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My wife and I used IVF to get pregnant. The issue was on her side, so we used donor eggs. It was completely anonymous, of course, but lately I've been wondering

My wife and I used IVF to get pregnant. The issue was on her side, so we used donor eggs. It was completely anonymous, of course, but lately I've been wondering what's going to happen if (let's be honest, when) my children decide to use a service like 23AndMe. Will they want to get in touch with the donor or her family? What affect will that have on my wife, who probably would feel diminished as the mother if that happened? I don't know, and honestly it's not something we considered five years ago when we had our kids. Those services existed at the time, but they hadn't taken off like they have in the last few years. I think it's something anyone considering sperm/egg donation (either as a recipient or a donor) has to consider. If one side wants to connect, it's probably going to happen.

netcan 8y ago
C'est la vie, no? I realize it seems strange, but is it not just because it's new. Is it really all that different from some unknown cousin or somesuch popping up in your life? The truth, is that IVF exists. I don't think we should feel ashamed or disturbed that it's true. It's wonderful that you guys get to be parents, and that we're no longer totally limited by biology. There's other stuff to worry about anyway, when it comes to having kids. What if they become teenagers?
- simonebrunozzi 8y ago
  > There's other stuff to worry about anyway, when it comes to having kids. What if they become teenagers? LOL. You made my day.
arcbyte 8y ago
I regret that humans can suffer feelings of inadequacy like feeling diminished as a mother, and I certainly sympathize with your wife because she will almost certainly have to fight thoughts like that, but I don't believe for a moment that those feelings have any validity. I am sure she will be a great mother and should have no regrets! That said, I believe everyone ought to have a right to know their genetic lineage. It doesn't make anyone any less of a person or diminish their contributions - but for the sole reason of medical insight it ought to be knowable.
- brazzledazzle 8y ago
  I agree for possible selfish reasons. My dad was adopted and he died from a heart attack. He made all of the decisions you’d need to make to ensure you had a heart attack like he was going down a checklist but it would be good to find out if there’s a family history of heart disease I think it would be good to know.
drdeadringer 8y ago
I'm wondering if this is so much different from an adopted person deciding to use a service like 23AndMe.
jeffmould 8y ago
I was adopted at birth, which I guess in some ways could be considered similar (I was literally delivered from my biological mom and handed to my adopting parents). My parents have always been upfront, honest, and supportive if I wanted to find out who my biological parent(s) are. However, I have never asked or followed through on finding out. There have been a couple times throughout my life where I have been curious, but always have defaulted back to not wanting to find out. I think the upfront honesty and support were a driving factor in this decision. Since I was adopted at birth by my parents, I have never known anyone else in terms of family. I grew up in a loving household with supportive parents in an upper-middle class area. I think these all also factored into me not having a desire to find out about my biological parents. I have gone as far as looking once a while back at one of the websites where biological parents try to track down their children that were adopted. I don't know if I would have reached out, but I was curious if someone was looking for me. While I would not actively seek them out, I would not decline if they reached out to me. On the downside though, it would be nice to have an idea when it comes to health issues. I have never known if there is a "history" of anything in my family because I don't know who my biological family is. Also, as medicine and technology advances, having some knowledge of this history may be crucial in determining future healthcare methods/procedures. I have thought about getting 23AndMe just so I have some clue have my genetics and what I may be susceptible/not susceptible too, but just haven't pulled the trigger on moving forward. I think if I had a current health issue I may be more eager to move forward with that.
- FactolSarin 8y ago
  Thanks for that thoughtful reply. We've been upfront with our kids too. They understand as well as a 4 and 3 year old can that most Mommies have eggs inside them that grow into babies, but their Mommy got an egg from another lady. :)
  - jeffmould 8y ago
    I was probably around the same age when my parents told me I was adopted. Personally, I am glad they did it at such an early age and were as upfront as they were. I think I would have been more curious if I had found out later in life and it came as a complete surprise/shock.
anon49124 8y ago
It seems like there should be biological parent-offspring "escrow" such that there's no hard feelings or unwelcome awkwardness.
morgtheborg 8y ago
This is literally how I found out that I had a half-brother. 23andMe. I looked up family members, for fun. WHAM, half brother. I called my dad who, after some prodding, confirmed it was his child. I reached out. The man knew he was adopted. Now we have a new brother at family events. Likely his Mom and him are going to spend Christmas with us.
- IshKebab 8y ago
  How does his mum feel about that?
- onetimemanytime 8y ago
  Great ending. But not all are like this: think divorce or even murder after finding out that husband has kids all over the place :). And that's just one angle
mattbierner 8y ago
For various reasons I don’t know my full genetic background, yet I have always known my family: it’s the people who raised me. I would never consider a genetically related stranger to be family, nor would I be interested in getting to know them. Always be your children’s true family and help them build a conception of themselves and where they come from that far transcends genetics. Their creation shows that they were truly wanted and was just the first expression you and your wife’s pure love for them
qubax 8y ago
> It was completely anonymous, of course, but lately I've been wondering what's going to happen if (let's be honest, when) my children decide to use a service like 23AndMe. There are youtube videos of people using DNA sites to find their real parents ( some accidentally and some intentionally ). It's pretty interesting if you have the time. > Will they want to get in touch with the donor or her family? Human beings are curious creatures. They will initially feel conflicted but the desire to know will prove irresistible. Perhaps to find half-siblings, to help build a family tree for their own kids one day and of course for family/genetic disease information. There was a woman whose mother refused to tell her who her father was ( either because she didn't know herself or she hated the guy ). So she did a DNA test and matched a distant cousin and they talked and using the woman's age/birth location/etc, the distant cousin was able to tell her who her father was. > If one side wants to connect, it's probably going to happen. At this point, it's guaranteed. All it takes is just one person in your family ( parents, siblings, cousins ) to do a DNA test to narrow it down from billions to dozens. It's almost a statistical certainty that someone with direct genetic ties to you has sent their data in. If your mother told you today that you were adopted, what's the first thing you'd want to do after recovering from the shock?

