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All the posts below ignored one huge thing. I'm going to provide a list of actions that transformed my life when I was 19 and solved the problems you mentioned.

All the posts below ignored one huge thing. I'm going to provide a list of actions that transformed my life when I was 19 and solved the problems you mentioned. How? These habits increased my confidence, calmed my mind, and increased self-awareness. Habits & systems are everything. Number 1 is the MOST important and is paramount. None of the rest will work without it: 1. https://www.reddit.com/r/nofap https://www.reddit.com/r/nofap. Don't dismiss. No harm in trying. Do 90 days and report back how you feel. Good website: https://www.antidopamine.com/ https://www.antidopamine.com/ 2. Meditate every morning for 20 minutes. Try headspace app. 3. Exercise everyday (eg. strength training, sprints, BJJ/Muay Thai, sports, yoga, etc.) 4. Clean up your diet. No garbage, processed food. Eat naturally. Lean meat, veggies, some fruit. No fast-food, no bullshit. Health body => Healthy mind. 5. Sleep on time and sleep enough. 6. Practice what you suck at. Every day. Practice practice practice. I want you to fail over and over again, get back up, and fight again. Warrior mentality. 7. Write in a journal everyday to track progress/create a plan/identify problems. 8. Quit all social media and anything else that gives your brain dopamine hits. Remove all addictions from your life. It's wasting precious time you could spend improving yourself. EDIT: I thought of more.. 9. Make sure you allocate time everyday where you disconnect from technology. This is a good time to practice social skills, exercise, read, write, cook, take a walk and think. Solitude is essential for health. 10. Google "Discipline Equals Freedom" and Jocko Podcast. He has great books and I suggest reading them. Basically, remove bad habits & people, create/add good ones, practice what you suck at, and take care of your body & mind. If you need help, comment below and we can figure out a way to talk privately.

