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While a different situation, I had a pretty rough childhood and felt very similarly (feeling of disaster always looming). It took a long, long time to reprogram

While a different situation, I had a pretty rough childhood and felt very similarly (feeling of disaster always looming). It took a long, long time to reprogram myself from constantly thinking "yeah alright, I got a promotion... But I know my new manager is going to fire me any minute". Or while I was still in school "sure, THIS test went well but I know something stupid will ruin my big project". All of the anxiety would also cause disasters! e.g. Over-studying and staying up too late leading to being late for tests in the morning. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy! It took a long time to just let myself be successful without worrying that it would all fall out from under me. Let yourself be happy: you're financially stable and in a good marriage which is better than A LOT of people can say. Bad shit will always happen, but at least you're in a position to deal with it! Be prepared (savings, insurance, keeping your marriage happy) and roll with it rather than being terrified of it.

gammateam 8y ago
Try a form of consequentialist nihilism I think it helps, a framework for you to realize what matters and what doesnt, with a focus on how it helps a beneficial consequence Like, are you over studying because you might die if you dont know how to do something? Or is it just a less optimal habit
- DyslexicAtheist 8y ago
  nihilism and existentialism helped me overcome quite a lot. things like Thomas Ligotti's "The Conspiracy Against the Human Race", and Emil Cioran's "The trouble with being born" have opened my eyes to a new way of thinking that doesn't revolve around societies fetishism of positivity & optimism.
  - Gatsky 8y ago
    I think that nihilism is only useful in a fairly narrow set of circumstances, namely the otherwise healthy and succesful young to middle aged person suffering from ennui. I spend a lot of time with people that are dying (for work, not for fun). I can tell you that nihilism is cold comfort for them.
    - thisismyswamp 8y ago
      What do you mean by cold comfort?
      - lazyasciiart 8y ago
        It's a phrase meaning basically "is no comfort".
      - cordonbleu 8y ago
        this reminds me of the "cold shoulder" when someone of ill repute came to dine they would be given the cold shoulder, a gristly fatty hunk of bone and maybe some meat, left unheated and tossed to the not quite welcome guest.
        DyslexicAtheist 8y ago
        interesting! I had no idea. there are probably hundreds of proverbs which I don't actually know the origin. Must get myself some book on this. It is really a basic knowledge which we happily forget over time.
    - Swizec 8y ago
      I personally have found nihilism useful because if nothing matters then I can do whatever I want as long as I can bear the consequences. It’s very freeing in that way. When it comes to being afraid of the consequences, stoicism and negative visualisation helps a lot. What’s the worst that can happen? Oh I’ve been in that spot before, that’s not so bad.
zamfi 8y ago
> Bad shit will always happen, but at least you're in a position to deal with it! I think this is pretty key and doesn't get enough attention. In child psych they talk about "resilience", the ability to get back on your feet when something knocks you down. It's hugely helpful for kids. But it's also critical for adults, and especially successful adults who frankly don't have a lot of experience being knocked down and getting back up again. I suspect that most anxious successful adults underestimate their own ability to bounce back from failure -- many of us think that we got super lucky and at any time something could destroy it all, not thinking about how would take advantage of other opportunities already available in the face of failure in one domain. I suspect another piece of this is the lack of spare resources (money, time) to handle external shocks. We're so busy that when one thing goes wrong and needs extra attention/money/time, we know it comes at the expense of something else -- and we feel that expense strongly. Curious for others' thoughts on these.
- airstrike 8y ago
  > But it's also critical for adults, and especially successful adults who frankly don't have a lot of experience being knocked down and getting back up again. This is a point that certainly needs to be raised more often. Thanks for making me aware of it.
- ndiscussion 8y ago
  Counterpoint: chronically stressed children are left with frantic nervous systems and don't learn how to self-soothe. Being chronically stressed for tens of years is incredibly damaging to a body and mind. Childhood trauma and PTSD are little better than a death sentence. Of course, not every child who gets knocked down has trauma. But there's a lot of evidence that people with "rough childhoods" just grow up to have "rough adulthoods". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adverse_Childhood_Experiences_Study https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adverse_Childhood_Experiences_...
  - cordonbleu 8y ago
    quite some time ago a co-relation was established between resiliency and the ability of the child to discover ad hoc foster parents. the island of stability normalcy and reasonable expectations created by a child when self-adopting a foster parent, seems to have a great bearing on who survives the traumatic childhood. I am one such child, having experienced extreme and daily physical and psychological abuse for more than 10 years and i have very severe difficulties with wanting to be socially active but feeling extremely pained by the interaction. I feel more in tune with people who are at least 20 years my senior and i am sure this is a result of self fostering
bluntfang 8y ago
Your post is akin to telling a depressed person to stop being depressed. You can't just tell someone to stop having anxiety. That's not how the illness works.
- cordonbleu 8y ago
  i began to realize at an early age that the anxiety and depression were simply neurological sensations, and can be borne locked in a caged, like working with a migraine instead of tapping out for a sick day. It never goes away, you just get on top of it as something that you inextricably are, like having a scar or poor eyesight. its called emotional repression.
  - JauntyHatAngle 8y ago
    That's your way of dealing with it, I also have that ability. But not everyone does, nor can everyone learn it, people are unique and often incompatible with what works with other people in a way that cannot be changed. You can't reasonably expect everyone to use the method that has worked for you, because your method is unique to you and in many cases is completely impossible to use for others, especially those with hard wired responses to trauma.
    - cordonbleu 8y ago
      of course. most kids that experience as i have are dead at thier own hand or an abusers. i am told i am also gifted with a very high score on wechsler. that is also a mitigating factor, as well as what ever geneticaly based wiring is in play.

