4 ms·

There’s no such thing as a top x% of men, what an absurd notion. Nobody judges their mates on the same criteria. For every woman that ends up in a heterosexua

There’s no such thing as a top x% of men, what an absurd notion. Nobody judges their mates on the same criteria. For every woman that ends up in a heterosexual membership, a man also does, so the idea that women are pickier than men in who they end up in a relationship with is provably false on its face.

lotsofpulp 8y ago
If there are a few preferences shared by so many people, then you can effectively say top % in those, such as height, income/wealth, education, attractiveness.
- empath75 8y ago
  Vanishingly few people are in the top percentiles in all those metrics, and you still haven’t accounted for personality, interesting hobbies, similar interests and cultural backgrounds, etc. I was no where near the top percentage in any of those metrics except for being 6 feet tall and I had no problem at all hooking up on okcupid when I was still using it. Personality accounts for a lot and I think a lot of people who bomb out on those apps want to focus on superficial attributes because they don’t want to work on hard personality issues that are really causing their issues. I was a late bloomer who lost my virginity in my early 20s and it took a lot of work to realize that the only thing preventing me from dating was my own toxic personality. Once I started doing fun things and being a fun person to be around, dating started happening naturally.
  - BonesJustice 8y ago
    ding ding ding The number one rule in dating is “be attractive”, and I mean that in the broadest sense: be someone that other people want to be around. It doesn’t mean you have to be devastatingly good looking (lord knows I’m not), but if you are comfortable with yourself, have a sense of humor, have compelling things to say, and can demonstrate that in your online dating profile, then you won’t have a hard time finding dates. At least that was my experience 4+ years ago on OkCupid (where I eventually met my fiancée). Granted, I think the move towards Tinder-style swiping puts too much emphasis on looks for first impressions. I’m disappointed by the path OkC has taken since being acquired by Match. Addendum: In light of the trend towards Tinder-style swiping, it's probably worth touching on looks and appearances. Keep in mind that this goes far beyond natural good looks (or lack thereof). Part of the whole 'confidence' thing is showing that you care about yourself. In your photos and on your dates, you should be well groomed. That means being clean cut: a nice haircut, and if you are partial to facial hair, make sure it's well maintained. Wear clothes that look good and feel comfortable. If style isn't your forte, take a trip to Nordstrom -- they have personal stylists that can help you put together a classy wardrobe. Take advantage of their holiday and anniversary sales. Take good photos. If you have a friend who's a hobbyist photographer, bribe them with a bottle of their favorite beverage to take some quality shots. If you don't, consider hiring a professional. Selfies and poorly-lit indoor shots do not go over well. And unless you're at the beach in your photos, for heaven's sake wear a shirt. Lastly, get some feedback. There's a pretty supportive OkCupid subreddit[1] where people will generally be willing to give you feedback on your profile and photos, but you have to be receptive and genuinely want to improve. I've seen the difference it can make, and it's really quite astonishing. [1] https://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/
    - AnIdiotOnTheNet 8y ago
      In my experience asking for feedback on your profile and photos is a great way to make your profile and photos look just like everybody else's.
      - deleted 8y ago
        [deleted]
  - lotsofpulp 8y ago
    You don’t need to be top percentile in all categories, but being within 1 standard deviation in many of those categories results in quite a few people, hence the top 20% of men getting a disproportionate amount of attention.
    - BonesJustice 8y ago
      It's true that very good looking people will have no trouble getting dates for every night of the week. But if you take care of yourself and put effort into your online profile, average looking people should have no trouble finding a date or two a week.
1123581321 8y ago
This has been studied and male height, shape and income generally rate favorably. I’m sure that for any particular man there is a woman who is attracted to him, but discoverability is an issue to to their positions on the bell curve. And if you read the article you will see that men and women aren’t pairing one-to-one as much as they used to. It’s also not absurd or probably false to suggest there are people who get left out of dating when it’s obvious to most people anecdotally, in addition to statistics from dating sites and studies. I see from your other comment that you are someone who worked hard to overcome dating issues, and that’s awesome and I agree the direction unsuccessful people should take, but the fact that some need to work on themselves more and later in life than others should tip you off to the distribution laws in effect here. Here’s an example of a study that’s been done: http://psycnet.apa.org/buy/1996-14246-001 http://psycnet.apa.org/buy/1996-14246-001
alecbenzer 8y ago
That's definitely not proof; there's other explanations. E.g., maybe women take longer to lower their standards, so while eventually they become less picky, as a whole women might have higher standards. Maybe the extent to which we're at below 100% "matched" is due to higher standards by one side.
odiroot 8y ago
You forget that people not only form pairs and in modern dating culture polygamy is more and more common.
- turtlecloud 8y ago
  Yes I don’t think it’s good that the media is normalizing it.
- ivrrimum 8y ago
  And that could potentially cause catastrophic consequences.

