6 ms·

It struck me when I went back to college for a reunion how the college social experience is so different from the adult experience. The parties are the obvious

It struck me when I went back to college for a reunion how the college social experience is so different from the adult experience. The parties are the obvious example, but you can still go to parties as an adult. The main thing is that your spend your waking hours with other people. You may have roommates, or, if you're lucky enough to have your own room, you're sharing a hallway, a bathroom, mail room, etc, with people around you. You eat meals with other people. You walk around campus, with other people and/or running into other people out doing the same thing. If you want to hangout with people outside of the regular routine, they're usually 1-10 minutes walk away. It's like the Steve Jobs office plan, designed to get people to bump into each other. You can have solitude if you want it, but you have to work for it. (Being introverted, I didn't always appreciate that.) As an adult, if you live the "American Dream" and end up with a nice house in the suburbs, it's possible to not see anyone outside the office, except through the windshield of your car. Your car will deposit you back inside your garage at the end of the day, so there's not even a chance to interact with your neighbors (something Bin Laden pointed out in his plans for people to blend in without notice). In the name of convenience, schools and other activities have drop-off and pickup lines of cars, so there's no real social interaction there. We have scheduled and optimized our way to a lot of unhappiness. It reminds of me of creatures in the zoo, out of their natural environment, looking sad and lonely and bored. Except we often work really hard to put ourselves in the zoo.

badpun 8y ago
> It reminds of me of creatures in the zoo, out of their natural environment, looking sad and lonely and bored. Except we often work really hard to put ourselves in the zoo. I know the "+1" comments are against rules, but I just wanted to say that this is absolutely spot on.
dawhizkid 8y ago
It makes me wonder then if there's scientific proof if people who live and work in dense urban metros like NYC are less lonely compared to those in suburban or rural areas i.e. most people are walking, taking public transit, almost constantly surrounded by people and crowds.
- reubenswartz 8y ago
  I don’t know if it’s true for everyone, but I get the feeling that this is why a lot of young people choose to live in crowded, expensive places like NY and SF. Sure, for some people it makes sense economically because there are unique jobs opportunities, but for most people, I think it’s just being around other young, energetic people.
didibus 8y ago
That all plays out, but I think there is more. For example, in school, you're not competing with anyone. You and everyone else are like brothers in arms, struggling to get through the same challenges. At work, you compete with your colleagues. You compete for the jobs, the roles, the positions. When you struggle through challenges with others, like in school, that's already a great way to relate and bond. When you compete with others like at work, you can't be close, you need to play smart, don't goof around, be serious, present yourself to others always with your strongest and smartest stance. Then you mention parties, ya you can go to a party as an adult, though they're rarer. That said, you have less incentive. A lot of parties in college are motivated by people looking for romance. Love and attraction plays a huge role in bonding. Ya, even for friendships. I guess it goes to ask, what are the ingredients to a deep relationship? For me, it has always involved being vulnerable, showing my true colors, being goofy, trying things, failing, struggling, making a breakthrough, succumbing to my desires, being playful, etc. If you manage to do all that with someone else, and grow comfortable, and feel safe. That will be a deep and meaningful relationship. Grown up work life seems conductive to none of those things.
- reubenswartz 8y ago
  These are all great points. Although one thing I notice about school vs afterwards is that school is very competitive, because everyone literally gets a grade and people compare in a way that people don’t do with salaries and bonuses. Yes, there is also great cooperation at school and competition in the office, especially for promotions, but it seems (to me) less inherently competitive.
  - didibus 8y ago
    Well, it probably depends on your personality, but for me, you do measure yourself against others, but you're not competing. Everyone can pass, everyone can get 100%. You win or lose on your own, not because someone else was better. Well, once you're in anyways. Applications are definitly competitive.
closeparen 8y ago
Try interacting with the public on Muni or on Market St sometime. You'll mostly get asked for money, threatened with death, followed, preached to about everything from aliens to God to Obama, scammed, lungs full of urine vapor, shoes coated in human shit. College and suburbia have a lot in common: they're both curated for some level of having one's life together, where that's making the grades and test scores, or qualifying for the mortgage and car loan. They both self-select for similar values and life circumstances, whether teenaged career ambition or middle-aged middle-class desires for family life. They both guarantee a certain set of shared experiences. In a city you get none of that. Everyone is welcome whether he sleeps in the doorway or the penthouse, works 9-5 in a cube or scrapes by in a punk collective. That gives cities their dynamism and creativity but also means the person next to you on the subway is exceedingly unlikely to meaningfully inhabit the same community. I've lived both ways, and I have to say I found the city a lot more alienating.
nradov 8y ago
It depends on the college. Some are entirely commuter schools and have no student housing on campus. Others only guarantee dorm rooms to freshmen; upperclassmen have to fend for themselves.

