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Ok... I'll bite. This feel good article doesn't do justice to relationship issues at all. A lot of relationship issues simply arise from compromises that have b

Ok... I'll bite. This feel good article doesn't do justice to relationship issues at all. A lot of relationship issues simply arise from compromises that have been done in past. May be woman is desperate in finding husband and man is realizing he is getting out of options. Both gets married despite knowing incompatibilities here and there. People tell them "opposite attracts". Ummm... no. There is of course honeymoon period and then eventually kids enter in life. Suddenly woman doesn't feel need to make man happy as much and man is realizing his role being transformed to essentially a bank account. Things start falling apart and there is no right thing to fix this. Sure, kindness/generosity etc helps on both sides but the fundamental root cause is folks ending up together due to short term biological reproduction needs that then invariably gets extended as kids enter in their lives. It's not a coincidence that lot of marriages fall apart when kids are between 8 to 12 years old. That's the time kids are becoming independent, women gets more time to do job and run household according to her desires all the while man starts to understand that there is very little left for them to be in. Some better educated couples would hold off until kids go to college and there is spike in divorce rate when kids graduate from high school.

zxcvvcxz 8y ago
Somewhat raw but at the end of the day I'd say mostly true. I'll add my own conjecture: the root problem is that this hypothetical couple you describe (who is more common than many would like to admit) are both settling. They are settling because they didn't take marriage seriously earlier in their lives. They didn't take marriage seriously because society stopped forcing them to do so. And nature also didn't force them to either, thanks to birth control. These aren't individuals at fault here - these are systemic incentives warping previously traditional behavior. So then this couple got into their 30s, which isn't young, as the decades are not created equal. And they realized - oh shit, better actually try figuring out how to have a family, lest we live alone and with limited meaning for the latter 40 years of life. Seriously - what are people thinking that they'll be happy being single into their 40s and beyond? Here's a sad truth: most people will get a decent, but not super meaningful job. There can only be so many entrepreneurs and rockstars. So from ages 35 onwards, you better be set up to have a family and create something that will provide you meaning for Act II of life, because it's quite long.
- 5thbootloader 8y ago
  Do you imply that the only way of having a meaningful life when your job is mediocre is by creating a family? What about other recreational activities or hobbies? Somewhat anecdotally, I recall a grade school teacher that was single in her 50s but remained active within a large volunteer community supporting youth. She often discussed how her participation in this circle gave her life purpose. Maybe the systemic issue is that people who are reaching their 30s often feel pressured by their social group to get married and thus believe their lives are meaningless without that ring or child validating its purpose.
  - propogandist 8y ago
    the only thing that is certain in life is the grave, all else is vanity (Ecclesiastes AMP).
    - growlist 8y ago
      It's interesting how hostile most people are to this idea.
      - laythea 8y ago
        We are all too busy trying to accumulate wealth like good citizens, to bother with something as airy-fairy as true happiness. Money = happiness. OK!? :)
  - scarface74 8y ago
    If I divide my adult life up into my relationships, my observations.... Phase 1 - 20s. Graduated from college, moved from my small city to a larger metro area, went through some physical issues while at the same time trying to establish my career. It was a lonely time. I had one or two female friends who I would hang out with occasionally but they were both in the “friend zone” (one by mutual choice and one no shared attraction). Phase 2: late 20s, early 30s. Got married just because I was lonely and all of the warning signs were there before we got married. It was an equally lonely marriage, with no love and I started spending a lot of time pursuing working side hobbies to ignore the problem. Phase 3: early to mid 30s. Divorced. I had a more active social life, lots of friends, fun hobbies, no serious relationships. It was better and more fulfilling than the first time around but still there was something missing coming to a big house in the evening and being alone. Phase 4a - mid 30s to 40. Started dating my now wife. Our marriage was really on the rocks. We were both older, set in our ways and dealing with the financial repercussions of our former marriages and in my case, my failed real estate side business. It wasn’t lonely but it was unstable. Phase 4b. We both worked out our former issues and as we got through our previous financial issues things are a lot less stressful. We have what I consider a pretty good marriage. I don’t care what anyone says. Having money solves a lot of issues. There are a lot more “ands” than “ors” - we don’t have to argue about doing this or that - we can do both. It’s scary, but I can’t imagine having a fulfilling life without being able to come home and having someone to share my life, my victories, my defeats, and just share life with.
cup-of-tea 8y ago
All true and don't forget the sex with other people that everyone secretly wants at all times. Women are ready to "trade up" for another man, men just want to mate with other women. Couples who have only slept with each other don't seem to suffer from this. Couples where one or both had a lot of sex before getting together will suffer and will usually end having affairs.
- mercer 8y ago
  Do you have any links to evidence for this being the case? Honestly curious.
  - cup-of-tea 8y ago
    Evidence? Sure, I know many couples. The bit about differences between couples who have only slept with each other is my own theory based on my observations. But it seems this has been studied more rigorously, for example: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00444.x https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3737... But this talks about marital dissolution, not simply affairs. Affairs are happening way more than you think.
    - kstenerud 8y ago
      Except that the study cited didn't take into account confounding factors (cohabitation in earlier decades was associated more strongly with lower socioeconomic status, for example). The study has since been replicated with more recent data, and shows a weakening correlation: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000053/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000053/
      - cup-of-tea 8y ago
        Well, they are still both talking about marriage dissolution. While dissolution surely implies an unhappy marriage, the reverse implication is most certainly not true. Many marriages stay official for reasons other than "love and happiness". Most affairs probably don't even come to light, let alone actually lead to marriage dissolution.
watwut 8y ago
I think that issue there is not solving problem when man is turning into bank account and women is turning into child care provider with relationship between them not being treated as important. It sounds like at that moment, each cares about own unhappiness but does not think much about other. They are not kind and understanding at each other at that time. They are settling into roles without talking about whether they like roles and without talking about how to change their roles so that they are happier.