netcan 8y ago

C'est la vie, no? I realize it seems strange, but is it not just because it's new. Is it really all that different from some unknown cousin or somesuch popping up in your life? The truth, is that IVF exists. I don't think we should feel ashamed or disturbed that it's true. It's wonderful that you guys get to be parents, and that we're no longer totally limited by biology. There's other stuff to worry about anyway, when it comes to having kids. What if they become teenagers?

simonebrunozzi 8y ago
> There's other stuff to worry about anyway, when it comes to having kids. What if they become teenagers? LOL. You made my day.

arcbyte 8y ago

I regret that humans can suffer feelings of inadequacy like feeling diminished as a mother, and I certainly sympathize with your wife because she will almost certainly have to fight thoughts like that, but I don't believe for a moment that those feelings have any validity. I am sure she will be a great mother and should have no regrets! That said, I believe everyone ought to have a right to know their genetic lineage. It doesn't make anyone any less of a person or diminish their contributions - but for the sole reason of medical insight it ought to be knowable.

brazzledazzle 8y ago
I agree for possible selfish reasons. My dad was adopted and he died from a heart attack. He made all of the decisions you’d need to make to ensure you had a heart attack like he was going down a checklist but it would be good to find out if there’s a family history of heart disease I think it would be good to know.

drdeadringer 8y ago

I'm wondering if this is so much different from an adopted person deciding to use a service like 23AndMe.

jeffmould 8y ago

I was adopted at birth, which I guess in some ways could be considered similar (I was literally delivered from my biological mom and handed to my adopting parents). My parents have always been upfront, honest, and supportive if I wanted to find out who my biological parent(s) are. However, I have never asked or followed through on finding out. There have been a couple times throughout my life where I have been curious, but always have defaulted back to not wanting to find out. I think the upfront honesty and support were a driving factor in this decision. Since I was adopted at birth by my parents, I have never known anyone else in terms of family. I grew up in a loving household with supportive parents in an upper-middle class area. I think these all also factored into me not having a desire to find out about my biological parents. I have gone as far as looking once a while back at one of the websites where biological parents try to track down their children that were adopted. I don't know if I would have reached out, but I was curious if someone was looking for me. While I would not actively seek them out, I would not decline if they reached out to me. On the downside though, it would be nice to have an idea when it comes to health issues. I have never known if there is a "history" of anything in my family because I don't know who my biological family is. Also, as medicine and technology advances, having some knowledge of this history may be crucial in determining future healthcare methods/procedures. I have thought about getting 23AndMe just so I have some clue have my genetics and what I may be susceptible/not susceptible too, but just haven't pulled the trigger on moving forward. I think if I had a current health issue I may be more eager to move forward with that.

FactolSarin 8y ago
Thanks for that thoughtful reply. We've been upfront with our kids too. They understand as well as a 4 and 3 year old can that most Mommies have eggs inside them that grow into babies, but their Mommy got an egg from another lady. :)
- jeffmould 8y ago
  I was probably around the same age when my parents told me I was adopted. Personally, I am glad they did it at such an early age and were as upfront as they were. I think I would have been more curious if I had found out later in life and it came as a complete surprise/shock.

anon49124 8y ago

It seems like there should be biological parent-offspring "escrow" such that there's no hard feelings or unwelcome awkwardness.

morgtheborg 8y ago

This is literally how I found out that I had a half-brother. 23andMe. I looked up family members, for fun. WHAM, half brother. I called my dad who, after some prodding, confirmed it was his child. I reached out. The man knew he was adopted. Now we have a new brother at family events. Likely his Mom and him are going to spend Christmas with us.

IshKebab 8y ago
How does his mum feel about that?
onetimemanytime 8y ago
Great ending. But not all are like this: think divorce or even murder after finding out that husband has kids all over the place :). And that's just one angle

mattbierner 8y ago

For various reasons I don’t know my full genetic background, yet I have always known my family: it’s the people who raised me. I would never consider a genetically related stranger to be family, nor would I be interested in getting to know them. Always be your children’s true family and help them build a conception of themselves and where they come from that far transcends genetics. Their creation shows that they were truly wanted and was just the first expression you and your wife’s pure love for them

qubax 8y ago

> It was completely anonymous, of course, but lately I've been wondering what's going to happen if (let's be honest, when) my children decide to use a service like 23AndMe. There are youtube videos of people using DNA sites to find their real parents ( some accidentally and some intentionally ). It's pretty interesting if you have the time. > Will they want to get in touch with the donor or her family? Human beings are curious creatures. They will initially feel conflicted but the desire to know will prove irresistible. Perhaps to find half-siblings, to help build a family tree for their own kids one day and of course for family/genetic disease information. There was a woman whose mother refused to tell her who her father was ( either because she didn't know herself or she hated the guy ). So she did a DNA test and matched a distant cousin and they talked and using the woman's age/birth location/etc, the distant cousin was able to tell her who her father was. > If one side wants to connect, it's probably going to happen. At this point, it's guaranteed. All it takes is just one person in your family ( parents, siblings, cousins ) to do a DNA test to narrow it down from billions to dozens. It's almost a statistical certainty that someone with direct genetic ties to you has sent their data in. If your mother told you today that you were adopted, what's the first thing you'd want to do after recovering from the shock?