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>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does

>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share. This is the part that I've been stuck at for years. And I imagine other technical people hit this roadblock as well. Being able to talk with people when you have little in the way of common interests is a skill in and of its itself. Finding intimate relationships becomes particularly difficult when you can't achieve the inspiration since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code, or tech, or any of the things HN types tend to dedicate our lives to. I don't think any of these self help references can really solve this problem, short of advising one to be "more open", which really means force interest in uninteresting topics.

aprdm 7y ago
I know it is different for everyone and this is a side thread but I felt that for a while I was just trying to follow money and my career was about tech giving me money no matter where. I always enjoyed tech but couldn't connect to the businesses in a bigger level than it is a job and I want it to succeed. I then ended up in visual effects for big projects and it is incredible how excited / passionate I am about it despite the tech. The tech is just a means to solve issues in an efficient way so that the movies can happen but... The creative process, the digital artists, the work they do and the lives these creations touch is truly incredible. They are all so passionate as well. An artist told me the story on how some mother had hers autistic children talking for the first time with a digital creature he created. He always tears up on this story and how his digital creature gave emotions to this mom. I don't pursue money anymore, in fact I have declined interviews with companies saying they would double my salary. There's more to life than money and tech for tech's sake.
groby_b 7y ago
"since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code, or tech, or any of the things HN types tend to dedicate our lives to" This is an open invitation to you to ask questions. "What are you really fascinated by? Do you have a thing that you dedicated all your free time to?" And as for talking about code, don't talk about code - talk about why it's fascinating to you. What do you see there that makes it this spectacular thing? And don't see it as "finding intimate partners", but "finding interesting people". If you're both interesting to each other, there's a much better chance of intimacy. (But still far from guaranteed) It's not guaranteed to succeed, but "tell me about you" is a pretty good invitation, and "tell me about what motivates you" is good inspiration. (And, as a side bar: It's worth finding one or two things outside code. Not to be more interesting, but because having a single focus is a good way towards burnout some years later)
kempbellt 7y ago
> since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code This may reflect your subjective experience, but I have had a different experience and would (kindly) give you the heads up that this is a borderline sexist generalization. I've met women in the industry that are just as capable as nerding out over new tech as I am - even if it hasn't been very common (in my experience).
- babadabada 7y ago
  I'm a young woman in tech. I am happy to confirm that "since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code" is in fact some sexist bullshit.
  - drno_ 7y ago
    While most people are not programmers, most programmers are not women. It's a subset of a subset, seems pretty accurate. It's worth noting though that most men aren't interested in discussing programming either. People in our field are few and far between :(
  - magashna 7y ago
    > most young women I dare you to go to an average bar or club and try to talk about code with most young women. It's not happening. Most people don't code, and most coders are male.
    - crustacean 7y ago
      But why talk shop on a date at all though? - A shared niche interest is not sufficient basis for a good relationship. - I’m a woman in tech and I don’t necessarily wanna talk code on a first or second date, I’ve got professional development figured out on my own time.
      - magashna 7y ago
        The presumption was that it's sexist to assume you can't talk code with young women. I don't want to talk code with anyone 99% of my off time. But to say the reasoning is sexist is untrue.
babadabada 7y ago
I feel like this is an obvious answer, but everyone has things in common with everyone. Maybe you have a different job, different hobbies, or watch different TV shows, but those are not the only topics of conversation that exist. You live in the same city - talk about the neighborhood you live in and what you like about it. You grew up in different places - ask about that. The weather has been shit recently - complain about that together. Do they have pets? Do they have kids? Are they big cooks or love a certain type of food? What is there family like? And you can talk about things that you don’t have in common too. You can still talk to someone who knows nothing about tech about your job or personal project. Talking about your job or code at a high enough level that anyone could understand is a great skill - hone it! And are you showing an interest in their job and hobbies that aren’t tech-related? Conversation is a two-way street and you can (and should) ask them about their jobs and try to be interested and listen even if what their passionate about isn’t what you are passionate about. SO many people I know in the tech community talk about how hard it is talking with people outside of the tech community because those people aren’t into tech. Let me tell you me and my boyfriend are both software engineers and have a big interest in tech outside of work. We spend almost none of our time together talking about tech.
bo1024 7y ago
> force interest in uninteresting topics It does take effort, but open-mindedness here could pay off. Lots of topics may look boring on the surface, but when you really ask someone who's into them, they can drill down into a million subtle complexities. It could be Nascar or baking or romance novels or whatever. Sounds super boring to me, but if someone is passionate about them, I can ask questions and be curious and it's often a really interesting conversation. So I just would avoid dividing the world into "interesting = my life/hobbies, uninteresting = other" and starting from the standpoint that tons of topics are interesting once you dig in, and being determined to find out why the other person finds this topic interesting. Hope this helps.
Dumblydorr 7y ago
There are many other topics besides your job, which most lovers won't share with their SO anyway. Talk about music, history, science, outdoors, travel, there are literally thousands of engaging conversation topics on all manner of experiences. We could talk also about childhood, friendships, space, time, the afterlife, and crazy hypotheticals, not just Earthly, humanities type subjects. Another strategy I sometimes use is to pick a letter, then discuss something beginning with that letter. That or just be zany and come up with random hypotheticals.
criddell 7y ago
> I don't think any of these self help references can really solve this problem, short of advising one to be "more open", which really means force interest in uninteresting topics. It isn't all about you. Are there any topics that are uninteresting when it's something that's of interest to a person you care about? The answer may be yes and that's fine. In that case if you care about that person you are still going to want to encourage and support their pursuit of that interest. Diversity of interest is a healthy thing. I've found that just about anything is pretty interesting once you peel back the surface and try to understand how it works.
mehagar 7y ago
At a surface level it may seem that others don't share the same common interests as me. Underlying their differing interests, however, are feelings and needs that all humans share in common. I try to connect to those underlying feelings and needs when talking. For instance, I'll ask what they enjoy about a particular activity, or if it gives them a sense of fulfillment, etc.
mcguire 7y ago
It doesn't really help that "HN types" are (a) largely uninterested in much of anything other than "code or tech" and (b) mostly regard anything that they are not interested in as completely unimportant and unworthy of any time that might be wasted on it (the "sportsball" effect). (Regarding the discussion of sexism below, does the shoe feel any better on the other foot?)
idealstingray 7y ago
Do you have any hobbies outside of tech? You could try talking about those. If not, just about everyone listens to music, so "what kind of music do you listen to?" is a decent opening question that might take you somewhere interesting. If you're having trouble finding an interest in something your conversation partner is talking about, try asking them what they like about it -- it could help you find the topic more interesting.
lordgrenville 7y ago
I think the assumption that it's OK to only want to talk about your own interests is incorrect. Besides for the value of developing a wider range of interests yourself, it's really worth learning how to talk to others about things they're passionate about but you're not. If it excites them, there must be something in it worth appreciating. Say for example you're talking to a woman who's really interested in fashion, beauty and makeup. (Sorry to double down on the gender stereotyping, I just wanted an extreme example.) Without knowing anything about it, here are some things off the top of my head you could ask her: - How did you get interested in it? - How big is the global industry? Would you be interested in working in it, maybe starting your own brand? - How do you keep up with things? Instagram? Blogs? - If I wanted to learn the basics how long would it take me? - Is personal style inherent or learned? And the same applies with woodworking or snowboarding or rugby or knitting or anime or cooking or kabuki or classical guitar or pets or anything you can think of. Siloing yourself among people with common interests is so wasteful when you could open up to the great variety of the world.

