4 ms·

Ask HN: getting married tonight - tips for success?

• cracell 16y ago
  Not married yet but have lived with my girlfriend for the last year while building a startup and having contracting to pay the bills. Biggest thing I've learned is to set aside enough time to do things just the two of you with the computer off and the cell phone silenced. Make sure your love knows they are first priority in your life. When you are stressed communicate why you are stressed, don't just try to extinguish it. Ask for help when you need it, you aren't alone anymore :). And get a clear financials plan. Stressing about money plus the day to day stress of building a startup can really damage relationships.
• david927 16y ago
  My mom is a psychologist, so I'll tell you what she told me before I got married: A Native American couple was to get married, and the medicine man came to them and said, "There are three of you here: the groom, the bride and death. The relationship you have right now will die. But from its ashes can spring a new relationship. That new relationship will be different, less exciting in some ways, maybe, but deeper and stronger. And that new relationship will die, but from its ashes a new one can spring again. This will go on and on for your lifetime together." Expect that your relationship will change and be prepared to change with it. Expect to forgive the past and expect to discover the future. About balancing work and a new venture, my only advice is to always make clear to her/him that s/he is the first priority. You may have to spend more time with the venture, but it is always number two. And be prepared to continually show, over and over, what you feel is obvious: how much you love them and how important they are to you. Never assume they know. P.S. Congratulations and my warmest wishes for your future together!
  • stanmancan 16y ago
    Wow, I really like that quote from the medicine man. I think lots of people expect the first stage of the relationship to last for ever, and when things become less exciting, ignore the deeper love and attachment that generally comes along with it. Relationships evolve, just like people.
  • jaxn 16y ago
    Thank you.
• ludicast 16y ago
  Marriage is always a mistake, but it is important that you make it with the right person :-). I've been married for 3.5 years to the best girl in the world. Best mistake I ever made. As far as advice goes, make her feel included in your adventures and when she tells you about her day at least try to listen. The main thing that changes when you get married is that you can no longer crash at other people's houses. Even at 4am she'll expect you to go home.
• spitfire 16y ago
  Get off the computer and pay attention to your new wife!
  • T_S_ 16y ago
    He's not allowed. She's probably getting dressed.
    • jaxn 16y ago
      You were absolutely right (and right now we are hanging out on our computers together)
• pierrefar 16y ago
  In terms of relationship, my advice will be the same whether you're starting up or working in BigBoring Inc. It boils down to 3 things: 1. Time: Make time for each other. Schedule it as if it's a big important meeting with an investor if need be. Even better is to have a routine that naturally makes time for you two to be together. Whatever it takes. 2. Talking: Always talk about everything that might be going wrong or right. This is especially true in the early days as you figure what this marriage thing is all about. No relationship I know of broke down because the couple communicated too much. 3. Adapt: What you have now is not what you're going to have in a year's time and certainly not you'll have in 2 years. Your startup might succeed or it might fail. You will have unforseen family obligations come up at the most inopportune time. One of you might lose their job or get ill long term. In short: life will throw you curve balls and you two must deal with them and adapt. This usually where people insert some cliche analogy, but I'll spare you :) Congrats and good luck!
• StevenHodson 16y ago
  Don't piss her off and most importantly she's always right :)
• sown 16y ago
  If you anger her enough she can take more than half of everything. Down vote if you want. I have yet to see a marriage of two people I know not end in divorce or where one or both are trapped in a loveless marriage.
  • wakawana 16y ago
    wow u need to get out more. my parents have been married for over 35 years and still love each other like crazy. They have many friends that are in the same boat.
  • donspaulding 16y ago
    You need to meet more people.
• dotBen 16y ago
  I've been married and divorced and I'm still in my late twenties. Not sure I can help you with any maxims on maintaining a healthy marriage but on the startup front I would suggest you strongly consider a pre-nup - or if the wedding is this evening, a post-nup. I sincerely hope you never end up in a divorce situation but during mine (under California law) I had to give up 50% of my equity and options rights in the startups I've been involved in that occurred during the marriage because they were 'community property' (ie owned by the couple). I'm not a lawyer, but if you have your own startup and your wife isn't a shareholder and you divorce she is entitled to 50% of anything you vested during that time. It works both ways if she is also involved in startups (ie you would get 50% of hers) and to that end you could agree to trade/cancel things out. I was able to buy my ex-wife out because I didn't want her to remain involved in the company but it was very costly. There's a longer and more gory story in here but this isn't really the place to get into it plus confidentially issues come into play. When you get married, you don't really want to think about divorce. In the same way when you form the company documents for your startup, you don't really think about an IPO or an exit - yet in both cases at that end point some of the decisions you made at the start will come into play and so it's important to get things in order now. EDIT: Another tid-bit of info - if you exercise options or sell the company your spouse has to sign-off agreement on the documents. Again, if you end up estranged from your wife that can cause all kinds of delays and issues.
