4 ms·

After going sober, how did you deal with social situations where either other people were moderately drinking or you were expected to be gregarious?

dranktoomuch 7y ago
Great question, the first year my sponsor said "avoid those events or have an escape plan" avoiding was a non starter so the "escape plan" was I committed to leave, akwardly as it may be, before i picked up a drink. aka if someobdy was pressuring me to drink to the point i felt i had to i would say "ok get me a beer i have to go to the bathroom" and then disappear and blame it on an upset stomach and believe the truth that unless you take somebody else's drink away from them or ask them to stop drinking nobody cares if you have a beer or a coke in your hand After the first year I learned that caffiene has a similar effect on me in social situations if i need to ramp up and can be just as engaging / moreso
- throwaway287391 7y ago
  > avoiding was a non starter so the "escape plan" was I committed to leave, akwardly as it may be, before i picked up a drink. > aka if someobdy was pressuring me to drink to the point i felt i had to i would say "ok get me a beer i have to go to the bathroom" and then disappear and blame it on an upset stomach I hope this doesn't come across as rude, but I don't understand -- why was pretending to get sick easier than telling the truth -- "I can't, I've quit drinking", or a softened version, "I'm not drinking tonight", etc.? Or did you start off with that and they'd continue to pressure you? I don't think I know anyone who'd be that much of an a-hole, unless they were already very drunk themselves.
  - dpark 7y ago
    Some people don’t want to publicly embrace the label “alcoholic” and all the social stigma it comes with. If you openly tell people that you “quit drinking” they will likely either assume alcoholism or openly ask you why. They are not likely to assume you just decided you don’t like the taste, so now you’ve got the label. If instead you tell people you aren’t “drinking tonight”, you will absolutely get pressure to drink, because “drinking is fun”, and you don’t have a “real reason not to drink”. I’ve seen it many times and I’m ashamed to say that I’ve participated before as well, not because it was my intent to actually pressure someone to drink, but because it was “good natured teasing”. If I had a friend who loved steak and he suddenly ordered a salad at the steakhouse, I’d similarly be tempted to tease him about his dinner choice, even though I don’t actually care if he had steak, or wine, or whatever. I’ve since recognized that this behavior is not healthy and tried to weed it out of myself, but it’s very common. This is by the way, why vegans complain about people teasing them or judging them about their food choices. With very few exceptions, it’s probably not malicious. It’s just people being stupid and not realizing the impact they’re having on others. In some cases, this can be just annoying. In others, this can be truly problematic.
    - yesenadam 7y ago
      >This is by the way, why vegans complain about people teasing them or judging them about their food choices. With very few exceptions, it’s probably not malicious. It’s just people being stupid and not realizing the impact they’re having on others. It could be that people feel judged, criticized by someone who doesn't drink alcohol/eat meat. That person seems to be setting themselves up as better than others, or more ethical, or with better habits. And they spoil the vibe and camaraderie. People feel attacked and feel justified in striking back, or release that psychological tension with jokes that only seem funny to those with the tension.
      - dpark 7y ago