aprdm 7y ago

I know it is different for everyone and this is a side thread but I felt that for a while I was just trying to follow money and my career was about tech giving me money no matter where. I always enjoyed tech but couldn't connect to the businesses in a bigger level than it is a job and I want it to succeed. I then ended up in visual effects for big projects and it is incredible how excited / passionate I am about it despite the tech. The tech is just a means to solve issues in an efficient way so that the movies can happen but... The creative process, the digital artists, the work they do and the lives these creations touch is truly incredible. They are all so passionate as well. An artist told me the story on how some mother had hers autistic children talking for the first time with a digital creature he created. He always tears up on this story and how his digital creature gave emotions to this mom. I don't pursue money anymore, in fact I have declined interviews with companies saying they would double my salary. There's more to life than money and tech for tech's sake.

groby_b 7y ago

"since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code, or tech, or any of the things HN types tend to dedicate our lives to" This is an open invitation to you to ask questions. "What are you really fascinated by? Do you have a thing that you dedicated all your free time to?" And as for talking about code, don't talk about code - talk about why it's fascinating to you. What do you see there that makes it this spectacular thing? And don't see it as "finding intimate partners", but "finding interesting people". If you're both interesting to each other, there's a much better chance of intimacy. (But still far from guaranteed) It's not guaranteed to succeed, but "tell me about you" is a pretty good invitation, and "tell me about what motivates you" is good inspiration. (And, as a side bar: It's worth finding one or two things outside code. Not to be more interesting, but because having a single focus is a good way towards burnout some years later)

kempbellt 7y ago

> since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code This may reflect your subjective experience, but I have had a different experience and would (kindly) give you the heads up that this is a borderline sexist generalization. I've met women in the industry that are just as capable as nerding out over new tech as I am - even if it hasn't been very common (in my experience).