goshx 7y ago
Thank you for sharing this.
fartcannon 7y ago
What profession do you operate in?
- angadkalra 7y ago
  I'm a Machine Learning Engineer for a healthcare startup in Toronto. Just finished my MSc in CS.
  - fartcannon 7y ago
    Forgive my Canadian Inquisition but is having fun considered a dopamine hit?
jasonv 7y ago
Good list. Having done a lot of professional tech mentorship, and fitness/nutrition coaching, I can also say that a lot of people who've asked me for help make it into 1-3 items of a similar list I have, and back off, and then.. typically, come back 6-9 months later and report that they have the same issues, feel the same way, and now feel kind of bad about themselves having failed to achieve/change more. It's an axiom in coaching that you can't get people to do things, that you can only offer up suggestions/solutions and those who are ready will jump on it. I think this is pretty true. I also think that if you're on the bubble, and you want change but aren't quite sure if you'll really stick with it, making enough change can be a turning point. Something will click when you do enough, and that click can be the moment when you really want it, because you have seen a bit of change. But, in short you have to be pretty ruthless for yourself to transform, and that usually also means disconnecting from some of your legacy commitments (friends, amount of social time, drinking, etc).
- acqq 7y ago
  > in short you have to be pretty ruthless for yourself to transform More about this: - If you believe that “the most important is to be yourself”, stop. The reason you asked is because you’re ready to change not doing everything the same as before. Then set the goals that you believe are achievable to you but find somebody that you can report about them. Once you achieve them, also confirm that they stick (that that wasn’t “once”). Etc. But also: seek a help of a Cognitive Behaviour therapist. Evidence based. As scientific as it can be. Read other comments here about it, and search elsewhere.
  - doboyy 7y ago
    I want to offer an alternative interpretation on the "be yourself" mantra, because I think there is some wisdom there. You first have to "know thyself", which is difficult, because I don't think introspection is natural to our monkey-brains. Our minds, with all of the peculiar characteristics that have emerged over human history, make it difficult to evaluate ourselves accurately, in the same artists have a hard time judging the quality of their work, even if it is phenomenal. After that, you actually have to strive to be yourself, and you'll likely face resistance. You've got to be creative when dealing with that, and I think the tips posted help in that regard. I've been toying with the idea that you must attempt to live according to your principles and values, else there is inevitably be unresolved psychological tension. I don't want to get into examples to prove my assertion right now but brainstorming could be done. Of course, this doesn't tell you what principles and values are right or wrong. Is OP right to want to be more confident? I don't know, but he believes he should and thus, stress. CBT could help. What I am fairly sure of, is that these problems won't resolve themselves until beliefs and actions start to align. So... "be yourself"
ravishi 7y ago
I second this. But would like to add one note: if you can't do it all at once, that's ok! And also, do therapy. I've started a similar journey 6 years ago, and have been doing some of those things here, some there, sometimes none of them at all, but always coming back to the good habits. Sleep, healthy lifestyle, healthy body and healthy mind. Some times it seemed like I was making huge progress, sometimes it felt like I was back to the hole again. But it was all progress! And one last thing that has made all the difference in the past two years: therapy. I went to the doctor, said I had all those issues and started working on them. Been on at least three therapists in the past two years, still think I'm gonna seek another one soon, but the progress I've made through therapy has been invaluable.
angadkalra 7y ago
Oh yeah, also, start small! Pick like 3 things and set small goals (e.g For 7 days, I will do this, this, and this). You build confidence through accomplishments. So set small goals, accomplish, and then set a slightly bigger goal and start again! This is a life long journey, you will fail, we all do, get back up, dust off, and fight.
ynot269 7y ago
gonna need an explanation on how no fap is related to self esteem doc.
- angadkalra 7y ago
  https://www.antidopamine.com/nofap/confidence/ https://www.antidopamine.com/nofap/confidence/
- sizzle 7y ago
  https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articles-about-the-studies/porn-use-sex-addiction-studies/studies-linking-porn-use-to-poorer-mental-emotional-health-poorer-cognitive-outcomes/ https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articl...
  - swat535 7y ago
    Just a word of caution. This has been discussed previously couple of times on HN. There are some pseudo scientific stuff there but also some interesting points. Take it with a grain of salt and make your own decision before jumping on any of these bandwagons For reference: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5051892 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5051892 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5946727 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5946727
