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Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having ecle

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them. I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype or netflix-watcher or chronic-substance-abuser or extremely-self-improving-gogetter. Work is okay most of the time, as long as it's about work. The environment is pretty lack and understanding. Having a non-work conversation is sometimes impossible because there's barely overlap, depending on the person. Basically, it's just existential dread. That I have nothing to look forward to but more of the same of this, and the few people I have contact with disappear in one way or the other. Sometimes I ask, why bother?

canardlaquay 7y ago
You clearly bother yourself WAY too much with what other people are thinking. Believe me, you'd be better off pursuing what you truly love instead of trying to fit into what you think is 'normality'.
- toyg 7y ago
  https://youtu.be/PHSaEPVSVEE https://youtu.be/PHSaEPVSVEE
- ropiwqefjnpoa 7y ago
  Yes and no, being able to share your interests with others is deeply rewarding. It often enhances our enjoyment as opposed to doing it all alone.
  - shandor 7y ago
    Nowadays there's no lack of enthusiasts even in the smallest of niches. Just follow your passion and do what you enjoy, the others will be there. Much easier than trying to enjoy things you don't like, and building your social circles around that. Of course even then you need to be active at least to the point of finding the others out there, but I'd still contest it to be the easier way.
    - batty_alex 7y ago
      This is true, but it's also nice to have that support circle be folks you can interact with face-to-face. It's so much better. Not that online communities aren't also great. For some reason, not having someone else look you in the eyes with a similar amount of excitement just isn't the same.
      - shandor 7y ago
        Oh, I was also speaking of "live" socializing instead of online, and agree completely with you. I was just voicing my encouraging experience that even small-to-mid sized cities seem to have a surprising amount of enthusiasts for almost any given interest.
MGGJFU 7y ago
That's surprising. I think software engineering is one of the cooler professions now, perception wise. Embrace it and don't be afraid to be nerdy.
- non-entity 7y ago
  It's a lot cooler now, it seems because of the money + media exposure. There are still some old and new negative stereotypes, particularly against CS students
  - GaryNumanVevo 7y ago
    One of my friends recently took a job at Apple for less pay, and for a team she didn't like over a job at another company. She complains to me all the time about working there, while posting selfies and stuff at the campus. I don't understand why people do this.
- heliodor 7y ago
  "Cool" is a vague term. Pick some clearer labels against which to evaluate and you'll be able to have clearer answers.
Phlarp 7y ago
You should not feel social pressure over having traditionally "nerdy" interests. 10's of millions of people have played WoW over it's 15 year run and I suspect a large number of software engineers that were exposed to the original game as teenagers are enjoying playing classic now. You shouldn't feel like you need to beat yourself up for not having some version of "normative" interests or not aligning with what you see others doing. Finally, always keep in mind that people are generally far too worried about their own lives to dissect yours. You say you feel discomfort telling people you are a software engineer? Have you ever considered that the sports fans and netflix watchers first reaction to hearing that might be "damn, I wish I had my shit together enough to learn a valuable professional skill like satokema has"
- redisman 7y ago
  Isn't "nerdy" interests just mainstream entertainment these days? Last I checked all the blockbusters are based on comic books and video games are the most popular form of entertainment.
  - Phlarp 7y ago
    Yes. Nerd became "cool" sometime in the late 2000's
thanatropism 7y ago
We should know how old you are. What can be said to comfort someone's existential angst truly differs at 18, 28 and 38.
losthobbies 7y ago
You should try the book Own your Weird.
lallysingh 7y ago
> I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype or netflix-watcher or chronic-substance-abuser or extremely-self-improving-gogetter. I think you just need to find more interesting people to talk to. It's them, not you. Reminds me of a quote I found helpful: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
- bluesroo 7y ago
  Quotes like that can be interesting because there's a opposing one: "If everywhere you go smells like shit, you should check under your own shoe".
- tcbasche 7y ago
  That quote is fantastic, and very true in my limited anecdotal experience
hliyan 7y ago
> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Oddly enough, I recently found myself saying something to this effect, in a meeting: "I'm an engineer, a professional. I like to take pride in my work. I look at doctors (or civil engineers) at my age and wonder about the level of respect they enjoy and how they approach their profession. How did we get to a point where we (generalizing here) got to a point where we both behave, and are treated as borderline-savants who must be tolerated out of sheer necessity?"
- Fellshard 7y ago
  The collapse of American education might have something to do with this.
  - tcbasche 7y ago
    Australian here; it's the same here. "Oh Software Engineer..." cue vacant look
    - jimmux 7y ago
      Yep, it's a bit frustrating. I often talk to people in careers I know nothing about, so I ask questions. Then you have a conversation going. Sometimes it feels like people are afraid to be curious about software engineering, lest they get infected with nerdiness.
      - Fellshard 7y ago
        I find the same preemptive assumption from many people that they are incapable of understanding mathematics. The usual statement is: "I'm not a math person." This alone tells me how criminally warped their view on academics and mathematics must have been shaped, and how rotten we are at teaching concepts in a way multiple subsets of the classroom can learn at once.
