actual transfer of knowledge. And at the end of the day, the company wonders why they can't keep any employees or why their workforce is burned out, yet somehow they still manage to survive despite making these poor choices. Of course, this is just personal experience and is by no means a generalization.

AmericanChopper 7y ago
If you can leave a situation like that, you absolutely should (unless there’s some other major benefit that would make you want to stay). > yet somehow they still manage to survive despite making these poor choices. Sometimes when you leave a company like that, you’ll get the pleasure of watching them go down in flames. But usually not. The thing to keep in mind is that all companies have an incredibly broad set of responsibilities to maintain. To be a successful company, they really only have to be actually good at a few of those things (even less to just survive). Most companies are actually quite bad at most of the things they do. So I wouldn’t get upset when you see a company with terrible practices continue to tick along. The only thing it really means is that those practices haven’t completely obstructed them from delivering whatever value they do deliver to their customers (yet). In any case. The more important thing to worry about is your own happiness.
- BlargMcLarg 7y ago
  > To be a successful company, they really only have to be actually good at a few of those things (even less to just survive). Most companies are actually quite bad at most of the things they do Yeah, laws and the nature of the job in particular protect the company I work at really well. Specifically, no international players see reason to compete which helps their position (any American startup with an ounce of competence would steamroll our feature set within a year), as well as the customers themselves putting massive emphasis on security over quality. A case of sunken cost fallacy from the customers and first-mover advantage. > If you can leave a situation like that, you absolutely should (unless there’s some other major benefit that would make you want to stay). You're right. Case of risk-adversity kicking in and laziness, along with lack of opportunities presented, but those are personal obstacles and to a large degree, poor excuses.

matwood 7y ago

> But a better reaction is to not care. I’ve never had much trouble working with people who didn’t like me, because I’ve never been particularly bothered by it. If your work is so full of those people that you really don’t like turning up every day, then finding a different job is a better reaction than getting too wound up about it. I would think in this case some self-reflection would be useful. Not caring may cause someone to gloss over the why they are not liked by so many. Obviously not everyone will like everyone. That's just how the world works. But, if there are a large amount of people at a workplace who actively do not like someone, that person should think about why that is.

AmericanChopper 7y ago
Anytime somebody doesn’t like you, there’ll be some reason for it, even if it’s a bad reason or completely without merit. There’s usually something to learn in taking an interest why that is. But you can only have so much influence over what people think about you, so not being bothered by their opinions is all I’m advocating for. If somebody disliking you causes you to notice a character flaw in yourself, or an instance where you’ve legitimately wronged somebody, that is something you should care about irrespective of their opinions.