    - sizzle 7y ago
      Thanks for the insight, much appreciated!
- NotSammyHagar 7y ago
  Yeah, I can't understand the no fap cult. Having a strong sex drive and finding it overwhelming at times is just the way humans are made. Wanting to look at porn and nudity, those are pretty much the way humans have been forever. As an example, look at the life of ben franklin 250 years ago, who like a lot of our founding fathers had a very active 'secret' sex life [1], [2]. Almost everyone is like that, in that at times they feel like they are obsessed with sex. If you can't ever get out of bed and do anything but look at porn, that's a problem; but it's just who we are as human beings that we sometimes do a manual override. All that other advice people give about exercise, doing just a little bit of stuff you want every day, getting therapy - I'm all for that. But cut yourself a break too, you are a human animal. [1] https://www.biography.com/news/benjamin-franklin-ladies-man-famous-love-affairs-video https://www.biography.com/news/benjamin-franklin-ladies-man-... [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_to_a_Friend_on_Choosing_a_Mistress https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_to_a_Friend_on_Choosing...
lowestprimate 7y ago
Good list. Would also add that when you are first learning something expect failure at it as it is part of the learning process. Get feedback from someone who has done what you are trying to learn and learn from feedback. Self confidence and self esteem are dependent functions. Get rid of distractions in life. Get rid of people who do not bring you joy. Help people. Be kind.
- angadkalra 7y ago
  I support this.
HSJuniper 7y ago
I would add that it is important to practice acceptance and self love. A lot of times lists like this give the sense or feeling that you can't slip or mess up. It's important to remember that you're human, you will make a mistake or slip up, and that it's ok. Practicing accepting those moments, being kind to yourself, getting back on track and continuing to make progress. Remind yourself that you're not alone in this struggle and that any setback is just temporary and sometimes necessary so you can keep pushing.
deleted 7y ago
[deleted]
jlevers 7y ago
I've tried meditation on multiple occasions, using Headspace and other apps, as well as without any outside input. I've consistently meditated for over a month at times, but after that month, I still _hated_ it. I'm not someone who usually has a hard time getting into the habit of something, but I've never been able to get into meditating, and I never noticed any positive effects. Do you have any thoughts on my experiences?
- jugjug 7y ago
  What did you specifically hate about meditation?
  - jlevers 7y ago
    It makes me insane to sit still doing nothing for that long, which I think is kind of the point -- that you have to sit with your thoughts. But I don't have any issues sitting with my thoughts, I just don't like having to do nothing, and since I didn't see any benefits after a month+, it felt really pointless. So I guess the short answer is, a combination of restlessness and feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere.
    - auspex 7y ago
      That may be part of what you are missing with meditation. You want to have no thoughts and be in tune with your surroundings. The technique taught to me was this. 1) Start with eyes closed and listen your surroundings. If there's a bird let it in, do not try to tune out sounds, but accept them lile a radio in the background. 2) Start at your feet and sense or feel them for about 10 seconds. Slowly move up your body, legs, arms, chest head. Sense every part of your body.. focus on it. 3) When you reach the top of your head Relax and focus on your surroundings... the wind, the feelings... Should take about 20 minutes.
    - raindropm 7y ago
      Well, that’s the point: You ‘expected’ your mind to be ‘calm’, and when your mind don’t do it what you want, you frustrated. Meditation shouldn’t be about ‘forcing’ your mind to be calm, but to let it calm, naturally. Like the muddy water in the glass, when you left it still enough, the silt will go the bottom, and the water’s clear. What you might do instead, other than focus your mind in your body somewhere(or your breathe) is just ‘observe’ your mind as it is, like when you observe other people. Is your mind confusing?, can’t stop thinking?, fine, be whatever it want. Is your mind calm?, that’s fine, too, but don’t expect it to be calm forever, because it won’t, and that’s also fine. You don’t judge it, you don’t expect what you want to feels because you heard other people said that. You just observe it with non-judgemental, neutral feeling. In fact, don’t even care about how long you’ve practice it, because that also raise the expectation ‘Why did my mind is not calm even after months+ of practice?’ and it’ll pressure you to force your mind to calm even more. Some day you feel good, some day you feel sleepy, some day you confusing, and that’s ok — you just did it, everyday. My mentor said that your mind is like growing a tree, you can’t force it to grow into giant tree instantly. You just water it, everyday. The change is not even noticeable, but after awhile when you look back, you’ll see how much the plant growth. The peaceful feeling will come naturally when your mind is ready enough. Good luck mate!