lotsofpulp 8y ago

If there are a few preferences shared by so many people, then you can effectively say top % in those, such as height, income/wealth, education, attractiveness.

empath75 8y ago
Vanishingly few people are in the top percentiles in all those metrics, and you still haven’t accounted for personality, interesting hobbies, similar interests and cultural backgrounds, etc. I was no where near the top percentage in any of those metrics except for being 6 feet tall and I had no problem at all hooking up on okcupid when I was still using it. Personality accounts for a lot and I think a lot of people who bomb out on those apps want to focus on superficial attributes because they don’t want to work on hard personality issues that are really causing their issues. I was a late bloomer who lost my virginity in my early 20s and it took a lot of work to realize that the only thing preventing me from dating was my own toxic personality. Once I started doing fun things and being a fun person to be around, dating started happening naturally.
- BonesJustice 8y ago
  ding ding ding The number one rule in dating is “be attractive”, and I mean that in the broadest sense: be someone that other people want to be around. It doesn’t mean you have to be devastatingly good looking (lord knows I’m not), but if you are comfortable with yourself, have a sense of humor, have compelling things to say, and can demonstrate that in your online dating profile, then you won’t have a hard time finding dates. At least that was my experience 4+ years ago on OkCupid (where I eventually met my fiancée). Granted, I think the move towards Tinder-style swiping puts too much emphasis on looks for first impressions. I’m disappointed by the path OkC has taken since being acquired by Match. Addendum: In light of the trend towards Tinder-style swiping, it's probably worth touching on looks and appearances. Keep in mind that this goes far beyond natural good looks (or lack thereof). Part of the whole 'confidence' thing is showing that you care about yourself. In your photos and on your dates, you should be well groomed. That means being clean cut: a nice haircut, and if you are partial to facial hair, make sure it's well maintained. Wear clothes that look good and feel comfortable. If style isn't your forte, take a trip to Nordstrom -- they have personal stylists that can help you put together a classy wardrobe. Take advantage of their holiday and anniversary sales. Take good photos. If you have a friend who's a hobbyist photographer, bribe them with a bottle of their favorite beverage to take some quality shots. If you don't, consider hiring a professional. Selfies and poorly-lit indoor shots do not go over well. And unless you're at the beach in your photos, for heaven's sake wear a shirt. Lastly, get some feedback. There's a pretty supportive OkCupid subreddit[1] where people will generally be willing to give you feedback on your profile and photos, but you have to be receptive and genuinely want to improve. I've seen the difference it can make, and it's really quite astonishing. [1] https://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OkCupid/
  - AnIdiotOnTheNet 8y ago
    In my experience asking for feedback on your profile and photos is a great way to make your profile and photos look just like everybody else's.
    - deleted 8y ago
      [deleted]
- lotsofpulp 8y ago
  You don’t need to be top percentile in all categories, but being within 1 standard deviation in many of those categories results in quite a few people, hence the top 20% of men getting a disproportionate amount of attention.
  - BonesJustice 8y ago
    It's true that very good looking people will have no trouble getting dates for every night of the week. But if you take care of yourself and put effort into your online profile, average looking people should have no trouble finding a date or two a week.

1123581321 8y ago

This has been studied and male height, shape and income generally rate favorably. I’m sure that for any particular man there is a woman who is attracted to him, but discoverability is an issue to to their positions on the bell curve. And if you read the article you will see that men and women aren’t pairing one-to-one as much as they used to. It’s also not absurd or probably false to suggest there are people who get left out of dating when it’s obvious to most people anecdotally, in addition to statistics from dating sites and studies. I see from your other comment that you are someone who worked hard to overcome dating issues, and that’s awesome and I agree the direction unsuccessful people should take, but the fact that some need to work on themselves more and later in life than others should tip you off to the distribution laws in effect here. Here’s an example of a study that’s been done: http://psycnet.apa.org/buy/1996-14246-001 http://psycnet.apa.org/buy/1996-14246-001

alecbenzer 8y ago

That's definitely not proof; there's other explanations. E.g., maybe women take longer to lower their standards, so while eventually they become less picky, as a whole women might have higher standards. Maybe the extent to which we're at below 100% "matched" is due to higher standards by one side.

odiroot 8y ago

You forget that people not only form pairs and in modern dating culture polygamy is more and more common.

turtlecloud 8y ago
Yes I don’t think it’s good that the media is normalizing it.
ivrrimum 8y ago
And that could potentially cause catastrophic consequences.