        Sure. That’s doubtless also a factor for some.
  - exotree 7y ago
    In many rooms that kind of honesty can easily be interpreted as weakness. And it’s not so much what they say to you in the moment (we all have to keep up our pretenses)... it’s what they say when you’re out of the room. Is it fair? Nope. But that’s how it works in certain social settings.
    - torgian 7y ago
      Everyone likes an honest person until they meet an honest person. Lol. I wish people didn’t have to feel pressure to hide behind platitudes and white lies just to be socially acceptable.
  - ncallaway 7y ago
    > Or did you start off with that and they'd continue to pressure you? I'm not an alcoholic myself, but I drink _very_ rarely so I'm often in a similar boat. If you say "I'm not drinking" or "I don't drink" a very common follow up question is: "oh? why?" For me, I've always been able to shrug my shoulders and say: "I dunno, just never felt like it". But I could _very_ easily see a recovering alcoholic feeling like they're in a very awkward position once that question comes up. The last 20 seconds or so of this clip of Jim Gaffigan rings pretty true to me: http://www.cc.com/video-clips/fq3bvp/comedy-central-presents-people-who-don-t-drink http://www.cc.com/video-clips/fq3bvp/comedy-central-presents...
  - PopeDotNinja 7y ago
    Because someone who is pushing alcohol on you is not thinking about you. They are thinking about about how they want you to have alcohol, which has nothing to do with you. You do not owe them an explanation about why their plan for you doesn't work for you. To look at it another way, it easier to explain things to someone who is trying to listen.
  - matwood 7y ago
    A lot of times it's just an uncomfortable question to answer, even more so for someone who is already a bit socially awkward. I've never had a problem with alcohol, but routinely go through periods where I just abstain for various reasons. And in those periods I get all the questions about why I'm not drinking. It's just boring to answer them over and over. And to be clear, no one is being a jerk about it, just more of a curiosity. Many people can't imagine not drinking, so it's a surprise. As an aside, a trick I use to control the number of drinks in a business situation is to order liquor neat. I can sip a scotch for an entire meal while other people drink multiple beers or mixed drinks. Don't order something that's easy to drink.
cityzen 7y ago
I quit drinking 12 years ago but made it a point to carry on with my day to day life and not avoid situations. If I'm in a situation where people are moderately drinking, I ... don't drink. If people ask me why I don't drink, I ask them why they do drink. At the end of the day, whether I'm getting shitfaced or not drinking at all is my business. I have had a few people make a big deal about it and I just tell them they're being an asshole and they must be really insecure if making a big deal about me NOT drinking is all they're focused on. If you have social anxiety, talk to a therapist. My drinking got out of control from a cycle having anxiety which was relieved by drinking which would cause anxiety. Life is pretty boring in the beginning when you quit. You start to realize how much of your social life is dictated by drinking and how much time and money you spend on it.
- CapricornNoble 7y ago
  11 years sober here. I think my experience mirrors yours, especially how peoples' questions about OUR lack of alcohol are masking their own insecurities about THEIR alcohol consumption. Spending most of my adult life in two alcohol-heavy communities (the military and Japan), I see it all the time, but I try not to throw it back in their faces.