goshx 7y ago

Thank you for sharing this.

fartcannon 7y ago

What profession do you operate in?

angadkalra 7y ago
I'm a Machine Learning Engineer for a healthcare startup in Toronto. Just finished my MSc in CS.
- fartcannon 7y ago
  Forgive my Canadian Inquisition but is having fun considered a dopamine hit?

jasonv 7y ago

Good list. Having done a lot of professional tech mentorship, and fitness/nutrition coaching, I can also say that a lot of people who've asked me for help make it into 1-3 items of a similar list I have, and back off, and then.. typically, come back 6-9 months later and report that they have the same issues, feel the same way, and now feel kind of bad about themselves having failed to achieve/change more. It's an axiom in coaching that you can't get people to do things, that you can only offer up suggestions/solutions and those who are ready will jump on it. I think this is pretty true. I also think that if you're on the bubble, and you want change but aren't quite sure if you'll really stick with it, making enough change can be a turning point. Something will click when you do enough, and that click can be the moment when you really want it, because you have seen a bit of change. But, in short you have to be pretty ruthless for yourself to transform, and that usually also means disconnecting from some of your legacy commitments (friends, amount of social time, drinking, etc).

acqq 7y ago
> in short you have to be pretty ruthless for yourself to transform More about this: - If you believe that “the most important is to be yourself”, stop. The reason you asked is because you’re ready to change not doing everything the same as before. Then set the goals that you believe are achievable to you but find somebody that you can report about them. Once you achieve them, also confirm that they stick (that that wasn’t “once”). Etc. But also: seek a help of a Cognitive Behaviour therapist. Evidence based. As scientific as it can be. Read other comments here about it, and search elsewhere.
- doboyy 7y ago
  I want to offer an alternative interpretation on the "be yourself" mantra, because I think there is some wisdom there. You first have to "know thyself", which is difficult, because I don't think introspection is natural to our monkey-brains. Our minds, with all of the peculiar characteristics that have emerged over human history, make it difficult to evaluate ourselves accurately, in the same artists have a hard time judging the quality of their work, even if it is phenomenal. After that, you actually have to strive to be yourself, and you'll likely face resistance. You've got to be creative when dealing with that, and I think the tips posted help in that regard. I've been toying with the idea that you must attempt to live according to your principles and values, else there is inevitably be unresolved psychological tension. I don't want to get into examples to prove my assertion right now but brainstorming could be done. Of course, this doesn't tell you what principles and values are right or wrong. Is OP right to want to be more confident? I don't know, but he believes he should and thus, stress. CBT could help. What I am fairly sure of, is that these problems won't resolve themselves until beliefs and actions start to align. So... "be yourself"

ravishi 7y ago

I second this. But would like to add one note: if you can't do it all at once, that's ok! And also, do therapy. I've started a similar journey 6 years ago, and have been doing some of those things here, some there, sometimes none of them at all, but always coming back to the good habits. Sleep, healthy lifestyle, healthy body and healthy mind. Some times it seemed like I was making huge progress, sometimes it felt like I was back to the hole again. But it was all progress! And one last thing that has made all the difference in the past two years: therapy. I went to the doctor, said I had all those issues and started working on them. Been on at least three therapists in the past two years, still think I'm gonna seek another one soon, but the progress I've made through therapy has been invaluable.

angadkalra 7y ago

Oh yeah, also, start small! Pick like 3 things and set small goals (e.g For 7 days, I will do this, this, and this). You build confidence through accomplishments. So set small goals, accomplish, and then set a slightly bigger goal and start again! This is a life long journey, you will fail, we all do, get back up, dust off, and fight.

ynot269 7y ago

gonna need an explanation on how no fap is related to self esteem doc.

angadkalra 7y ago
https://www.antidopamine.com/nofap/confidence/ https://www.antidopamine.com/nofap/confidence/
sizzle 7y ago
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articles-about-the-studies/porn-use-sex-addiction-studies/studies-linking-porn-use-to-poorer-mental-emotional-health-poorer-cognitive-outcomes/ https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/relevant-research-and-articl...
- swat535 7y ago
  Just a word of caution. This has been discussed previously couple of times on HN. There are some pseudo scientific stuff there but also some interesting points. Take it with a grain of salt and make your own decision before jumping on any of these bandwagons For reference: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5051892 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5051892 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5946727 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5946727
  - sizzle 7y ago
    Thanks for the insight, much appreciated!
NotSammyHagar 7y ago
Yeah, I can't understand the no fap cult. Having a strong sex drive and finding it overwhelming at times is just the way humans are made. Wanting to look at porn and nudity, those are pretty much the way humans have been forever. As an example, look at the life of ben franklin 250 years ago, who like a lot of our founding fathers had a very active 'secret' sex life [1], [2]. Almost everyone is like that, in that at times they feel like they are obsessed with sex. If you can't ever get out of bed and do anything but look at porn, that's a problem; but it's just who we are as human beings that we sometimes do a manual override. All that other advice people give about exercise, doing just a little bit of stuff you want every day, getting therapy - I'm all for that. But cut yourself a break too, you are a human animal. [1] https://www.biography.com/news/benjamin-franklin-ladies-man-famous-love-affairs-video https://www.biography.com/news/benjamin-franklin-ladies-man-... [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_to_a_Friend_on_Choosing_a_Mistress https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advice_to_a_Friend_on_Choosing...

