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Ask HN: Did you learn any life changing lessons this year?

• askafriend 8y ago
  As a relatively younger person, I definitely had a much different impression/expectation of the American political system than what I'm seeing play out. It seems far more brittle and volatile than I had envisioned it growing up. Now, something sacred like the concept of checks and balances seems a distant ideal at best. Was the "adult perception" that government is always this chaotic, am I just more perceptive to all the machinations now that I'm older, or are things really "different this time"? I'd imagine the Bush era was also very chaotic. I guess the lesson learned here is how brittle of a foundation many power structures in the world are built on and how quickly those can shift.
  • war1025 8y ago
    I think government is one of those things that is clean cut and beautiful in the abstract, and an absolute clusterfuck in reality. There are plenty of people who would say the same thing about the Obama era. It really just depends what team you're rooting for. The thing, in my opinion, that is the single biggest merit of the American political system is that reality that most people are self-interested jerks is built in. People are expected to not see eye to eye, the "checks and balances" are in place not to make us all agree, but to keep things functioning well enough that we don't turn violent.
• znpy 8y ago
  Well I learnt to take nothing for granted at work. I've seen long-standing equilibriums crumble in a short timespan, after having been in place for eons. I've also learnt that while money is not everything, it's definitely something that should be kept high on the list of priorities.
  • dman 8y ago
    I will echo the first thing you said. Things are always more unstable than they appear (especially if things appear very stable).
    • techsin101 8y ago
      Interested in more examples
• drharby 8y ago
  Self respect is a healthy function of 360 critical feedback
  • sethammons 8y ago
    This is an interesting one. Mind going a bit deeper? I read it as: 360 feedback can provide a narrow view or extreme view in either direction, and you are not beholden to the self-image that others label you. Respect what you know about yourself and take the 360 as a data point to reflect upon. Not sure if I read that right though.
• strikelaserclaw 8y ago
  I've learned that if you don't make a decision, that decision will be made for you. This is the most important lesson i learned this year. Never procrastinate on making important decisions, be decisive and be ready to weather consequences.
  • RickS 8y ago
    I heard a really similar thing about suffering – which can be a decision if you want it to be. Choose what you'll suffer for, or someone else will choose for you. In other words, you're going to hurt, and struggle, and have your patience tried for something. Pick something you actually want and suffer intentionally for it, or you'll suffer for nothing as a consequence of trying to avoid hardship.
    • drieddust 8y ago
      I am stealing this quote from you. It is print worthy. On similar lines I have started to feel that happy life is not necessarily a good life. Often they don't gel together well. Unhappy struggle for the principle is way better than living a false Facebook Happy Life.
      • RickS 8y ago
        I don't own that quote – I wish I could claim to have known that innately rather than having to hear and learn it in times of pain. The thing you said about happy life not being good life is dead on IMO. Happiness != comfort != meaning. Optimize for meaning. I didn't attribute this quote because hackernews relentlessly downvotes him, but I learned all of this from Jordan Peterson, who has done more than most other people for helping me unfuck my life and be a better man. He's a problematic dude sometimes, including his takes on climate science, but his youtube courses Maps of Meaning are immensely insightful if you're willing to suspend disbelief and listen abstractly and in good faith.
        • drieddust 8y ago
          Thanks Watched introduction and he seems like a reasonable man. Guess he have his blindspots.