dranktoomuch 7y ago

Great question, the first year my sponsor said "avoid those events or have an escape plan" avoiding was a non starter so the "escape plan" was I committed to leave, akwardly as it may be, before i picked up a drink. aka if someobdy was pressuring me to drink to the point i felt i had to i would say "ok get me a beer i have to go to the bathroom" and then disappear and blame it on an upset stomach and believe the truth that unless you take somebody else's drink away from them or ask them to stop drinking nobody cares if you have a beer or a coke in your hand After the first year I learned that caffiene has a similar effect on me in social situations if i need to ramp up and can be just as engaging / moreso

throwaway287391 7y ago
> avoiding was a non starter so the "escape plan" was I committed to leave, akwardly as it may be, before i picked up a drink. > aka if someobdy was pressuring me to drink to the point i felt i had to i would say "ok get me a beer i have to go to the bathroom" and then disappear and blame it on an upset stomach I hope this doesn't come across as rude, but I don't understand -- why was pretending to get sick easier than telling the truth -- "I can't, I've quit drinking", or a softened version, "I'm not drinking tonight", etc.? Or did you start off with that and they'd continue to pressure you? I don't think I know anyone who'd be that much of an a-hole, unless they were already very drunk themselves.
- dpark 7y ago
  Some people don’t want to publicly embrace the label “alcoholic” and all the social stigma it comes with. If you openly tell people that you “quit drinking” they will likely either assume alcoholism or openly ask you why. They are not likely to assume you just decided you don’t like the taste, so now you’ve got the label. If instead you tell people you aren’t “drinking tonight”, you will absolutely get pressure to drink, because “drinking is fun”, and you don’t have a “real reason not to drink”. I’ve seen it many times and I’m ashamed to say that I’ve participated before as well, not because it was my intent to actually pressure someone to drink, but because it was “good natured teasing”. If I had a friend who loved steak and he suddenly ordered a salad at the steakhouse, I’d similarly be tempted to tease him about his dinner choice, even though I don’t actually care if he had steak, or wine, or whatever. I’ve since recognized that this behavior is not healthy and tried to weed it out of myself, but it’s very common. This is by the way, why vegans complain about people teasing them or judging them about their food choices. With very few exceptions, it’s probably not malicious. It’s just people being stupid and not realizing the impact they’re having on others. In some cases, this can be just annoying. In others, this can be truly problematic.
  - yesenadam 7y ago
    >This is by the way, why vegans complain about people teasing them or judging them about their food choices. With very few exceptions, it’s probably not malicious. It’s just people being stupid and not realizing the impact they’re having on others. It could be that people feel judged, criticized by someone who doesn't drink alcohol/eat meat. That person seems to be setting themselves up as better than others, or more ethical, or with better habits. And they spoil the vibe and camaraderie. People feel attacked and feel justified in striking back, or release that psychological tension with jokes that only seem funny to those with the tension.
    - dpark 7y ago
      Sure. That’s doubtless also a factor for some.
- exotree 7y ago
  In many rooms that kind of honesty can easily be interpreted as weakness. And it’s not so much what they say to you in the moment (we all have to keep up our pretenses)... it’s what they say when you’re out of the room. Is it fair? Nope. But that’s how it works in certain social settings.
  - torgian 7y ago
    Everyone likes an honest person until they meet an honest person. Lol. I wish people didn’t have to feel pressure to hide behind platitudes and white lies just to be socially acceptable.
- ncallaway 7y ago
  > Or did you start off with that and they'd continue to pressure you? I'm not an alcoholic myself, but I drink _very_ rarely so I'm often in a similar boat. If you say "I'm not drinking" or "I don't drink" a very common follow up question is: "oh? why?" For me, I've always been able to shrug my shoulders and say: "I dunno, just never felt like it". But I could _very_ easily see a recovering alcoholic feeling like they're in a very awkward position once that question comes up. The last 20 seconds or so of this clip of Jim Gaffigan rings pretty true to me: http://www.cc.com/video-clips/fq3bvp/comedy-central-presents-people-who-don-t-drink http://www.cc.com/video-clips/fq3bvp/comedy-central-presents...
- PopeDotNinja 7y ago
  Because someone who is pushing alcohol on you is not thinking about you. They are thinking about about how they want you to have alcohol, which has nothing to do with you. You do not owe them an explanation about why their plan for you doesn't work for you. To look at it another way, it easier to explain things to someone who is trying to listen.
- matwood 7y ago
  A lot of times it's just an uncomfortable question to answer, even more so for someone who is already a bit socially awkward. I've never had a problem with alcohol, but routinely go through periods where I just abstain for various reasons. And in those periods I get all the questions about why I'm not drinking. It's just boring to answer them over and over. And to be clear, no one is being a jerk about it, just more of a curiosity. Many people can't imagine not drinking, so it's a surprise. As an aside, a trick I use to control the number of drinks in a business situation is to order liquor neat. I can sip a scotch for an entire meal while other people drink multiple beers or mixed drinks. Don't order something that's easy to drink.

cityzen 7y ago

I quit drinking 12 years ago but made it a point to carry on with my day to day life and not avoid situations. If I'm in a situation where people are moderately drinking, I ... don't drink. If people ask me why I don't drink, I ask them why they do drink. At the end of the day, whether I'm getting shitfaced or not drinking at all is my business. I have had a few people make a big deal about it and I just tell them they're being an asshole and they must be really insecure if making a big deal about me NOT drinking is all they're focused on. If you have social anxiety, talk to a therapist. My drinking got out of control from a cycle having anxiety which was relieved by drinking which would cause anxiety. Life is pretty boring in the beginning when you quit. You start to realize how much of your social life is dictated by drinking and how much time and money you spend on it.

CapricornNoble 7y ago
11 years sober here. I think my experience mirrors yours, especially how peoples' questions about OUR lack of alcohol are masking their own insecurities about THEIR alcohol consumption. Spending most of my adult life in two alcohol-heavy communities (the military and Japan), I see it all the time, but I try not to throw it back in their faces.