badpun 8y ago

> It reminds of me of creatures in the zoo, out of their natural environment, looking sad and lonely and bored. Except we often work really hard to put ourselves in the zoo. I know the "+1" comments are against rules, but I just wanted to say that this is absolutely spot on.

dawhizkid 8y ago

It makes me wonder then if there's scientific proof if people who live and work in dense urban metros like NYC are less lonely compared to those in suburban or rural areas i.e. most people are walking, taking public transit, almost constantly surrounded by people and crowds.

reubenswartz 8y ago
I don’t know if it’s true for everyone, but I get the feeling that this is why a lot of young people choose to live in crowded, expensive places like NY and SF. Sure, for some people it makes sense economically because there are unique jobs opportunities, but for most people, I think it’s just being around other young, energetic people.

didibus 8y ago

That all plays out, but I think there is more. For example, in school, you're not competing with anyone. You and everyone else are like brothers in arms, struggling to get through the same challenges. At work, you compete with your colleagues. You compete for the jobs, the roles, the positions. When you struggle through challenges with others, like in school, that's already a great way to relate and bond. When you compete with others like at work, you can't be close, you need to play smart, don't goof around, be serious, present yourself to others always with your strongest and smartest stance. Then you mention parties, ya you can go to a party as an adult, though they're rarer. That said, you have less incentive. A lot of parties in college are motivated by people looking for romance. Love and attraction plays a huge role in bonding. Ya, even for friendships. I guess it goes to ask, what are the ingredients to a deep relationship? For me, it has always involved being vulnerable, showing my true colors, being goofy, trying things, failing, struggling, making a breakthrough, succumbing to my desires, being playful, etc. If you manage to do all that with someone else, and grow comfortable, and feel safe. That will be a deep and meaningful relationship. Grown up work life seems conductive to none of those things.

reubenswartz 8y ago
These are all great points. Although one thing I notice about school vs afterwards is that school is very competitive, because everyone literally gets a grade and people compare in a way that people don’t do with salaries and bonuses. Yes, there is also great cooperation at school and competition in the office, especially for promotions, but it seems (to me) less inherently competitive.
- didibus 8y ago
  Well, it probably depends on your personality, but for me, you do measure yourself against others, but you're not competing. Everyone can pass, everyone can get 100%. You win or lose on your own, not because someone else was better. Well, once you're in anyways. Applications are definitly competitive.

closeparen 8y ago

Try interacting with the public on Muni or on Market St sometime. You'll mostly get asked for money, threatened with death, followed, preached to about everything from aliens to God to Obama, scammed, lungs full of urine vapor, shoes coated in human shit. College and suburbia have a lot in common: they're both curated for some level of having one's life together, where that's making the grades and test scores, or qualifying for the mortgage and car loan. They both self-select for similar values and life circumstances, whether teenaged career ambition or middle-aged middle-class desires for family life. They both guarantee a certain set of shared experiences. In a city you get none of that. Everyone is welcome whether he sleeps in the doorway or the penthouse, works 9-5 in a cube or scrapes by in a punk collective. That gives cities their dynamism and creativity but also means the person next to you on the subway is exceedingly unlikely to meaningfully inhabit the same community. I've lived both ways, and I have to say I found the city a lot more alienating.

nradov 8y ago

It depends on the college. Some are entirely commuter schools and have no student housing on campus. Others only guarantee dorm rooms to freshmen; upperclassmen have to fend for themselves.