• RickS 8y ago
  So many. Really good year. Lots of them feel like I've been in a cave for awhile and am just coming back, so maybe these are table stakes for other people. 1) Intentional vulnerability Intentional vulnerability is really good stuff. Withholding emotions to look stoic, or out of shame that it's "not manly" to feel them, or because feelings are somehow lesser for being irrational.. all really toxic ways of being, and the irony is that they'll keep you right in that place where you don't want to be. This year, I've made a point of trying to connect with people by being honest about the shit that's hard in my life, especially when people extend tiny branches of their own hardships. Leaning in, and showing that you're available to talk about sensitive things gently gets other people to open up so much more, and then they're relieved to have someone to share those parts of their life with, and it becomes a positive cycle of intimacy instead of a negative cycle of tentative emotional withholding. The depth and breath of my relationships has exploded since I've started doing this. ---- 2) Don't try to make relationships things they're not. Meet people as who they are, where they are. Another thing I've learned is that not everybody is going to want to play that game. Fair enough! It's scary, and intimate, and it's unreasonable to try and make every relationship that particular brand. Sometimes the move is to leave it alone and let people open up on their own schedule, if ever, and just meet them where they are. Other times, I've discovered that people who've been in my life a long time have really toxic aversions to self inspection and self improvement, and that had never come to a head because we were both content being dishonest about our inner lives, but once I started being more open, it made sense to phase them out because the relationships didn't feel healthy. "Fuck yes or no" is a thing I got from Mark Manson[1] I made some messes by pursuing, and sometimes settling for, romantic relationships that were mediocre fits. Life is too short. [1] https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes ---- 3) Therapy. Not just for crazies. Best use of money in 2018. Therapy is in the top 5 things I ever did for myself. Probably behind getting a computer and going to college, in terms of transformative outcomes. I had a lot of ideas about how my mind worked, and where my problems started, how I behaved, and how I could behave, and most of them were wrong to some degree. Exploring this stuff with a professional really pays for itself in a hurry. Recommended for all people, even if you don't think whatever you have going on is "worth" going to therapy over. ----- 4) Taking the first leap, giving trust space to grow OP, while I can understand your situation, I worry that your stance there is too hard-line in the other direction. "Provider Hero" doesn't sound like a healthy thing to be – it's not your responsibility to be the sole source of stability or resources for the people in your life, especially if they're making the kind of messes that call for Heroes. But to be the opposite, or to never be able to step into that role, feels like a bad thing too. It can be immensely meaningful to provide for people who are genuinely in need, and who are grateful. I know I've got friends who have done that for me and it's meant the world. I might be reading too far into your mood from just a single sentence, but don't make the mistake of burying that part of yourself just because it got burned once. It could be that you're making the world better, and it's the people on the otherside that should be modifying their behavior. I was going through some stuff with a friend that really tried my trust. I had told him some pretty private stuff, and tried to set some boundaries, and he had behaved intentionally in a way that violated them – a few times. I met for tea with our mutual friend, told him the situation, and asked what I could do. I really didn't want to leave my friend behind, since he was really great in every other way, but this boundary issue was an absolute dealbreaker. His advice was really helpful: He told me to go back and have a serious conversation, and reassert the boundaries, because there's a chance I wasn't clear enough the first time about what my needs were, and what my expectations were, and that's on me. It's my responsibility to make sure there's no ambiguity between me and my friend about how things are supposed to be. And then after that? I was terrified to put my friend back in a situation where he could cross that line again, because it hurt a lot, but I had to let him back in. It only works if you give them the space to prove that they're able to respect the boundaries. If I kept trying to avoid situations where I'd have a problem, I'd be stuck living in doubt about whether my friend really had my back. I took his advice. We had a great conversation, it's gotten better since. I'm glad I listened. I tell that story not so much for the part about letting these people back in your life – maybe they really exploitative – but more for the bit about needing to put yourself on the line instead of shying away. In order to have trust grow, you have to give people opportunities to be trustworthy, and that means giving them opportunities to be untrustworthy, and maybe getting hurt. It sucks to play that game and lose, but even if you lose a lot, learn stuff and play it again. Don't quit. --- I don't know if this is something people found useful. One of my goals in 2019 is to write more, so if things in here resonated and you'd like expansion, please feel free to let me know. Likewise, if I'm longwinded and annoying, please let me know that too :)
• natalyarostova 8y ago
  I deferred design decisions to people I thought knew more than me, due to still being relatively new to the field, and it turns out I was (probably) right, and just didn't have the confidence to assert my reasons. Outside of HN topics, I learned that nothing really matters outside of the health of your family.
• zergov 8y ago
  I learned to shut up and let things be when it does not concern me.
  • drieddust 8y ago
    Great advise, I am guilty of taking sides/playing hero without knowing the details is important.
