6 ms·

I would group it all into one tip: Make an effort with your relationship. Like everything good in life it takes work to have a good relationship. If you make

• roc 16y ago
  I wouldn't stop there. In my experience, people who nag believe themselves to be "making an effort". Indeed, they think they're doing the right thing. Willingness to put in the effort is a good first start, but it's not enough. Many people clearly don't understand why certain things do or don't work. And there's as much to be learned from study and experience in the right way to work at a relationship as there is in anything else.
  • hartror 16y ago
    I guess I simplified it a little to far. "Making an effort" also involves continually examining your own behavior, testing if it is constructive and helping the situation. This sort of self examination is a very useful tool and can be applied in all facets of life, social and career.
    • khafra 16y ago
      "Make a DIY Science effort[1]" might have worked. [1] http://lesswrong.com/lw/3wh/science_do_it_yourself/ http://lesswrong.com/lw/3wh/science_do_it_yourself/
  • Dylanlacey 16y ago
    That's a good insite. I guess nagging is often somewhere that the maxim about doing shit (OK, less of a maxim, more of a statement: If shit needs doing... do it) needs to be applied. If you've not gone to the point of setting up areas of responsibility and some means of ensuring things get done, your choices are either do it yourself or nag about it. I think the tendency is often towards the latter, when it should be the former.
• sp332 16y ago
  "Making an effort" might encourage people to talk more during the worst times (like right after work).
  • hartror 16y ago
    Making an effort means thinking about your relationship, if that means thinking about it and deciding to put a problem aside for a better time, that is still making an effort.
• yummyfajitas 16y ago
  This works well for women, not so well for men. For men, typically making a visible effort will cause your spouse to perceive you as weak and low value. This will only make things worse.
  • jedsmith 16y ago
    [citation needed]
    • _h4xr 16y ago
      I recommend The Red Queen if you want to start learning about this. The short answer: men largely choose mates based on looks; women choose based more on social status. Signalling low social status reduces male attractiveness; signalling high social status raises it. n = 1, but this has worked for me. Deliberately act like you can take it or leave it, and you're unlikely to be left. (And note that women initiate the majority of breakups and divorces, so you're not risking much if you risk a breakup.)
      • deleted 16y ago
        [deleted]
        • _h4xr 16y ago
          I know. I often fear a nightmarish reality in which women spend minutes or even hours per day carefully disguising natural facial features, odors, and hair--or even exercising at a gym--just so they can manipulate men into wanting to be with them. I pity the guys who get suckered into preferring women who engage in such behaviors. It's almost as bad as men altering their behavior to be more attractive to women. Empirically, prior girlfriends have been unimpressed with my slavish devotion to their every-moment's well-being. My current girlfriend is much more devoted, and much more enthusiastic. I am fairly overt about this. I told her to read The Red Queen after our first date. And I don't lie about this. But when I'm asking myself what's better for the relationship, and what's going to make the person I'm with happier, I have to take into account that my behavior affects her happiness indirectly, too. You'd have to be a real jerk to make her date a nebbish.
• rikthevik 16y ago
  I would add to this: Stop and think about your relationship. Put your effort into things that are worthwhile. I've caught myself many times putting my energy into the aspects of our relationship that don't matter, while missing big big things because I thought I had the whole thing covered.