- jart 7y ago
  Doctors and lawyers are in a position where folks need to go to them to obtain indispensable services that only they are legally entitled to provide. As coders we're part of the working class like everyone else. Maybe with some bonus perks like free food. Everyday people aren't required to respect us, because we don't have any real power over their lives. We just show up to our jobs in a distant office and build stuff to make life better for people in general.
heliodor 7y ago
As the other comment says, you concern yourself with the opinion of others too much. While you're at it, you're choosing the modern-average crowd of people who do nothing interesting with their personal lives. Sports fans, movies, bars? Come on! Easy first step: pick an individual sport and stick with it for a year. Check out your local bouldering gym or get into tennis, for example. Both of those have above-average, healthy, driven, interesting people.
teppifk 7y ago
> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life. > I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. It's not any different when an electrician, lawyer or a doctor wants to talk shop. Most people you will interact with don't have the same interests as you. > I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype Virtually no one fits cleanly into stereotypes. Stereotypes are useful for generalizing groups, not individuals. "Sportsfanning" is highly correlated with a rich social life, but you are confusing cause and effect. > That I have nothing to look forward to but more of the same of this, and the few people I have contact with disappear in one way or the other. Sometimes I ask, why bother? All of the rationalization about software engineering, "nerdy" interests is leading you astray. None of those are barriers to a fulfilling social life. Your social life issues are due to any number of problems. It could be depression, anxiety, it could be poor social skills. It is possible (maybe less likely) that you have little interest in deep social connections, but you have to evaluate carefully whether you are really unhappy with just a small online circle, or are you just worried because you appear away from the norm. In any event I encourage you to think deeply about your situation. If you want to change anything, quitting software engineering won't help. It will most likely require a great deal of struggle. Depression and anxiety are not easily shaken off. Learning social skills like most things is harder later in life. I can assure you people in your position have improved, but only after taking stock of what is holding them back and seeking appropriate assistance.
- deleted 7y ago
  [deleted]
- Jenz 7y ago
  > it could be poor social skills. Is this an area where you can improve? My social skills are abyssmally non-existant... I am in a suprisingly similar situation to satokemas, all but the fact that I do not ever doubt "why bother" (I love the world) and I go to high school— I don’t work, that is. I’ve been alone for two years in school now, although I just recently got one friend that is very understanding, though I guess I’ll still be alone almost all the time, this last year of school. This is sad, I don’t like things being sad. Therefore I want to do something about it...
sixothree 7y ago
I hate that I love my work and the software I create more than anything else in my life.
- Qworg 7y ago
  Why do you hate it? I've found that we all fall along a continuum of "work is life" and "work is what I do to live" - if you're at an edge of that, it isn't inherently bad.
  - sixothree 7y ago
    Thank you. It feels like it comes at the expense of other things.
mettamage 7y ago
Your issues seem to mirror mine. This is one of the reasons why I don't only occupy myself with being a software engineer. I like quite a lot of things fortunately, but I'm sure that if I had this less, I'd have been a better software engineer since I'd have more grit to succeed in my projects.
Bootwizard 7y ago
I used to work in a place where I was surrounded by these "normies" for a lack of a better term. I had absolutely nothing in common with any of my coworkers. Maybe one of them because we both enjoyed expensive coffee, but that was superficial at best. I was miserable for the year and a half I was there, and I found a new job where everyone is a nerd. I love every single minute of my "work" day. Your environment can poison your self image, so leave and find somewhere that suits you better. Personal fit in a company is sometimes more important than the tech you're working on.
- aasasd 7y ago
  Same here, I've once switched from a bunch of 40-something guys in an ‘IT department’ to a web-shop filled with 20- to 30-year-olds ranging from hipsters to ‘family people.’ It felt like fresh air, and conversations went from caustic comments on the company's demands to everything under the sun—had to boost the reading habits to keep up.
  - Bootwizard 7y ago
    Exactly the same experience for me! Conversation at my last job felt fake and forced, and everyone knew it. I don't know how my coworkers still work there. Nobody else left but me. Are people just blind to their own suffering? What is the deal with that?
celim307 7y ago
Do you live somewhere where theres meetups for your interests? If not, move somewhere that does. Mental health should be your #1 priority, you should have something to look forward to. Every decently sized city I lived in, the 'nerdy' interests had a sizable population, and was even mainstream.
natalyarostova 7y ago
>I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Why do you feel discomfort? The only reason I do is because of a sense of guilt, because it implies I make far more money than the person I'm usually telling who is making small talk with me.
- goobynight 7y ago