  • akulbe 16y ago
    I couldn't disagree more strongly with this sentiment. Marriage is built on trust, and with a pre-nup agreement, you're starting out with the premise BEFORE YOU'VE EVEN MARRIED... that 'this is how we divorce'. BAD IDEA. If you don't trust someone enough, don't get married. Period. End of story.
    • dgallagher 16y ago
      One thing that stuck out with me was Donald Trump's books. He wrote two or three of them in the 1980's/1990's, and in each dedicated an entire chapter to prenups, why to have one, and why he had one. He went through two divorces and only ended up paying a few million dollars (pre-agreed upon), rather than half which would have been close to a billion. Agreeing how to end a relationship is much easier to do while you're still friends rather than enemies. Hopefully it never happens, but situations and incentives change, and having a prenup is an excellent hedge against the unpredictability of the future.
• unohoo 16y ago
  single most important tip from a geek who's been happily married for 5 years now: The wife is always right !!
  • mindcrime 16y ago
    That kind of thinking perfectly represents why I'll probably never get married. No, she isn't always right. Nobody is always right. Women just think they can yank men's strings with the threat of A. witholding sex, and/or B. divorce (marriage / divorce laws heavily favor women, at least in the US.) Before I'd even consider getting married, I'd have to know that my wife to be understands that we're equals in the relationship... I'm not kowtowing to her, and I wouldn't expect her to kowtow to me. But no way would I ever voluntarily enter into such a lopsided relationship as the typical American marriage, where the wife has her husband "by the balls." If nothing else, it's a good argument for keeping one's pickup skills sharp, just so the wife knows that "withholding sex" isn't much of a threat. And a good argument for a well-written pre-nup.
    • s3graham 16y ago
      Good lord, that's not what that expression means. It means don't argue about unimportant things. If your spouse wants something that you don't have a strong opinion about then roll with it. Don't sweat the small stuff. If you're keeping your pickup skills sharp, you haven't really gotten married, you just did some mock ceremony and happen to be living together.
      • mindcrime 16y ago
        It means don't argue about unimportant things. If your spouse wants something that you don't have a strong opinion about then roll with it. Don't sweat the small stuff. Maybe to you... I know more than a few of my guy friends who literally let their wives control them "by the balls" so to speak, and don't have that healthy balance. But anyway, yeah, what you just said, I'm down with that, when you put it that way. If you're keeping your pickup skills sharp, you haven't really gotten married, you just did some mock ceremony and happen to be living together. I have to admit, my views on the nature of sex, romance, dating, marriage are NOT inline with the majority of society; so it comes as no surprise that you would say that. I really think the whole idea of life-long monogamous relationships is basically a farce... I'm basically polyamorous, but can see the merits of interludes of monogamy....serial monogamy if you will.
• aresant 16y ago
  I’ve found that carving out a little bit of time each day makes a huge difference. Your spouse knows what you’re doing and supports you, so make a little time daily to recognize that commitment to you, with a commitment to them. From previous threads things I've seen and put into action that really work: - Have a sit-down dinner together every night. - Spend at least half-of-one weekend day out of the house together. - Spend at least 15 mins of uninterrupted time talking and focused on each other in the morning, and before bed. More good threads on this topic: http://steveblank.com/2009/06/18/epitaph-for-an-entrepreneur/ http://steveblank.com/2009/06/18/epitaph-for-an-entrepreneur... http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1620335 http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1620335 http://searchyc.com/submissions/marriage http://searchyc.com/submissions/marriage Lastly, SUCCEED! The dividends of success provide financial stability which is a cornerstone for a happy marriage.
• gaiusparx 16y ago
  1. Watch out when she starts to call your computer your second wife or mistress. You need more time for her. 2. Don't buy her geek toys/gadgets as gifts. 3. Make her the priority, not the new venture. As for tonight, just relax, enjoy and make her feel wanted and loved.
  • joshzayin 16y ago
    > Don't buy her geek toys/gadgets as gifts ...unless she's a geek, presumably? I mean, there certainly exist men who would love to have a geek toy/gadget as a gift, so why shouldn't at least some women want that as well?