gammateam 8y ago

Try a form of consequentialist nihilism I think it helps, a framework for you to realize what matters and what doesnt, with a focus on how it helps a beneficial consequence Like, are you over studying because you might die if you dont know how to do something? Or is it just a less optimal habit

DyslexicAtheist 8y ago
nihilism and existentialism helped me overcome quite a lot. things like Thomas Ligotti's "The Conspiracy Against the Human Race", and Emil Cioran's "The trouble with being born" have opened my eyes to a new way of thinking that doesn't revolve around societies fetishism of positivity & optimism.
- Gatsky 8y ago
  I think that nihilism is only useful in a fairly narrow set of circumstances, namely the otherwise healthy and succesful young to middle aged person suffering from ennui. I spend a lot of time with people that are dying (for work, not for fun). I can tell you that nihilism is cold comfort for them.
  - thisismyswamp 8y ago
    What do you mean by cold comfort?
    - lazyasciiart 8y ago
      It's a phrase meaning basically "is no comfort".
    - cordonbleu 8y ago
      this reminds me of the "cold shoulder" when someone of ill repute came to dine they would be given the cold shoulder, a gristly fatty hunk of bone and maybe some meat, left unheated and tossed to the not quite welcome guest.
      - DyslexicAtheist 8y ago
        interesting! I had no idea. there are probably hundreds of proverbs which I don't actually know the origin. Must get myself some book on this. It is really a basic knowledge which we happily forget over time.
  - Swizec 8y ago
    I personally have found nihilism useful because if nothing matters then I can do whatever I want as long as I can bear the consequences. It’s very freeing in that way. When it comes to being afraid of the consequences, stoicism and negative visualisation helps a lot. What’s the worst that can happen? Oh I’ve been in that spot before, that’s not so bad.

zamfi 8y ago

> Bad shit will always happen, but at least you're in a position to deal with it! I think this is pretty key and doesn't get enough attention. In child psych they talk about "resilience", the ability to get back on your feet when something knocks you down. It's hugely helpful for kids. But it's also critical for adults, and especially successful adults who frankly don't have a lot of experience being knocked down and getting back up again. I suspect that most anxious successful adults underestimate their own ability to bounce back from failure -- many of us think that we got super lucky and at any time something could destroy it all, not thinking about how would take advantage of other opportunities already available in the face of failure in one domain. I suspect another piece of this is the lack of spare resources (money, time) to handle external shocks. We're so busy that when one thing goes wrong and needs extra attention/money/time, we know it comes at the expense of something else -- and we feel that expense strongly. Curious for others' thoughts on these.

airstrike 8y ago
> But it's also critical for adults, and especially successful adults who frankly don't have a lot of experience being knocked down and getting back up again. This is a point that certainly needs to be raised more often. Thanks for making me aware of it.
ndiscussion 8y ago
Counterpoint: chronically stressed children are left with frantic nervous systems and don't learn how to self-soothe. Being chronically stressed for tens of years is incredibly damaging to a body and mind. Childhood trauma and PTSD are little better than a death sentence. Of course, not every child who gets knocked down has trauma. But there's a lot of evidence that people with "rough childhoods" just grow up to have "rough adulthoods". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adverse_Childhood_Experiences_Study https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adverse_Childhood_Experiences_...
- cordonbleu 8y ago
  quite some time ago a co-relation was established between resiliency and the ability of the child to discover ad hoc foster parents. the island of stability normalcy and reasonable expectations created by a child when self-adopting a foster parent, seems to have a great bearing on who survives the traumatic childhood. I am one such child, having experienced extreme and daily physical and psychological abuse for more than 10 years and i have very severe difficulties with wanting to be socially active but feeling extremely pained by the interaction. I feel more in tune with people who are at least 20 years my senior and i am sure this is a result of self fostering

bluntfang 8y ago

Your post is akin to telling a depressed person to stop being depressed. You can't just tell someone to stop having anxiety. That's not how the illness works.

cordonbleu 8y ago
i began to realize at an early age that the anxiety and depression were simply neurological sensations, and can be borne locked in a caged, like working with a migraine instead of tapping out for a sick day. It never goes away, you just get on top of it as something that you inextricably are, like having a scar or poor eyesight. its called emotional repression.
- JauntyHatAngle 8y ago
  That's your way of dealing with it, I also have that ability. But not everyone does, nor can everyone learn it, people are unique and often incompatible with what works with other people in a way that cannot be changed. You can't reasonably expect everyone to use the method that has worked for you, because your method is unique to you and in many cases is completely impossible to use for others, especially those with hard wired responses to trauma.
  - cordonbleu 8y ago
    of course. most kids that experience as i have are dead at thier own hand or an abusers. i am told i am also gifted with a very high score on wechsler. that is also a mitigating factor, as well as what ever geneticaly based wiring is in play.