  I'd wager that's the reason. People can't relate to it. Not even close. I'm not scraping by in my early twenties with a futon trying to bust into a career with a full year's salary in student loan debt. I immediately started making what many people make at the tail end of what they'd call a good career. All while coming in just about whenever I feel like it. My life is a joke in comparison and it's just a coincidence that I landed in it. Same with other guys I know. They happened to like something, such as making Quake mods and then stumbled into making 200k/year in 35hr per week, with maybe half of that 35 being YAML engineering.
  - FillardMillmore 7y ago
    I know what YAML is, but what do you mean by YAML engineering? Fields of engineering with a focus on creating/editing YAML config files?
    - zten 7y ago
      I think it was facetious. For example, lots of ops work is producing mountains upon mountains of YAML to feed into tools like Terraform just to provision and glue things together.
  - kitsunesoba 7y ago
    Yes, this is exactly it. It’s hard not to feel weird when every day I’m surrounded by hardworking individuals who aren’t making nearly as much as I do. It just doesn’t feel right. Is the difference in produced value actually that great? I mean I sure as heck wouldn’t be able to do what I do without without the collective support of all of these people.
rconti 7y ago
What is "nth-ing"? Do you mean, like, "mee too"?
- rhapsodic 7y ago
  >What is "nth-ing"? Do you mean, like, "mee too"? "I second that!" "I third that!" ... "I n-th that!"
- calahad 7y ago
  yep, 2nd-ing, 3rd-ing, 4th-ing, ...nth-ing
rconti 7y ago
> I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. Funny, I feel like I don't fit in, because I've never been a gamer (video or board or otherwise), don't like Sci-Fi, hate Fantasy with a passion, etc etc. I'm not a Trekkie or a Star Wars fan. I don't like anime. shrug There are lots of ways to not fit in.
- PostPost 7y ago
  That part stood out to me too, because I have the opposite social groups, and I have never felt excluded for liking those things. It's highly, highly worth making the effort to connect to people with somewhat similar interests, even if you're introverted by nature. There's a community for nearly everything, and having people you can talk to about your passions goes a long way in making people feel less lonely, and has a significant impact on your lifespan itself: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/relationships-boost-survival/ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/relationships-boo...
ur-whale 7y ago
I can relate. The existential dread you're experiencing is not your fault: normies will bore you to death 99% of the time. Remedy: find yourself people like yourself and start spending time with them.
Waterluvian 7y ago
> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. When I lived in Waterloo, everyone was a software person or related so it wasn't a problem. But I moved to a small city where almost everyone is a factory worker of some sort for farming or auto industries. When someone asks and I say I'm a software engineer, it usually stops there. Or they'll say something along the lines of, "oooh fancy". And if they keep asking about it they might learn, if I don't hold it from them, that I basically work in an industry trying to eliminate their jobs. I didn't really think about this social aspect when I moved. Now I have to be somewhat dishonest with my neighbours as they all get up at the crack of dawn or go in for a night shift to make a living while I work in my pajamas from home for an industry trying to make them obsolete. It's complicated and really aches when I'm confronted with it during social times.
- seibelj 7y ago
  If not automating jobs that could be automated was better for the world, then we would simply pay everyone unemployed to cut grass using scissors. Productivity gains help the world by allowing more services and products to be provided at cheaper rates. This software engineer self-loathing I keep reading about is completely misguided, it's like you are expected to hate yourself for doing valuable labor.
  - sjeohp 7y ago
    > Productivity gains help the world by allowing more services and products to be provided at cheaper rates. That can be true and still not ease the pain inflicted by unemployment. The poster is confronting the consequences of their work and you are suggesting The Greater Good should simply trump their basic human empathy... An alternative might be to accept both benefits and costs of said work and make an effort to mitigate the costs via charity, volunteering, support for social programs, etc.
- blaser-waffle 7y ago
  Yeah I know that feel. In a big city on the US East Coast no one bats an eye if you're a network engineer or front-end dev, but now, living in Western Canada, I feel incongruous. Everyone I know is in some sort of natural resource extraction (oil/gas/mining/lumber/farming) and, even though some of them are supremely well paid, it definitely feels like a class and culture mismatch.
majormajor 7y ago
> I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them. I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype or netflix-watcher or chronic-substance-abuser or extremely-self-improving-gogetter. I've known sports fans with no friends, etc... these are somewhat orthogonal things. There's also a lot of judgment in this quoted line in particular. Which fits with the general problem of just "I don't like where I am but want something different but don't know what that is." Unfortunately (but also fortunately!) the cliche answer is true here: the only way to change what you're doing is to change what you're doing. I can't tell you what hobbies or social groups or whatever, but if you're not looking for them, you're not going to find any. Nothing is gained without practice.
mrmonkeyman 7y ago
Embrace your nerdy hobbies. I do and I have a wife, kid and everything. Nobody gives a shit man, just (try to) be happy. Do your thang.
ghostbrainalpha 7y ago
We are kindred in this. I actually hate myself for knowing instantly what you meant by 'Classic', despite never having played. And I hate myself for never having played, not because I wouldn't enjoy the fuck out of it, but because I let the fear of judgement from my social circle. Despite the fact that I don't really care for that social circle, I do care deeply what they think about me, and I let it determine my actions and what I allow myself to participate in.