zxcvvcxz 8y ago

Somewhat raw but at the end of the day I'd say mostly true. I'll add my own conjecture: the root problem is that this hypothetical couple you describe (who is more common than many would like to admit) are both settling. They are settling because they didn't take marriage seriously earlier in their lives. They didn't take marriage seriously because society stopped forcing them to do so. And nature also didn't force them to either, thanks to birth control. These aren't individuals at fault here - these are systemic incentives warping previously traditional behavior. So then this couple got into their 30s, which isn't young, as the decades are not created equal. And they realized - oh shit, better actually try figuring out how to have a family, lest we live alone and with limited meaning for the latter 40 years of life. Seriously - what are people thinking that they'll be happy being single into their 40s and beyond? Here's a sad truth: most people will get a decent, but not super meaningful job. There can only be so many entrepreneurs and rockstars. So from ages 35 onwards, you better be set up to have a family and create something that will provide you meaning for Act II of life, because it's quite long.

5thbootloader 8y ago
Do you imply that the only way of having a meaningful life when your job is mediocre is by creating a family? What about other recreational activities or hobbies? Somewhat anecdotally, I recall a grade school teacher that was single in her 50s but remained active within a large volunteer community supporting youth. She often discussed how her participation in this circle gave her life purpose. Maybe the systemic issue is that people who are reaching their 30s often feel pressured by their social group to get married and thus believe their lives are meaningless without that ring or child validating its purpose.
- propogandist 8y ago
  the only thing that is certain in life is the grave, all else is vanity (Ecclesiastes AMP).
  - growlist 8y ago
    It's interesting how hostile most people are to this idea.
    - laythea 8y ago
      We are all too busy trying to accumulate wealth like good citizens, to bother with something as airy-fairy as true happiness. Money = happiness. OK!? :)
- scarface74 8y ago
  If I divide my adult life up into my relationships, my observations.... Phase 1 - 20s. Graduated from college, moved from my small city to a larger metro area, went through some physical issues while at the same time trying to establish my career. It was a lonely time. I had one or two female friends who I would hang out with occasionally but they were both in the “friend zone” (one by mutual choice and one no shared attraction). Phase 2: late 20s, early 30s. Got married just because I was lonely and all of the warning signs were there before we got married. It was an equally lonely marriage, with no love and I started spending a lot of time pursuing working side hobbies to ignore the problem. Phase 3: early to mid 30s. Divorced. I had a more active social life, lots of friends, fun hobbies, no serious relationships. It was better and more fulfilling than the first time around but still there was something missing coming to a big house in the evening and being alone. Phase 4a - mid 30s to 40. Started dating my now wife. Our marriage was really on the rocks. We were both older, set in our ways and dealing with the financial repercussions of our former marriages and in my case, my failed real estate side business. It wasn’t lonely but it was unstable. Phase 4b. We both worked out our former issues and as we got through our previous financial issues things are a lot less stressful. We have what I consider a pretty good marriage. I don’t care what anyone says. Having money solves a lot of issues. There are a lot more “ands” than “ors” - we don’t have to argue about doing this or that - we can do both. It’s scary, but I can’t imagine having a fulfilling life without being able to come home and having someone to share my life, my victories, my defeats, and just share life with.

cup-of-tea 8y ago

All true and don't forget the sex with other people that everyone secretly wants at all times. Women are ready to "trade up" for another man, men just want to mate with other women. Couples who have only slept with each other don't seem to suffer from this. Couples where one or both had a lot of sex before getting together will suffer and will usually end having affairs.

mercer 8y ago
Do you have any links to evidence for this being the case? Honestly curious.
- cup-of-tea 8y ago
  Evidence? Sure, I know many couples. The bit about differences between couples who have only slept with each other is my own theory based on my observations. But it seems this has been studied more rigorously, for example: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00444.x https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1741-3737... But this talks about marital dissolution, not simply affairs. Affairs are happening way more than you think.
  - kstenerud 8y ago
    Except that the study cited didn't take into account confounding factors (cohabitation in earlier decades was associated more strongly with lower socioeconomic status, for example). The study has since been replicated with more recent data, and shows a weakening correlation: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000053/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3000053/
    - cup-of-tea 8y ago
      Well, they are still both talking about marriage dissolution. While dissolution surely implies an unhappy marriage, the reverse implication is most certainly not true. Many marriages stay official for reasons other than "love and happiness". Most affairs probably don't even come to light, let alone actually lead to marriage dissolution.

watwut 8y ago

I think that issue there is not solving problem when man is turning into bank account and women is turning into child care provider with relationship between them not being treated as important. It sounds like at that moment, each cares about own unhappiness but does not think much about other. They are not kind and understanding at each other at that time. They are settling into roles without talking about whether they like roles and without talking about how to change their roles so that they are happier.