• squirrelicus 8y ago
  This year I learned that God is real. I'd been an atheist since 14 and have spent the majority of my life an atheist. I believed that there was insufficient evidence for the existence of God. In many ways I still believe that. I dont believe in a magic transdimensional entity most people believe in when they talk about God. However, much like you feel the spirit of celebration when your team scores a goal, or the spirit of accomplishment when you complete a difficult task, or the spirit of Ares when your kid dumps a cup of water on your computer and laughs in your face, God is the spirit of knowing the right thing to do. God is, at least, a very real force that exists, in part, within us all in Western culture. We've inherited God. That's my conclusion anyway. To be clear, I'm Christian now, as of August. I take the Bible seriously now. But to be extra clear, I believe it's all metaphor. Metaphor that tells you deep truths about yourself. For those interested, the catalyst for me was Jordan Peterson's series "The Psychological Significance of the Biblical Stories", available in full for free on YouTube
  • WaddyJones 8y ago
    That’s not your conclusion that’s Peterson’s conclusion and it is highly erroneous. You can’t just redefine God and then state that you believe in Him. You clearly do not believe in the popular conception of God so don’t pretend you do. You believe in a highly niche and specialized definition of God that literally zero religious people agree with. You don’t believe “God is real,” and you’re definitely not Christian dude. What you just stated is heresy to even the least religious of Christians. Don’t kid yourself, You’re not religious , you just like Jordan Peterson a lot. Lmaoooo
  • RickS 8y ago
    I know what you mean. JP's biblical lectures were the first thing that made the concept of "God" as a framework for conduct and interacting with the world into something that was accessible to someone that doesn't believe in fairy tales. I wouldn't call myself a Christian – I'm athiest, or at least uninterested in prioritizing any diety concept above any other – but being able to finally "get" what (some) religious people see in their texts was awesome. The biggest help was basically learning to steelman the texts. Rather than viewing them as default stupid and looking for chinks in the armor, viewing them as containing something abstract but useful that I didn't understand and attempting to meditate on what that might be and why it might work has been valuable.
• philwelch 8y ago
  Here’s another interesting perspective on the “Provider Hero” thing you mentioned: https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/kobe-bryant-letter-to-my-younger-self https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/kobe-bryant...
  • drieddust 8y ago
    Thanks, it makes so much sense. In my case some of the people were so wise and trustworthy that I never realised they were taking me for a ride.
• naavis 8y ago
  I learned that I need coworkers and a proper work community. Joining a good company as an employee after running my own business from home feels like such a great breath of fresh air.
  • drieddust 8y ago
    That is an interesting choice. Most people try to go from Employee to Business.
  • jerriep 8y ago
    I went the same route. After six years of freelancing and remote work, I decided to head back to a permanent job and into the office to seek out the community that it offers.
    • ishjoh 8y ago
      if your old freelancing clients are looking for someone to fill your shoes drop me a line, i'd love to chat with them.
• ejanus 8y ago
  Yes! Learnt the importance of good abstraction and beautiful code.
• coralreef 8y ago
  I learned that withdrawing into yourself when an asshole treats your poorly is the wrong thing to do. Shutting out may feel comfortable and safe, but leaves you unaccustomed to dealing with emotional disturbances. It makes you soft. If you are upset by someone else, it's only because you've let their negativity into you, so to speak. The world has an endless supply of assholes, and tomorrow you may face another one. Fortify your mind by maintaining your course.
  • drdeadringer 8y ago
    This is interesting because in addition to "flight // fight" there is also "freeze" which sounds a bit like what you are talking about. Learning how to overcome "freeze" as a reaction may be a good idea in some situations.
    • coralreef 8y ago
      Could be, but semantics allows it to fulfill the flight definition as well. As in, we are fleeing from confrontation, or we are avoiding the things we would normally do/feel.
  • charlysl 8y ago
    I learned from Sapolky's Biology of Human Behaviour that most species, including some bacteria and female bats, naturally have an almost optimal strategy (according to game theory) when dealing with situations like the one you described: you always treat others nicely by default, but as soon they behave like asses you respond in kind, but then, as soon as they are nice (again?), so are you. My wife had issues like yours in the office this year, and I advised her just like this. Worked like a charm.
• shahbaby 8y ago
  I've learned a lot this year. 1. Relationships: After surviving my divorce, I was more grateful than ever to live the bachelor life but it was not until I decided that I never want to enter another relationship that I was able to fully redirect my energy towards other areas of my life. 2. Diet: - Carbs: People are becoming obese because excessive sugar has become a normalized addition to their diet. - OMAD: Not only is it possible to eat once a day without adverse side effects, it's actually healthy to do so. - Extended fasting: It's even possible to go for multiple days without eating if you manage your electrolytes (look up snake diet on youtube) and this also has great benefits. 3. Listen to more music: It's one of the simplest ways to alter your mood for the better.