canardlaquay 7y ago

You clearly bother yourself WAY too much with what other people are thinking. Believe me, you'd be better off pursuing what you truly love instead of trying to fit into what you think is 'normality'.

toyg 7y ago
https://youtu.be/PHSaEPVSVEE https://youtu.be/PHSaEPVSVEE
ropiwqefjnpoa 7y ago
Yes and no, being able to share your interests with others is deeply rewarding. It often enhances our enjoyment as opposed to doing it all alone.
- shandor 7y ago
  Nowadays there's no lack of enthusiasts even in the smallest of niches. Just follow your passion and do what you enjoy, the others will be there. Much easier than trying to enjoy things you don't like, and building your social circles around that. Of course even then you need to be active at least to the point of finding the others out there, but I'd still contest it to be the easier way.
  - batty_alex 7y ago
    This is true, but it's also nice to have that support circle be folks you can interact with face-to-face. It's so much better. Not that online communities aren't also great. For some reason, not having someone else look you in the eyes with a similar amount of excitement just isn't the same.
    - shandor 7y ago
      Oh, I was also speaking of "live" socializing instead of online, and agree completely with you. I was just voicing my encouraging experience that even small-to-mid sized cities seem to have a surprising amount of enthusiasts for almost any given interest.

MGGJFU 7y ago

That's surprising. I think software engineering is one of the cooler professions now, perception wise. Embrace it and don't be afraid to be nerdy.

non-entity 7y ago
It's a lot cooler now, it seems because of the money + media exposure. There are still some old and new negative stereotypes, particularly against CS students
- GaryNumanVevo 7y ago
  One of my friends recently took a job at Apple for less pay, and for a team she didn't like over a job at another company. She complains to me all the time about working there, while posting selfies and stuff at the campus. I don't understand why people do this.
heliodor 7y ago
"Cool" is a vague term. Pick some clearer labels against which to evaluate and you'll be able to have clearer answers.