lowestprimate 7y ago

Good list. Would also add that when you are first learning something expect failure at it as it is part of the learning process. Get feedback from someone who has done what you are trying to learn and learn from feedback. Self confidence and self esteem are dependent functions. Get rid of distractions in life. Get rid of people who do not bring you joy. Help people. Be kind.

angadkalra 7y ago
I support this.

HSJuniper 7y ago

I would add that it is important to practice acceptance and self love. A lot of times lists like this give the sense or feeling that you can't slip or mess up. It's important to remember that you're human, you will make a mistake or slip up, and that it's ok. Practicing accepting those moments, being kind to yourself, getting back on track and continuing to make progress. Remind yourself that you're not alone in this struggle and that any setback is just temporary and sometimes necessary so you can keep pushing.

deleted 7y ago

[deleted]

jlevers 7y ago

I've tried meditation on multiple occasions, using Headspace and other apps, as well as without any outside input. I've consistently meditated for over a month at times, but after that month, I still _hated_ it. I'm not someone who usually has a hard time getting into the habit of something, but I've never been able to get into meditating, and I never noticed any positive effects. Do you have any thoughts on my experiences?

jugjug 7y ago
What did you specifically hate about meditation?
- jlevers 7y ago
  It makes me insane to sit still doing nothing for that long, which I think is kind of the point -- that you have to sit with your thoughts. But I don't have any issues sitting with my thoughts, I just don't like having to do nothing, and since I didn't see any benefits after a month+, it felt really pointless. So I guess the short answer is, a combination of restlessness and feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere.
  - auspex 7y ago
    That may be part of what you are missing with meditation. You want to have no thoughts and be in tune with your surroundings. The technique taught to me was this. 1) Start with eyes closed and listen your surroundings. If there's a bird let it in, do not try to tune out sounds, but accept them lile a radio in the background. 2) Start at your feet and sense or feel them for about 10 seconds. Slowly move up your body, legs, arms, chest head. Sense every part of your body.. focus on it. 3) When you reach the top of your head Relax and focus on your surroundings... the wind, the feelings... Should take about 20 minutes.
  - raindropm 7y ago
    Well, that’s the point: You ‘expected’ your mind to be ‘calm’, and when your mind don’t do it what you want, you frustrated. Meditation shouldn’t be about ‘forcing’ your mind to be calm, but to let it calm, naturally. Like the muddy water in the glass, when you left it still enough, the silt will go the bottom, and the water’s clear. What you might do instead, other than focus your mind in your body somewhere(or your breathe) is just ‘observe’ your mind as it is, like when you observe other people. Is your mind confusing?, can’t stop thinking?, fine, be whatever it want. Is your mind calm?, that’s fine, too, but don’t expect it to be calm forever, because it won’t, and that’s also fine. You don’t judge it, you don’t expect what you want to feels because you heard other people said that. You just observe it with non-judgemental, neutral feeling. In fact, don’t even care about how long you’ve practice it, because that also raise the expectation ‘Why did my mind is not calm even after months+ of practice?’ and it’ll pressure you to force your mind to calm even more. Some day you feel good, some day you feel sleepy, some day you confusing, and that’s ok — you just did it, everyday. My mentor said that your mind is like growing a tree, you can’t force it to grow into giant tree instantly. You just water it, everyday. The change is not even noticeable, but after awhile when you look back, you’ll see how much the plant growth. The peaceful feeling will come naturally when your mind is ready enough. Good luck mate!