  • mortivore 8y ago
    As a former fat guy, on number 2, it's more than just sugar. It's quantity. Skinny/normal people really just don't get how much food a fat person eats. It's insane. Like the thing you mention about skipping meals, fat people don't do that unless it's to skip the fifth meal.
    • shahbaby 8y ago
      Most people do not count calories. They eat until they feel full and this usually worked out okay. But now things like white bread, cereal and pancakes have become a regular staple of their diets. These high carb, low fiber foods have a lesser effect on satiety, so people consume more calories before they feel full and the excessive level of carbs in their system discourages their body from burning the fat they already have. An important thing to realize is that the physical fat that you have on you is fuel. When/what you eat determines whether or not your body uses that source of fuel.
  • drivers99 8y ago
    I was thinking of saying the same thing about item 2. It goes along with my book recommendation from the book recommendation thread: The Obesity Code, by Jason Fung M.D. (And/or his Aetiology of Obesity YouTube videos.) For one thing it made me realize why my original "scientific" (I thought) plan for weight loss by counting calories compared to what FitBit thought my calorie expenditure was didn't actually work. For one thing, I didn't know that if you're eating insulinogenic foods (which isn't the same as high glycemic foods), eating frequent, small meals, your energy expenditure actually can decrease. That's something those BMR calculators don't consider at all. But if you are fasting, it actually goes up. Ah, I see you are also familiar with the snake diet guy. He's a bit out there sometimes. (Last weekend he did a live video of eating several pounds of raw beef.) Where he is aligned with Jason Fung, I can get behind him.
• bg24 8y ago
  I learnt that age is more than a number. Take care of health and not be afraid to learn new things as I continue working beyond 40.
• akeck 8y ago
  Get more sleep.
• DoreenMichele 8y ago
  Fasting (or semi-fasting, actually -- I have never done a water fast) is good for my medical condition. My terrible headaches are mostly gone now.
• techsin101 8y ago
  I learned... I do get burned out. Intermittent fasting works. React redux is clunky together at best. To stop complaining to others, on internet, and to my self, it kicks starts cycle of medicority. Phrase next Facebook won't look like Facebook really settled in when I saw rise of twitch despite there being YouTube. Very few actually want to do startups or at least sacrifice that a founder ought to make. There are no Junior jobs in tech. Skill gap is either imaginary or only applicable to senior Dev jobs. It further cemented that having a degree from ivy college is an extreme advantage to every state of startup... Except maybe finding product fit. Definitely a plus when trying to get funding, find cofounder, get University perks, even in b2b getting them on board. Realization I don't have enough life experience to know of problems that could be startup idea... And I don't know how to solve it. Telling someone you're going to do something is great way to never do it.
  • drieddust 8y ago
    > React redux is clunky together at best. Haha, as a dabbler I tried React quickly realized it's meant for big teams who can take their own sweet time gluing components to routers,routers to services and so on. Angular on the other-hand provides everything under one single framework which is a huge advantage if you are the only one working. > It further cemented that having a degree from ivy college is an extreme advantage to every state of startup... I realized this too late in life.
  • karmakaze 8y ago
    > Telling someone you're going to do something is great way to never do it. This is very interesting and unexpected. I'd always thought that telling someone would help with follow-through since you're now committed. On a side-project I was working on, it started out well, but as I kept discussing what was next, I found myself completing less and less. The trick here must then be just to discuss what you've completed and any discussions of next steps should be open rather than 'decided'.
    • techsin101 8y ago
      it's like getting that satisfaction and after you have had it by telling someone then relatively speaking actually doing it isn't going to make you look that much better. it's like when you tell someone you get 70% social boost. When you do it it's only 30% short term boost in social status, but who cares about 30%. You already got the most out of this whole deal BEFORE the hardwork. I've found even telling people when you 95% done affects hugely. Don't tell, dont brag, dont show off, in fact try to hide so people can't connect dots and find you on linkedin.
• quickthrower2 8y ago
  I need to expect less of myself and rest more, until I figure out what is causing fatigue. But I’d love to do some mild exercise on a regular basis. Also learned to enjoy family’s more important than chasing dollars.
• tetek 8y ago
  I learned not to allow scarcity impair my judgement.