Phlarp 7y ago

You should not feel social pressure over having traditionally "nerdy" interests. 10's of millions of people have played WoW over it's 15 year run and I suspect a large number of software engineers that were exposed to the original game as teenagers are enjoying playing classic now. You shouldn't feel like you need to beat yourself up for not having some version of "normative" interests or not aligning with what you see others doing. Finally, always keep in mind that people are generally far too worried about their own lives to dissect yours. You say you feel discomfort telling people you are a software engineer? Have you ever considered that the sports fans and netflix watchers first reaction to hearing that might be "damn, I wish I had my shit together enough to learn a valuable professional skill like satokema has"

redisman 7y ago
Isn't "nerdy" interests just mainstream entertainment these days? Last I checked all the blockbusters are based on comic books and video games are the most popular form of entertainment.
- Phlarp 7y ago
  Yes. Nerd became "cool" sometime in the late 2000's

thanatropism 7y ago

We should know how old you are. What can be said to comfort someone's existential angst truly differs at 18, 28 and 38.

losthobbies 7y ago

You should try the book Own your Weird.

lallysingh 7y ago

> I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype or netflix-watcher or chronic-substance-abuser or extremely-self-improving-gogetter. I think you just need to find more interesting people to talk to. It's them, not you. Reminds me of a quote I found helpful: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

bluesroo 7y ago
Quotes like that can be interesting because there's a opposing one: "If everywhere you go smells like shit, you should check under your own shoe".
tcbasche 7y ago
That quote is fantastic, and very true in my limited anecdotal experience

hliyan 7y ago

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Oddly enough, I recently found myself saying something to this effect, in a meeting: "I'm an engineer, a professional. I like to take pride in my work. I look at doctors (or civil engineers) at my age and wonder about the level of respect they enjoy and how they approach their profession. How did we get to a point where we (generalizing here) got to a point where we both behave, and are treated as borderline-savants who must be tolerated out of sheer necessity?"

Fellshard 7y ago
The collapse of American education might have something to do with this.
- tcbasche 7y ago
  Australian here; it's the same here. "Oh Software Engineer..." cue vacant look
  - jimmux 7y ago
    Yep, it's a bit frustrating. I often talk to people in careers I know nothing about, so I ask questions. Then you have a conversation going. Sometimes it feels like people are afraid to be curious about software engineering, lest they get infected with nerdiness.
    - Fellshard 7y ago
      I find the same preemptive assumption from many people that they are incapable of understanding mathematics. The usual statement is: "I'm not a math person." This alone tells me how criminally warped their view on academics and mathematics must have been shaped, and how rotten we are at teaching concepts in a way multiple subsets of the classroom can learn at once.
jart 7y ago
Doctors and lawyers are in a position where folks need to go to them to obtain indispensable services that only they are legally entitled to provide. As coders we're part of the working class like everyone else. Maybe with some bonus perks like free food. Everyday people aren't required to respect us, because we don't have any real power over their lives. We just show up to our jobs in a distant office and build stuff to make life better for people in general.

heliodor 7y ago

As the other comment says, you concern yourself with the opinion of others too much. While you're at it, you're choosing the modern-average crowd of people who do nothing interesting with their personal lives. Sports fans, movies, bars? Come on! Easy first step: pick an individual sport and stick with it for a year. Check out your local bouldering gym or get into tennis, for example. Both of those have above-average, healthy, driven, interesting people.

teppifk 7y ago

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life. > I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. It's not any different when an electrician, lawyer or a doctor wants to talk shop. Most people you will interact with don't have the same interests as you. > I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype Virtually no one fits cleanly into stereotypes. Stereotypes are useful for generalizing groups, not individuals. "Sportsfanning" is highly correlated with a rich social life, but you are confusing cause and effect. > That I have nothing to look forward to but more of the same of this, and the few people I have contact with disappear in one way or the other. Sometimes I ask, why bother? All of the rationalization about software engineering, "nerdy" interests is leading you astray. None of those are barriers to a fulfilling social life. Your social life issues are due to any number of problems. It could be depression, anxiety, it could be poor social skills. It is possible (maybe less likely) that you have little interest in deep social connections, but you have to evaluate carefully whether you are really unhappy with just a small online circle, or are you just worried because you appear away from the norm. In any event I encourage you to think deeply about your situation. If you want to change anything, quitting software engineering won't help. It will most likely require a great deal of struggle. Depression and anxiety are not easily shaken off. Learning social skills like most things is harder later in life. I can assure you people in your position have improved, but only after taking stock of what is holding them back and seeking appropriate assistance.

deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
Jenz 7y ago
> it could be poor social skills. Is this an area where you can improve? My social skills are abyssmally non-existant... I am in a suprisingly similar situation to satokemas, all but the fact that I do not ever doubt "why bother" (I love the world) and I go to high school— I don’t work, that is. I’ve been alone for two years in school now, although I just recently got one friend that is very understanding, though I guess I’ll still be alone almost all the time, this last year of school. This is sad, I don’t like things being sad. Therefore I want to do something about it...

sixothree 7y ago

I hate that I love my work and the software I create more than anything else in my life.

Qworg 7y ago
Why do you hate it? I've found that we all fall along a continuum of "work is life" and "work is what I do to live" - if you're at an edge of that, it isn't inherently bad.
- sixothree 7y ago
  Thank you. It feels like it comes at the expense of other things.

mettamage 7y ago

Your issues seem to mirror mine. This is one of the reasons why I don't only occupy myself with being a software engineer. I like quite a lot of things fortunately, but I'm sure that if I had this less, I'd have been a better software engineer since I'd have more grit to succeed in my projects.

Bootwizard 7y ago

I used to work in a place where I was surrounded by these "normies" for a lack of a better term. I had absolutely nothing in common with any of my coworkers. Maybe one of them because we both enjoyed expensive coffee, but that was superficial at best. I was miserable for the year and a half I was there, and I found a new job where everyone is a nerd. I love every single minute of my "work" day. Your environment can poison your self image, so leave and find somewhere that suits you better. Personal fit in a company is sometimes more important than the tech you're working on.

aasasd 7y ago
Same here, I've once switched from a bunch of 40-something guys in an ‘IT department’ to a web-shop filled with 20- to 30-year-olds ranging from hipsters to ‘family people.’ It felt like fresh air, and conversations went from caustic comments on the company's demands to everything under the sun—had to boost the reading habits to keep up.
- Bootwizard 7y ago
  Exactly the same experience for me! Conversation at my last job felt fake and forced, and everyone knew it. I don't know how my coworkers still work there. Nobody else left but me. Are people just blind to their own suffering? What is the deal with that?

celim307 7y ago

Do you live somewhere where theres meetups for your interests? If not, move somewhere that does. Mental health should be your #1 priority, you should have something to look forward to. Every decently sized city I lived in, the 'nerdy' interests had a sizable population, and was even mainstream.

natalyarostova 7y ago

>I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Why do you feel discomfort? The only reason I do is because of a sense of guilt, because it implies I make far more money than the person I'm usually telling who is making small talk with me.

goobynight 7y ago
I'd wager that's the reason. People can't relate to it. Not even close. I'm not scraping by in my early twenties with a futon trying to bust into a career with a full year's salary in student loan debt. I immediately started making what many people make at the tail end of what they'd call a good career. All while coming in just about whenever I feel like it. My life is a joke in comparison and it's just a coincidence that I landed in it. Same with other guys I know. They happened to like something, such as making Quake mods and then stumbled into making 200k/year in 35hr per week, with maybe half of that 35 being YAML engineering.
- FillardMillmore 7y ago
  I know what YAML is, but what do you mean by YAML engineering? Fields of engineering with a focus on creating/editing YAML config files?
  - zten 7y ago
    I think it was facetious. For example, lots of ops work is producing mountains upon mountains of YAML to feed into tools like Terraform just to provision and glue things together.
- kitsunesoba 7y ago
  Yes, this is exactly it. It’s hard not to feel weird when every day I’m surrounded by hardworking individuals who aren’t making nearly as much as I do. It just doesn’t feel right. Is the difference in produced value actually that great? I mean I sure as heck wouldn’t be able to do what I do without without the collective support of all of these people.

