4 ms·

Everyone around us is fighting their own little war. I've felt similarly to the writer -- I moved out of my childhood home the day after graduating college and

Everyone around us is fighting their own little war. I've felt similarly to the writer -- I moved out of my childhood home the day after graduating college and started work that Monday. I only moved 215 miles (NYC to Boston), but it felt a world away, especially considering most Americans live relatively close to where they grew up and 215 miles in Europe goes a long way. I've made and abandoned friends at almost every stage in my life. I have no idea who will be the best man at my wedding because to be honest my brother probably isn't up to the "responsibilities", but I have no alternative. I now live on the west cost, a tough 6 hour flight away from home. I visited my family this Thanksgiving and am noticing so many changes, people are dying, babies are being born, my cousins who I've always viewed as children are about to graduate college. It's tough being away from home and not feeling like I have roots (I'm considering a move to Seattle or the Bay Area in early 2019), but at every step I've justified my actions because the next step always came with a significant pay increase and more career opportunities. This January will be my 13th anniversary with my high school girlfriend (soon to be fiance). I can't describe how valuable it's been to have someone so close in age (I'm 3 months older) that can relate to the things that I'm going through, and who has my back, and knows that I have hers. Things haven't been easy, but it's become so much more than a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, which is why marriage is in our future. I've met so many fellow millennials who are serial monogamist or date freely, I don't judge them at all and at some times have felt a tinge on envy, and these folks may have a friend or family member who is to them what my girlfriend is to me -- I guess all this is to say that in today's society I just don't know how we can traverse this reality with at least one person who you are tightly integrated with. It's just too tough out there.

toomuchtodo 8y ago
I'm happy to be your best man when the time comes. Email in my profile.
- bitcoinmoney 8y ago
  Me too. But I don’t know how to give funny speeches in the wedding. This resonates with me because I moved from Philippines to USA to pursue my graduate degree. Friends get lost along the way and it’s a big effort to reconnect due to time zone issues. Now married to my wife ( gf of 10 years) and have kids. It’s a difficult but fruitful journey.
- mattcaldwell 8y ago
  Maybe this is why you have "toomuchtodo" ;)
  - toomuchtodo 8y ago
    It's challenging to fit everything enjoyable or worth doing in one lifetime, but I intend to try. :)
- creaghpatr 8y ago
  Sounds like the setup to "I love you, man"
throwanem 8y ago
'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.'
- SirensOfTitan 8y ago
  As an addition, I really love Robert Anton Wilson's flavor of this idea: “under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being.”
  - ripsawridge 8y ago
    Gorgeous, thanks for that!
digianarchist 8y ago
Your story has a similar outline to my own. I moved from the UK to Canada which has been excellent for my career but at the same time has put enormous strain on my relationships as I just don't get to see people thanks to splitting a really shitty vacation allowance (3 weeks Canada wtf). Now I'm torn between putting down roots in Toronto, moving out to the sticks, moving to Europe to be close to everyone or doing the right thing for my career by going to the US.
- muhbags 8y ago
  I am in the exact same situation. I moved to Canada from Europe and it has been really tough thanks to three measly weeks of vacation. I can't remember the last time I have been on a real two+ weeks vacation somewhere that is not my home country. I am thinking about all those same options except the moving to the US thing. Even though I could earn much more money, I don't think that would be worth it living in a country like the US.
  - digianarchist 8y ago
    It's a shame that vacation isn't as easily negotiable as salary. I'd take a 10% hit on salary for every week of vacation. Hell. I'd take a 10% hit on salary for a week of unpaid vacation.
    - marssaxman 8y ago
      I've been trying that for years and I never get anywhere. Makes all the hoo-rah about negotiating over a job offer feel pretty hollow - the form of compensation I really want is never, ever on the table.
- rolleiflex 8y ago
  3 weeks is good. It took me 3 years to get to 3 weeks vacation in the first company I was at. I was a product designer working for Google.
  - 8y ago
otto2 8y ago
I moved continents twice, starting 18 years ago. I feel your pain.
icsllaf 8y ago
If you've been with your girlfriend for 13 years, how have you guys been managing the movements? Does she follow you to your new job or do you follow her?
- 40acres 8y ago
  When I was in Boston and her in NYC we would drive up every other weekend to visit. I moved to the west coast and tried to make one trip every other month while we did the long distance thing.. she eventually got a job at my company and for the past two years we've been living together. However we both are about ready to move again and are preparing to be separated again, but this time we're trying to align our movements to reduce the amount of time we'll be apart.
  - brootstrap 8y ago
    damn dude that is rough. I did 3 years apart from my GF before she moved in with me. 13 years is redic haha. After a few years of dating and multiple years of long distance i was like 'move down here and lets fuckin do it babe!' . we dids it all right and marriage is great, even though she brought along 63k debt from grad school =(
mymythisisthis 8y ago
I think that this the reality for the majority of people. We are the first generation, as a whole, that will not do as good as their parents. That the is the economic reality. One major issue though is education. Giving a good technical education to people is fundamental. No matter how much a person falls, they have something that they can build on. They are never starting from scratch, as many people in this generation do, over and over again.
prawn 8y ago
Do you need to have a best man? Just go without if it doesn't feel right. My brother was mine, and my wife had five bridesmaids, but I don't see why you'd be obliged to have one or give them any formal duties. Always baffles me when couples go to awkward lengths to balance each side of the aisle.
- astura 8y ago
  Yep, Your wedding is yours and you get to do whatever the fuck you want, "wedding party" itself is totally optional.
ataturk 8y ago
Wait, 13 years and not married? Highly sketch.