• Imanari2 8y ago
  Your Environment is more powerful than you willpower. I found that to be very true. After 2 years abroad and living through a lot of very intense experiences and changes I thought I was a "new man", and indeed, I learned and changed a lot. Then when I came back home I hang out with my old friends in our old places and I fell back into my old behavior immediately. That's why its so hard to start working out at home, because your walls of your apartment\house tell you to keep doing what you always do in there, i.e. not working out.
  • drieddust 8y ago
    I think all those pop psychology books have done a great disservice to us. It give us false confidence that by applying some " principles" you will influence the situation and arrive at a better outcome. In reality you influence nothing unless you have something they want.
  • ishjoh 8y ago
    Change is hard, and like you said it's easy to fall into the same old habits. Something that has worked for me is to change something small at first. Maybe redecorate your room a little bit, or always make your bed, or always keep your room clean. Then build off of that. You're in your old city again, but you don't have to go to the places you used to, try a new lunch/dinner/beer spot. You spent 2 years abroad, you have the ability to adventure, and there's probably a ton of new people and experiences awaiting you if you get back off the beaten path in the very city you live.
• sidcool 8y ago
  There is something like too much devotion, to anything. I have learnt to not lose your health to a cause, a career or a person. Secondly, family is everything.
• slimshady94 8y ago
  Immigrated to a new country and went back to school. Both academically and socially, learnt the same lesson - don't quit. Also learnt that there's a time and place for everything - if you miss that window of opportunity, it doesn't matter how hard you grind later on.
• zapzupnz 8y ago
  This year was my first year in a paid job of any kind. I was 27, 28 now. That's relatively late in one's life to have one's first job, but I was a professional student — I kept studying post-grad until there was nothing left for me to do. I really enjoyed working, and I don't know why I put it off for so long. That said, I miss academia, too. So, life goal, maybe get a job in a uni or college so I can dip my toes back into academic stuff when it's feasible to do so. Probably idealistic, but I feel invigorated and ready to take on whatever challenges lie ahead to achieve my goals, something I was a bit scared to do before this year.
• veddox 8y ago
  It's all about the people. As a very task-oriented person, this is a lesson I've known for years I ought to learn, but only really understood this year. Of course, executing a task well is important - but in the end, if you don't do it to help other people, what's the point? I've been a leader and a teacher this year, two jobs whose technical aspects/tasks I very much enjoy. And yet I found the most fulfilling thing about them to be the input I get to have into other peoples' lives; the fact that I get to invest myself into others. Because it's all about the people.
• akulbe 8y ago
  I've learned that I can work until I drop... but if I don't prioritize my health, I've got nothing. I mean this mostly for physical health, but it could as easily apply to mental and emotional health too.
• JoshCalbet 8y ago
  There is so much inertia in a big organization if you want to do something, it is better not to ask and work on it and keep pushing things forward until someone explicitly ask you to stop. It is not productive and possibly dangerous to be waiting for approval or even guidance, when there is so many things to do and no one offer to help, stop looking for guidance, dive deep into the code, solve the problems and make a defense of your solutions. That was a life changing lesson. I became more productive I got rejections a couple of times, but the rate of success was way more than I expected.
  • drieddust 8y ago
    But why do you want to take initiatives nobody wants? I have been your shoe a lot of times and it usually ends in your work of useful openly taken advantage of with no attribution. So unless you are in right position, don't do it. A have resorted to running these ideas as personal project outside work.
• Kevin_S 8y ago
  I learned I'm more capable than I imagined. I was a mediocre student through HS and undergrad, and managed to talk my way into a really good PhD program I started this fall. All the other students were stellar students and just seemed so much more qualified, and I really doubted if I could make it. I did well enough in my fall classes (hardest math I've ever taken, skipping multiple pre reqs) to move on and I feel I've found my research interest at least for now. I'm excited every day to work on my research/coding and honestly am 100x happier than I was at my old job even though I'm working about 5x the hours. I was really worried from the get-go I would not be able to pass the hard classes. But shit, I did it! I feel I can just do so much more. Sorry for the ramble haha.
  • sgillen 8y ago
    Awesome dude! I was in a really similar situation last year. I still felt I was unqualified until earlier this year (oh I passed that class but it was supposed to be easy etc etc). But I passed the “screening exam” that many very qualified driven students fail the first time. That definitely helped with the imposter syndrome.