rconti 7y ago

What is "nth-ing"? Do you mean, like, "mee too"?

rhapsodic 7y ago
>What is "nth-ing"? Do you mean, like, "mee too"? "I second that!" "I third that!" ... "I n-th that!"
calahad 7y ago
yep, 2nd-ing, 3rd-ing, 4th-ing, ...nth-ing

rconti 7y ago

> I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. Funny, I feel like I don't fit in, because I've never been a gamer (video or board or otherwise), don't like Sci-Fi, hate Fantasy with a passion, etc etc. I'm not a Trekkie or a Star Wars fan. I don't like anime. shrug There are lots of ways to not fit in.

PostPost 7y ago
That part stood out to me too, because I have the opposite social groups, and I have never felt excluded for liking those things. It's highly, highly worth making the effort to connect to people with somewhat similar interests, even if you're introverted by nature. There's a community for nearly everything, and having people you can talk to about your passions goes a long way in making people feel less lonely, and has a significant impact on your lifespan itself: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/relationships-boost-survival/ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/relationships-boo...

ur-whale 7y ago

I can relate. The existential dread you're experiencing is not your fault: normies will bore you to death 99% of the time. Remedy: find yourself people like yourself and start spending time with them.

Waterluvian 7y ago

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. When I lived in Waterloo, everyone was a software person or related so it wasn't a problem. But I moved to a small city where almost everyone is a factory worker of some sort for farming or auto industries. When someone asks and I say I'm a software engineer, it usually stops there. Or they'll say something along the lines of, "oooh fancy". And if they keep asking about it they might learn, if I don't hold it from them, that I basically work in an industry trying to eliminate their jobs. I didn't really think about this social aspect when I moved. Now I have to be somewhat dishonest with my neighbours as they all get up at the crack of dawn or go in for a night shift to make a living while I work in my pajamas from home for an industry trying to make them obsolete. It's complicated and really aches when I'm confronted with it during social times.

seibelj 7y ago
If not automating jobs that could be automated was better for the world, then we would simply pay everyone unemployed to cut grass using scissors. Productivity gains help the world by allowing more services and products to be provided at cheaper rates. This software engineer self-loathing I keep reading about is completely misguided, it's like you are expected to hate yourself for doing valuable labor.
- sjeohp 7y ago
  > Productivity gains help the world by allowing more services and products to be provided at cheaper rates. That can be true and still not ease the pain inflicted by unemployment. The poster is confronting the consequences of their work and you are suggesting The Greater Good should simply trump their basic human empathy... An alternative might be to accept both benefits and costs of said work and make an effort to mitigate the costs via charity, volunteering, support for social programs, etc.
blaser-waffle 7y ago
Yeah I know that feel. In a big city on the US East Coast no one bats an eye if you're a network engineer or front-end dev, but now, living in Western Canada, I feel incongruous. Everyone I know is in some sort of natural resource extraction (oil/gas/mining/lumber/farming) and, even though some of them are supremely well paid, it definitely feels like a class and culture mismatch.

majormajor 7y ago

> I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them. I have no interest in turning off that part of my brain so I can fit into the sportsfan stereotype or netflix-watcher or chronic-substance-abuser or extremely-self-improving-gogetter. I've known sports fans with no friends, etc... these are somewhat orthogonal things. There's also a lot of judgment in this quoted line in particular. Which fits with the general problem of just "I don't like where I am but want something different but don't know what that is." Unfortunately (but also fortunately!) the cliche answer is true here: the only way to change what you're doing is to change what you're doing. I can't tell you what hobbies or social groups or whatever, but if you're not looking for them, you're not going to find any. Nothing is gained without practice.

mrmonkeyman 7y ago

Embrace your nerdy hobbies. I do and I have a wife, kid and everything. Nobody gives a shit man, just (try to) be happy. Do your thang.

ghostbrainalpha 7y ago

We are kindred in this. I actually hate myself for knowing instantly what you meant by 'Classic', despite never having played. And I hate myself for never having played, not because I wouldn't enjoy the fuck out of it, but because I let the fear of judgement from my social circle. Despite the fact that I don't really care for that social circle, I do care deeply what they think about me, and I let it determine my actions and what I allow myself to participate in.