• iamelgringo 16y ago
  My wife and I have been married 14 years, and it's the best decision I've ever made. We knew from the start that we did not ever want to go through a divorce, and that we wanted our marriage to be for keeps. So, we worked backwards from that and thought about what it would take to make that happen. So, I suggested that we go to marriage counseling right after we got married. And, within 6 months of getting married, we did marriage counseling for 1.5 years. It really helped a lot. We've also taken communication classes together and we've made a point to go back in to counseling to talk through problems with a third party present before things get too bad. It takes a lot of time and effort, but marriage is one of those investments where the returns always out weight the investment in it. BTW, my wife is also my co founder.
• minsight 16y ago
  You will have to compromise. If you're lucky, and have found the right person, they'll be willing to compromise, too. And if it's right, neither partner will mind. If either of you maintain "It has to be my way" or "It has to be this way" thoughts, things might get rocky...
• T_S_ 16y ago
  I got married on New Year's Eve 16 years ago. It was a great night to get married, so congratulations. New Year's Eve will always be your anniversary first and a holiday second, which is a good thing if you ask me. Advice? Don't!!! (Just a little vestibule humor.) Real advice... Don't ever treat your partner worse than you would treat a stranger. Another way of saying don't take them for granted. Ensure your partner becomes or remains your best friend. You will both change over the years. Do it together or you will inevitably do it separately. Be a little unpredictable about doing nice things for your partner. Shockingly effective. None of this is relevant for tonight. Enjoy!
• roadnottaken 16y ago
  Happy wife -> happy life.
• joshrule 16y ago
  Probably the two most important things as I close my first year of marriage (2 January is my anniversary): - Do as much as possible together. Try to play games on the same team. Eat meals together. Talk together. Get ready in the mornings together. Watch movies together. Do as much as you possibly can - together. If you think about the way we use the word 'marry' in other concepts (i.e. the perfect marriage of X and Y), it talks about a blending of two things that becomes a new, third thing. So, marriage isn't just two people living in the same place. It's two people becoming something new together. One of the best examples I've seen of this idea is the second chapter of the book A Severe Mercy. The togetherness the author writes about is ridiculously complete. - The wedding, as much work as it takes to put together, is just the starting line. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you've won your wife and can move onto another project. It's an incredibly easy mistake to make, and a terribly dangerous one. Marriage, especially because of my first point, is hard work. It's breath-taking and awe-inspiring, but it's also hard work. I Love it! Congratulations!
• akulbe 16y ago
  Communicate. A LOT. And listen to her, at least twice as much as you speak. You know... the whole two ears - one mouth cliché? :) Is she your best friend? If she isn't, get to a place in your relationship where she is. Include her in your plans, your thoughts, your dreams. Also, being a tech geek, you likely have the "problem solving" mentality. Understand that some days, she will be emotional, and perhaps even irrational... this is not the time to "fix" her. Just listen. Women are responders. Typically, if you take good care of her, there's nothing she wouldn't do for you. It is simple, but not at all easy. Be prepared for HARD WORK. :)
• mkramlich 16y ago
  #1. say "I do"
  • jf271 16y ago
    Patience is really a virture. And you don't need to win every battle to win the war. Wait until it is something that really matters to you before raising your voice. I don't know if I have been sucessful or not yet. I have only been married 28 years. My wife's parents made it over 50 years.
• tamersalama 16y ago
  Congratulations. Quick tip - set time off the grid to enjoy each other's (and future kids') company. It's just amazing how being connected can take away from true moments of love.
• mindcrime 16y ago
  Also, it might be worth reading what Roissy has to say on the subject: http://roissy.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/dont-get-married/ http://roissy.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/dont-get-married/
• duncan_bayne 16y ago
  Honest, open communication. If your wife knows everything that's going on in your head & your life, & you know everything that's going on in her head & her life, you'll be equipped to deal with pretty much every problem you can face.
• Mz 16y ago
  I was married over 20 years and the divorce was amicable. We treated the relationship as a private matter and nobody's business. My oldest son has said that when he was a kid, he couldn't comprehend stereotypical jokes about interfering in-laws and the like because he never once saw that in his own family. My ex was career military, so we didn't live near either of our families. That simplified that aspect of it. But I imagine we would have drawn pretty clear boundaries in that regard anyway, even if circumstances had been different. What goes on in the marriage has to be between the two of you and the rest of the world can go screw itself. If you can get that piece right, the marriage can withstand quite a lot, for many years. Congratulations! I hope this is happily ever after. PS: If at all possible, call when you are going to be late. That will go a long way towards letting your spouse know that you do really care about them even when the business is making demands on your time. It took my ex too many years to get the hang of that one.
• faust1 16y ago
  compromise.