babadabada 7y ago
I'm a young woman in tech. I am happy to confirm that "since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code" is in fact some sexist bullshit.
- drno_ 7y ago
  While most people are not programmers, most programmers are not women. It's a subset of a subset, seems pretty accurate. It's worth noting though that most men aren't interested in discussing programming either. People in our field are few and far between :(
- magashna 7y ago
  > most young women I dare you to go to an average bar or club and try to talk about code with most young women. It's not happening. Most people don't code, and most coders are male.
  - crustacean 7y ago
    But why talk shop on a date at all though? - A shared niche interest is not sufficient basis for a good relationship. - I’m a woman in tech and I don’t necessarily wanna talk code on a first or second date, I’ve got professional development figured out on my own time.
    - magashna 7y ago
      The presumption was that it's sexist to assume you can't talk code with young women. I don't want to talk code with anyone 99% of my off time. But to say the reasoning is sexist is untrue.

babadabada 7y ago

I feel like this is an obvious answer, but everyone has things in common with everyone. Maybe you have a different job, different hobbies, or watch different TV shows, but those are not the only topics of conversation that exist. You live in the same city - talk about the neighborhood you live in and what you like about it. You grew up in different places - ask about that. The weather has been shit recently - complain about that together. Do they have pets? Do they have kids? Are they big cooks or love a certain type of food? What is there family like? And you can talk about things that you don’t have in common too. You can still talk to someone who knows nothing about tech about your job or personal project. Talking about your job or code at a high enough level that anyone could understand is a great skill - hone it! And are you showing an interest in their job and hobbies that aren’t tech-related? Conversation is a two-way street and you can (and should) ask them about their jobs and try to be interested and listen even if what their passionate about isn’t what you are passionate about. SO many people I know in the tech community talk about how hard it is talking with people outside of the tech community because those people aren’t into tech. Let me tell you me and my boyfriend are both software engineers and have a big interest in tech outside of work. We spend almost none of our time together talking about tech.

bo1024 7y ago

> force interest in uninteresting topics It does take effort, but open-mindedness here could pay off. Lots of topics may look boring on the surface, but when you really ask someone who's into them, they can drill down into a million subtle complexities. It could be Nascar or baking or romance novels or whatever. Sounds super boring to me, but if someone is passionate about them, I can ask questions and be curious and it's often a really interesting conversation. So I just would avoid dividing the world into "interesting = my life/hobbies, uninteresting = other" and starting from the standpoint that tons of topics are interesting once you dig in, and being determined to find out why the other person finds this topic interesting. Hope this helps.

Dumblydorr 7y ago

There are many other topics besides your job, which most lovers won't share with their SO anyway. Talk about music, history, science, outdoors, travel, there are literally thousands of engaging conversation topics on all manner of experiences. We could talk also about childhood, friendships, space, time, the afterlife, and crazy hypotheticals, not just Earthly, humanities type subjects. Another strategy I sometimes use is to pick a letter, then discuss something beginning with that letter. That or just be zany and come up with random hypotheticals.

criddell 7y ago

> I don't think any of these self help references can really solve this problem, short of advising one to be "more open", which really means force interest in uninteresting topics. It isn't all about you. Are there any topics that are uninteresting when it's something that's of interest to a person you care about? The answer may be yes and that's fine. In that case if you care about that person you are still going to want to encourage and support their pursuit of that interest. Diversity of interest is a healthy thing. I've found that just about anything is pretty interesting once you peel back the surface and try to understand how it works.

mehagar 7y ago

At a surface level it may seem that others don't share the same common interests as me. Underlying their differing interests, however, are feelings and needs that all humans share in common. I try to connect to those underlying feelings and needs when talking. For instance, I'll ask what they enjoy about a particular activity, or if it gives them a sense of fulfillment, etc.

mcguire 7y ago

It doesn't really help that "HN types" are (a) largely uninterested in much of anything other than "code or tech" and (b) mostly regard anything that they are not interested in as completely unimportant and unworthy of any time that might be wasted on it (the "sportsball" effect). (Regarding the discussion of sexism below, does the shoe feel any better on the other foot?)

idealstingray 7y ago

Do you have any hobbies outside of tech? You could try talking about those. If not, just about everyone listens to music, so "what kind of music do you listen to?" is a decent opening question that might take you somewhere interesting. If you're having trouble finding an interest in something your conversation partner is talking about, try asking them what they like about it -- it could help you find the topic more interesting.

lordgrenville 7y ago

I think the assumption that it's OK to only want to talk about your own interests is incorrect. Besides for the value of developing a wider range of interests yourself, it's really worth learning how to talk to others about things they're passionate about but you're not. If it excites them, there must be something in it worth appreciating. Say for example you're talking to a woman who's really interested in fashion, beauty and makeup. (Sorry to double down on the gender stereotyping, I just wanted an extreme example.) Without knowing anything about it, here are some things off the top of my head you could ask her: - How did you get interested in it? - How big is the global industry? Would you be interested in working in it, maybe starting your own brand? - How do you keep up with things? Instagram? Blogs? - If I wanted to learn the basics how long would it take me? - Is personal style inherent or learned? And the same applies with woodworking or snowboarding or rugby or knitting or anime or cooking or kabuki or classical guitar or pets or anything you can think of. Siloing yourself among people with common interests is so wasteful when you could open up to the great variety of the world.