toomuchtodo 8y ago

I'm happy to be your best man when the time comes. Email in my profile.

bitcoinmoney 8y ago
Me too. But I don’t know how to give funny speeches in the wedding. This resonates with me because I moved from Philippines to USA to pursue my graduate degree. Friends get lost along the way and it’s a big effort to reconnect due to time zone issues. Now married to my wife ( gf of 10 years) and have kids. It’s a difficult but fruitful journey.
mattcaldwell 8y ago
Maybe this is why you have "toomuchtodo" ;)
- toomuchtodo 8y ago
  It's challenging to fit everything enjoyable or worth doing in one lifetime, but I intend to try. :)
creaghpatr 8y ago
Sounds like the setup to "I love you, man"

throwanem 8y ago

'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.'

SirensOfTitan 8y ago
As an addition, I really love Robert Anton Wilson's flavor of this idea: “under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being.”
- ripsawridge 8y ago
  Gorgeous, thanks for that!

digianarchist 8y ago

Your story has a similar outline to my own. I moved from the UK to Canada which has been excellent for my career but at the same time has put enormous strain on my relationships as I just don't get to see people thanks to splitting a really shitty vacation allowance (3 weeks Canada wtf). Now I'm torn between putting down roots in Toronto, moving out to the sticks, moving to Europe to be close to everyone or doing the right thing for my career by going to the US.

muhbags 8y ago
I am in the exact same situation. I moved to Canada from Europe and it has been really tough thanks to three measly weeks of vacation. I can't remember the last time I have been on a real two+ weeks vacation somewhere that is not my home country. I am thinking about all those same options except the moving to the US thing. Even though I could earn much more money, I don't think that would be worth it living in a country like the US.
- digianarchist 8y ago
  It's a shame that vacation isn't as easily negotiable as salary. I'd take a 10% hit on salary for every week of vacation. Hell. I'd take a 10% hit on salary for a week of unpaid vacation.
  - marssaxman 8y ago
    I've been trying that for years and I never get anywhere. Makes all the hoo-rah about negotiating over a job offer feel pretty hollow - the form of compensation I really want is never, ever on the table.
rolleiflex 8y ago
3 weeks is good. It took me 3 years to get to 3 weeks vacation in the first company I was at. I was a product designer working for Google.
- 8y ago

otto2 8y ago

I moved continents twice, starting 18 years ago. I feel your pain.

icsllaf 8y ago

If you've been with your girlfriend for 13 years, how have you guys been managing the movements? Does she follow you to your new job or do you follow her?

40acres 8y ago
When I was in Boston and her in NYC we would drive up every other weekend to visit. I moved to the west coast and tried to make one trip every other month while we did the long distance thing.. she eventually got a job at my company and for the past two years we've been living together. However we both are about ready to move again and are preparing to be separated again, but this time we're trying to align our movements to reduce the amount of time we'll be apart.
- brootstrap 8y ago
  damn dude that is rough. I did 3 years apart from my GF before she moved in with me. 13 years is redic haha. After a few years of dating and multiple years of long distance i was like 'move down here and lets fuckin do it babe!' . we dids it all right and marriage is great, even though she brought along 63k debt from grad school =(

mymythisisthis 8y ago

I think that this the reality for the majority of people. We are the first generation, as a whole, that will not do as good as their parents. That the is the economic reality. One major issue though is education. Giving a good technical education to people is fundamental. No matter how much a person falls, they have something that they can build on. They are never starting from scratch, as many people in this generation do, over and over again.

prawn 8y ago

Do you need to have a best man? Just go without if it doesn't feel right. My brother was mine, and my wife had five bridesmaids, but I don't see why you'd be obliged to have one or give them any formal duties. Always baffles me when couples go to awkward lengths to balance each side of the aisle.

astura 8y ago
Yep, Your wedding is yours and you get to do whatever the fuck you want, "wedding party" itself is totally optional.

ataturk 8y ago

Wait, 13 years and not married? Highly sketch.